My Dear Stranger (41 page)

 
When Alexander moves slowly toward me I shake my head no, but he continues anyway.  Walking with his hands outstretched, he slowly kneels on the bed beside me.
  “Sadie?” He whispers.
  “I didn't know...”
  “You DID know.”
  Shaking my head frantically, I know I didn't know.  “I didn't know....” I whisper again.
  “I think you
did
know Sadie, but you didn't know what to do about it.  He raped you when you were a tiny little 17 year old and he was a 31 year old man, so I think you chose to make it beautiful so you could deal with it.  You chose to make it love instead of a nightmare.  I know you knew Sadie, you just couldn't handle it, I don't think.”
  “I didn't know...”
  “You DID know, baby.  But I think you chose to pretend you didn't know.”
  “I didn't know...” I moan.
  “Fuck, Sadie!  Think about it.  How didn’t you know?  After I'd been to your parent's house once I saw His picture and I knew for sure.  I saw the picture your dad had of Him in your house.  Granted there was only one grad picture, but it was His picture, and it was right there in their living room.  I didn't know who he was when I saw you two screwing, but I knew by the time He came back and hurt you before our wedding night.  You
knew,
baby.”
  “I didn't know...” I mumble shaking my head.
  “You knew.  And by the time we were together, I knew who it was, but it looked like you had sent Him away that night before we were officially together, so I chose to ignore it.  I convinced myself that whatever was going on between you two was over.  Whatever sick fucking thing was between you both was totally over that summer, so I ignored it.  I loved you and you looked like you said goodbye to Him, so I waited for you to come back to me.  I waited until school was starting up again and I couldn't wait any longer, and then I called you again to make our walking dates.  I thought it was over between you two, so I chose to ignore how disgusting it was.  I ignored it and pretended I didn't know what had been going on in your life, Sadie, even though I didn’t know who he was yet.  But you always knew,” Alex says again.  But he's wrong.
 

 
Pulling at my hair, I find comfort in rocking back and forth.  I know I didn't know.  I
know
it.  How could I?  I never really knew Him.  I met Him twice when I was little and my Dad was trying to stay close to Him after the divorce, but that’s it.  He was before mom and me.  He was part of my Dad's before us life.  He wasn't part of my Dad's after us life.  I didn't know.
 

 
Suddenly jumping in my own skin I remember the first time He came to me.
 

 
He hums to me a lullaby as I slip into a comforting trance of early childhood.  This lullaby is familiar, yet I can't place it.
 

Together we were alive.  Together we were born for each other.
 
Oh my god...
 

 
“I didn't know...” I cry out.
  When Alex suddenly grabs my arms and pulls me to him I can't help but collapse onto him.  Holding tightly to his shirt, I keen a cry of repulsion.
  “I didn't know... I didn't know... I didn't know...” I rock.
  “Sadie!  Stop.  It's over.”
  “I didn't know... I didn't know...”
  I think Alexander is speaking but all I hear is an ocean sound of one thought only.  Crashing into my brain like waves...
I didn't know.  I didn't know.  I didn't know.
  “SADIE!!  Enough, baby.  It's over.  You didn't know, okay?  I believe you.  I believe you didn't know, okay?  Stop!”  And I do.  Alex believes me, so I can stop talking now.
 

 
But I can't stop thinking.  I was 16 when He came to me.  I was 17 when He fucked me.  I was 22 when He impregnated me.  Oh. My. God!
  Suddenly gasping and gagging on our bed I think of that baby.  That baby was going to be His.  It would be His and I would have had a lifetime with a child of
His
.
 

 
“Sade!  What is it?”
  “That baby...” I croak.
  “I know.  But it's over, honey.  The baby didn't happen, and you're so much better now.  We have Jamie now.  It's over.”
 

 
Quickly standing, I just have to get away from Alex for a minute.  I have to.  It's not his fault, but I'm so disgusted and shocked and freaked out I don't even know what to do with myself.  Actually, I know exactly what I want to do to myself, but I can't.  And I won't.  And Alexander shouldn't have to suffer through any more of my crazy because I can't handle all this pressure weighing me back down.  Alex shouldn't suffer any more with me.
 

 
“You have to leave me.  I'm disgusting,” I cry.
  “That's never going to happen, Sadie.  That was all before us and it's over now,” Alex says angrily.

 
“You have to leave me.  You have to take Jamie away from me,” I moan desperately.
 

 
Walking to my closet as Alex calls to me from the bed, I ignore him as I pull out my warmest jogging suit and dress myself.  Pulling out a huge sweater I place it over top my hoodie.  Grabbing my first Christmas present from Alexander I pull over the huge XXXL sweater he gave me.  Walking to my drawers, I pull out 2 pair of wool socks and walk back to my bed to dress, even as Alexander keeps talking to me.
  But I feel dead.  I'm the old Zombie Sadie.  I am lifeless with this reality.

  Wh
en Alex pulls at my arms as I sit, I fight him.  I don’t want him to hold me, or warm me, or even love me anymore.
  “Please Alex, understand. I need to have a smoke, and I need to understand what's going on.  I need this.”
  “Okay, I'll come with you.  I don't mind,” he says scrambling for more clothes.  But I can't even acknowledge this kindness of Alexander's because I feel nothing but the shock of my reality crushing me.
 

 
My Dear Stranger.
  David Adams. 
  My half-brother.

