My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (36 page)

Jen and I play some games and do some puzzles with Harley for a while. Then, somehow, Malcolm convinces us to give the Mongolian Barbecue another try. So Mitch, Jay, Jen and I head over to the Mongolie Grill on Broadway and chow down.

Afterwards, Jen wants to head back to the hotel to pack Harley’s stuff, as well as some bags she wants Gail and Byron to take back ahead of us. We drop the wife at the hotel and the three boys head over to the Edgewater Casino, next to BC Place.

The poker list is pretty long, so we throw our names down and busy ourselves with other games. I turn $100 into $200 on blackjack, before joining Malcolm and Jay on a Caribbean Stud table. Then, our names are called, and we slowly filter onto the poker table.

I play for an hour and cash out with the same hundred I bought in with. I’m not feeling poker today, and would rather rock some blackjack. So while Mewes continues to play poker, I hit the blackjack table and turn $100 into $1200 before we all leave.

We get home, and Jen’s dinner/karaoke plans with Julie Plec have fallen through. So I take her out to eat downstairs in the hotel restaurant, along with Harley, Malcolm and Mewes.

When we’re done with dinner, we hand Harley over to Byron and Gail, and the four of us opt to hit Brandi’s, the high-class strip club a few blocks away. I take a shower, get dressed, and cab it with the other three horn-dogs down the street.

At the door, we’re greeted by the DJ — a guy named Jon. Apparently, Jon was at the Q&A last weekend, so he ushers us in without the requisite cover charge.

The manager seats us at a nice corner table in the VIP section, and we order some drinks and kick back just in time to see this dancer in a Spider-Man costume do an elaborate routine to a
Spider-Man
remix, spinning around the poles like the living incarnation of the WebSlinger and holding herself aloft upside down with feet wrapped around a pull-up bar suspended from the ceiling in inhuman positions that’d make Todd McFarlane proud.

When Spider-Girl’s done, she joins us at our table, and Mewes is all over her. At this point, we opt to take the party to the back of the joint, into the private rooms. Malcolm, Jay, Jen and I recruit (or are recruited by) Spider-Girl and she brings another dancer along for what’s presumably gonna be a girl-on-girl show.

The four of us last in the room only a matter of minutes before the lap dances start piling up around Jen, and she chases the boys off, leaving just her, I, and the dancers back there. Adult situations ensue.

We close the joint down at two in the morning, and catch a cab back to the hotel, where the randy Schwalbach and I head to the bedroom to fuck our brains out for fifteen minutes. Following that, Jen has a cheese platter while I have a bowl of cereal. We both fall asleep to
The Talented Mr. Ripley
.

Wednesday 13 July 2005 @ 2:20 a.m.

Up at 5 a.m. to head out to Maple Ridge, to finish the Disco Midge stuff that the weather’s put off for weeks now. After the wake up call, I lay down for another five minutes, which suddenly turns into an hour. I spring out of bed, zero time for a shower, and drag Malcolm and Mewes out with me at 6 a.m.

I call Karen to talk us through the directions, as the driver I was supposed to follow has long-since left for the location with Sam.

I get to set an hour late, but it’s cool, as they’re nowhere near shooting me yet. I have zero dialogue today, and work solely as a member of a crowd gathered at a memorial.

I immediately head to Forest for a hair washing, and Mewes follows suit. Afterwards, Deb does my makeup, and I head back to the trailer to get into costume. Malcolm’s already out cold on the couch, and Mewes has wandered up to the set to find coffee.

I work most of the morning, either on or off camera, up ‘til right before lunch, when it starts raining. At that point I head back to the trailer to crash on the pull out couch, watching
Runaway Jury
. Mewes has taken up residence in the bedroom, out cold. Malcolm heads for some lunch and brings back steak and potatoes, which I pick at ‘til I fall asleep.

I wake up three hours later, still not having been called back to set to shoot. Mewes continues sawing logs in the trailer bedroom, so Malcolm and I head outside to smoke and get an idea of what’s what with the day’s schedule, and ask Lori to see if Juliette is done with my
Chappelle’s Show
season two box set yet.

It’s a day of Garner proxies for me, as Malcolm and I run into Garner’s stunt double Shauna, who was also Shannon Elizabeth’s stunt double in
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
(she’s the one who did the flips down the Diamond Exchange hallway). We chit-chat a bit, at the end of which Shauna offers “God, that was such a fun show to work on.” Immediately, the wheels start turning, and I’m thinking “It’d be nice to make another Jay and Bob-only flick...”

