My Lucky Days: A Novel (32 page)

I didn’t say anything as he hung up the phone.

Some strings don’t unravel all at once. Instead they come apart, thread by thread—so slowly that a person doesn’t know anything is wrong until a giant hole opens up on the side of their favorite sweater and the string is completely gone.

Lucky helped me into the house. I took a deep breath, seeing the familiar gray walls of the living room.

“Maybe you should take a shower.” His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was twisted in a wild mess. “Do you want me to help you?”

I stared at him a moment before shaking my head. “I can do it.”

I felt his lips against mine, but my heart didn’t move. His little kisses had always made my breath catch and my feet feel lighter.

After stripping out of my clothes, I turned the temperature to hot and climbed inside the shower. I stared down at my stomach as the spray hit my skin. I couldn’t feel the warmth of the water. I turned the knob a little more and a little more. I turned it all the way to scalding and my skin turned red. I still didn’t feel it.

I eventually climbed out with splotchy patches across my body. I stared at myself in the mirror. I had a mark on my forehead from where I’d fallen against the cement.

Picking up my phone, I stared at the screen until I finally punched out a message.

M
E:
I’m back early. I need you to come to Stillwater tomorrow. I’ll explain when you get here.

P
EYTON:
What is going on?

M
E:
I just need you to come here.

P
EYTON:
Katie! You can’t send cryptic messages. Talk now. I’m calling.

I didn’t respond. She called twice, and I turned the phone completely off.

When I got dressed, I found Lucky passed out across my bed with his clothes still on. Taking out my box of candles, I lined them up in straight rows across my desk. I lit each one, seeing the flame come to life. I climbed in bed beside the man who had brought the greatest happiness and the greatest pain into my life.

Taking in a deep breath, I inhaled the familiar scent of lavender. I stared at my familiar curtains and familiar window until my eyes finally closed.

T
he next morning, I woke to him sitting in the desk chair next to the bed. His hair was still damp as he watched me sleep.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey.”

We stared at each other. The dark circles were vibrant under his eyes. He let out a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say. I-I don’t know what to do.”

I swallowed the knot in my throat. “I don’t either.”

I suppose life would continue on. Lucky would go on the road. I would start teaching in a few weeks. But today? I wasn’t sure what would happen today. Or tomorrow. What would I do tomorrow? I needed to call Dr. Phillips and make an appointment. That’s what the ER doctor told me to do. But not today.

“Peyton called me earlier. She said you asked her to come but didn’t know why.”

I blinked at him a few seconds before responding. “Did you tell her?”

“Yeah.”

I felt a small break in the dark hole that was building inside my heart. I wouldn’t have to explain. And then I remembered the last time I saw her. Just a week ago. Things had been so different a week ago.

Lucky came over next to me on the bed and sat down. Picking up my hand, he kissed the tip of each finger. I waited for my heart to start beating again.

But it didn’t.

“I’m so sorry, Katie. I keep thinking about what happened. It’s my fault. I-I should have never asked you to come. I’m . . . sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” My voice cracked on the words, and I cleared my throat. “It’s not anyone’s fault. These things just happen.”

“They just happen?” He stared at me.

“Yeah. At least, that’s what the doctor said. Maybe you weren’t there . . . when she said it.”

He wiped a tear from his eye. “I hate that I wasn’t there. Please know, I-I would never do something like that on purpose.”

“I know,” I whispered.

“I
promise
you. You’ll never go through something like . . .” His voice died off. “You’ll never be in the hospital alone again. I will always be there. I’ll make sure of it.”

Something in my heart lurched. I felt his words but not in the way Lucky intended.

“You can’t make that promise to me,” I whispered.

His finger trailed over my cheek. “Yes, I can. I’ll change stuff. I’ll handle it differently. We are getting married. I will be here for you.”

“We both know that’s not possible. This isn’t a one-foot-here and one-foot-there kind of thing. You can’t be in both worlds. You’ll fail at being a husband and your career will go nowhere.”

“What are you saying?” His face grew serious.

“I-I don’t know.” My throat burned and the tears fell down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure what I was saying either.

Looking around my room, I saw the sunlight coming through my window. It cast a warm glow across my room.

“Maybe I could stay.”

My eyes caught his. “What?”

“I can tell Jack no. And I can work for Colt. Pick up a few shows here and there. Like I was doing before.”

“You can’t do that.”

“I will. Just tell me to do it. And I will.”

I sat up in bed, feeling the pain in my body. The pain of where something used to be. “I won’t do that.”

“You need me here. Just say that’s what you want.”

And my head started spinning, like that time I went on the Tilt-a-Whirl at the fair. I had been eleven. It was in a suburb of Chicago. My parents had left for the weekend. And I walked four miles to a fair. I rode the Ferris wheel and the Tilt-a-Whirl by myself. I remembered that day. It smelled of sunshine. And cotton candy. I even ate some on the four-mile walk back home.

“Katie?”

