My Dear Stranger (44 page)

 
“How are you, Sadie?”
  “Good.  I'm good,” I reply automatically.
  “That's good.  I was going to see if everything was okay with you after I settled in.”
  “It is.  I'm fine.  I'm sorry for yesterday,” I hear myself pleading.
  “No need to be sorry, and
nothing
happened yesterday,” she says loudly enough to convince me of her loyalty.  “Just remember- punching bag.  It'll do wonders for stress and pressure.  Okay?”  And as I nod, she leans in and smells my coffee, which shocks me a little.  “And when I come over for coffee, none of this flavored crap, okay?  I need good solid black tar, preferably Columbia, because I've been living off it for years at the hospital.  Okay?”  And again I nod wordlessly.  Hugging me suddenly, Cheryl whispers, “Anytime you need a friend, call me or just knock on my door, Sadie.  I'm either at the hospital or at home.  So anytime...” she says kindly. 

 
And that's it.  Choking up, I hug her back and thank her for her kindness, as we pull apart.
  “See ya kiddo.  I miss my flower surprises,” she says to Jamie as she walks back to her home.
  And I'm okay.  I'm still a little embarrassed thinking of Cheryl seeing me physically AND emotionally naked in my garage, but she didn't seem to mind, so I'm going to try to forget it too.
  After a few tense seconds Alex wraps his arm around my shoulder and whispers, “you're doing really well, Sade,” and I exhale.  Finally able to move, I walk to Jamie on the porch who is patiently waiting to get into our home, while still talking endlessly about his trip.
  2 hours later, Jamie is bathed and in bed.  And after a quick story, he passed out immediately, even as I drag myself to my own bedroom to pass out immediately.
  After a quick shower, I brush my teeth and crawl into my bed.  I'm done, without even the energy to walk downstairs to say goodnight to Alex, but I should've known he would come to me as he always does.
  Crawling in next to me, he picks me up and over his chest as he hugs me tightly.  Bathing in his warmth, I exhale and feel myself falling.
  “Are you okay?” He asks quietly, and I nod because I
am
okay.
  And I'm free. 
  After years and years of anxiety, depression, insanity and fear, I am totally free.  I can breathe.  And I can live, finally.
  I have Alexander who has proven himself a hundred times over, and I have Jamie who loves me unconditionally.  I have a husband I love and a child I live for. 

 
I am finally alive.  And the world remains audacious.
 

