My Husband's Sweethearts (19 page)

Elspa and I are standing on the grassy lawn while
Gail works to secure the car seat in the back
of my car. Rudy is holding Rose and her diaper
bag.

Eleanor and my mother didn't want to go to the zoo.
My mother pulled me aside and said she wanted time with
Eleanor, to talk to her about being a widow. "I know what
it's like to still be in love with a dead man," my mother
said. "And she still loves Artie. It's going to hurt terribly
when he's gone." There are things that I trust my mother
with. She'll be good for Eleanor.

And John is gone.

He slipped a note under my hotel room door before
Elspa and I woke up. It was addressed to the four of us.
He explained that there was a work crisis back at home.
He was taking the train. He was so very sorry.

I was relieved by the note at first, but then I imagined
him with his scratched face, sitting on the train, and I
wondered what kind of explanation he had for me. But I
don't really want to hear it. Not really. I know I have to
feel everything. But I can take one emotion at a time. And
I can't help it; I'm tired of lying men.

But then I see it from a different angle. Artie wasn't the
lying man, in this case. He was the man lied to. The joke
has been on him, hasn't it? He's spent all these years taking
advantage of women while carting around this wound
of not being able to see his one and only son . . . but it
wasn't his son. He paid for another man's child.

And so why did John Bessom spend hours getting to
know Artie? Was it an act of kindness or has he really just
wanted the money all along? Was he lying when he said
that he'd always wanted Artie in his life? Was he part of
the hoax and still part of it—trying to cash in one last
time?

Gail says to Elspa, "There are Cheerios and peeled apple
slices for a snack in the diaper bag, a sippy cup, and a
change of clothes, in case she pees in her big-girl pants."
There's something tender and intimate about the words
big-girl pants
that makes me feel for Gail for the first time.
But then she rears from the car, takes Rose from Rudy,
and says, "Are you ready to go to the zoo with Auntie
Elspa and her friends? It will be okay! You'll see!" And
this makes me sigh. Why does she have to call her
Auntie
Elspa? And why does she have to say it will be okay, as if
Rose has been wringing her hands all morning wondering
if it will be?

Rose is a sweetie. She smiles shyly and wriggles to get
down and climb into the car into her seat.

"Look at her go," Gail says. "I've tried to teach her
caution, but she'll hop out of my arms and go off with
anyone, really, into any adventure—just like her mother, I
suppose."

Gail is obviously baiting Elspa, but Elspa doesn't seem
to notice. She's so happy to be going off with Rose, almost
giddy. "We'll meet at Chez Nous at six for dinner," she
says. "It won't be too long."

We all pile into the car, Elspa in the back with Rose.
As we pull out of the drive, Elspa tries to wave to her
mother, but Gail has already turned and is marching into
the house.

*

The day is bright and clear. I haven't been to a zoo since I
was a child. Elspa ties a balloon to Rose's wrist. She waddles
with Rose near the penguins. Elspa and I squat with
Rose to check out ants in front of the lions' cages. We eat
peanuts. Rose pees in her pants near the giraffes. Elspa
and Rose—in a new pair of pants—walk along pointing
out birds.

I begin to lag behind. I take some time to stare at
llamas, and finally I feel guilty about John—not for the
slap, no. I feel guilty because he's missing out on this, and
he was invested in this trip, wasn't he? On some level?
And what of all those hours spent with Artie—the soft
patter of their voices? Was that all fake? He was the one
who'd drawn out Eleanor, asking her questions about her
connection to Artie. I remember the way he listened to all
the stories about Artie and me, and that moment when he
found the lost kid in the Walk-through Heart. Was it all
an act? Could it be?

Rose comes padding toward us. Elspa is running after
her. Elspa catches her and swoops her up and makes her
laugh. And then she sets her down. The sun is setting.
Rose waddles a few feet away then gets distracted by the
balloon attached to her wrist.

Elspa says, "If I had to, I would be able to be happy
with this, too. This may be all I get—moments like this,
scattered here and there." And this reminds me of Artie—
all I have left with him are moments scattered here and
there. I'm ready to go home.

