My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (35 page)

Mewes, on the other hand, gets dealt two straights in a row, and takes down a pair of massive pots. The Pit Boss tells us that seats at the $1/$2 No Limit table have opened up, so we high-tail it over there, and play for a few hours.

Around five in the morning, I’m not doing so hot, so I head downstairs to play some blackjack, to see if I can win back some of my poker losses. For a while, I’m up. Then, as this is a casino, I’m down again. I hit the ATM twice, and keep giving it all back to the River Rock. I climb back upstairs to grab Mewes, as it’s time to hit the radio show. I drag him, kicking and screaming, from the poker table. He’s up about six hundred bucks, and I’m down more than that.

We head to Z 95.3 and jump on-air with Nat and Drew. For the next three and a half hours, I chat it up with the hosts of the morning show, while Mewes sleeps in the lobby, hand down his pants.

When the show’s over, I collect Mewes, and we head back to the River Rock. I start donking at the poker table again, so I slip down to the blackjack table. I grab five hundred bucks from the ATM and head back to the twenty-five dollar table to play a couple hands. The dealer’s about to give me all green chips, but I ask him for five black chips instead. Rather than feed it back to the casino slowly, I’m gonna play five simultaneous hands of a hundred each.

The first card out is a king. The second hand gets an eight, the third a four. The future’s looking dark. Then, the Pit Boss comes over to remind the dealer that he didn’t burn the top card. The Pit Boss is saying he’s gotta take my king away and burn it, and move the eight and the four down to my first two hands. He’s saying it’s casino policy to burn the first card, and I’m saying “I know, but he already started dealing, and now you want to take away my one strong hand of the three he’s started dealing. This is your error, not mine.” In the end, the Pit Boss agrees to wipe the three partially dealt hands and burn the king. I start out fresh again, and I’m dealt face cards on all five hands, with a five up for the dealer. Then, he paints two of the hands with aces, giving me a pair of blackjacks, and couples the rest up with faces and nines. I stay on everything, but it doesn’t matter, as the dealer goes bust, and I immediately double-up and then some, thanks to the blackjacks. I tip the dealer fifty bucks, head up to the poker room to collect Mewes, and head to the airport to pick up Malcolm, who’s flying in today.

After a few laps ‘round the terminals, we finally find the Malker, and head back to the hotel. Jen’s already called to tell me she wants to go to lunch and then take Harley glow-bowling, so even though I haven’t slept in thirty-six hours, I do my master’s bidding. I call up to the room as I’m pulling up to the hotel, and Chay and Jen meet us downstairs. They get in the Hate Tank, and we’re all off to Capone’s for some lunch.

The food’s great as usual, though I start falling asleep at the table. Then, I’m woken up by a bad blast of acid reflex, which sends bile as far up as the top of my throat, the lion’s share of it landing in and around my epiglottis. The acid’s burning my shit something fierce, and I’m downing water like a madman, to no avail (as we learned in
Fight Club
, water just spreads acid around; you’ve gotta neutralize the burn). Malcolm runs to get me Rolaids, but I remember I’ve got a bottle of Tums in the car, which Mewes runs to grab. I down five, and then we stop at a 7-11, where Mewes grabs me some milk. By the time we get to the Varsity Ridge Bowling Alley, the throat crisis is over.

We slip the attendant a hundred bucks to open up the glow-bowling earlier than usual for our little party, and grab two lanes, playing boys against girls: Jen, Chay and Harley vs. Jay, Malcolm and me. The boys win round one, and the girls take round two. Maybe it’s the beats or the atmosphere, or the day-glo dark room, but Schwalbach and I get into some heavy high school flirting, that leads into some even heavier high school petting. I’ve got my hand down her skirt, she’s grabbing my dick through my shorts; we just can’t keep our hands off one another. We adjourn to a dark stairwell in the bowling alley that leads to an emergency exit. We’re completely out of sight, so while Chay, Jay and Malcolm bowl with Harley, Jen lifts her skirt and I eat her out a little bit, before it’s our turn to bowl. We make plans to meet at the stairwell again to fuck after the next frame. But lo and behold, Harley gets clingy, and won’t let us steal away. So we all wrap up bowling and head back to the hotel.

Malcolm, bless his heart, takes Harley swimming, and Mewes and Chay putter around the living room, leaving Schwalbach and I alone in our bedroom, where we get into some heavy-duty fucking. Jen’s still tipsy from lunch, and we’re both still ravenously horny from the bowling alley. I’m face down in her ass for a few minutes before she climbs on top and fucks the shit out of me. Afterwards, we lay around cuddling for a few minutes, until we decide to wash up, get dressed, and rejoin our friends. I chit-chat with Jay, Chay and Jen for a few minutes, then lay down on the bed and play some Ultimate Bet, during which I fall asleep.