*****
 

EPILOGUE

  “ALEX!!  ALEX, WAKE UP!” I scream jumping on him in a panic.  Pounding his chest, Alexander wakes by throwing me off him onto the floor in his own panic.  And after scrambling with the sheets, Alex jumps to the floor and he's almost at our bedroom door before I've stopped screaming.
  “Wait!  Wait, Alex!”
  “What the hell's happening?” He yells as his head whips around the room.  Looking around frantically, I realize he's ready to fight.  He's ready, and I've scared the hell out of him again.
  “I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to scare you.  I'm so sorry, Alex,” I cry.  “But I wrote about it.  I wrote in the other journal, so it wasn't in the same as what I thought was the beautiful journal.  It's in my hatbox!” I scream again as our room suddenly silences.
  Watching Alex, I see him try, figure out, then comprehend within seconds.  Watching Alex, I see him grasp what I'm saying, even as he tries to understand what I mean.  Watching Alex, I'm shaken to my core.
  He doesn't look right.  He doesn't look like Alex.  He doesn't look like my husband.
  “What other journal?” He asks shaking.
  “The stupid one with all the deaths and stuff.  The scrap book of dead singers, and my friend, and my teacher and those kids from Margaret Mary High.  The OTHER one!”  I yell, as I scramble off the floor and run to the spare room.
  Feeling Alex behind me, I dive under the bed.  I even bang my shoulder on the wheel post underneath, and scrap my elbow on the carpet.  Reaching, I tug out the Christmas bags I reuse, and toss aside the extra shoe boxes I don't use but have to keep for some reason.  Reaching, I'm just desperate.  Halfway under the bed I reach until finally I feel my hatbox.
  Tugging at it, I scream, “Help me!” As Alex pulls my legs back out.  Scrubbing my chin on the carpet I don't care.  He pulled me out in a millisecond and I'm still holding my hatbox tightly even as I shake. 
  I have it!
  “What's wrong, mommy?” And as I whip my head to the door, Alex grabs for Jamie.  Scooping him up, Alex looks at me like he has absolutely no fucking idea what to say to him.  Looking at me desperately, I can't help him.  I am wordless as Jamie stares at me still half asleep.
  “Nothing's wrong.  Um, I was just looking for something for months now and I finally found it.  Sorry I woke you,” I say while giving Alex the help me out here look.  And thankfully he does.
  “We're sorry for waking you but everything's fine.  Let me take you back to bed now, okay?”
  But Jamie just stares at me like he knows we're full of shit.  Jamie is looking at me like he knows we're lying to him.  Jamie looks at me like he's almost offended we're lying to him.
  “Please, baby.  Let daddy take you back to bed. 
Please..
.” And even as I hear the desperation in my voice, I know Jamie hears it, too.
  “Okay.  Goodnight.  But can I have a hug first?”
  And that's it.  I'm done.  Looking at my little boy, I'm just done.  He knows me and he knows I'm messed up and he's going to go easily, but he's going to hug me first because he knows me.
  “...yes, please,” I whisper holding in my sob as best as I can.
  As Alexander slowly releases Jamie from his hug, he looks at me like he's begging me to keep it together, and I will.  Jamie is too young for all this bullshit.  He is too young to know what a whack job his mom can be.  He's too young, and sweet, and beautiful for me to willingly damage.
  “Goodnight mommy,” he breathes into my ear as he hugs me.  And I keep it together.  For Jamie, I can do anything.
  “Let daddy take you back to bed, okay?   You have swimming tomorrow right after school so you'll be super tired in the morning.  I love you, baby.  Sleep tight.”  And as he nods against me he gives one final squeeze before pulling away from my hug.
  Walking back to Alex, who again scoops him up, I know I did good.  Jamie doesn't look freaked out anymore, and he's going back to bed without a fuss.
  “I'll be right back,” Alex says, and I know he will.
  “Take your time,” I say as Alexander stares at me a little too long.
  And once they're gone.  I know where I have to go.
  Running down the stairs as quietly as I can, I rip out the treat drawer and grab the stale pack of smokes at the back I think I left half full.  I think I have enough for this.
  Opening the garage door, I forgot the sensor and immediately the warning sound goes off, even as I dive for the main panel in between the front and garage door.
  Shaking, I punch in the code, and try to remember how to take it off the garage door to the house again.  Thinking, I try to remember how to change the sensor.  Thinking, I remember the code.
  My dad's birthday so we would all remember it.  My mom and dad, and me. We didn't pick MY birthday because that was too obvious, so we picked my dad's birthday.  0508.  May 8th.  My dad's birthday.
  And when I did change the code in my second apartment I used the year my dad was born.  I used my dad again because he paid for the security and because he was my dad.  I used his year of birth because we would all remember it.  My mom and dad.  Patrick.  Alexander.  The Hamiltons.  We all knew the code that was my dad's birthday, and then I used the year of his birth.
  My dad.
 
Our
dad.
 
