My Friend Leonard (5 page)

 

I
start looking for an apartment. I look through the classified sections of the paper, I walk the streets and I look for rental signs, I go to local real estate offices and I look through the listings. I don't want much and I don't need much. Almost all of the money is gone. I want something simple and small and clean. Somewhere for me to sit and sleep and read. Somewhere for me to be alone. Simple and small and clean.

I find a place on my second day. It's on a small street only one block long. At one end of the street there are two giant steel giraffes on opposite corners, they're ridiculous and they make me laugh. At the other end there is a delicate little restaurant, its menu is written in Italian. Trees line both sides of the street, and though I know nothing about the neighborhood, it feels like somewhere that I could live for a while.

The apartment itself is in a large five-story building shaped like a U. It is a one-room apartment on the first floor. It has one brick wall, plain wood floors, an oven and refrigerator. There are three windows, all of them are barred, there are two doors, the doors are in opposite corners. One of them leads into a hall and the other to an alley where there are several large dumpsters.

I meet the building superintendent. His name is Mickey and he is about thirty. He is thin and effeminate and he has blond hair and blue eyes and he wears pajamas. He says he is a painter who is working as a super because he gets free rent, money and lots of time to paint. As he reads my application, I see him occasionally glancing up at me. He finishes and he tells me that he isn't usually allowed to rent apartments to people without jobs. I tell him that I intend to find one. He asks if I have any references and I say no. He says he'll need to check with his boss and I take all of the remaining cash that I have and I place it in front of him.

That's a deposit and two months' rent and a bit extra for you.

He looks down at the money, back at me.

How much extra?

Another month.

He looks me up and down.

You seem nice.

I chuckle.

And you seem like you won't be much trouble.

I laugh again.

He reaches out his hand.

Welcome to the building.

I shake his hand, smile.

Thank you.

We let go of each other's hands.

When do you want to move in?

Right now.

You're in a hurry?

I need somewhere to live.

He reaches into a file and takes out a lease. He asks me some questions, fills in the answers, I sign the lease. He hands me the keys.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I stand.

I'll see you around.

He nods.

You certainly will.

I turn and I leave. I walk to my truck, which is parked on the curb outside the building. I get my clothes and my bottle and I walk back to the apartment. I open the door and I step inside. I set my clothes in a pile on the floor. I hold the bottle in my hand. I have taken it with me almost everywhere that I have gone in the last few days. I keep it with me as a test of my strength. I keep it with me in case I change my mind.

I feel like I want it now the rose. I feel like I want it all the time but more now more. I set it on the floor in the middle of the apartment. I open the door I am going to walk, walking calms me.

It is cold outside. The wind screams through the streets like a whip. It lashes at my face, penetrates my clothes, stings me shakes me hurts me. I
start to walk. No agenda nowhere to go no idea how to get there. I just walk.

I pass the giraffes I say goodbye friends. I walk down a street called Broadway lined with pawnshops, no dreams coming true here. I walk past Wrigley Field it's a baseball stadium dead in winter, old and silent and noble and dark. I walk under the elevated train tracks the ground shakes beneath them every five minutes the ground is shaking. I walk past people some I can't see they are hiding from the winter. I walk past store after store after store selling things I don't need. I walk past apartment buildings light and warm and offices light and warm and schools light and warm. I walk past a hospital. A police station. A firehouse. I just walk. For whatever the reason, it helps me forget. For whatever the reason, it brings me calm.

As the day fades the temperature drops, the light disappears. I have been walking for hours, I make my way back to Kevin's apartment. I see him through the window drinking wine his roommates are smoking. I hit the buzzer go inside sit with them as they drink and smoke. I tell them about my apartment they want to celebrate.

We go back to the same bar we were in last night. We meet most of the same people. I sit with them as they drink and smoke. I have a glass of water. I want to drink, part of me wants to drink, one drink two drinks five drinks twenty. I want to drink because I know drinking will make it all go away. The pain I feel the sadness and sorrow and grief that are with me all day every second in every breath and beat of my heart in every thought in every step in everything I see and hear there is nothing but pain and sadness and sorrow and grief and I know drinking will make it go away. I also know it will kill me if I do it. Maybe not today or tomorrow but it will kill me. If I start I won't be able to stop. There is pain and sadness and sorrow and grief. I have a glass of water. I sit with my friends as they drink and smoke.

