Must Love Dogs: New Leash on Life (14 page)

Passing a woman on the street and being reminded of my mother still happened to me fairly often. Actually, to be totally honest, it was more than just being reminded of her. It was like feeling, just for a split second, that I
'd found her again. It was as if my head knew she'd died, but my heart thought she was still in reach, just around the next corner.

I
'd once casually asked my sister Carol if it ever happened to her. We were sitting in my living room, our feet on the coffee table, a few weeks after Kevin had moved out for good. A bag of Trader Joe's olive oil popcorn was all we'd been able to rustle up for dinner in my lonely little kitchen. We were washing it down with the bottle of champagne Kevin and I had planned to drink on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.

"
This champagne sucks," Carol said. "It's a good thing you didn't stay married just for this."

"
Funny," I said. "So funny I forgot to laugh." When I guzzled the rest of my glassful, the bubbles escaped into my nose. "Ouch."

Carol took a more delicate sip from Kevin
's honeymoon flute. "I can feel Mom cheering you on from heaven."

I smiled.
"What's she saying?"

"
It's about time you got rid of that asshole, honey."

I coughed and swallowed at the same time. More bubbles burned my nose.

"You are so going to get your mouth washed out with soap for that," I managed to croak.

Carol gave me a quick pat on the back with one hand as she poured the rest of the champagne with the other. Having four kids had left her permanently incapable of doing one thing at a time.

"Do you ever think you see her?" I whispered. "You know, think you see Mom?"

Carol leaned back and put her feet up again.
"All the time. I see her in the look Siobhan gives me when she's not buying what I'm telling her. I see her in Trevor, the way he presses the tip of his tongue into his upper lip when he's concentrating. Remember how she always used to do that when she put on her mascara?"

I closed my eyes and tried to conjure up a picture of my mother putting on her mascara. I couldn
't. It was gone, along with the all the other pieces of her I'd lost—her laugh, her sneeze, her yawn—more of her gone every day, every week, every year.

I tilted my head back so my tears would stay where they b
elonged. "I meant really see her. You know, like on the street?"

"
Yeah," Carol said. "Sometimes. Once I followed this woman halfway across the mall parking garage, up and down the rows of cars, just to get a look at her face. She had Mom's hair and the same long tan belted raincoat, you know, the one Christine got."

"
What happened?"

"
She finally stopped at her car, and I was just about to yell 'excuse me' to get her to turn. Suddenly she whipped around and pointed this can of Mace at me."

"Ha. But did she look like Mom?"

"Not really. Mom was way better looking." Carol reached for her glass. "Come on, chug the rest and let's do this."

I picked up my honeymoon glass for the last time, drank it dry, waited for the bubbles to stop tickling my nose.

"One . . . two . . . three," Carol said.

"
Good riddance to bad rubbish," we yelled as Kevin's and my glasses shattered against the brick fireplace.

After the
Gamiacs headed back to the office, Keli followed me into the ladies room.

"
Thanks again for this," I said as I unscrewed the lotion and rubbed some on my hands. "Ooh, this smells great. So orangey."

"
I'm going to call my mother," she said as she washed her hands beside me. "I promise."

"
I'm glad to hear that," I said. "My mother died a few years ago. I'd give anything to have five more minutes with her."

"Oh, that's so sad," Keli said. "My mother's the queen of sabotage though, always trying to fatten me up. And I'm an only child so I can't even share the calories."

"
I'm one of six," I said. "I can't even imagine being an only child."

"
And my father ran off when I was three. That's why I can never stay in a relationship for more than five minutes. I'm compensating for him not being there for me."

"
Well, at least you understand it." I reached for a paper towel. "Sounds like you've had some good therapy."

"
Actually, I saw it on Dr. Phil. But I didn't want to date him, so I'm not that far gone."

I laughed.
"Sorry," I added, in case she'd been serious.

"
That's okay," she said. "I'm pretty sure I was kidding. So what about you?"

"
Have I ever dated Dr. Phil?"

She laughed.
"No, are you seeing anyone?"

"
Yeah," I said. "Actually I'm dating the big guy's owner."

She covered her mouth with one hand and opened her eyes wide.
"John Anderson? Shut the front door."

I watched her carefully.
"Why is that so surprising?"

"
Because I have this mammoth crush on him? I mean, he's kind of geeky and kind of old, but so hot."

We looked at each other.

She grinned. "Not anymore."

Chapter

Seventeen

Neither John nor I had any condoms.

"
But you
always
have condoms," I said as I rifled through the contents of my shoulder bag, which I'd just finished dumping out on his double vanity. I took a short break from condom hunting to roll some of Keli's organic orange lip balm on my kiss-ravaged lips.

"
As do you." He shut the chrome-framed mirror that hid one of the medicine cabinets we'd decided to search once the drawer in his bedside table turned out to be condom-less. He tried to pull me back into an embrace. I caught a glimpse of us in the mirror, stark naked except for my Ace bandage. I looked okay, I thought, maybe even better than Keli looked once you got her out from under all her cute clothes. I was glad I'd set her straight about John. I had to admit she was starting to grow on me. She was an odd choice for a friend, but I'd probably be a really good influence on her.

