My Friend Leonard (4 page)

 

T
here is sun streaming through the front window of my truck. It is bright, but it is not warm.

It is early morning and I am waiting. The bottle of rose is sitting on the seat next to me. It is still full.

I spent the night crying, staring at the bottle, smoking, cursing. I cursed God that motherfucker. I cursed myself I should have gotten here earlier. I cursed everyone I saw, I screamed at them and I cursed them. I cursed my truck it didn't do anything I cursed it anyway. I cursed the ground the sky the night. I cursed the bottle in my hand I cursed the parts of me that wanted it. I cursed them and I defied them and they cursed me and they tried to defy me. I cursed my shaking hand and my beating heart, I cursed myself, I should have known, I should have stopped her. I cursed the dime in my pocket. I cursed the potato chip bag. I cursed Lilly. I cursed Lilly how could she have done this to herself. I cursed and I cried. How could she have done this to herself.

It is early morning and I am waiting. The bottle of rose is sitting on the seat next to me and it is still full. I am going to keep it. I am going to keep it so that if I decide to use it, it will be within reach. I made it through last night, but that does not mean I will make it through today or tomorrow.

I am waiting. I am waiting for the sun to move above me. I am waiting to hear the bells ring ten. I am waiting to call my friend Leonard. He told me that if I ever needed help he would give it to me I need help now. I have no money and no job and nowhere to live. I am waiting to call Leonard. I need help now.

I start the truck. I pull out of my parking space and start driving back toward the house. If I get hold of Leonard and he helps me, I will need to be near the house. The people there will know where Lilly is and who has
taken her. I want to see her again before she is gone. I want to see her again.

I find my way back I see the house. I pull over and I park. I get out of the truck look around me. I see the flower store. I see the steeple that holds the bells. I see a park, the park is empty. I see a bank and a shoe store and a diner. I start walking toward the diner.

I open the door, step inside. It is warm and loud. It smells like bacon and eggs. There are people at every table eating, drinking coffee, talking. There is a short hall in the back of the diner I can see two bathrooms and a phone. I walk toward the phone, reach into my back pocket. I take out my wallet and I take a card from my wallet. The card has five names on it, five numbers. They all belong to Leonard.

I pick up the phone and I dial zero. I speak to an operator. I give her my name and the first number. I tell her I need to make a collect call. She puts it through, no one answers. We try the second number. No answer. We try the third, the call is denied. We try the fourth I hear Leonard answer.

Collect call from James?

Fuck yeah.

Thank you.

The operator hangs up.

My son.

What's up, Leonard?

You're out of jail and you're in Chicago. That's what's up.

Yeah, I'm here.

How is it?

Not good.

What happened?

I start to break.

I don't want to talk about it.

What's wrong?

I need your help, Leonard.

What happened?

I need help.

What do you need?

I need thirty thousand dollars.

What?

I need thirty thousand dollars, Leonard.

What the fuck is going on there?

You told me to call you if I ever needed help. I need fucking help. I need thirty grand.

Are you drinking?

No.

Getting high?

No.

What the fuck is wrong?

I start to break.

I need money.

He does not speak.

Please, Leonard.

He does not speak.

Please.

I hear him take a deep breath.

Where are you?

In a diner.

How do you want me to get it to you?

Thank you, Leonard.

You're my son. I'm going to take care of you.

Thank you, Leonard.

Now tell me how you want me to get you the money.

I give him the address of the house. He tells me that it will be there in an hour. I thank him, thank you, Leonard. He asks me if I want him to come to Chicago and I tell him no. He asks again if I'm drunk or high he wants to make sure and I tell him no. He says that though he does not need to know right now, at some point he'll want to know why I need so much money. I say fine. I thank him again and he says don't worry about it and I say thank you again and we hang up. Thank you, Leonard. Thank you. I walk out of the diner and I walk back toward my truck, toward the house. As I get closer, my heart starts beating faster. I think about what happened in the house, the images in my mind are clear. Hanging hanging hanging. I try to push the images away, but they remain, hanging hanging hanging. Every step is harder, every step is heavier. I start up the walk that leads to the door. Every step. Hanging.

