My Mother's Secret (36 page)

‘It’ll be a few days before Steffie’s car is roadworthy again,’ explained Liam. ‘I’ve had to close the restaurant today because of flooding and the power situation, so I offered to drive her home.’

‘That’s very nice of you.’ Alivia’s eyes darted between her cousin and the chef.

‘Pascal and I were supposed to eat at Cody’s last night,’ Jenny told him. ‘I hope we can do it later in the week.’

‘I look forward to seeing you,’ he told her.

‘I’m going upstairs to change,’ said Steffie. ‘I’ll be ready in a couple of minutes, Liam.’

She put the glass on the table and walked out of the room. She heard the buzz of chatter continue as she climbed the stairs. She went into her bedroom and quickly changed into fresh underwear and the cotton dress she’d worn the previous day on the drive from Dublin. After that, she stripped her bed, putting the bedlinen into the wicker laundry basket on the landing. Then she paused for a moment and leaned against the bedroom wall. Her head was spinning, both from her slight hangover and from the surprise of Davey’s engagement. And, of course, from the fact that since she’d arrived at Aranbeg yesterday, everything in her life had changed.

She heard footsteps on the stairs and glanced up. Alivia was standing there, looking speculatively at her.

‘Hi,’ said Steffie.

‘Hi yourself. How are you doing?’

‘I’m all right,’ said Steffie.

‘Really? No ill effects from crashing your car?’

‘It wasn’t a proper crash,’ Steffie said. ‘It sort of slid off the road, that’s all.’

‘We were worried sick about you until we heard you’d ended up in Cody’s,’ said Alivia.

‘There was no need to worry,’ said Steffie.

‘It was when we realised you didn’t have your phone and the rain was getting heavier and heavier that we all got concerned. Obviously when Davey and Colette came back and said you were living it up in Wexford’s finest restaurant, we relaxed.’

‘I wasn’t living it up,’ protested Steffie.

‘You were lucky the restaurant was open.’

‘And that Liam gave me soup and dry clothes and a bed for the night.’

‘And he’s bringing you back to Dublin.’

‘Yes.’

‘So,’ Alivia looked at her speculatively, ‘you slept with him?’

‘Alivia Marshall!’

Alivia raised an eyebrow.

‘What makes you think that?’

Alivia raised her eyebrow even higher.

‘OK, OK.’ Steffie made a face at her. ‘He has a tiny flat. I slept there.’

‘With him.’

‘How can you be so certain of that?’

‘It’s written all over your face,’ she said.

‘I hope not.’

‘Possibly only visible to someone with my sensational empathic abilities.’ Alivia grinned.

‘Yeah, well. No need to spread the word.’

‘That’s mainly what I’m asking if you’re OK about,’ said Alivia. ‘You’re not usually a one-night-stand sort of girl.’

‘Maybe it’s not a one-night-stand sort of thing.’

‘Steffie! Really?’

Steffie shrugged.

‘Because you’re hurt and vulnerable right now and I don’t want to see you even more hurt and vulnerable later.’

Steffie gave her cousin a slight smile. ‘At least if I get hurt this time it’s ’cos I’m doing it to myself. But I won’t. Yes, it was probably a sympathy shag, but I don’t care. I needed someone and he was there and that’s it.’

‘So you’re not looking for anything from him?’

‘Absolutely not.’

‘But he’s driving you home.’

‘To be sure I get there!’

Alivia nodded. ‘Men are like that. They take you into their lives, use you and move on.’

‘We’re being unfair,’ said Steffie. ‘Liam was exactly what I needed last night.’

‘I’m not really talking about Liam,’ confessed Alivia. ‘It’s Dermot. He spent the night with Sophie.’

‘No! But you said … I thought … How d’you know?’

‘I sent him a million texts yesterday,’ said Alivia. ‘And after a while he stopped replying. This morning I got one from her.’

‘Oh my God. What did it say?’

‘She told me to keep away from her husband.’

‘Alivia!’

‘I don’t believe it.’ Alivia bit her lip. ‘He swore to me. Promised. But he was lying. And now, if it gets out, my career will be on the line. How could I have been so stupid?’

‘He won’t want it to get out,’ Steffie assured her. ‘It wouldn’t do him any good either.’

‘It’s different for men,’ said Alivia. ‘It shouldn’t be, but it is. This story breaks and I’m the home-wrecker. But he’s the playboy.’ She gritted her teeth.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Steffie.

