My Body-Mine (34 page)

Jane,

Ran to the store for breakfast supplies.

Help yourself to coffee.

Be back soon.

I love you,

Luke

I plodded to the bathroom and freshened up. Strolling to the dresser to collect my clothes, I noticed the divorce papers. I dressed quickly and took the pages with me into the kitchen. After drinking a large glass of water, I decided to check my messages. I retrieved my phone from the car and turned it on.

A few texts chimed in, three from Marcello and another from Chase. My stomach clenched and I took a second to center myself. I wouldn’t hide from the realities of the situation. At least this task put off thinking about Luke and what last night had meant.

Settling myself on the couch by the window, I checked Marcello’s message first.

Marcello:
I’m asking you to wait until I get home before deciding anything.

Marcello:
Be careful with Luke. He’s not good for you.

Marcello:
Text me. I’m worried about you.

“
Shit!” I also had two missed calls and both came from him. I immediately typed out a text.

Me:
I’m fine. I just turned off my phone last night. I’ll call you later.

I realized that I was more worried about the text from Chase than the one from Marcello.

Chase:
I’m sorry for overreacting last night. You’ve been upfront from the start. I think finding out that you’re still married, that there is another man between you and me was hard to swallow. I know what I want, and I’m willing to wait until you sort it out for yourself. Do what you need to do, Jane. More than anything, I want you to be happy. You deserve it.

I didn’t know if I
deserved
happiness like he wrote, but right then I believed I was not worthy of Chase’s love. I sent no text to him because I didn’t know what to say.

I hurriedly read through the divorce decree and astonishingly found that Marcello had included everything I’d have asked for myself. The divorce would be a simple exchange of assets with no alimony payments. The papers listed the proceeds from the sale of my car, condo, 401k, and the money I had in my bank account prior to our marriage. It also included the beach house as an asset turned over to me. Just like Marcello to overstep the boundaries that normal people would never tread and do it in such a way that inspired respect.

Luke returned home shortly after with bagels and all the fixings, kissing my cheek as he passed by on his way to the kitchen. We each made a plate and went outside to watch the waves on the shore. I enjoyed the breeze, but couldn’t help thinking about the time
I
spent with Chase on the very same spot. Instead of wondering what might come next for me and Luke, I worried whether Chase would forgive me for what I had done.

Luke finally broke the silence. “Here is what I have been thinking. We sell this house and make Seattle our home base so we can reduce the commute time between Japan and the States. It will give us a fresh start and you can write your stories anywhere. I know you’ll just love Seattle. I meant to say last night that your writing is really very good. I’m not sure I
’ll
finish the whole memoir, but maybe someday. I’d love to read your other stories.”

“
Seattle? I don’t know anyone there and one fuck doesn’t solve all the problems we had.”

“
Jane, that was more than a fuck. We both well understand the difference.”

“
Fucking, or sex, or making love, I don’t see how it changes anything.”

“
We can put off moving to Seattle for a while and live here while we sort out our relationship. Please give it time.” He reached out to touch me but I shook him off.

“
Did you ever consider asking me if I wanted to move to Seattle? You didn’t. I’m not the same person you met over a year ago, Luke, or the person I became by the end of our relationship. Did you happen to read the divorce papers?”

“
No, I haven’t,” he said.

“
Read them. I want us both to sign the papers and continue on with our separate lives.”

“
Hey, wait a minute.” Luke abruptly stood. “What about last night? I know what I felt with you, and you felt it too,” he said, pointing back at the house.

My reality had finally become more bizarre than my dreams.

“
Luke,” I said, not wanting to hurt him but needing to say the truth aloud. “You asked me if I was obligated to anyone, and I should have said yes, although the whole time I have known him I’ve been putting him off. The truth is I’m falling in love with Chase. This morning I felt more concerned over him rejecting me for choosing to have sex with you than where you and I stand. That must mean something.”

“
How long have you known this guy?”

My laugh had a bitter edge. “How long had we known each other?”

“
Jane, please, don’t you think you’re being rash?”

“
Can I give you a piece of advice?”

He shrugged.

“
Janice and I figured out that we each loved a different side of you. She loved ‘bad’ Luke and I loved ‘good’ Luke. Maybe if you could find a way to close the chasm between the two sides of you, you might find the love you need in your life. My vote is for Janice. I can’t help but think that it means something that you let Janice suck your cock when we were supposedly happily married. Maybe there’s still something there for you both. In any regard, please consider signing the papers.”

I stood up, feeling jubilant. I wanted to scream out to the ocean and release some of the energy that real closure had provided me. I
nstead I
went into the house and found a pen in the drawer near the sink. Finding the last page of the divorce papers, I signed and filled in the date. I picked up Luke’s copy of
Falling
Through The
Rabbit Hole
from the table, sat down and left an inscription.

Dear Luke,

For the man who taught me the best and worst about love and sexuality, awakening me from the dead and almost taking me there again. I wish you good love from now on. I owe you for making my dreams come true in the most twisted sort of way.

I will always have a place in my heart for you,

Jane

Setting the book on top of the divorce papers, I took one last look at the house that might someday be mine. I found Luke by the stairs that led to the beach and touched his shoulder.

Tears spilled down his cheeks. “I waited too long,” he said.

