My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding (3 page)

more on you than you can bear. Tell Grandma what's wrong."

"I met this girl; she's real nice, real"

"She pregnant, son?"

"No, no, it ain't like that," Jefferson said in a rush, glancing at Odelia, embarrassed by the charge. "She's real sweet, a church girl I met at college, and I wanna marry her, now that I'm fixin' to graduate, but. . ."

"Then go on and do the right thing by her, boy. Marry that girl; if she passes yo'

inspection, I know she'll pass mine. That ain't no problem. You grown, and did mighty right by yo'self. We's all proud of you."

He let out an exasperated sigh. "She's a HatField, Grandma. I Fell in love with her before I actually knew that this spell stuff was real." It wasn't the complete truth, but explaining the whole thing in excruciating detail was just too much to deal with.

Again, silence Filled the line, and Jefferson closed his eyes, waiting.

"Well, that does create a sticky wicket now, don't it?" his grandmother said, letting out a huff of breath.

"Grandma ... I can't have nothin' happen to her; you know what I'm saying?"

"'Deed I do," his grandmother said angrily. "I can't countenance them McCoys worth a damn! Not that I'm casting aspersions on you, suga', but you know how I Feel about yo' daddy's people. I ain't twofaced about it; they all knows how us Joneses feel, especially yo' momma. She know itso I ain't talking behind no backs.

When you fittin' to marry this chile?"

"I wanted to marry Odelia when everybody came up here for my graduation, to save everybody a double trip and the double expense . . . since we were all gonna be up here at one time. She's graduating that day, too, so"

"You was trying to kill two birds with one stone, like it would make sense to do.

I hear you, chile. You ain't gotta go into no deep explanations for yo' ole grandma.

I know how them McCoys act. Figured up in a public setting, they might jus' mind they p's and q's. But I wouldn't count on it." His grandmother sighed and let out a grunt. "We needs insurance."

Jefferson's shoulders slumped and Odelia went to him to hold his hand for support. "Grandma, I can't have nothing crazy happen to her, and I'm trying my best to do the right thing . . . we wanna be together, and every time . . ."

"They still got that mess on you, son, so you can't even half kiss her? No wonder you half crazy and ready to jump the broom like a fugitive," his grandmother practically shouted. "Lackanookie at your age ain't healthy, boy."

"Grandma!" He dropped Odelia's hand, ashamed, and walked across the room.

"Don't you 'grandma' me," the elderly lady said, becoming indignant. "I know all about the birds and the bees, and been young once. That don't make no sense.

Besides, I heard all about it from your momma, who's been worried sick about it ever since your moneygrubbing uncles put it on ya! Now you hear me and hear me good, chile. You go on and get the day booked at the church. We Joneses is coming up there, and we bringing plenty to eat with us. They betta not start. I'ma call Reverend Mitchell and tell him all about it, and how them McCoys is at it again! He'll put up a prayer line round you chil'ren,jus' like he did when you all was jus' babies on the tit. Then I'ma get my sister, I dell, and your uncle Roy on the case. While I don't dabble myself, I know people who gots a powerful conjure to go up against a McCoy root any day. They ain't the only ones who can git into a pot and stir itand you
know
I must be mad as a wet hen, ifn' I'ma go there, as your grandma. Fit to be tied, is what I am! Might even call Mrs. Robinson so we Joneses and Robinsons can form an alliance."

"Now, Grandma," Jefferson said, his voice quavering at the thought, "there's no call for an allout Family"

"It's settled," his grandmother said flatly. "The dawgs of war have been called, and so help me Jesus, war it is. IF we Jonses stand with the Robinson clan, with the HatFields going up against the McCoys, their numbers will be less than ours.

Weaker. Our mojo will prevail, have mercy!"

He stared helplessly at Odelia, as she gestured wildly with her hands for a translation of the part of the conversation she couldn't hear.

"Grandma, please," he said, his voice quiet.

"Naw, baby. I got this. Now you jus' git off the telyphone, and try your best to reserve yourself From laying a hand on your betrothed For at least twentyFour hours. Give Grandma some time to work it all out. . . jus' as a precautionary measure. I ain't dealt with this in a Few years and might be kinda rusty. So, let's stay on the safe side fer now. But we's having us a wedding."

"Thanks, Grandma. I love you." What else was there to say?

"That's right, baby. Now you c'mon and give Grand some suga' through the phone, and I'll be up there directly to git one in person."