‘I’m such an idiot,’ Alivia said. ‘I thought I was different. But it’s never different, is it?’

‘Oh Alivia.’

Alivia straightened her shoulders. ‘But I’m strong, right? That’s the thing. I’ll come through it.’

‘Of course you will.’

Alivia nodded and the two girls hugged. Then Steffie went downstairs again.

‘Here’s your phone,’ said Jenny, handing it to her. ‘Sweetheart, before you leave, perhaps you and I could have a talk.’

‘I’m not ready to talk to you,’ said Steffie.

‘Please,’ said Jenny.

‘Why?’ asked Steffie. ‘Do you have anything else you want to confess to me? Any other skeletons rattling in your closet?’

Everyone looked uncomfortably at the two of them.

‘No,’ replied Jenny. ‘I think all of them came rattling out yesterday. But it would be good for us to chat about it.’

‘I have nothing to say to you,’ said Steffie. ‘Not now, and possibly not for a long time.’

‘Steffie, honey …’ Pascal moved so that he was beside her.

‘I
will
talk to you,’ she said. ‘But not today. You should have told me even if she didn’t. But as far as I can see, you’re still the only one who comes out of it all with any credit. I truly wish I was your daughter.’

And then she picked up her bag and walked out of the house.

‘You don’t think you were unnecessarily harsh?’ asked Liam, after he and Steffie had driven for more than ten minutes in total silence.

‘Maybe,’ she conceded. ‘I couldn’t help it. I’m so angry with her and I still feel … lost inside.’

‘I understand,’ said Liam. ‘And I know it’s a cliché, but time heals things, Steffie.’

‘Can we not discuss it right now?’ she asked. ‘I have a headache.’

She closed her eyes and relaxed back into the passenger seat. Seeing Jenny had made her feel unanchored again, reminded her that the essence of who she was had changed. It was an uncomfortable feeling, like standing on a slippery surface, not knowing when you might lose your balance and fall. No matter what had gone on in her life before, she’d always felt secure in herself. Even when work was going badly, or her relationships were rocky, there had been the knowledge that her parents were solidly, unconditionally behind her, loving her and supporting her. If it wasn’t for them, she thought, she wouldn’t be able to cope. And yet it had all been based on a much bigger lie than them not being married. And she didn’t know if she could ever truly trust either of them again.

The sudden sound of Oasis blasting through the speakers shocked her into sitting bolt upright again.

‘Oops, sorry.’ Liam lowered the volume. ‘That wouldn’t have done your head any good. And sorry for my musical choices too.’

‘I like Oasis,’ she told him.

‘Betraying my age.’

‘I loved “Wonderwall” when I was a kid,’ she said. ‘I used to sing it all the time. Unfortunately I’m a tune-free zone, so it drove everyone around me crazy.’

‘In that case, sit back and allow yourself to be transported.’

She closed her eyes again. Suddenly she was back in the kitchen of the house in Dublin. Her mother was making cookies and singing along with her as they shaped the mixture on to greaseproof paper. Jenny hadn’t told her that she hadn’t got a note in her head. She’d just joined in with her. Steffie had loved those moments with her mother in the kitchen as much as she’d loved curling up in front of the TV with her. She’d felt protected and loved. And now she didn’t know how to feel.

Liam allowed her to wallow in her thoughts and it wasn’t until they were on the M50 and close to Tallaght that he asked her which exit to take.

‘Oh, sorry, next one,’ she said, and then continued to direct him to the neat semi-detached house where she’d grown up. ‘Number 25,’ she added. ‘About halfway down the street. And watch out for kids running out in front of you; they seem to appear out of nowhere.’

Liam drove slowly, allowing plenty of time for the group of boys playing football in the middle of the street to jump out of the way. Then he pulled into the short drive in front of the house.

‘I can’t thank you enough for bringing me home,’ said Steffie. ‘You’re a lifesaver.’

‘You’re welcome,’ said Liam.

They sat side by side in the van. It seemed wrong to Steffie to simply jump out and wave goodbye to him. She’d made love to him three times in less than twenty-four hours, after all. There should be something more than leaving him as though he was just someone who’d done her a good turn by driving her home. But she wasn’t sure what she should say or do.

In the end she fell back on the reliable means of asking him if he’d like a coffee.

‘In fact,’ she added after glancing at her watch, ‘it’s gone lunchtime. Would you like something to eat before you head off home again?’