I wake up five hours later. It’s about ten-ish, and Jen’s going downstairs with Malcolm and Chay to meet this guy Chay’s interested in. I’m barely awake, so I fall back asleep, waking up a half hour later to an empty room, except for Mewes, who’s sleeping in his corner of the apartment. Feeling hungry, I grab some All Bran cereal and kick back with some
Glengarry Glen Ross
, half cognizantly playing poker at the same time. Jen returns, more than half-in-the-bag, so I get her into her pjs and lay down with her ‘til she falls asleep, then continue playing UB and watching
Glengarry
‘til I do the same.

Saturday 9 July 2005 @ 2:15 p.m.

I get up and play some Ultimate Bet while taking the customary morning shit. I hang out in the living room with Malcolm and Mewes, until Jen and Chay get up. I pick on Jen for being so blitzed last night, and then Malcolm and I decide to hit the Mongolian Barbecue joint on Broadway. Jen and Chay opt out, but Mewes opts in. I’m feeling a little stiff in the shoulders, so I make a massage appointment for three at Vida.

I take a shower, lounge with Jen for a bit, then get dressed and head to the Mongolian joint with the boys. I haven’t had Mongolian in at least a year, so it’s a real treat (though the chicken is cut a little too thick for my tastes). I load my bowl up with noodles, chicken, House Sauce, and a ton of garlic, opting for two servings.

When we’re done, we head to Vida, where Jay and Malcolm opt for massages too. Malcolm’s nervous, as he’s never gotten a massage, and wants to know what the protocol is if he has to fart. I tell him it’s never a problem.

But while I’m on the massage table, I’m proven wrong — as the Mongolian is doing weird things in my guts. My muscles are being relaxed by the massage, so it takes all the strength I can muster to clench that gas back, until the masseuse leaves the room, and I blow the first of what will be a mighty legion of farts throughout the rest of the day.

We head back to the hotel. Jen, Chay and Gail are heading down to the Vogue to start processing the ticket holders. They take Malcolm with them, and Mewes and I hang out on the bed, playing online poker: Mewes at
FullTilt.com
and me at
UltimateBet.com
. As we play, I continue farting up a storm, and as the fan is to my left, it blows the noxious fumes directly into Mewes’s face to my right. We giggle up a storm, as farts — at any age — are still funny. Then, it’s time to head to the Vogue.

Byron, Harley, Mewes and I jump in the hotel car and get dropped off at the back door to the Vogue around seven. Jen and the crew are still processing ticket holders up front, so Mewes and I chill in the back alley, grabbing a smoke. Harley’s supposed to intro me, but she’s feeling nervous and wants Jen. Brian, the theater guy, gets Jen, who joins us backstage, letting us know that they’ve sold a number of tickets to walk-ups, thus selling out the house.

Harley gets too nervous to do the intro, so Malcolm goes out instead, and then I bring Quinnster on stage with me to wave to the crowd before I get into the Q&A in earnest.

The show goes well, and I wrap it up around one. The crew heads back to the hotel, where we sit up, snacking out and doing Mad-Libs with Mewes. Around three thirty, I finally crash beside Jen, curling up to
Glengarry Glen Ross
again.

Sunday 10 July 2005 @ 2:19 p.m.

I get up at 5:45 a.m., after two hours of sleep, to take Chay to the airport. Mewes wants to take the ride, too, so that we can hit the River Rock on the way home. We load Chay and her gear into the Hate Tank and head out to the airport.

Jay brings Chay in to ticketing while I wait outside. They emerge five minutes later to say the airline’s closed out Chay’s flight. Apparently, the Passport Control line is so long, there’s no way she’d make her flight. This is bad, as Chay’s heading back to LA to run her sister’s bridal shower this afternoon. I go inside with Chay to see if Air Canada has any availabilities, but after some back-and-forth with them, they can’t help us. Finally, we located an eight o’clock WestJet flight, I throw down the credit card, and Chay jumps into the long-ass security line. I give her a hug, and Mewes and I are off to the Casino.

We both start off on the $4/$8 Limit table. After a few hands, Mewes moves over to the $1/$2 No Limit table, but I stay where I am. I dig my table today: it’s a trio of fifty-something guys, a younger Asian dude who takes the game seriously, but is chatty and friendly, a fan, and me. When the fan goes bust, an Indian filmmaker joins us, and we talk shop for a bit. He goes bust, and an old timer who’s trying casino poker out for the first time joins us, dumping his hundred pretty quickly. Jen calls to say she’s awake, so I excuse myself (a hundred bucks up), collect Mewes (three hundred down), and head back to the hotel.