When it is time to leave I go back to Kevin's apartment with him. I borrow three blankets and a pillow. I walk back to my new apartment. It is bitter fucking cold and as I walk I wrap myself in the blankets and I clutch the pillow against my chest. I am tired. I don't know why I'm here or what the fuck I'm doing. I need a job and I need some money. I am lonely I miss Lilly so much, so much. It is the dead of night and it is bitter fucking cold and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

I find the giraffes I say hello. I find my building and I open the door and I find my apartment and I open the door. I step inside. I don't turn on the light and I don't take off my jacket or my boots. I lie down on the floor.

The blankets are wrapped around me and I'm clutching the pillow.

I want to drink, but I know drinking will kill me.

I want Lilly, but I know she's not coming back.

I am tired and I want to sleep.

Sleep is not coming.

I lie on the floor.

 

I
need a job and I need some money.

I find a paper and I look through the classifieds. I write down addresses and walk around the city. It's cold and the wind is a whip but the walking calms me. I apply for several jobs. Two at bars working as a doorman. One at a clothing store working in the stock room. One at a coffee shop serving the coffee and working the register. Two at gas stations pumping the gas. I shake hands and I smile and I am told to wait. I give them Kevin's phone number. I wait.

At the end of the day I meet Kevin. He takes me out for pizza. I didn't eat today I'm flat fucking broke. After we eat, we meet our friends at the bar. They drink and smoke and I drink water and smoke. We shoot pool and talk and laugh, I am starting to be able to laugh again. I stay late sitting watching laughing smoking. I don't laugh much, but every now and then is fine.

The night ends and I walk back to Kevin's apartment with him, check the messages, nobody's called me. I walk home. It is home for at least the next two months I have nowhere else to go. I lie down on the floor and I wrap myself in the blankets and I clutch the pillow.

Sleep does not come easily.

Seconds become minutes become hours.

Hours.

I lie on the floor and I clutch the pillow.

I miss her.

I'm alone.

I miss her.

Dark becomes light.

I lie on the floor.

At last I sleep.

I sleep.

Sleep.

I hear my door open. I'm not sure if what I hear is a dream or not. I hear footsteps across my floor. I'm awake I know it's not a dream. I hear voices. Words being whispered someone's in my apartment. What the fuck is going on here. I hear words someone is in my apartment. I'm awake. This is not a dream. Someone is here.

I crack my eyes, look through the slits. My heart starts pounding. I see two pairs of leather shoes, expensive shoes. Who the fuck is here. I try to place the shoes, I can't. I try to place the voices, I can't hear them well enough to place them. I crack my eyes more, look up without moving my head. Why the fuck would someone be in my apartment. Cabinet doors start opening and closing. I look up more, more, more. I see the backs of two heads. I see a familiar bald spot. I open my eyes and I sit up and I speak.

Leonard.

Leonard turns around. He's wearing a black trenchcoat and black suit and he's holding a bag of coffee.

My son.

What are you doing here?

You remember Snapper?

How did you find me?

Had someone look. Wasn't hard.

How'd you get in here?

He motions to the man next to him.

Had him open the door. That wasn't hard either.

I look at the man, who has turned around as well. He's tall and thick and has short black hair and is also wearing a black trenchcoat and a black suit. I met him when he picked Leonard up from the treatment center. He's an intimidating man, a man who looks more like a bear than a person, a man I would avoid were he not with my friend.

How you doing, Snapper?

I'm okay, Kid.

I look back at Leonard.

What are you doing here?

Come here.

How'd you get in my apartment?

Just come here.

I stand.

What?

He motions me forward.

Come here.

I step toward Leonard, he steps toward me. He opens his arms and he puts them around me.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I start to speak, but I can't.

I'm so sorry.

I start to cry.

He hugs me.

I start to cry.

 

I
cry.

In the shower.

As I brush my teeth.

As I get dressed.

Cry.

I've never experienced anything like this, nothing else comes close. Grief, sorrow, sadness, pain pain pain. A hole in my chest that cannot be filled. A wound that is leaking. A break that I can't repair, I'm broken and I can't repair myself and there's nothing I can do.

I cry as I get dressed.

I cry.

I take a deep breath, compose myself. I step out of the bathroom. Leonard and the Snapper are waiting for me. We leave the apartment and I lock the door and we walk to their car, which is sitting at the curb. It's new and large. A white, four-door Mercedes-Benz with black one-way windows. From what Leonard has told me, it is the only type of car that he will own, ride in or drive. He opens the front passenger's door and climbs inside. Snapper opens the driver's door and sits behind the wheel. I get in the backseat and Snapper starts the engine and we pull away from the curb. We drive out to the lake, head south down Lakeshore Drive toward the center of the city. I stare out the window, the lake is frozen, the trees without leaves, the wind strong enough that I feel it pushing the car.

