My Heart is Yours (10 page)

It was later that night, past midnight. Jason wasn’t
at Sam’s house. He’d gone home to get sleep. Sam wished that he’d
just never go back to his father’s house again. She tried to
convince him to stay at their place but he insisted on going home.
Sam couldn’t imagine why but she sincerely hoped that it wasn’t
because of Craig.

There was a knock on her bedroom door.

“Come in.”

John peeked in. “Hey, baby sister.”

Sam glanced up from her journal. “Hey, John. You can
come in you know.”

“Are you okay?” He asked, sitting down next to her
on her bed.

“John, I’m fine.” She sighed.

“You always say you’re fine, Sam.”

She paused. “I’ll get over it.”

“That’s better.” He nodded slightly.

“You want me to be sad?”

“No. I just don’t want you pretending you’re not.”
John offered her a small smile.

Sam lay back on her bed and sighed.

“Like I said, I’ll get over it.” She stared up at
the white ceiling.

“Are Derek and Juliana going?” He asked.

“Of course they are. Besides, they don’t need
financial aid. They’re rich.” Sam tried not to let bitterness drip
out of her voice but despite her efforts it still escaped.

“That’s what you get for having a couple of rich
friends. If all your friends were poor like us, you’d have a lot
less of this disappointment.” John said with his patented blend of
complete seriousness and a hint of teasing.

Sam punched him on the arm. “Ouch.” He said. Sam had
grown up with a bunch of boys, so she could throw a powerful punch
if she wanted to; and she wanted to.

“Don’t be such a girl.” Sam teased him.

“Yeah, yeah, smart ass. I’m just sayin’.” John said,
messing up Sam’s hair. She smiled. John always did have a way of
making her feel better.

***

D
erek and Juliana were
getting ready to head off to Princeton at the end of August. Sam
had registered for a couple of classes at a community college close
to their house. She was still upset about not going to Princeton,
but she had Jason, and every time she looked at him she forgot
about everything else. All things considered, she was the happiest
she’d ever been in her life.

Jason couldn’t afford to take Sam out to fancy
restaurants or take her shopping, so there weren’t a lot of
“dates”. At least not in the traditional way most people think of
dates. He’d take her to a movie once in a while but that was about
it. They’d go to the park and walk around there together. Sometimes
Sam would go on the swings. Jason never really went on the swings,
but he would push Sam on them. Otherwise, they’d hang out at Sam’s
house. Not Jason’s though. Never Jason’s.

“I wish I could get you stuff.” Jason said suddenly
one day when he and Sam were lying on Sam’s bed. The lamp from her
chipped wooden nightstand was dim.

“What?” She asked, turning to look at him.

“I don’t know, I just wish that I could buy you
stuff you know?”

“You don’t need to get me anything. I don’t need
anything. I have you.” She smiled. “What else could I possibly
need?”

Jason blushed a bit and smiled at Sam looking deep
into her eyes. Today they were a lovely sky blue. He placed a hand
on the side of her face, kissed her and when she pulled away he
said, “Sam?”

“Yeah, Jason?” Her eyes were content.

“I love you.”

There was complete silence.

“Sam?” Jason asked.

“I-I.” She stammered.

“Do you love me?”

“Jason, uh I.” Her mouth flopped uselessly.

“You don’t.” He said getting up. His face had gone
hard. Dark.

Sam got to her feet and grabbed his hand. “I didn’t
say that.” She said.

“You didn’t say you did either.”

“Jason . . . please.” She begged, her blonde hair
slightly bedraggled.

“No. You don’t love me. I get it.”

“I never said I didn’t love you.” Sam’s voice
cracked.

“Then tell me you do. Right now.” His eyes bore into
hers.

Sam was silent. Jason’s hand slid out of hers as he
walked away. Sam ran after him. “Please don’t go.” She begged.
Tears were collecting but she didn’t let them spill.

“Can you tell me that you love me? And mean it.” His
voice had a hard edge to it that she’d never heard before.

“Jason, it’s, it’s not that I don’t.” She tried to
explain it to him.

“Forget it.” He said.

“Wait.”