I also have my first conversation with Nancy, Garner’s stand-in, who, it turns out, is also from Jersey: the Morristown area, to be precise. We do the “What exit?” thing, as well as nail down which malls we frequented, until I head back to the trailer.

Bored, Malcolm and I grab the car and head down the road to McDonald’s. Part of the deal in letting me go was that I pick up a Big Mac for A.D. Dave, so while in line, I figure maybe more of the crew are hungry. I order twenty large fries and twenty cheeseburgers, as well as six chicken McNuggets and a shake for me. While we wait for our bulky order, Malcolm and I rub off some
Star Wars
instant win tickets at the adjoining convenience store, winning two free tickets in the process.

We head back to the set and distribute the burgers and fries to a very thankful crew. Afterwards, we hit the trailer, where the
Chappelle’s Show
has turned up. We wake Mewes so he can chow down on some Mickey D’s, and the three of us watch highlights of
Chappelle
, including the Charlie Murphy stories on the bonus disc. Of everything Malcolm and I show Mewes, the one line that really captures his imagination (and has quickly become his new catch-phrase) is from the ‘Three Daves’ sketch, in which Chappelle yells at his Nick Cannon-loving son “I’m broke, nigga! I’m broke!”

Jen calls, and she’s feeling super-depressed. Byron, Gail, and Harley have left for the airport to head back to LA, and Jen gets some big time separation anxiety when she’s away from Quinnster. I talk her off the emotional ledge, and assure her she’s an excellent mom, and take her mind off the Harley-lessness of it all by detailing how difficult it is for a fat guy to take a beer shit in a two-by-two trailer bathroom stall.

Soon after, I’m called back to set to shoot the last piece of the day: a high wide. The moment that’s done, I rush back to hair and makeup, get my shit removed, hit the trailer, get out of costume, and jump in the car with the boys.

On the way home, we roll up on Tim Horton’s for some donuts, which we throw back while bullshitting and rocking out to the iPod.

We get back to the hotel, and the mischief begins. Still randy from last night’s strip club outing, Jen and I decide to hire-in a girl-on-girl show for the boys, the returning Chay, and us. Malcolm’s always the event planner for stuff like this, and he locates an outcall service and hooks up our reservation.

Chay arrives, and Jen and her throw back some wine while I sit on the deck and talk to Malcolm, smoking. Mewes has taken up residence in Byron and Gail’s now-abandoned apartment, and he’s playing some
FullTilt.com
online poker, waiting for the chicks to arrive.

The chicks get there and Malcolm meets them in the lobby and brings them upstairs. They’re really sweet and ready to get down to business, so they lay out what they refer to as their Stag Party itinerary: five songs worth of lap dances and sex show, followed by two mysterious sounding “door prizes”.

Adult situations ensue.

An hour and change later, the girls are off, well paid and tipped galore. Jen, Chay, Jay, Malcolm and I sit around and do a post-game on the evening’s events, until Schwalbach and I head back to the room for round two of some hardcore fucking, after which we snack out, and watch
Owning Mahowny
. Jen falls asleep, but inspired by the gambling flick, I jump onto
UltimateBet.com
and play poker.

At first, I’m on fire, starting out with $100 and working it up to $800. Then, I slowly start donking out, falling asleep mid-hands, playing bad cards, etc. Around five in the morning, I move from the $1/$2 No Limit table to the $5/$10 No Limit table instead. There, the pots are huge, and your stacks go up and down pretty quickly. I turn $100 into $500 in ten minutes, then jump to $700.

I’m dealt an ace and jack of spades, so I call the seventy-five bucks someone’s already juiced the pot up to, pre-flop. The flop reveals a king of spades, a king of hearts, and a ten of spades. I’m one spade away from a flush, and one queen of spades away from that insanely rare royal flush, so I bet two hundred. Three others call, and then some chip-rich big dick throws down a two thousand dollar bet, essentially putting me all-in. There are two cards left to go, so I opt to go for it. Everyone else drops out, making it a heads-up game.

Then, a five of diamonds and a two of hearts falls.

Naturally, the dude’s got trip kings.

I close my laptop, a super-donk, crawl into bed beside Jen, and go to sleep.

Thursday 14 July 2005 @ 2:21 a.m.

