My Map of You (17 page)

They
left Alix just as the light was beginning to fade, his dark head resting on his arms and his gentle snores providing a backing track to the sounds of the waiting staff setting up the restaurant for the evening. Over the past few hours, Holly had come to like him very much, and had decided that he definitely couldn't be her real father. Yes, they might have similar colouring, and yes, he might have been Jenny's ex-boyfriend, but she just refused to believe that it would be that simple – that she would walk into a restaurant on a Greek island and find her dad after twenty-nine years. Life just didn't work that way.

‘Fancy a quick skim before we get on board?' Aidan joked, as they climbed out of the jeep by the harbour.

‘No, I do not,' she grinned up at him. His cheeks were slightly pink from the sun and she was reminded of Rupert. He'd got seriously sunburnt after a day on the slopes when they'd been skiing and his cheeks had looked the same, only worse. Holly had enjoyed nursing him back to health with aftersun and sympathy. Poor Rupert, she must call him soon before he got really worried.

Oblivious to her tussle with her conscience, Aidan had bounded ahead and was busy grappling with a rope which was attached to a small fishing boat at one end and a metal stump at the other. The vessel was sitting low in the clear water and bobbing from side to side. Once upon a time
this boat must have been blue, but the paint had all but peeled off, with just a few cracked shards remaining along one side. There was only room for about four people to sit comfortably on board, and Holly felt her earlier excitement dissolve into nerves.

‘Come on, you'll be totally safe with me,' said Aidan, holding out his hand and then grabbing her under the arms and lifting her clean off the ground and into the boat. Horribly flustered, Holly staggered away from him and almost went over the side.

Aidan narrowed his eyes at her in mock anger and passed her a life jacket. She was sure she looked like a complete idiot in it, but she wasn't willing to risk going without. She got the impression that Aidan was only wearing his for show, and he quickly got the motor going and steered them away from the shore like a true pro.

After the initial sensation of being in something incredibly fast-moving and close to the surface of the water passed, Holly relaxed and trailed her fingers in the sea. Aidan pointed the boat east and they headed straight for Marathonissi, which seemed to look even more like a giant turtle from this side of the bay.

Like the beach in Kalamaki, this island was a hotspot for turtle nests, and much of it was roped off from the public. Tour boats came over here every day from Laganas, Aidan told her, but there was a strict limit on how long people could linger on the sand. He'd done a lot of work with the local conservation group that looked after the turtles – or Caretta carettas, as they were referred to locally – and it was something the inhabitants of Zakynthos took very seriously. Out of all the Greek islands in
this area, this was the one the turtles had chosen to return to year after year – and to Holly, as well as everyone else here, that made the place all the more special.

It took them around twenty minutes to reach the island. When they arrived, Aidan curled up his nose in disgust at a cluster of tourist boats that had formed a circle not far from the sandy shore.

‘They've spotted a turtle,' he explained. ‘The Caretta caretta turtle has to come up to the surface to breathe air every five minutes or so, which means everyone gets to take their photo.'

‘Do you think it upsets them?' Holly asked, taking in the frown on his face as they passed the boats at a distance.

‘I don't know,' he shrugged. ‘I just think it's a bit much when there's a gang of boats like that. If the turtles become disorientated, then they'll be distressed. But I suppose if it means people will donate money and not stick their beach umbrellas into the nests, then it's a good thing.'

Holly nodded in agreement. She'd always felt the same way about zoos – that they were a bit cruel but also necessary. It was far harder to care about something you'd never seen, than an animal you'd been a few inches away from. She was going to make the point to Aidan, but she sensed he'd be against the entire concept of an animal in a cage. Holly had often thought that her mum had turned into a sort of caged animal in the end – unable to leave the house, her wings clipped by years of alcohol abuse. Looking up, she saw a flock of birds soaring high above the island and wondered if there was any way Jenny could be
one of them. If you could choose to come back as anything, Jenny would definitely have picked a bird, and it comforted Holly to think of her that way, taking flight and seeking out new adventures.

‘If we head out to sea a bit, we can watch the sun go down,' Aidan shouted over the roar of the engine. Marathonissi was vanishing rapidly behind them now and all that lay ahead was vast, blue ocean. Holly's phone had finally stopped vibrating, either from lack of signal or lack of battery, and she tried in vain to shove the guilt away and throw it overboard. She hadn't done anything wrong, she reassured herself. Yes, she was out in a boat about to watch the sun set with a man she barely knew, but she hadn't yet crossed that line. Everything would be okay if she could just stay on her side of the fence.

Aidan seemed to know exactly where to go and after a time he killed the engine and dropped the anchor. Two large rocks stood some distance ahead of them in the water, each poking its nose through the surface like an inquisitive mole. The fiery red ball of the sun sat fatly in the sky just above them, dropping a fraction closer to the horizon with the lap of each gentle wave against the side of the boat.

‘I used to bring Sandra out here sometimes,' Aidan said, removing his life jacket and propping it behind his back like a cushion. ‘She was a very good listener, your aunt, and very patient with me when I was going through all my break-up nonsense.'

‘I'm sure it wasn't nonsense,' Holly said. The words that Aidan had used to describe how he felt earlier had really stayed with her. The idea of having to learn not to love
somebody was heartbreaking, but hadn't she been doing the exact same thing ever since Jenny died?

‘I think she'd been through some heartbreak of her own,' he said carefully. ‘She understood how wretched I was feeling and she never lied.'

‘Lied about what?' Holly was intrigued.

‘You know how some people will always just tell you what they think you need to hear, like, “Don't worry, old chap, plenty more fish in the sea,” and all that crap?'

