My Name Is River Blue (38 page)

"Be careful,
River." Tyler beamed. He was clearly happy for the attention, and it
occurred to me that sometimes I wasn't very nice to the younger boy.

"Thanks,
Tyler. I don't know why I never thought of it, but it makes sense and gives me
some ideas. Another thing, I'm sorry that I don't always treat you right. Sometimes
I act like an ass."

Tyler grinned. "You
almost always act like an ass, but you're not so bad inside."

"Thanks, I
think. Since it's our last night here, would you like to go out for
pizza?"

"Heck,
yeah. That would be awesome."

CHAPTER
TWENTY-ONE

Waking up early
with a stiff, painful back had become normal for me, and it was no different the
morning I left Tolley House where I had lived for more than five years. Hal and
Jenny Mackey, along with the boys who were awake, ate breakfast with me and wished
me luck. If not for Tyler, there would have been no emotional display from
anyone, since the others were used to seeing people float in and out of their
lives. Because Tyler was new to the system, he had not yet experienced the pain
of losing a close friendship in a state home.

After Tyler loaded
my bags into the trunk of my car, he stood beside me, nervously twisting his
shirttail in his hands. The summer morning was already warm and humid enough
that I could see strands of his hair matted to his forehead and perspiration
dampening the peach fuzz on his upper lip.

"It's time
for me to leave, little man." I was ready to say goodbye, but Tyler wasn't
ready for me to go. He kept his head down and watched his busy hands as he
spoke.

"Okay,"
muttered Tyler. "River? Do you think you can call me sometimes or come by
my uncle's house to see me? We could hang out together like in the park. Throw
the ball or something. I mean it's not like we'll be far away from each other."

His uncle had
rented a small run-down house in the old part of town supposedly until he could
find something better. He was to have completed his move from out of state the
prior day so that he would be ready for Tyler.

"You'll see
me at the football camp next week, and if you get me the number for your
uncle's house, maybe we can talk on the phone sometimes. I might stop by to see
you when I'm in town for an appointment, but I can't make any promises."

Tyler's head
hung low. "I'm not even sure if my uncle will let me go to the camp, but even
if I do, I still want to be friends after that. I still want to do some things
together sometimes. Please?"

"We'll see.
Tyler, you need to toughen up because things change, and you can't count on
anyone but you. Take care of yourself and don't waste your time missing me."

Tyler lips
trembled as he fought back his tears. "I hope you get better one day, River."

"The medicine
helps me deal with it. I'll be okay."

My little roommate
found my eyes with his own tearful ones. "I wasn't talking about that. After
Grandpa died, I felt so alone that I wished I had died with him, but when I
heard that I was going to be your roommate, it was like God gave me something
to help. I dreamed of being like you. You were my idol and being your friend is
all I've had, and now you're telling me our friendship never meant shit to
you."

"Tyler,
that's not what I meant. I've had a lot on my mind, and you're too young to
understand."

"Seriously?"
Tyler stepped closer, almost bumping me with his chest. His eyes were fierce.
His voice loud. "I'm too young to understand that it hurts to lose someone
you love? That your life has totally changed, and you don't know what's going
to happen to you? My dad died in a bullshit war, and then it killed my mom, just
like she was there. Then my grandpa died and left me to a jerk that don't even
know me. You're not the only one who ever lost his dreams, and you're not the
only one who was ever scared and pissed off."

"I'm sorry,
Tyler."

"River, I
don't know everything, but I know I don't want to be a selfish prick who
ditches a friend when he's done using him."

Tyler turned and
walked away towards the house. His words stung. I thought of all the chores and
fetching he had done for me. I called after him. "Take care, Tyler."

Tyler turned
back towards me. "Like you really give a shit." He paused and then
added, "I still hope you get better."

"Tyler! Call
me with your uncle's number," I yelled. He ignored me and disappeared into
the house. I felt guilty, but I rationalized that it was probably for the best.
He would be going to a new school where he would make new and better friends
his own age.