Leonard turns around, speaks.

You hungry?

I look at him.

Yeah.

You look thin.

Jail food, and I haven't been eating much since I've been here.

I hate fucking jail food.

Snapper speaks.

Me too. That shit sucks.

Leonard speaks.

I always try to pay someone to bring me real food.

Snapper speaks.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Leonard speaks.

I should have done that with you. Paid some motherfucker to bring you a Big Mac.

I laugh.

It's not funny. You're too thin. You look sick. We're going to fatten you up while we're here.

I smile.

Okay.

When we get where we're going, I'm going to order you some bacon. A big plate of nothing but bacon.

Okay.

And then we'll get a big lunch.

Okay.

And then we'll get a big dinner. A huge fucking dinner. Steaks, spinach, cake, all kinds of tasty shit.

I laugh.

And you can bring your friends. However many you want. Everybody's welcome.

Laugh again.

It's good to see you laughing, my Son. It's good to see that. I'd be very scared if I couldn't make you laugh.

No reason to be scared, Leonard.

You just had a fucking bomb dropped on you. You seem okay, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared.

I'm fine, Leonard.

You keep saying that to yourself and eventually you will be fine, but don't try to lie to me about it now. I know you're not fine, and you shouldn't expect to be, and that's okay.

I look at him.

It's okay to be fucked-up, James.

And it all comes back. I look down, bite my lip, try to stop myself from crying.

It's okay.

I nod, try to hold back the tears. I turn away from Leonard, look out the window, he leaves me to myself. I try to hold back the tears, but I can't. We drive south toward the city. The lake is frozen. I stare out the window, the tears run down my cheeks.

We reach a sweeping turn in the drive there is frozen beach on our left, we take a right into a mass of steel and stone and glass. We start to drive down Michigan Avenue, skyscrapers line both sides of the street. The sidewalks are crowded, people bundled and warm, nobody here is bothered by the cold. The Hancock lies ahead of us, grows larger as we approach, wide and strong a majestic tower of black steel, I try to follow it with my eyes it stretches beyond my line of sight. I look straight up. It rises higher.

We take a right off the avenue, Snapper pulls up in front of an elegant entrance with a red carpet and a black canopy. He stops the car, two uniformed bellmen open the side doors, a valet rushes to the driver's door. Leonard and I get out of the car. Snapper waves off the valet and pulls away. I ask Leonard where he's going and Leonard says that he's parking the car. I ask why he doesn't let valet do it, he says it is safer that way, nobody can access the car if the Snapper parks it. I sometimes forget who Leonard is and what he does for a living. Snapper parks the car.

We walk under the canopy, doors are held open for us. We enter a small oak lobby. We stand in front of an elevator and we wait for it, when it arrives we step inside. It is also oak, its carpet thick and deep, blood red. It is as nice an elevator as I have ever seen. Its control panel only has one button. Leonard pushes it and up we go very quickly my ears pop.

We stop. The doors silently slide open. We step into another lobby this one huge with soaring ceilings, expensive furniture, a subtle reception counter, three well-dressed concierges. We walk through the lobby toward a restaurant on the far side, it sits in front of a huge bank of windows with a view of the city and the lake.

We stop at the hostess stand. Leonard says hello, the hostess smiles and asks if he would like his usual table. He says of course, Madam, and there
is no need for you to escort us. She laughs and we walk to a table for four near the windows. We sit down. A waitress comes she says hello to Leonard she seems to know him too. She offers him a menu and he says no thank you, I already know what we would like. She says okay and he orders a plate of bacon, a big plate of nothing but bacon. He orders a plate of sausage, a big plate of nothing but sausage. He orders blueberry pancakes, Belgian waffles, scrambled eggs, fried eggs. He orders a pot of coffee and a pitcher of water and three glasses of milk. He orders three omelettes, one with cheese, one with steak, one with spinach and tomatoes, and he orders corned-beef hash and hash browns and roasted potatoes and four types of toast. The waitress is laughing and so am I and Leonard looks at the ceiling and starts scratching his chin. He asks himself if he forgot anything and he thinks for a moment and he says ha, I did forget a couple of things. He orders a basket of scones and a basket of muffins. The waitress asks if that is all and he says yes, for now. She laughs again and she walks away.

The Snapper joins us. He sits next to Leonard, across from me. Leonard looks at him and the Snapper nods. Leonard turns to me, speaks.

Time to talk.

Something wrong?

I'm not sure, that's why we need to talk.

Okay.

Leonard looks in my eyes.