The room came back into focus, and I realized Lucky had my face cupped in his hands. He leaned in, brushing a kiss against my forehead. As I looked into his sad brown eyes, I saw my own broken reflection.

Do I ask him to stay? Do I tell him to go?

Either way, our beautiful relationship would eventually get ugly.

I would hate him. He would hate me.

It would destroy us.

I didn’t want it to end ugly.

I didn’t want it to end at all.

But we couldn’t go on like this.

We shouldn’t do this anymore.

“What?” Confusion flashed through his brown eyes, and I realized those words had been said out loud. Lucky shook his head, pulling me to his chest. I felt his heart beating against my cheek. “Don’t say things like that.”

I let him hold me. I let his hands rub against my back. I let his lips brush against my cheek. And finally he loosened the tight grip. As we looked at each other, my thoughts spun into clarity. Like on that Tilt-a-Whirl. Fast and vibrant.

“Katie?”

My thoughts snapped together and I saw his sweet face. I struggled to keep my voice steady. “I love you, Lucky. I really do.”

His face crumbled. “Don’t say it, Katie.”

“But we want different things. I’ve always known that and I told myself I could live with only having half of you. But I can’t. I know that now. I just want something simple here. I don’t want a life on the road and I don’t want a husband who is always gone. I don’t want to be here alone. Doing life alone. I just can’t. And yesterday, I never felt more alone in my life.”

“Katie . . .” He lifted my hand up, holding his lips against my skin. “I’m so, so sorry. It fucking kills me and I would do anything to change what happened.”

I smiled sadly. “I know you would.”

“Then don’t say this is over. We can make this work. I would do anything for you, Katie.”

“I know you would. But I would never ask you to give up your dream. The one you had before I ever existed in your life. And that dream is part of the reason I fell in love with you. Lucky, I would never take that away from you. And you shouldn’t let me.”

“But, Katie . . . I could, maybe.”

“No.” I ran my thumb over his lips as the tears fell down my cheeks. “You said . . . you said if it was ever too much. You’d walk away from me. No questions asked. I’m . . . I’m . . . telling you . . . it’s too much.”

I sucked in a deep breath, feeling the painful sob consume me. I couldn’t keep anything together anymore. This was the right decision. I was doing the right thing. But sometimes, the right thing hurt.

“No,” he whispered. “I’m not going to let you do this.”

“You p-promised.”

“But that was before I fell in love with you and wanted to marry you and had a baby.” His voice trailed off as his face crushed and the tears flowed freely down his cheeks and onto my hands. “I’ll fight you on this.”

“Please . . . no.”

“You’re asking me to just . . . just let you go?”

“Yes. I don’t want to hate you, Lucky. I don’t want you to hate me. Your life is just beginning. And you need someone who can live that life with you. You need someone different than me.” I wiped my tears across my wrist. “I want you to walk out of here and for us to not hate each other. I want this to be a good goodbye.”

“There’s no such thing as a fucking
good
goodbye.” The anger flared up for a moment. In all these months together, I had never seen him upset with me. His pupils dilated for a second. And the guy who always laughed—
who always made me laugh
—had flames in his eyes.

I counted my breaths as we stared at each other.

And then the fire disappeared as quickly as it had surfaced. “Is this what you really want?”

I wanted to live happily ever after with him. I wanted us to have a baby and a beautiful life. I wanted us to be together every day and fall asleep at night wrapped in each other’s arms. I wanted to feel his kisses at eighty years old. And dance together at sixty. I wanted him to sing to me on a summer day at thirty.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay.” He cleared his throat. “Then I’ll um . . . move my stuff back into the pool house.”

“You should take it to your apartment in Nashville. You need to go all in, Lucky.” I smiled sadly. “Don’t wait around here anymore.”

He pulled me into his arms. I got a whiff of his cologne mixed with soap. I would miss that smell. I choked back another round of ugly sobs. I was setting him free. This was for the best.

His lips brushed my cheek and he held me for a while. I reached up, running my hands through his soft hair one last time.

Our love had been a bright spark in the middle of a dark night. Vibrant and wild. But something that consumed all its power in a giant burst couldn’t stay burning forever.

His gaze caught mine and he gave me a sad smile. “Do you regret it, Katie? Do you regret me?”

“No.” I touched the scruff on his cheek. “I had fun with you, Lucky.”

The pain inside was so strong I could barely breathe the words. Those moments with him had been beautiful. I would never forget my days with Lucky.

Because those were truly my lucky days.

He turned his head slightly, kissing my wrist. “Maybe if we had met earlier or maybe later.”

“Maybe,” I whispered. But someone had once said we couldn’t worry about the maybes and I understood that more now than ever.

He took my hand, placing it over his heart. “You’ll always be in here. No matter what happens out there. No matter where I go. You’ll be the only one in here.”

I should have told him not to say that. But I couldn’t.

Lucky pulled me against his body. He rocked me in his arms. At first, it was a faint hum and then his words came in a whisper against my ear. He sang my song. And I let him. I let his words be for me and only me—one last time.