I opened my car
door, eased behind the wheel of my old Honda, and stared at the house that held
so many memories for me. Since the day I came home from rehab, all I wanted to
do was get away from it. I never told Tyler, but every day I spent in that
house without Ant felt wrong.

When I drove
away, I didn't know that I had stepped foot on Tolley House property for the
last time.

***

Papa and Manny
insisted that Deer Lake Farm be my new home. They gave me a choice of a room in
Papa's house or the small guest bedroom in Manny's apartment, which was upstairs
over the first of Papa's two barns. I decided that since I would be a farm
employee that it made sense for me to share the apartment with Manny, who would
make a perfect housemate for me. He worked hard, minded his own business, and
yet would be there for me if I needed help. Like Manny, I would take my meals
in the main house with Papa.

Before I drove
to the farm, I had two stops to make, beginning with the cemetery.

At Faith
Memorial Gardens, I used my cane, but my left leg still throbbed by the time I walked
uphill in the heat and humidity to Ant's grave. At only ten o'clock in the
morning, my tee shirt and cargo shorts clung to me, and I thought of the
torturous August football camps Ant and I had attended. I wished that we could
spend just one more day together, even if we were running our butts off in the
heat. I wished I could see Ant grinning as he joked about how much he loved the
brutal two-a-day football practices.

Manny told me
that Papa had refused to allow the state to give Ant Jefferson a cheap funeral
with burial in the section of the cemetery reserved for indigent people like foster
kids and homeless drunks. Instead, Papa paid for a first class service and had
Ant buried in one of the Long family's plots purchased by Papa's grandfather.
At the same time that Manny told me about Ant's funeral, he informed me that
Papa had picked out his own final resting place under a large oak tree at Deer
Lake. When Manny described it to me, I knew exactly where it was. It didn't
surprise me that Papa wanted to be buried at Deer Lake rather than the
cemetery.

Had I sat on the
grass next to Ant's headstone, rising from the ground would have been difficult,
so I stood as I spoke to my friend.

"Hey, Ant. I'm
not sure if you can hear me, but I'm going to talk anyway. Sorry I haven't
visited. It's not a good excuse, but for a long time, it was too hard.'

"School's
done. I never went back to class, but Principal Wilson sent my work with Carlee
and Max. They helped me study, and a couple of teachers came to the rehab
center to test me. Somehow, I managed to graduate. Carlee told me that the
school made a memorial to you in the athletics showcase. They put up a nice picture
of you with all your stats and school records as a wide receiver.'

"I moved
out of the house today, and I'll be sharing the barn apartment with Manny. Miss
Martin helped me get a small, monthly disability check that will help support
me until I can work enough hours that I don't need it. I'm going to do some
part-time office work for the farm, and I might fill in at the front desk of
the fitness center too. Papa told me that he would fully support me and just wanted
me to go to school, but I feel like I should do as much as I can on my own.'

"Everything
sucked after the accident. I didn't care much about anything, and I wasn't
making any plans for the future. Papa, Miss Martin, and the Mackeys woke my
butt up and helped me get some state benefits extended until I'm twenty-one. I
get to keep my medical insurance, and I have the foster kid scholarship money
to start community college in the fall. It's funny how all I thought about for
years was going to a major university, and now I'm going to Bergeron Community
College. It'll be embarrassing if I flunk out of there.'

"I've had my
last surgery unless something changes. I got so many artificial parts in me;
I'm like the damn bionic man, except I can't run fast or do any other amazing
shit. I even got a couple of spinal discs from some dead guy, but I try not to
think about that creepy cadaver crap inside me. No offense.'

"I'm still
going to physical therapy, and I have exercises that I do each day on my own. My
strength is a lot better, and I can do most simple things for myself now. I
take a bunch of pills every day, and I guess I always will. I never have a day without
pain, but it's amazing what a person can get used to.'

"People say
I'm lucky to be alive. After working so hard for my future, I don't feel so
lucky to have it snatched away like that. I don't feel lucky to deal with pain
every damned day with no end in sight, and most of all, I don't feel lucky that
I lost you.'