Rose waddles to Elspa. She says, "Pick me up!" Elspa
lifts her and holds her close to her chest. They walk over
to a park bench and sit down. She pulls out the bag of
Cheerios. Elspa feeds Rose, and Rose feeds Elspa.

*

As soon as we pull into the parking lot at Chez Nous, a
Mercedes flashes its headlights at us.

"That's their car," Elspa says in a hushed voice. Rose is
fast asleep, head lolled to one side of her car seat. We're
restlessly silent.

Suddenly, I'm flooded with fears. What if this doesn't
go smoothly? What if she can't see it through? And what
if it does go smoothly? Have I really even thought of what
life will be like with Rose in it? Am I prepared for any of
this? Is Elspa really capable of being a good mother—not
just in a zoo on a bright day, but every day, in the daily
messy rigor of raising a family?

The Mercedes pulls up alongside us. The window
buzzes down. It's Rudy. Gail is a dim figure in the passenger's
seat, sitting completely still. "Good evening, all!"
Rudy says. "How was it?"

"What's wrong?" Elspa asks, sensing something that I
don't quite see.

"We'll have to cancel dinner. Your mother has one of
her headaches."

Gail glances at us, two fingers pressed to her temple as
if this provides the necessary proof.

Rudy steps out of the car, leaving the engine running.

"What?" Elspa says.

He opens the back door of my car.

"She's asleep," Elspa says. "Can't she just spend the
night with me tonight? Let's not shift her now and then
again when you get home."

I cough a little, hoping to let Elspa know that we're
shooting for more than an overnight here.

"Rose is asleep now?" Gail says, alarmed. She gets out
of the car now, too, and strides over to see Rose for herself.
"Her sleep schedule will be completely off track."

"I need to talk to you two," Elspa says.

"We can talk tomorrow," he says. "Let's get this kiddo
home to bed. Poor sweetie."

Elspa looks at me. Her eyes are wide and panic-stricken.

I grab hold of her arm, as if to steady her. "Don't give
up now," I whisper to her. "Go on."

She stares at me a moment and then nods. She gets out
of the car and stands there with Gail and Rudy, creating a
triangle between the cars. "I need to talk right now."

I look at my hands in my lap, wanting to give Elspa
privacy, but I glance up again and again. I want to be present,
too, for support.

"We've got to get her home," Gail says.

"I'm her mother. Her home is with me."

Gail turns to Rudy. "I told you she'd try to pull something!"

"Don't do this," he says to Elspa.

Elspa looks strong and tall. Her back is stiff. "Do you
want me to pretend I'm not her mother? 'Auntie' Elspa?
Who came up with that?"

"Let's not get ugly," her mother says.

"I'm heading back tomorrow and Rose is coming with
me," Elspa says.

"You can't handle it, Elspa," Gail says anxiously.
"We've been over this. We've been dragged through it!"

"I can handle it now, though. I've changed. I've
started over."

"Let me make this perfectly clear," Gail says, leaning
in. "I'm not going to hand that child over to you. I am not
going to have one failure turn into two."

"Am I a failure?" Elspa says. "Is that what you think
of me?"

"It's a simple fact that you are incapable of raising
a child," Gail says. "We've been through counseling.
We know how this will play out in all of its disastrous
variations."

Rudy touches Gail's arm. "Don't," he says. "Gail."

"Don't touch me, Rudy!" she shouts. "I know what
I'm doing! She is not taking this child!"

Elspa reaches out and puts a hand on the roof of the
car to steady herself, and before I know it, I've stepped
out of the driver's seat and I'm saying, "This isn't about
what you think about Elspa. This is about Elspa's rights.
You don't have custody, and if you try to reach into this
car and pick up Rose and leave with her, that constitutes
kidnapping."

"Don't you threaten me," Gail says.

"Let's not get out of control here," Rudy says, trying to
smile while glancing nervously at each of us.

"I need this little girl in my life," Elspa says, and now
she softens, like she remembers the new plan—feeling
everything. "I need her as much as she needs me. I'm
afraid, of course I'm afraid. But I've done okay. And now
I want to have a reason to be the best version of myself.
And that reason is Rose, because that version of myself is
Rose's mother. Every day." She pauses a moment. Everyone
is silent. "I won't do it the way you have. Completely
perfect. I'll make mistakes. But they'll be my own mistakes.
You have to allow me that."