In the room, we all chill with Harley, playing Uno and doing puzzles. Malcolm makes a run to IGA for junk food, then takes Harley swimming while Jen and I watch the Mosier cut of Malcolm’s documentary,
Small Town/Gay Bar
(which is just flat-out great). When Malcolm gets back from swimming with Harley, we chit-chat about showing the doc to Bob Hawk and submitting to Sundance.

Then, I lay on the bed and play UB while Harley watches TV in the living room, Mewes sleeps, Malcolm goes online, and Jen cleans up the apartment.

An hour or so later, we opt to take a run to Whole Foods over in West Vancouver. I pick up a bunch of Italian sausage for the week, and then we head back to the hotel, where Gail cooks some up. I get into my woobs, and Jen, Harley, Malcolm, the now-awake Mewes and I chow down. Afterwards, I lay down on the bed, updating my online diary as Jen lays beside me, reading
Specimen Days
. I fall asleep, mid-update, around 9 p.m.

Monday 11 July 2005 @ 2:17 a.m.

I call Karen to see if I have enough time to catch a flick before my two o’clock call time. She confirms that I can hit a movie, so long as I motor over to the stage the moment it lets out. Based on that info, I throw back a pair of Italian sausages, and Malcolm, Mewes and I hit the Paramount to see
Fantastic Four
.

Mewes and Malcolm come with me to the stage, where Mewes flirts relentlessly with Forest in the vanities trailer. Angela does my makeup, and I head back to the trailer, where Malcolm and Mewes are watching the
Evening With 2
tapes. I ask if we can swap
Evening 2
out with the latest cut of the new
Mallrats
doc, so I can let the good folks at Universal know that we’re locked and loaded for the 20 September release date. The guys are down with it, so we watch the doc before I’m called to set to block.

Phil Raskind drops in and while I’m blocking Malcolm shows him a bunch of
Small Town/Gay Bar
. Later, Phil tells me he really dug it, but couldn’t understand why Malcolm would say: “The film parallels my life.” I’m like, “Well, because Malcolm’s gay.” Phil refuses to believe me, and I tell Malcolm to back me up (though not like that). Raskind makes me swear on my child’s life that it’s the truth, which I do. Phil spends the rest of the day in a fog, worried that his gaydar is worthless. We roll up on one of the
X3
stages, where we see the X-Jet being assembled, as well as the hallways of Xavier’s mansion. Not content with a sneak peek into the mutant world, Mewes bums a Tim Horton off one of the X-ers. With that, we head back to the trailer, until I’m called to set.

The scene today went from being me walking through a shot, to me having lines. Susannah’s added some dialogue that gives my character and Garner’s character some closure. We roll through a few takes of the very sweet and funny bit, during which Ben and his mom, Chris, show up. Ben and Mewes chit-chat about the
Lord of the Rings
skirmish game, while I play catch-up with Mother Affleck.

A few takes in to the scene, Raskind has to bolt for the airport. I give him a hug and send him on his way. I shoot for about an hour more, ‘til around seven, and then get my hair and makeup removed and head back to the hotel with Mewes and Malcolm.

We get back to the apartment to discover that Gail’s made family dinner: spaghetti, meatballs, and sausage. Byron, Gail, Jenny, Harley, Mewes, Malcolm and I gather ‘round the dinner table and throw back some good-ass Italian, while shooting the shit about our various days, and when we’re all thinking about heading back to the States.

After dinner, we’re all feeling lethargic from eating so much. There’s a question about whether we’re gonna play poker or not, but the idea is chucked, due to exhaustion. Mewes falls asleep on the couch, Malcolm watches
Murderball
in the living room, and Jen and I retire to the bedroom, where I play some Ultimate Bet and Jen reads. We throw on a flick and eventually fall asleep.

Tuesday 12 July 2005 @ 2:51 a.m.

I wake up, shit and check email for a while. Jen wakes, and we go over the schedule for the week. The idea is that we send Byron, Gail and Harley home for good in the morning. We’ll be following the next day at the latest, going home for the weekend and heading down to San Diego for the big Comic-Con, so leaving B, G, and H up here only to return on Monday and send them home on Tuesday makes no sense. So it’s decided: the ‘rents and the kid will fly out on the morrow, and we’ll follow the day after, if my work schedule is as it stands now (Thursday and Friday off).