"Ant, I
would have traded places with you, if I could have. It would have made more
sense for me to die because you were a better person, a stronger person. You
could have made something out of my life, and I'm not sure I can. The world definitely
became a crappier place when you left.'

"About the
accident, the cops say they investigated all that they could, but we'll
probably never know who ran us off the road. The cops think it was a drunk or
just a reckless trucker who was going too fast and hit some ice. Sometimes I
think the driver hit us on purpose, but like I told the cops, I don't know
anyone who would have done that to us. I thought about the two threatening
letters I got, but the last one was more than three years ago, and I really
doubt it was the same person.'

"For a
while, the cops and the hospital kept me under guard in case there was really a
nut trying to kill me. Miss Martin thought it could have been Craig Krieger
getting revenge for what I did to him in Stockwell, so she asked the cops to
check. Krieger's PO said that as soon as Craig was released from Stockwell, he
broke parole, and word is that he moved to Louisiana to live with a cousin
there. Miss Martin also thought of CO Malley, but the cops told her that he
somehow ended up in the federal prison in Atlanta.'

"Accident
or not, no one will ever take the blame for it, and even if they did, it
wouldn't bring you back to life or heal my body.'

"By the
way, you were right about Carlee and me. I know you're laughing your
caramel-colored ass off, but that's okay, because that's one bet that I don't
mind you winning. She's been solid for me. When I get so down about losing you
and all the plans we had, she's there to pick me up and give me a reason to
keep going. She helps Tina too. Tina really loved you, but I guess you knew
that.'

"Right now,
Carlee is on vacation with her family. Can you imagine a vacation with Big Bill?
I still wonder why he was so nice about her doing her Christian duty of staying
with me in the hospital. Now that I'm an out, he's worried because she's still
seeing me. I guess the dumbass finally got a clue. If you hear an explosion,
you'll know Carlee told him that she's going to BCC with me.'

"Well, dude,
I better get going. My back aches like a mother when I stand in one place too
long, and I still have to go to the bank on my way to the farm. Remember, you're
with me every minute of every day. Later, Ant."

***

In only a few
weeks, I was back at the cemetery to attend the military funeral of Sergeant
Sean Kelley. When he was eighteen, Sean joined the U. S. Army with the intentions
of making it his career. He enjoyed the military life and loved the opportunity
it gave him to travel to places far away from Harper Springs. Whenever Sean was
home on leave, we would meet and update each other on the news in our lives.
The last time I saw him was when he visited me in the rehab center. He was
taking thirty days leave before shipping out to Iraq where he was killed when his
squad's truck ran over an IED.

Sean had a good
heart and did his best to take care of me when I was young. He was far too good
a man to lose his life in a war based on a lie created by a group of rich, old
white men. Men who became richer at the expense of people like Sean Kelley and
those who loved him.

***

Inside First
Regional Bank, I waited in line for Mrs. Bell, a teller, to finish with the two
customers in front of me. I recognized all three people waiting in line for the
other teller, and I was prepared to speak to them, but they pretended not to
notice me. Since I was no longer a football star, many people had no use for
me, and it suited me fine because I hated acting polite to bigots.

I handed Mrs.
Bell a deposit slip and my check. Since most people in Bergeron County looked
down on anyone receiving what they called a "government handout," I
was uncomfortable, but Mrs. Bell was still just as nice as I remembered her.

Mrs. Bell was an
attractive, well-dressed African-American woman in her fifties, but she looked
much younger. Ant and I used to go to the bank together, and as Ant did with many
people, he made friends with Mrs. Bell the first time we met her. He would
speak to her as if she were a high school girl, telling her how hot she looked
that day, and he would always remind her to call him if her husband was ever
dumb enough to leave her. I would have been slapped for some of the things he said,
but he had such a way with women of any age that they would simply giggle,
blush, and beg for more. I smiled when I remembered how Mrs. Bell's face glowed
each week when Ant and I came in to deposit our checks.