CHAPTER 35

 
Walking past my quiet kitchen and living room I walk directly to the security panel because I need to make sure we’re safe.  I have to be sure because I need us to be safe again.
  Entering the garage, I hear the beep of the door and I know the rest of our house is still armed. I know we're safe inside again.  I know we’re safe right now.
  Sitting in my lounge chair, Alex follows me almost immediately while pulling on his winter coat.  Not even pretending he doesn't know what I'm doing, Alex leans down and picks up my smokes and hands them over to me.
  Lighting a smoke in silence, I see Alex grab another chair as he props it up right beside me.  I see him with me, but I can't even acknowledge him. 

 
“Alexander?  If the start of a relationship is forced but the situation of the force changes, is the relationship still tainted forever?”
  “I think so,” he answers immediately.
  “But if I thought I loved Him, does that make the relationship change?”
  “I don't know.  Maybe you just changed the relationship in your mind so you could deal with it.  Maybe it was just a coping mechanism, or something.  You could always talk to a Psychiatrist, or a counsellor about it.  Maybe you could get the answers you need with some counselling,” Alex says softly.
  But I don't think so.  I don't think I told Dr. Synode who He was because I don't think I really knew, but he was already judgmental about my 'unconventional' relationship without even knowing who He really was to me.  I don't think a different Psychiatrist will feel any differently, and then I'll never get an objective answer to my question.
  “My father knew?”
  “Yes.  And after some convincing he called David and I left it with him.  Your father told me we would never see him again.  Your father was absolutely sickened and distraught by what I told him.  He felt guilt and shame, and I know he was almost murderous with his rage.  And just before he phoned Him, he asked me to keep this between us.  He told me he would make it so He never saw you again, and he would deal with it totally.  He wasn't sure if he even wanted your mother to know, but I don't know if he did or didn't eventually tell her.  He-”
  “Oh, god... No, he wouldn’t.  How could he?  No, she would have freaked out, right?”
  “Well, as I said, I didn't know if he would or wouldn't tell her, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.  I needed to get back to you, and I needed to be with you.  I felt differently about the pre-wedding night stuff after I read what you chose to do for Jamie's sake.  I read how you only gave into Him to protect my baby.  I read how you thought of me instead of Him during the act, so I realized you really did believe it was me with you the night before, because you couldn’t face being with Him anymore.  And I needed to get to you because I loved you and I was so devastated by what happened to you.  So after your dad assured me this would be dealt with I returned to the hotel to take care of you.”
  “And I was a mess.  Again,” I admit calmly.
  “Yes.  But with reason, Sadie.  I think that's why I've always stuck around.  You always had a reason to be messed up.  It wasn't like you were just some psycho who couldn't deal with life. You were a woman struggling to deal with her
horrible
life.  And somehow that made every freak out or
mistake
as you called them tolerable.  I never resented your freak outs because I knew you were trying desperately to deal with so much.  I was just angry at what you
did
when you freaked out.”
  “Does anyone else know?”
  “I doubt it.  I'm pretty sure your father wouldn't have told anyone else, and
I
sure as hell didn't.  And I don't know who else knew about it.  I know Patrick thought you were delusional, even after everything he did see, maybe because he didn't see David ever.  I don't-”
  “Don't ever say His name again.  Like
EVER,
Alexander,” I speak through my exhale, and I realize this is by far the most calming cigarette I've ever had in my life.
  “Sorry, Sade.  I'll never-” 
  “Is there anything else, Alexander?”
  “No,” he says way too quickly.  And again I know he's lying. 

 
Will this weekend never end? It's like 6:00 in the morning on Tuesday and it's not over yet.  There's more.  Alexander is still holding back, and he's still lying to me about it.
  “Don't talk, Alexander.  If you're going to sit with me I want silence while I think,” I say kind of bitchy to him. And maybe surprised by my sudden hostility, he simply nods and looks down at his hands.
  Think!
  What did Alex say to me?  What was it he said?
  Reaching for my blue Asian silk journal, I hold it tightly in my hands.  I know Alexander stiffened beside me when I picked it up, but I don't care.  It’s my journal and I can hold it if I want to.
  Feeling the silken thread beneath my fingers, I'm again reminded of my youth.  I remember always rubbing the cover after His visits when I would write about our night together.  I remember holding my journal as I cried for Him to come back to me.  I remember crying on my journal when He would leave me.  I remember crying, all the time.
 

 
But I never cry anymore.  I don't have to.  Everything is good and safe now.  Everything is as it should be.  Everything is as I always wanted it to be.
  “What if He comes back again?” I choke out.  I feel so scared suddenly by that reality, I shake uncontrollably.
  “He's never coming back, Sade.”
  “How do you know?  He
always
comes back.”
  “He's not,” Alex says taking my hand.
  “But what if He does?  Will you hate me forever?  I can't seem to get Him to leave me alone.  I can't seem to be without Him.  He's just always waiting in the background for me,” I admit crying.
  “He's not coming back, Sadie.  Ever,” Alexander says with a complete confidence I don't have.
  “But He-”
  “
NEVER
, Sadie.”
  Crying, I look at Alexander and the confusion swamps me again.  I know he knows more.  I can tell there is more to this- again.
  Crying, I am exhausted from all this.  This has been the longest weekend of my life, and I can't make it stop.
  What did he say?  What did Alexander say to me?