I open the door step into the foyer. I want to leave, the images are clear. The same woman is sitting behind the desk. There are some red roses in a vase next to her. She looks up at me and I say hello and she says hello and she motions toward the roses and she tells me that she saved them for me. I thank her and I ask for Tom. She says he's out can I help you. There is a chair across from her I sit down. I want to leave, the images are clear. The bathroom where Lilly hung is in this house. I look at the woman and I speak.

I need some information.

 

I
keep the flowers. They were for Lilly, not for the house. I keep them in water and I will use them. They were for Lilly.

I give all of her clothing to an organization that helps the poor. She did not have much, but maybe it will help someone.

I give her books to a library. She wanted to go to college and she had been studying for the entrance exams. She had seven books, all textbooks. What little money she had was in a box beneath her bed. I give it to a homeless woman who is sitting alone on a bench. The woman tells me it is enough to get her a place in a shelter for two months. I hope that time makes a difference.

She had a plastic Superwoman watch. I always thought it was funny that she wore it. I find it on a table next to her bed. When I find it, I cry. I hold it to my heart and I cry. I keep it in my pocket.

She had a hairbrush, a toothbrush. A tube of toothpaste and a bottle of shampoo and a bar of soap. I leave everything in the bathroom.

She had a simple silver necklace. It held a platinum cross. Her Grandmother gave it to her, it was her most cherished possession. I find it on a table next to her bed. When I find it I cry. I want to give it back to her. I want to give it back.

I don't have any photographs of Lilly. I don't have any photographs of the two of us together. The only documentation I have of our relationship is a large stack of letters, some written by me, some by her. This lack of documentation has made seeing her more difficult. Tom helps me. He speaks to an assistant medical examiner, he speaks to the medical examiner. He confirms that Lilly did not have any family aside from her Grandmother, who is in the morgue with her. He confirms that I was her boyfriend, and that I am the only person who is likely to claim her body. He helps talk the Medical Examiner into letting me see her. Just once, by myself. I am going to see her.

I walk down a hallway. A bright clean sterile hallway. At the end of the hallway is a large metal door. A man is standing in front of the door. He is wearing a white lab coat and latex gloves, an air filtration mask hangs at his neck. As I approach, he says hello and I say hello and he opens the door and he gestures me inside and I walk through the door and he follows me. The door closes behind us.

I am in a large open room. Along one wall there is a bank of stainless steel cabinets. Along another are three sinks and a large stainless steel counter-top. Along the back wall there are four rows of doors, each with a handle like the handles on large refrigerators. There is a stainless steel table in the middle of the room, a halogen lamp above it, a drain below it. There is a body on the table. A body that is covered by a white sheet.

I turn to the man.

Can I be alone?

Yes.

Thank you.

He motions toward a counter near the cabinets.

There are gloves and masks over there if you want to use them.

Thank you.

He turns and he leaves. I turn back to the body. I stare at it. I am scared. My heart starts pounding, pounding to the point that it hurts. I am scared. I take a deep breath. Part of me wants to run. To get the fuck out of here, that is her body, her dead body beneath that sheet. Part of me knows that I need to do this. I have to see her. I have to see her. I have to see her.

I step forward, once twice, heart pounding. I step forward I am next to the table. I stand and I stare at the sheet she is beneath it. I place the palm of my hand in the center of the sheet. My heart is fucking pounding. I softly press so that I can feel beneath the sheet, my hand is somewhere on her stomach. I start moving it along the top of the sheet, along the contour of her body. She's beneath the sheet and I can feel her body. The body I once held, the body I loved, the body that loved me. I run my hand up the curve of her neck, over her chin. I move it to the edge of the sheet, I put my other hand with my first. My heart is fucking pounding. My hands are shaking.

I start to slowly pull the sheet. I see her hair jet black so black it is almost blue. I slowly pull I see her skin, it was pale like porcelain in life, it is pale
gray now. I slowly pull. I see her eyebrows black I see her lashes black. I see her eyes closed they were blue in life, beautiful clear deep-water blue in life, they are closed and I will leave them closed. I pull the sheet slowly her cheekbones strong and defined I pull past her nose I pull down and across her lips. Full and red they are still full. They are also quiet, calm, still, at rest. I pull the sheet down across her chin and off her face. I pull the sheet from her neck. She has a deep blue bruise around her throat. Whatever she used was thick, maybe a towel, I don't know, I don't want to think about it. I pull the sheet to her shoulders she is not wearing a shirt. I will not expose her naked flesh I will respect her in death as I respected her in life. I let go of the sheet and I set it just below her shoulders. I stare at her. She is quiet, calm, still, at rest. I love her now as I did before I love her now. In death and in life. My heart is pounding and my hand is shaking. I love her.