You drinking?

I shake my head.

No.

You doing drugs?

No.

After what's happened, I'll understand if you are.

I'm not.

And I'd rather have you be using, than have you lie to me.

I'm not lying to you, Leonard.

You sure?

Yeah.

Leonard looks at Snapper. Snapper reaches into one of the side-pockets of
his trenchcoat and draws out my bottle of rose. He sets it in the middle of the table. Leonard looks back at me.

Care to explain?

I laugh.

It's not funny.

First you break into my place, and now you're stealing shit from it.

Yeah.

I shake my head.

That's fucked up, Leonard.

Why do you have it?

Because I've been thinking about it. I keep it on hand in case I decide I want it.

You don't want it.

We'll see.

Trust me, you don't want it.

We'll see.

No, we won't see. Drinking is not an option for you.

That's for me to decide, Leonard.

You want to die?

No.

That's what'll happen if you start again.

I know.

Do you think that's what she would want for you?

I haven't thought about it.

Maybe you should.

Maybe you should leave it alone.

She wouldn't want you drinking.

Shut the fuck up, Leonard.

She couldn't do it, but you know she'd want you to.

Shut the fuck up, Leonard.

Didn't she used to say that a second of freedom is worth more than a lifetime of bondage?

Yeah, she did. Now change the fucking subject.

She wasn't strong enough, James. She couldn't do it over the long term.

Shut the fuck up, Leonard.

But you can, and she would want you to, and you should remember that.

Fuck you, Leonard.

I reach out, take the bottle, set it on the floor next to my chair.

I appreciate the sentiment, and I'm not going to fucking talk about it anymore.

The food arrives. We eat in silence. The bacon is hot and crispy, the sausage thick and juicy, the pancakes with syrup sweet. I drink one two three cups of coffee. I look at my food or out the window, I do not look at Leonard or Snapper. The bottle is at my feet. The decision is mine.

I hear Leonard set down his fork and his knife, take a deep breath, let out a long sigh. He speaks.

James.

I look up.

Yeah?

You promise me two things and I won't bring that shit up again.

What?

Promise me you didn't spend the money I gave you on drugs or liquor.

I didn't.

And promise me if you do decide to drink, you'll call me and talk to me before you do it.

I can promise you that.

Leonard turns to Snapper.

You heard him, right?

Snapper nods.

Yes, I did.

Leonard turns to me.

You're going to have to deal with Snap if you break the promises.

I laugh.

Fine.

You laughed. That's good. I came here to have some fucking fun, and I want you laughing, and I want you having fun. It'll help.

I nod.

I know.

I want you to stay in the hotel with us tonight. I got you a room right next to our rooms.

You didn't need to do that.

I know I didn't need to, but I wanted to, and I already did. And feel free to
take whatever you want from the mini-bar. The chips are tasty and the cola is cold.

I laugh again. Leonard keeps talking and we eat. We finish eating and we stand and Leonard leaves a hundred-dollar bill on the table and we walk to a bank of elevators in the lobby. We step inside Leonard hands me a key. The doors close and we move up quickly and silently. The doors open and we step out the hall is quiet and the walls are perfectly painted the lights dim the carpet thick. We walk to the end of the hall there are three rooms in a line. Leonard speaks.

You want to go down to the pool?

I speak.

I'm going to take a nap.

Take a nap? It's not even ten o'clock.

I'm tired.

Leonard looks at Snapper.

He's tired.

Snapper speaks.

So what, let him sleep.

Leonard looks at me.

How long you want to sleep for?

An hour or so.

We'll come get you in an hour. We'll go down to the pool, do some swimming, maybe some Jacuzzi.

Okay.

Leonard points to a door.

That's your room. I'm in the middle. Snap's over there.

I walk to my door, open it.

See you in a while.

I step inside, close the door, walk down a short hall. I pass a large bathroom and I walk into a large open room. There are three large windows across one wall I can see the skyline I can see the lake it is still frozen. There is a large oak cabinet against another wall. I walk to it and I open it. There is a large television sitting on a shelf in the upper half, a mini-bar is built into the lower half. Sitting against the third wall is a giant bed. There are nightstands on both sides of the bed, there are phones on both of them. I walk to the bed and I pull the sheets down they are white and
clean and soft, I kick off my boots and I sit down on the bed and I take off my socks. I climb under the covers, put my head on a pillow, close my eyes, clutch myself clutch myself.

The bed is soft and warm.

I think about Lilly.

Miss her.

Hate that I am here without her.

She would have loved this place.

This room.

This bed.

This comfort.