Gail freezes. She looks ashen. She grabs Rudy's shoulder
and looks around the parking lot, wide-eyed. "I tried
to create the perfect childhood for my children," she says.
"But in the end, I failed you."

"No, you didn't," Elspa says.

"Why have you always disagreed with me on everything?
I failed you," she says. Her eyes well up.

Elspa takes a step toward her mother to give her a hug,
but Gail holds up her hand to stop her.

"No," Gail says. "I can't go through this." She turns
to Rudy. "So, here it is. You said this would happen one
day. You said I would have to let her go. And you were
right. Is that what you'd like to hear?" She starts walking
back to the car. "Let's make this break as cleanly as
possible."

"We don't have to do this cleanly," Elspa says. "We
just have to make our way. I'm not expecting it to be
clean."

Gail stops and says, "I'm offering you all that I'm capable
of." She gets into the car and slams the door.

Rudy stands there, staring at Elspa. He's stunned for a
moment and then he tears up. He rubs his eyes, trying to
regain his composure. He can't. He turns his back, revealing
his shaking shoulders. When he faces Elspa again, he
touches her hair, then kisses her gently on the cheek. "I've
been waiting for this moment for so long. I knew you
would come for her when you were ready. I've said it all
along."

"You have?" she asks shyly.

He nods. "I'll be able to take care of it with your
mother." He tears up again, and then clears his throat.
"We have to be able to see Rose. Often. She's our little
girl, too. We love her."

"I know," Elspa says. "I'll never be able to repay you.
She needs her grandparents. I know that. There will be a
lot of visiting. This isn't an ending. Tell Mom that. Tell her
that this could be the start of a new relationship. A
good one."

His eyes are wet and when he smiles, the tears slip
down his cheeks, and then he turns and walks back to the
car and gets in. The car sits, as if stalled, and then slips
away.

Elspa and I stand there for a moment.

"You did it," I tell her. "You were amazing."

"I think I was," Elspa says, a little stunned.

And then we both turn and stare at Rose, still sleeping
soundly.

*

Later, in the hotel room, Elspa lays Rose down on her bed.
She takes off her daughter's shoes while she's still sleeping.
I've called my mother, Bogie held under her arm, and
Eleanor into the room to see.

"I can't believe she's here," I whisper.

"You really did it," Eleanor says. "You really did."

My mother smiles serenely. "She's breathtaking."

I sit down on my bed, feeling completely heavy and
spent. The day has been so gusty and wildly unpredictable.
And I'm not sure why, maybe because my defenses are low
now, or maybe because it seems like the right thing to be
completely honest, but I find myself saying, "John isn't
Artie's son." I didn't know I was going to say a word, but
there it is.

Elspa's eyes open wide and she smiles. "So, he's on this
trip because he's in love with you."

I have no idea why Elspa would make that odd connection.
"He lied to me, Elspa. To all of us."

"Yes, but he did it because he's in love with you."

"That's ridiculous," I say. "No, no." I look to Eleanor
and my mother for support, but they just look at me, shaking
their heads, smiling a little. "Are you kidding me? You
agree with her?"

"Mhmm," Eleanor says. "I do."

"She's right, honey," my mother says. "And he left because
of you. And were you the one who gave him that
scratch?"

"I don't have to answer that," I say. Even Bogie seems
to be looking at me suspiciously.

Elspa shrugs. "It's the only thing that really makes
sense. It's pure logic." She brushes some of Rose's bangs,
damp with sweat, off her forehead. "Do you love him,
too?"

"No," I tell her. "He's a liar. And he doesn't love me."
I'm stunned because I'm not sure that I'm telling the
truth. Could he love me? Do I love him, too? Of course
not. I want to go on to say,
He's Artie's son—how could I
fall in love with him?
But that's not true. It was never true.
"I want to enjoy
this
moment." I point to Rose on the bed.
She looks angelic. "Just look at her!"

Elspa tucks her in under the covers and curls up on
top of the covers, face-to-face with Rose. "I can't believe
she's mine," Elspa says, and she watches her daughter
sleep. She runs her fingers over her features—sculpting
her little girl's face.