Jefferson kissed the receiver and simply shook his head.

"Byebye, baby. It'll all work out." Then she was gone.

The couple stood in the middle of the apartment floor, saying nothing as Jefferson clutched the cordless unit in his hand.

"She called out the big guns, didn't she?" Odelia Finally whispered.

He nodded. "Yep. It's on, now. The Joneses are Forming an alliance with the Robinsons against the HatFields and the McCoys. Grandma is talking strength in numbers, given that the HatFields and McCoys are splintered against each other."

Odelia closed her eyes and held on to the dinette table. "It was a really bad idea to call them, wasn't it?"

"Yep. My bad."

He and Odelia stared at each other For a moment and then burst out laughing.

Ester McCoy stood on her Front porch with her brothersinlaw, Rupert and Melville, watching Reverend Mitchell huff up the walkway. Her momma had put out an allpoints Family bulletin, and Ester hadn't seen Pastor look so upset since her late husband had passed away. Somehow she knew her dead husband had to be doing cartwheels in his grave. Her boy was gonna marry a Hatfield? More important, her son hadn't even told her about it himself and her child was now in harm's way? Oh yeah, the die had been cast and the dragon's teeth sown. After it was all said and done, she was a Jones, and would side with real blood over married blood any day of the week.

She cut a withering glance toward her husband's kin. This had all gone too farnow the church was involved? But she pasted on her most mannerly smile as the elderly pastor tipped his hat and proceeded up her porch steps.

"Afternoon, Pastor. What brings you out on this lovely afternoon?"

Reverend Mitchell set his jaw hard. "Ma'am," he said in a tight voice, and looked at her brothersinlaw. "You know I don't have no foolishness up in my church, right?"

Rupert and Melville returned innocent, astonished gazes at the pastor.

"Why, Rev," Rupert said with a sly smile, "we don't know what would make you draw such a conclusion, that"

"I ain't drew no conclusion!" the reverend said, stomping his foot. "Don't tes' me, Rupert. I'm a man of the cloth, but I know these backwoods like the back of my own hand. Now you leave them children be so they can get married."

"We's all for holy matrimony, Pastor," Melville said sheepishly. "Ain't we, Ester?"

"The rat bastards is trying to root my boy!" Ester wailed, rushing over to Reverend Mitchell and burying her face against his shoulder. Her composure had fractured like a sudden storm. "They conjures is about to backfire, jus' like it took my husband, Jeb! I wanted my son to come home, but all in one piece and alivewhich is the onliest reason I didn't come to you before. But if the boy is set on moving away and marrying, I want him to do well, and to give me some grands!"

"Now, see," Reverend Mitchell said, stroking Ester's back while he set his furious gaze on Rupert and Melville. "Y'all needs ta cut it out, 'fore somebody gits hurt. Both sides been going at it for years, all over money and land, but now we got innocent kids in the middle."

"You needs ta go tell the Hatfields to lay low. My brother died 'cause them Hatfields sent a lightning bolt at him, then claimed it was only supposed to be a warning shot over the bow," Melville protested. "Zeek Hatfield
lied
on my brother.

Theys the ones who started it up again."

"And Zeek Hatfield's wife just so happened to die of fever that same night," the reverend argued, "when the way I recollect it, the woman had come out in the rain on a mission of peace!"

"That's right, she died, caught a cold, but we didn't have nuthin' to do with that, contrary to pop'lar opinions," Rupert said with a tight smile. "And ole lady Jones needs to stay out of family bizness and stop spreading mistruths."

"Now you calling my momma a liar?" Ester pulled away from the reverend's protective hug and squared her shoulders.

"Don't start with me, Ester," Rupert warned. "You don't want nonea this."

"You talking ill of my momma and put my boy in harm's way whatchu think I got for your old ass, huh! If ya hadn't a went up to Zeek at the store and tried to rub his nose in it about his wife, which was a lie, then he wouldn't have tol' his sisters the rumor youall had started to get his goat! Don't you Forget, I'm a Jones, and"

"I ain't scairt of no Idell and Roy!" Rupert yelled, even though Melville had backed up a step. "Wasn't our fault that Zeek took things that far."

"It was
his wife.
Whatchu think the man was gonna do? Stand around and let her have an affair with my Jeb?"