‘I don't think anyone has used the words “old chap” since Dickensian times,' Holly giggled. ‘But yes, I get what you mean. I think people get fed up of other people's grief and misery. After a while it's just easier to pretend that you're all right, so as not to bear the weight of their guilt on top of your own sadness.'

Aidan was looking at her intently now, and his face was so close that she could have counted his eyelashes if she'd wanted to.

‘Is that what you do, Holly?' he asked. ‘Do you pretend that everything is okay?'

‘Sometimes,' she shrugged, amazed at how easily she was admitting all this. ‘For a time it's all I did. It helped me to survive after I lost my mum. I just played a part of someone who was coping, but inside I was …'

She had to stop there before her voice betrayed her, and Aidan fell silent too. The sun was almost down and the sky was transforming into a riot of gold, red and amber. The surface of the water looked like a rippling sheet of bronze, freshly baked and ready to be twisted and shaped into something else, something beautiful.

‘You can't put a time frame on these sorts of things,' he
said gently. ‘Heartbreak, grief, sadness – they all cut their own shape into you. Wanting to feel better is just the beginning – it can take a lifetime to recover. In fact, I think some people never do. I don't think Sandra ever did.'

Holly thought about the letter, about what her aunt had said about not being deserving. Had Sandra done something so awful to Jenny that it had severed the bond between them for good? Surely that was the answer. But what? She opened her mouth to ask Aidan, but quickly shut it again. If he knew what had happened, then he would have told her already – of that she was sure. Despite not knowing him very well, she trusted him. Her instincts were telling her that he was a good guy, and for now she was happy to listen to them.

‘I hope I do,' she said, not taking her eyes off the sun. It was half-obscured by the ocean now and burning a bright, angry red.

Aidan sat up and put a big, warm hand on her shoulder. ‘For ever is a long time,' he said, squeezing her muscle with his fingers. ‘You have to want to be happy, though. I get the impression that you're far too hard on yourself. You don't give yourself enough credit.'

There he went again, looking right through her and seeing the bits she'd hidden the deepest.

‘What happened with your mum, it wasn't your fault. You have to know that.'

But it
had
been her fault, to a certain extent. If she had been less of a disappointment, less of a burden, then maybe her mum would have found the strength to get better. If she hadn't gone to college on that day, if she'd been there to clear her mum's airway before it was too
late. If, if, if … The word stabbed at Holly like a knife, making her double over. She took her eyes off the sun and stared down at her feet in the bottom of the boat. Aidan said nothing, just kept scrunching his fingers against her shoulder until she felt herself start to relax. By the time she looked up again at the horizon, it was pitch black.

‘That sunset was amazing,' she said, turning to Aidan and finding the whites of his eyes in the darkness.

‘Some people prefer the sunrise,' he said, his voice barely a whisper. ‘But I prefer this. The darkness that follows is so absolute out here.'

‘On that note …' Holly forced a shred of humour into her voice. ‘You are going to be able to get us back to shore, aren't you?'

Aidan laughed. ‘Yes. Don't worry. This boat does have a light and there's probably even a compass, somewhere on this wreck.'

‘Whose boat is this, anyway?' Holly asked, shifting slightly against the weight of his hand, which was still resting on her back.

‘Just a guy I know, a Greek bloke,' he muttered. ‘He's got a few boats, I think, but this is the worst of them.'

‘I feel so flattered,' Holly giggled. She was keen to get the atmosphere back from serious to jovial, and she was enjoying the sensation of being this close to Aidan – more than was safe.

‘I'll take us back to Keri in a minute,' he told her, ‘but first I want you to shut your eyes and lie down.'

‘You want me to
what
?' Holly spluttered.

Aidan laughed. ‘Don't worry, I'm not trying to have my wicked way with you, woman – just trust me.'

Holly shut her eyes and let Aidan guide her down on to her back. The boat was still rocking against the waves and she felt horribly vulnerable not being able to see what was going on. After arranging his life jacket under her head, he lay down next to her and brushed a stray finger against the back of her hand.

‘Okay, you can open them now.'

Holly opened her eyes and gasped. The sky was absolutely littered with stars, hundreds of them. It was as if someone had sprinkled glitter, and each one sparkled with such magical beauty that Holly felt a lump form in her throat. She'd read about things taking your breath away, but she realised in this moment that she'd never experienced it herself. There were no words to describe what she was seeing, just feelings. She could feel her heart hammering away in her chest and she could feel Aidan's too. He must have seen these stars so many times before, but even he had been hushed into reverent silence by the sheer majesty of this night sky.

‘It never gets old, this view,' he whispered, reading her mind as he always seemed to do. ‘The first time I came out here, I knew I could never leave this place. I'm not afraid to admit that these stars made me cry. I wasn't sad, I was just moved, and I'm still moved by them now.'

That was it, that was what she was feeling. It was impossible not to feel small and insignificant down here, so many thousands of miles beneath those stars, but at the same time she also sensed that this moment was huge, that it was one that she would never forget, and she wanted to wrap it up and take it with her.

‘Are you okay?' Aidan turned to her at the same time as
she turned to him, and for a second she thought he was going to kiss her. His eyes flicked to her lips then back to her eyes, and she felt her body start to throb with energy. He brought his hand up and gently stroked a curl off her cheek, letting his fingers rest for a second in the soft part where her jaw met her throat. She knew she should move, but she couldn't, so instead she forced her eyes away from his and back up towards the glittering canopy above. There was a pause and Aidan took a deep breath, pushing himself back up into a sitting position and reaching for his bag.