“I think…” He started, and then sighed. “Sam. I
can’t see you anymore. At least not for a while.” His eyes lost the
hard edge for a fraction of a second revealing unfathomable
pain.

“Jason. Please, don’t.”

“Bye, Sam.”

She watched him walk out of her door, letting it
slam behind him. A lone tear escaped and then the flood
followed.

The door slammed as John got home from work. He
stubbed his toe on the coffee table again. “Damn it.” He muttered.
“Sam? Jason?” He called out. “Hey, lovebirds!”

“Sam?” He walked into the kitchen and not finding
her there walked into the hallway. He knocked on Sam’s door. “Hey.
Anyone in there?” He knocked again. “Hello?” He heard a low noise.
“Sam?” He called quietly, opening her door. “Hon? Are you in here?”
The lights were out but he could hear something. It sounded like
crying. Sam, crying? About what? John sat down on Sam’s bed and
pulled the covers down revealing Sam’s head on a light blue pillow
soaked with tears. The light blue had turned dark where Sam had
stained it with her tears.

“Sam, what happened?” He asked.

“It’s Jason.” She sobbed.

“What? Did something happen to him?”

“No. He’s fine. Kind of.”

“You don’t look fine.” John said.

She cried harder into her pillow.

“Sam, come on, tell me what happened.”

“Jason and I were talking, and he . . . and he . . .
he told me loved me.”

John, who knew his sister so well, finished the
story. “And you didn’t say it back.”

“No. I didn’t. He looked so hurt. It killed me. And
then he said we shouldn’t see each other for a while.” She rubbed
her eyes which were red from crying.

He rubbed her back softly through the covers. “Do
you love him?”

She nodded. “Of course I do.”

“Why couldn’t you say it?”

“I don’t know.” Sam said, still sobbing
hysterically, barely coherent. She took a few deep breaths and
began again, easier to understand this time. “I do. I really do. So
much. But, I don’t know I’m just so . . . screwed up that I think
if something ever happened to him, it’d hurt me more if I’d told
him I loved him.”

“Sam, you can’t always think something terrible is
going to happen to everyone.” John told her gently.

“I know. It’s just. I feel like that’s how my brain
is programmed. I can’t help it.”

John nodded. Sam had experienced a lot of loss; it
wasn’t difficult to understand why she felt that way.

“Well, look at another side of this. You’re always
afraid something will happen. God forbid something does, wouldn’t
it be better for the person to know you love them?” He reasoned
with her.

Sam looked up at him. She knew he was right.

“He’ll come back Sam. He’s waited for you forever.
And you already know he loves you.”

Sam let out a short humorless laugh. John bent down
and kissed the top of her head. “Try to relax and get some sleep,
honey. I’ll tell Craig you aren’t gonna eat dinner.”

Sam nodded. John knew her so well.

He kissed the top of her head one last time, pulled
the covers up and walked out of her room.

Craig and Matt got home at the same time. Craig had
picked him up from the movies. He went to see the new Hitchcock
movie that was out starring Paul Newman; Torn Curtain. Matt loved
the movies and went as often as he could manage.

“Hey.” John said. “Sam’s not gonna eat dinner
tonight.”

“Is she sick?” Matt asked.

“Uh, not physically, kid.”

“What’s wrong with her?” Craig asked.

“She and Jason, uh, had a fight.” That was the best
way that he could think to word it.

“What happened?” Craig asked him, raising his
eyebrows so that they nearly disappeared into the bangs that had
grown out.

“Jason told Sam he loved her. And Sam, well . . .
she does love him, but she couldn’t really bring herself to say it.
‘Cuz, well our Sam does have some issues.”

Craig nodded. Matt shifted in place, almost
shuffling from one foot to another.

The next day was Saturday and Sam stayed in her room
all day. Shawn and Chris asked what was going on and found out
about the incident between Sam and Jason.

Jason did show up at their house. To many raised
eyebrows and lingering glares. Sam wasn’t coming out of her room.
And John didn’t want anything to do with Jason.

Finally, John couldn’t take it anymore. He huffed
and walked up to Jason out on the porch.