“
Yes, you did,” I said softly. My eyes filled as well, as I opened my arms to him.

We hugged each other, our life together finally in the past. I hoped with every fiber of my being that he could let go and find happiness in his life.

We broke apart and I said, “I signed the divorce papers and your book as well.”

“
I love you, Jane,” he said, anguish
echoed
in his voice.

Part of me longed to take his pain away, but I knew he’d have to do it for himself, just as I had done. “I love you too,” I said, understanding that a part of me always would.

What I wanted to do, more than anything else in the world, was to drive straight over to Chase’s condo and sink into his embrace. However, I would not allow myself that luxury until I could freely offer him my love.

As I drove to Marcello’s house, I relived my night with Luke. I did not regret what I had done because it had freed my heart to love again. I only hoped Chase would see it that way.

A
s soon as I arrived home, I climbed onto my bed and called Marcello.

“
Hello,” he said. I found it hard to read his mood based on his tone.

“
Hi, Marcello,” I said, a bit wearily.

“
I’m not particularly happy with you,” he said.

“
The feeling is mutual.” His comment made me indignant.

“
Janice said you didn’t come home last night.”

“
That’s no longer any of your business. I’m looking into another place to stay until the divorce is finalized.”

“
You’re welcome to stay at my place.”

“
Thank you, Marcello, I appreciate it, but it’s time for all of us to move on, don’t you think? It’s hard for me to stay angry over the divorce papers you had served to Luke. They turned out to be very timely, and you somehow managed to include everything I’d have put in myself. However, you totally disregarded my will and completely disrespected me.”

“
Did you sign them?” he asked.

“
Yes, I signed and left them with Luke.”

“
He only has a few more days to sign, or the divorce will be considered uncontested.”

“
I’m pretty sure he’ll sign.”

“
Really? I find that hard to believe.”

“
And I find your response incredibly interesting,” I said. “Why would you think that?”

“
He said he came here to try again.”

“
And you thought you should keep that information to yourself?” Having my life micromanaged wore at me. The prospect of being on my own again hung like a carrot just out of reach.

“
I told him we were happy, because we were at the time.”

“
I see. Well none of that matters now.” Silence hung in the air like a cloud of dismay. Breaking through it I said, “How’s your mother doing?”

“
She seems to get stronger every day. I’ve finally convinced her to come to Florida with me.”

“
That must be a relief.”

“
It is,” he said and paused. “Jane is there no chance for us?” he finally asked.

“
No, Marcello. I don’t want this lifestyle anymore. I do hope we stay in each other’s lives because I love you, and I value your friendship.” I sighed and said, “I wish you were here and we weren’t having this discussion over the phone.”

“
So you’re not leaving me for Luke.”

“
No, I’m leaving you for me.”

“
I see.”

“
When are you coming home?”

“
The doctors say she can leave in a week and I’ll be setting up the room across the hall from yours. A hospital bed will be delivered in a few days.”

“
Can I continue to use the Camry until the divorce comes through?”

“
Of course, Jane, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“
Thank you so much, Marcello. Maybe we can have lunch when you get back?”

“
Maybe someday.”

“
Okay, well, I’m going to go.”

“
Ciao bella.”

“
Bye, Marcello.”

That goodbye pained me more than the one with Luke. In many ways Marcello had provided me the time, space, and love I needed to heal and come into my own. I hoped we could move on and find a place of friendship.

Although my life was changing rapidly and the most recent events hurt my heart, the empowerment I felt in taking control made me see how far I’d come. Grounded and centered in myself, I knew the Jane from “Luke and Jane” lived in the past and I no longer needed to feel shame or grieve my choices. I would strive to live solidly in the present with my eye on the future.

Scrolling through my recent calls, I clicked on Parker’s number.

“
Hi Jane,” she said when she answered. “How’s it going?”

“
Well you know me …
l
ife is a wacky adventure.”

“
So true,” she said, and I could hear the smile in her voice. “I read what you wrote in my book and Andre’s too. Thank you, Jane. I love you too.”

“
I have a question for you.”

“
Shoot.”

“
Have you done anything with your house yet? Are you all settled into Andre’s place?”

“
We decided to wait six months before putting the house on the market and I’m not going to rent it out. Why?”

“
I was hoping I could stay there for a few weeks until my divorce is final. It might be a few months if Luke contests it, but I’m pretty sure he’ll just sign the papers.”

“
Whoa, you’re divorcing Luke
and
moving out of Marcello’s house? Jane … Jane … is that really you?”

I laughed and said, “Very funny.”

“
Where does Chase fit into all of this?” Parker asked.

“
Nowhere yet. I really like him and I think we might be good for each other, but I can’t let him rescue me from my current situation. If we do work out as a couple—and Parker, only time will tell—I need to come to him as a whole, self-sustaining woman, without all the baggage.”

“
Jane,” Parker choked.

“
Are you crying?”

“
Yes, I am. You have no idea how worried I’ve been for you. I feel like five tons have been lifted off my chest that I hadn’t realized I’d been carrying around. You think I’ve judged you and I guess I have, but you are one of the most fun, easy-going, nice people I have ever known and it hurt me to see you … so torn down.”

“
Wow.”

“
I’ll give you this: I thought living with Marcello was another bad decision but I can see that you were right. He gave you time to heal.”

“
Yes, he did.”