‘That’d be lovely.’ He smiled at her and got out of the van.

She unlocked the door to the house and he followed her inside. Almost immediately her eyes were drawn to the fake marriage certificate and apostolic benediction, as well as the photo of Jenny on the boat from Capri. She wanted to rip them from the wall but she pretended not to see them and walked straight into the kitchen, glad that she’d moved the pile of clothes for ironing from the table before she’d left for Aranbeg. And then it hit her again, that sense that everything she’d known about herself had shifted. That in all the times she’d been in this kitchen before with Pascal and Jenny, they’d been keeping secrets from her. That the building blocks of Steffie Sheehan weren’t what she’d always believed. Those memories and that realisation hit her like a physical blow. She stumbled for a moment and leaned against the table for support before sinking on to a kitchen chair, her head bowed.

‘Steffie! Are you all right?’ Liam looked at her in concern.

She nodded without speaking.

He hunkered down beside her, taking her hands and holding them between his own. He leaned towards her so that their heads were touching. He didn’t say anything.

Eventually she took a deep breath and sat upright. He straightened too, still holding her hands.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘You must think me an awful eejit.’

‘No,’ said Liam. ‘I don’t.’

‘I’ve had plenty of time to get used to it,’ she said. ‘But coming back here, walking into the house … Yesterday, I thought all I had to worry about was my job. Getting that contract. I comforted myself by thinking that if I didn’t, at least Mum and Dad would be supportive of me. They always are, no matter how much I mess up. And now …’

‘Now they’ll still support you,’ said Liam.

‘But they’re not Mum and Dad any more.’

‘Your mum is still your mum,’ said Liam. ‘And as for your dad …’

‘Oh Liam, I know you’re going to say he’s as much my dad as ever and that there are loads of people who’ve had much worse traumas in their lives. I don’t blame you for thinking I’m a total drama queen. It’s just …’ She started to cry. She hadn’t wanted to, but she couldn’t stop herself in time.

Liam put his arms around her and held her tightly.

‘I’m sorry,’ she murmured through her tears. ‘I really am. This is nothing. Nothing.’

‘Steffie, sweetheart, it’s not nothing. It’s a fundamental thing about who you are.’

‘Yes, but you hear about people who find out they’re adopted or something, and they don’t run away and crash their cars and do stupid things.’

‘Maybe some of them do,’ Liam said. ‘Who knows? Everyone’s different. I understand how you feel. If someone told me my dad wasn’t my real dad, I don’t know how I’d react either.’

‘But my dad, Pascal, has always been great to me.’ Steffie raised her tear-streaked face to him. ‘So being upset about it is being really disloyal to him.’

‘No it’s not.’

‘He took me fishing.’ She sniffed. ‘In the river. And he paid for my car and he assembled my office furniture.’

‘Sounds like a good dad to me,’ said Liam.

‘I know. He was. He is. But still not my dad.’ She dropped her head on his chest again. She desperately wanted to stop feeling like this. She wanted to put it all behind her. To move on. People talked so much about moving on these days. You weren’t allowed to be upset for too long. You had to face things and get on with life. And she wanted to. But how could she when she felt so rudderless right now? Rudderless except for Liam, who was still holding her tightly to him.

He kept holding her tightly until she exhaled slowly and raised her head again.

‘I think I’m OK now,’ she said.

‘Sure?’

She nodded and grabbed some kitchen towel from the roll on the wall. She dabbed at her eyes, then blew her nose and disposed of the towel in the waste bin.

‘Sorry,’ she said again.

‘You’ve nothing to be sorry about,’ he told her. ‘It’s quite cool for me to have a girl weeping on my shoulder. It’s never happened before.’

‘Hopefully I won’t do it again,’ she said. She brushed her eyes with the backs of her fingers. ‘So, you know, I was going to make you some coffee. And I made this rash offer about something to eat too.’

‘It’s rash because?’

‘I’m guessing frozen crispy pancakes wouldn’t be one of your main food groups?’

‘Tell me you’re joking.’

She opened the freezer and took six boxes of pancakes out of the bottom drawer.

‘Oh my God,’ said Liam. ‘I don’t know how you’re still standing.’

She smiled slightly. ‘It’s awful, isn’t it. I have some frozen French bread pizza too.’

‘Steffie Sheehan! Have you bread? Or anything in the fridge?’

‘Friday’s bread. Some tired salad, tomatoes …’

‘Why don’t you let me look after the food and you can do the coffee?’