Oh my god…

  “Sadie?”  Alex breathes behind me as I jump.
  “My dad was 37 when I was born, and my mom was 25 when I was born.  So my dad was May 8th, 1943.  I was born in 1980.  I was born in 1980 but that was too obvious,” I can't help but laugh.
  “I don't understand, Sade.  What does that matter?  Your mom was his second wife, so-”
  “What's our code, Alex?”
  Though I'm not looking at him, I can hear the absolute comprehension when Alex suddenly inhales.  He totally gets it.
  “I made it so easy for Him, and I didn't even know I was.  I made it soooo easy.  I gave Him the codes without giving Him the codes.  My dad's birthday, and then the year he was born.  I gave Him my dad's information, which He
always
knew.”
  And again I can't help but laugh a little.  It's so clear to me now.  Now that I know how He got to me, it's so clear to me.  I always wondered how He stood over me while I slept.  I always wondered how He could get to me, time and time again, but now I realize I gave it to Him all along.
  Crying out, I'm shocked again, and I just can't stand much more of all this shit.
  Opening the garage door, I throw myself on the floor as I rip open the hatbox and grab for the stupid journal at the bottom.
  Sensing Alex moving around the garage I can't even look at him.  I don't care what he's doing.  I don't care about anything but this stupid journal.
  And suddenly the journal is in my hands, and I feel the texture of all the glue, and the staples, and the tape.  Stretching it across my lap, I feel the bumps of folded newspapers and I remember younger Sadie.
  For months, Alexander and I have carried on.  We've been happy and we said we put the past behind us.  We've pretended like the past WAS behind us.  But it wasn't.
  We're still going through the motions of being totally sane and together.  We're pretending our lives are perfect.  We're pretending.  And I'm scared to ruin the facade.
  I don't want this to end us.
  Lighting a smoke, I take my time while smoothing the journal across my lap over and over again.  Inhaling my stale smoke is the only thing I'm capable of in this moment.  I can't open the journal, and I don't want to know what's inside.
  Why tonight?  There was NO reason.  There was nothing different about tonight.  Alex and I were normal and we went to bed normally.  We snuggled and we slept.  There was no drama, nor upset.  We didn't have sex or talk about the past.  I wasn't thinking about Him at all.  He was nowhere near me.  He didn't touch me, and He wasn't on my mind.
  “Why tonight, Alex?  Why did I remember this tonight?  Did something happen in my sleep?”
  “I don't think so...” he whispers.
  “I'm afraid of what I'm going to find.  I know it's in here, but I don't know what it says.  I really don't Alex, and I don't understand why I suddenly remembered tonight to get this journal but I can't remember what's inside it.  Why don't I remember?”
  “I don't know, Sade.  Maybe your mind is protecting you or something.  But you don't have to do this tonight, baby.  You don't have to do this ever,” Alex begs while taking my hand.
  “But I should.”
  “Why?”
  “I don't know.  Don't YOU want to know?  Doesn't it bother you knowing I might have killed someone?  Doesn't that matter?” I ask turning to look straight at Alexander.  Begging, I need to know if I'm going to change everything with this.
  “No.  It really doesn't matter to me.  One way or the other, He was bad, Sadie.  He hurt you for years, and I think He may have hurt you again.  I think whatever happened is in the past and we should keep it there.  Finding this changes nothing.  I won't feel any differently towards you, no matter what happened.”
  “But what if I still wanted Him?” I whisper.  “What if I was willingly with Him?  Will you feel differently about me then?”
  “No, I don't think so.  I think you're finally over whatever hold He had on you, and I won't feel any differently about you because of something you might have done almost 6 years ago.  I love you, and I honestly don't think this will change anything for me.”
  “Do you want to read it with me?  Should I read it first?  What should I do?” I start to panic quickly.  I can feel the panic, and even hear it in my voice.  My panic feels almost tangible. 
  “Sadie, you DON'T have to do this at all.  I don't care,” Alex says wrapping an arm around my shoulder.  And then I'm warm. 
  Suddenly, completely warm, I open the stupid journal of my melodramatic youth and find the pages near the back.  And it’s so obviously which pages they are, I nearly laugh.  They have no glue or tape, and my words are written in a beautiful script all alone among pages of scraps and newspaper clippings.
  Opening the pages wide, I am warmed by Alex, and everything else fades away...
  Yesterday the stranger came to me.  Yesterday he came for me.  Yesterday, he came to claim me.
  Waking from a light rest, I heard his voice in my dreams.  Waking from an afternoon nap, I heard his voice all over my home.  Waking from my rest, I was startled to hear his voice surrounding me.
  So jumping, I ran to the sound overhead.  Jumping up, I ran to him.  Jumping, I ran to the sound that had haunted me for years.
  And that’s when my world ended.
  Lying on the floor, he held my baby asleep in his arms.  Holding my baby, he didn’t even see me.  Holding my baby tightly in his arms, my stranger was a nightmare to me.
  So I watched in my horrified silence.
  I watched him cuddle my baby to his chest.  I watched him sing a beautiful song of love to my son.  I watched him sing the lullaby of my childhood.  I watched him love my son.
  And then he saw me.
  Dropping my baby from his arms, he stood as my baby screamed out for me.  Looking at my son I tried to see if he was hurt.  I tried to see pain or injury on his face, but thankfully all I saw were the tears of a one year old being startled.
  And that's when I knew.  I knew what I had to do.  I knew I had to get him away from my baby.  I knew I had to save my son.
  Running away from my baby's screams, I took the stairs as fast as I could until I was tackled and twisted as I fell.  Fighting, I tried.  Screaming, I tried.  Fighting, I tried... but I lost again.
  When he punched my stomach hard I knew I was dead.  Gasping for breath became my sole focus.  Gasping for air to aid me became my life and death in that moment.
    And then the stranger spoke.  In a voice filled with such misery and confusion, he spoke the words that ended my life.  He spoke and his calm voice broke me.  He said the words, and I knew.
  “You were born for me to love… ”