My Teenage Dream Ended (10 page)

I continued to walk away from Derek—in the hall, in class, and at our locker. But Derek refused to accept that we were broken up. He kept trying to check in with me between classes by meeting me at my locker, or sending me text messages asking what I was doing after school.

After two weeks of being on Bad Boyfriend Probation, he was really starting to get desperate to talk to me and get me back in his life. Two days before Christmas break, he started writing me letters, and then one morning, out of the blue, in between classes, he handed me a note and a small box. I looked down at the box in my hand—it was a ring box. I looked up at Derek and he was smiling. I didn’t know what to do. I spouted, “Uh, I need to hurry to class.”

With my mouth probably still hanging open and my eyes wide from shock, I stuffed the letter and ring box into my purse and rushed off to computer class, I was trying to act like nothing had happened, but this was a big deal to me. I wanted to feel happy, but this was not how I had envisioned being given a promise ring. I had pictured it as a romantic moment and that we would be madly in love (or at least getting along), not as some desperate, hurried exchange in front of my locker in a crowded school hallway, when were broken up.

Still, I was dying to read Derek’s note and look at the ring. I told myself that if Derek at least wrote a sweet letter, then I could overlook the otherwise total lack of romance. Maybe I could just look at it as an interesting story to tell our friends, or even our kids one day.

I finally got a chance to look in my bag when my teacher stepped out of the classroom for a few minutes. I dug the letter out of my bag and read it. Derek wrote that he loved me and that he and his dad had picked out the ring together. I thought that was so adorable. When I finally cracked the ring case open to take a peek, I almost shouted out, “Oh my God, this is the ring I wanted!” but I managed to contain myself. Smiling from ear to ear, I pushed the letter and ring back into my bag. I was so happy, thinking everything was sweet and great with Derek again. But…

In the pit of my stomach was a feeling of unease that I couldn’t ignore. As class wound down, I started thinking of all our problems, of all Derek’s issues that made our relationship such a struggle. What if, even with this ring, all the negative drama continued? What if Derek kept lying to me? What if I couldn’t handle dealing with his family problems anymore?

By the time the bell rang and class was over, I was more confused than ever. At lunch I showed my friends the ring. They thought it was beautiful and couldn’t understand why I felt like I shouldn’t keep it. Of course, I wanted nothing more than to keep the ring, but there was no reason for me to have it if we weren’t together and, if I couldn’t trust Derek, how could we be together?

As much as I wanted the ring and as much as I wanted things with me and Derek to be perfect, I realized that I needed to slow down and think clearly before I got wrapped up in this promise ring and let it go to my head. After all, Derek’s problems hadn’t gone away, just because he had given me a ring. And the ring didn’t alter the fact that he had lied to me.

My head was spinning. If Derek and I got back together, I wanted to start off on the right foot, but the way he had given me this ring, so rushed and unromantic and with us broken up, we were already very much on the wrong foot. It made me sad to think about giving back this perfect ring, but I really thought,
If I give this ring back now, he can give it back to me when were are happy, when there’s no drama, and hopefully when we are out of high school.

By the end of lunch, I had decided to give Derek back the ring and I wrote him a letter explaining why. I had also come up with a plan to get us back on track. I thought,
First, over Christmas break, I’ll work on him so he knows how to treat me properly. Second, I’ll spark a new and energized romance between us.

Lunch ended and it was time to face Derek. I was sure that I would see him at my locker, so I grabbed my books and waited for him to come by. Finally, just as the bell was going to ring, I saw him walking towards my locker. When he got there, I grabbed my letter and the ring and quickly reached for his hand and shoved them in it before he even realized what was happening.

I said, “Here, take it and read my letter,” and walked away.

I dreaded giving that letter to Derek because I knew it was going to hurt him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had written:

Derek,

There is something in my heart that loves you so much. I have always loved you. It’s just that I tried to think of honest good times with you, but instead all the bad times overtake the good. I will always be there for you as a friend. I can’t date you anymore, at least not right now. I don’t know how long this feeling will last. The ring you picked, I like it so much. It’s perfect. But I can’t keep it because it means nothing if we’re not together. So I want to say thank you, but I can’t accept it.

- Farrah

After I stuffed the note in his hand, I didn’t look back. I took off, like I was in a relay race and had just been passed a baton. I kept going even as I was regretting every step away from Derek I took. I just kept repeating to myself
, We’re broken up. I’m too young for this. He flirted with ugly girls.

As bad as it felt, I knew that giving him the ring back was the right thing to do. It was more than the lies. I was beginning to feel that Derek was mostly reacting to how unhappy he was. I had tried to help him. Tried to get him to see that he needed to get away from all the things in his life that seemed toxic to me, but he had made it clear that he wasn’t going to do that. In a way I felt that Derek was letting me down and that made me sad. I couldn’t go on taking all the abuse when he should have been directing his anger elsewhere.

After I gave him my letter, Derek wrote me back, saying that the ring was supposed to be my Christmas promise ring. What he wrote still haunts me. He pleaded for one more chance. He begged me to stay in his life. He thanked me for helping him get off drugs and promised not to let me down.