I stare.

I run my hands along the top of her head and through her hair.

I cry.

I feel the contours of her face.

I kiss my fingers and I press them to her lips.

I cry.

She is quiet.

Calm.

Still.

At rest.

I take her hand beneath the sheet. It is stiff and cold. I take her hand.

I am with her.

I hold her.

I love her.

She's at rest.

Cry.

 

T
hey sleep in peace.

They sleep in peace.

 

G
rieve.

I grieve alone.

Grieve.

I call my friend Kevin. Kevin is an old close friend, one of the closest friends that I have had in my life. We met at school and we lived together while we were there and he watched me as I fell apart and helped me as I started to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. He knew I was coming here, though he did not know exactly when I would arrive. He says welcome to Chicago and I say thanks and he asks me how I'm doing and I say fine and he asks me how it was he is aware of what I was doing in Ohio and I tell him it was fine. He knows about Lilly and he asks me how it's going with her and I tell him bad and he asks me what happened and I tell him I don't want to talk about it. He asks if I'm okay. I tell him I don't want to talk about it. I ask him when he'll be off work and he tells me seven and we agree to meet at his apartment.

Kevin lives on the north side of the city. His apartment is on the first floor of a four-story brownstone on a street lined with four-story brownstones. The neighborhood is full of people in their twenties working their first or second professional jobs, the streets are lined with suits and skirts and loafers. I find the building easily, park in front of it. I can see through the windows, I see a group of people smoking cigarettes and drinking. I get out of my car and I take a deep breath. I don't want to do this to see a group of people I'm nervous and scared I am used to being alone. I know I need to break the solitude to spend time among the living. I push the buzzer walk through the door into the hall he is waiting for me. He is smiling. He steps forward and he gives me a hug and he speaks.

It's good to see you, Buddy.

You too.

We separate.

Who's inside?

Some people who wanted to see you.

Who?

Come in and see.

You won't tell me?

Just come in.

I take a deep breath. I know I need to try and move forward with my life.

I step inside.

I see people I know, people I am friends with, people I am surprised to see. Adrienne and Ali. Two friends great friends, for several years we drank together and smoked together and laughed together and sometimes cried together. Erin and Courtney they were her friends, someone I was with in a different life. They were her friends and they became my friends. I don't know if they see her or speak to her and I don't care, it was a different life. David and Scott, older than me I used to drink and smoke and snort with them they are bankers now buttoned up and prim. Callie and Kim, they live with Kevin I used to sell them drugs, occasionally I used drugs with them. All of them know that I recently came out of a drug and alcohol treatment center, only Kevin knows about jail. They all seem happy to see me, they also seem scared to drink around me and smoke around me and be themselves around me. They ask me tentative questions. How are you is everything okay is it all right if I have this drink around you are you comfortable like this. I tell them I am fine. That the alcohol does not bother me, that they should be at ease. I keep a calm face and a relaxed demeanor. Inside I am not calm, this is all overwhelming. All the noise all the faces all the words. I have been alone for a long time. Alone and unsocial. This room is full of people I know and I like and who have come here to see me and it is overwhelming.

We go to a bar. All of us together we go to a bar. I shoot pool and smoke cigarettes and drink soda water. My friends shoot pool and smoke cigarettes and get drunk. As the night moves deeper I speak less and less. As the night moves deeper my friends lose the ability to speak. I do not judge them. I did what they are doing now every night for years. Got drunk and stumbled and slurred my words. I do not judge them, I am happy to see them.

We stay at the bar until it closes. We leave I say goodbye to everyone thank them for coming to see me walk back to the apartment with Kevin and Callie and Kim. They go to their rooms and they go to bed. I find some blankets in a closet and I go to the living room and I clear a space on the couch and I lie down.

I stare at the ceiling.