I wake up near noon, quickly grab a shower, then head to North Van with Malcolm in tow, over an hour late. After I get my hair and makeup done, Mewes and Chay show up at the set, having packed up all Ben’s stuff to send back home. Malcolm goes with Chay to the stage, and Mewes comes with me to the house exterior location where Sam and I take some stills with a photographer friend of Susannah’s that she brought in for some flick-specific shots.

Between shots, I offer Sam Gail and Bryon’s apartment for the night, since they’re not coming back again, and we’ve got the place ‘til the 19th. He’s down for it, so I tell him I’ll leave the key in his name at the desk.

The stills finished, Mewes and I head back to the hotel, where Jen’s packed ten bags to bring home with us. We shoot over to the airport and hit the check-in desk, where Malcolm secures a first class seat for an additional fifty bucks.

In the airport, I buy another Gameboy Advance and a Tetris cartridge, so I have something to do on the flight home. Once we’re up in the air, I get tired and feel like laying down, so I head into the nearly-empty coach cabin of the plane and sack out on the floor in an empty row, listening to ‘Freak Me’ over and over, ‘til we land in LA.

Byron and Jimmy pick us up in Byron’s Expedition and Jen’s Range Rover. They take all the luggage in the Expedition, and I take all the passengers in the Range, first dropping Chay off in Beverly Hills, then dropping Mewes off at his friend’s house in Hollywood.

Malcolm, Jen and I head back to the house as Mitch’s bag is missing, and we’re hoping it got loaded into the Expedition (thankfully, it did). We get into the house to see Bob Hawk chillin’ in the office checking his email. Bob’s in town for Outfest, but whenever he’s in LA, he stays at my place. He’d taken up residence
in Harley’s room ‘til Harley came home the day before and booted him out. Now, he’s on a floor mattress in the library.

Harley greets us, wide awake even though it’s midnight. Jen insists we bring her along on the ride to drop off Malcolm in Silverlake. We get a few blocks from the house, and Jen’s feeling hungry, so we stop at In-N-Out. While waiting in the drive thru line, Harley starts to fall asleep in the back seat, so Jen asks to be taken home, post In-N-Out. I’m feeling tired too, so the decision is made to have Malcolm sleep upstairs on the couch instead of being driven home.

Jen puts Harley to bed, and I climb into my woobs, pulling out some cereal I’d left behind on the last trip home. I down a few bowls, and while Jenny unpacks her bags, I fall asleep to TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Friday 15 July 2005 @ 2:22 a.m.

I wake up, take the morning dump, and check email until Jen joins the land of the living. I tell her I’m gonna take Quinnster to see
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
and jump in the shower. Jen gets Harley dressed, and we’re off on a Daddy/Daughter date.

We catch the flick at the Chinese, and it’s pretty full for a 10:30 a.m. show. The flick starts out strong, but then doesn’t live up to the original version — an opinion Harley doesn’t agree with as, at the close of the flick, she states “I like this better than the other one.” Fucking kids; no respect for history.

We decide to make a DVD run, so Harley and I head over to Century City. En route, Jen and I get into a tiff on the phone, regarding Bob, and we hang up angry. Harley’s gotta take a leak, so we swing by the Secret Stash to use the shitter.

We head down Westwood and stop at Poquito Mas for some burrito action, during which, Jen and I reconcile, via the phone. Post-Poquito, Harley and I grab some Baskin Robbins, then shoot over to Laser Blazer, where I pick up two weeks worth of DVDs and chit-chat with Ron a bit.

We get home to discover a box from Toronto: my man Jimmy Jackman has sent me the first five episodes of the forthcoming season of
Degrassi: The Next Generation
. I throw on my woobs, and while Jen plays with Harley, I bury myself in the bedroom, closing the curtains to block out the blinding LA sun, glued to the TV and all that
Degrassi
goodness.

Jen was planning to have Trish over tonight, but she suddenly feels run down and wants to stay in and do nothing instead. Byron and Gail leave with Jimmy for Big Bear, taking the Quinnster with them, so we’ve got the house to ourselves. It doesn’t do us much good, as Jen’s getting feverish, exhibiting flu-like symptoms.

Bryan Johnson comes by to drop Mulder off and we head upstairs to bullshit, so as not to disturb the suddenly sick Schwalbach. Bry and I chit-chat for an hour, firming up our Comic-Con plans for tomorrow, before I excuse myself to take care of Jen.

I get back to the room and Jen’s feeling far worse. So I shoot over to Bristol to get her some soup, and then to Rite Aid, to get her some fever reducers and sundry sleeping aids.