That night, we talked on the phone. As much as it broke my heart, I knew I needed to be strong and stand my ground. I said, “I think we really need this break. I’ll call you over break if I want to hang out.”

After my last class on the last day of school before Christmas break, I went to my locker to put my books away. I was happy I didn’t have to look at those books for two whole weeks. I had been thinking about Derek all day and when I looked down at the bottom of my locker I saw that he had left another note for me. It said, “please call me” in all caps. He wrote that he really wanted to work this out, and signed the note “Cheese Nuts.”

“Cheese Nuts” was a silly nickname I had made up for Derek and I loved when he said it back to me. I fell in love all over again and wanted to let my guard down. I loved Derek so much, but I didn’t want to let him off easy. I needed him to work hard to get on my good side again.

Winter break started with a few texts from Derek here and there and a call to say “hi.” He seemed bored. I could tell Derek was waiting for me to invite him to meet up with me and, secretly, I was missing him, too.

Christmas went by and we didn’t talk. No “Merry Christmas.” Nothing. I was determined to have a fun break, so I started hanging out a lot with my girlfriends. We went to parties and hung out with boys who liked us. I was back to being single again, but Derek was never far from my mind.

After a while, my girls and I got bored with those boys and I called Derek to invite him to go to a party with me and a friend. Since he said he’d gotten into trouble and had his car taken away again, we ended up picking him up. That night was an eye-opener for me. I began to really see for the first time that Derek was going down a path that I wanted no part of.

The party was at an older, college friend’s house and at first Derek stayed by me on a couch in the corner, but then I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back he was gone. I asked my friend if she had seen where he went, but she had no idea.

I started walking back towards the bathroom, when I saw a shadow in the hallway out of the corner of my eye. I looked closer and saw two bodies standing close together, and then I could make out that it was Derek with a girl.

I thought I saw her put something into his hand.

I wasn’t sure what had just happened. I just knew that I wanted to get as far away from Derek as possible. I didn’t know if they were trying to hook up or if she was slipping him pills. I didn’t want to know. I just walked in the other direction and didn’t stop until I found my friend. I said to her, “Let’s go. We’re leaving Derek. I just caught him with this girl back there and he’s hiding something.”

My friend was down with leaving and we were almost at the car when Derek walked out of the house and called out, “Wait! I’m coming with you.”

I said, “No, you’re not. You can just go be with your friend and keep hiding shit from me.”

He yelled, “Nothing’s going on!”

I just laughed, shut my door and waved. As we drove off, Derek shouted, “You’re going to make me walk home in the snow?”

Later, I got a voicemail from him saying how fucked up I was for

making him walk home in the snow. Maybe I was a bitch for leaving him, but he was a jerk and a liar for sneaking around and doing whatever he was doing behind my back. Clearly, my plan to teach him how to treat me properly and to rekindle our spark had completely backfired.

After a couple of days, I called him back. He was still mad at me, but he confessed that his sister had picked him up and driven him home. I knew he never would have had to walk home in the snow.

REBOUND GUY

At this point, things between Derek and I were so bad that I felt like we really were never going to get back together. I couldn’t talk to any of my friends about him because they knew how much he had hurt me and they wanted me to move on and date other guys.

So I went to a basketball game at another high school with a girlfriend who was dating a guy from that school. She wanted to introduce me to one of his friends. She said, “He’s the most popular guy at this school. He’s the best at basketball and he just broke up with his girlfriend.” This was her way of trying to sell this guy to me.

I responded, “Well from watching him play basketball, he doesn’t seem that great. I‘ve never talked to anyone black before.” This was true. My town is mostly white and I had led a pretty sheltered life.

She said, “He’s not gangster. He’s really nice,” and with a wink she added, “and you know what they say about black guys!”

After the game, we waited in her car for the guys to come out. First my friend’s boyfriend came over and then they called over the guy they wanted me to meet. He walked to my side of the car and introduced himself. He was tall, confident and cute. The only thing about him that fell short of my expectations was his car—it was kind of a beater. But then again I didn’t even have a car, so who was I to judge?

He told my friend to give me his number and we started texting. Before I knew it, we were settling into a relaxed couple vibe. At first I allowed myself to be swept up in the ease of being in a relationship, but I couldn’t get Derek off my mind. That’s when I really learned the meaning of the word “rebound.” Thank you, Rebound Guy!

So, Rebound Guy invited me over to his house and snuck me into his room. It was like I hadn’t learned anything from getting caught sneaking around with Derek. I should have known sneaking into a boy’s bedroom after curfew would lead to sex, but I thought if I had my guard up, it would be like a sleepover and nothing would happen. I just wanted to hang out with this new guy and show my friends that I was trying to get over Derek.

We were in his room downstairs, about to go to sleep, snuggling and talking. Truthfully, it was really awkward. I wasn’t used to hanging out one-on-one with guys other than Derek. We really didn’t have that much in common and it sort of felt like my friends had asked this guy to be my pick-me-up because I had been feeling so down about Derek.

I was trying to fall asleep and then all of a sudden we were making out and taking it all the way. It was good, but I felt like I had completely gone against my morals by having sex with someone I knew I was never going to be in love with. I was shocked by my behavior. I had never imagined having an experience like this with any guy other than Derek.