"Now, listen to me, all of y'all!" Reverend Mitchell shouted. "We's gonna have us a wedding that might just, For once in history, bring both of these Families tagetha. And y'all needs to know this I done called out the
old
prayer warriors in the church to put a hard line around anybody conjuring, spellcasting, or dabbling in hoodoo over these young folks. If ya send so much as a chicken foot to each other, it'll jump up and backfire on the sender. Oh, we's vigilant on this one.

Grandma Jones and Nana Robinson done tol' on both sides!"

With that, the reverend straightened his lapels, tipped his hat, turned on his heels, and walked back down the front steps to the dusty yard path.

Someone was pounding on his door so hard that he and his sister, Effie, thought it was the police. Ezekiel HatField rushed with his sister through the small clapboard house and did a double take when he spied Nana Robinson through the screen.

"I know that cow ain't on our porch," Effie grumbled under her breath as Ezekiel opened the door.

He stared at the rotund old woman who had her fleshy arms Folded over her huge breasts and who had come out in such a rush that she still had on pink bedroom slippers and a flowerprinted housecoat, with her hair tied up in a sheer scarf. Mostly, that wasn't Nana Robinson's style. Under normal conditions, even he had to admit that the old bat wore a very fine church hat and was dressed accordingly, which was the only time he ever saw her. Worry creased his brow.

The one and only thing that could have brought old lady Robinson to his door had to be something related to his baby girl.

With that in mind, Ezekiel shushed his sister. "Nana Robinson, you at my Front door For a good reason?"

"You know I am, Zeek. So, I ain't gonna mince no words. Your daughter's in trouble. Powerful trouble. And it's in your hands now."

He felt his body slump against the door frame as his sister's palm slid to his shoulder in support.

"My daughter Maylene, rest her soul in heaven, must be spinnin' in her grave."

"What happened to my baby girl?" Ezekiel whispered. "Just tell me, Nana.

Please." Before the elderly woman could answer, he spun on his sister. "I thought you said youall had something to keep that girl from getting knocked up, so she could get her education?"

"We did," Effie said, wringing her hands. "Aw, Lawd . . . who's the daddy? We can strike his ass dead, if"

"She gittin' married, and the girl ain't done alla that."

"Married?" both Hatfield siblings said at once, incredulous.

"When?" Effie asked, putting both hands on her hips.

"More importantto who? Ain't nobody ask me could they steal my baby,"

Ezekiel said, his voice becoming loud as he walked out onto the porch.

Nana Robinson smiled. "Ester McCoy's boy, who's just about to graduate From law school in two weeks."

"Aw,
hell
no!" Ezekiel roared, walking in a circle.

"That ain't gonna happen," Effie spat, and stepped out onto the porch, letting the door slam loudly shut behind her.

"It's outta your hands," Nana Robinson warned. "I done called both Reverend and Opal KayRev will be by here directly, after he breaks the news to Ester . . .

but Opal Kay gots somethin' fer ya, if y'all HatFields start some mess."

"Opal Kay ain't got
nothin'
to do with this," Effie yelled as she hurried back into the house and closed the screen door behind her and then glared at Nana Robinson through the flimsy divide.

"My baby ain't marrying no McCoy!" Ezekiel raged. "Over my dead body."

"That's a promise," Nana Robinson said, pointing a crocked finger at him.

"That's my grandbaby, toodon't you fergit it. Just 'cause I got arthuritis don't mean I'm rusty. Plus, we done formed an allianceJoneses stand with Robinsons!"

"You threatening me, old lady?"

He leaned down in her face but backed up as her eyes narrowed.

"I ain't threatening you; I'm tellin' ya what Jesus knows." Before Ezekiel could step back farther, Nana Robinson whipped out a little black satchel from her ample cleavage. "This from both alliance clans," she said with a tight smile.

"Uhmmmhmmm, ain't ready is ya, caught ya by surprise attack," the old woman said, triumphant. "So, don't make me drop this on your porch, fool, because we can do this the oldfashioned way, or keep some civilities. But ya best tell your sister and all the rest of them Hatfield heifers, they done come up against the entire RobinsonJones coclansplus we gots Ester McCoy standing with us, and one in the grave, my daughter, who will help us for
her daughter
she onea
ours.
All the mothers, dead or alive, is united. Don't you fergit how this all works and be dumb enough to let insurance money make y'all stupid. Speak now, or forever hold your peace. We's having a wedding."