I wiggled away and opened the other mirror. One of my favo
rite activities with my Bayberry students was to help them create a timeline of their short lives on a great big sheet of white paper, complete with photos and drawings and the dates of important milestones. If I were to create a birth control timeline of my own life, it would go like this: stealing condoms from my brother Johnny's room in high school just in case I ever needed one; going to health services for a prescription for birth control pills the very first week I arrived at college; actually filling the prescription two years later when I finally had a boyfriend; semi-regular check-ups and more pill prescriptions; switching to a diaphragm after two years of marriage, so that there wouldn't be a waiting period when Kevin finally decided he was ready to have kids; finding a series of holes shaped like the Big Dipper in my former marriage diaphragm when I eventually dusted it off for post-divorce use; switching back to condoms again.

When John and I became a couple, I considered switching to a more hardcore form of birth control. But people weren
't always who they appeared to be, and condoms protected you from worrying about STDs, too. They were smaller and more portable than diaphragms, another advantage, and you didn't have to remember to take them like the pill. Sure, the effectiveness rate was a bit lower, but my most fertile days were well behind me at this point anyway.

But sometimes another truth would sneak up on me in the mi
ddle of the night after a Sunday spent with my nieces and nephews, or when I saw an older mom carrying a newborn in a baby seat looped over her arm like a bracelet.
I want this
, I'd think, as a yearning so deep it almost brought me to my knees came over me.
I want a child of my own
.

Maybe the real truth was that, as a method of birth control, a condom seemed the least likely to succeed.

I stood up on my tiptoes and tried to reach the top shelf. "If we were at my house and we ran out of condoms, the car would be in the driveway and CVS would be two minutes away. Just saying."

"
If we were at your house," John said, "your brother would be there and we wouldn't need a condom."

It was a good point, but before I
'd decided whether or not I wanted to acknowledge that, I touched a square packet with the tip of one finger.

"
Eureka," I yelled as the condom fell off the shelf.

John caught it before it landed in one of the double sinks.
"Hmm, I don't even remember buying this brand." He turned it over in his hand and squinted at it, perhaps looking for an expiration date.

"As long as it's not the one you carried around in your wallet all through high school, I think we're good." I leaned in for a long kiss and we started working our way back to John's bedroom.

"
Hey, how did you know about my high school condom?" John asked later, after we'd finished making love. The late afternoon sun was peeking through the wooden slats of the blinds, and I felt like I could stay curled up here forever. Except that I had to pee and I was getting really hungry.

"
Brothers," I said. "All three of mine had wallet condoms. Carol and Christine and I used to sneak into their bedroom after Sunday dinner while they were out in the driveway playing basketball and go through their wallets just to see if they'd used them over the weekend."

John laughed. He grabbed one of my feet and kissed a dog print-decaled toe. Then his eyes moved to the bedside clock. Hor
atio.

I
'd forgotten to buy sandwiches for us at the restaurant. By the time we got John's car out of his garage, found a decent restaurant, drove around until we found a parking place within walking distance, went inside and ordered and ate, I didn't even have to suggest going back to the condo for a riveting game of pinball before we picked up Horatio. We were late already.

John decided it would be faster to drive to puppy play care. We battled traffic the whole way, and it turned out we probably could have walked the distance three times by the time we finally got there. Urban life was simply exhausting.

Of course, we couldn't find a parking spot near Happytails, so I waited in the car, double-parked with the motor running, while John ran in to pick up Horatio.

I rolled on some orange essence lip balm, checked my phone for messages just to kill some time. Not a one. Then I opened up my web browser and checked in on the private work chat the
Gamiacs had set up for us. I'd scroll through the comments and formulate my next online assignment accordingly, using my extensive training and expertise to analyze their developmental progress and specific needs.

Wood u
care 2 dine with me this evening RavenSureSong?
ObsidianDream had posted moments before at 4:58 PM.

A post from
RavenSureSong came in as I watched.
Id b dlited
.

I closed my eyes and took a moment to appreciate this beautiful milestone. Maybe I could have them all make timelines on the final day of the session. We could scroll through the chat archives and find the exact day and time of their breakthrough moments. I
'd order a big roll of paper like the kind we used at Bayberry. Or maybe we could make the timelines digitally. The Gamiacs would know what computer program would work best.

When I opened my eyes, a new
message had materialized.
Now pick restaurant and time 2 meet and make sure u give yourselves time 2 shower & change first.

Posted by
PrincessKeli at 5:03 PM.

My first thought was I couldn
't believe she'd crashed our work chat. I mean, what part of
private
did she not understand? Then I switched into mentor mode. I was too young and vibrant to be a mother figure for her, so it would have to be more like an older sister figure. But, bottom line, what a great opportunity this was for Keli to learn from me. Who knew, if June got her own classroom one day, maybe Keli could even become my new assistant.

I logged in to the chat room.
Great job, everybody
, I posted.
Keep up the good work
.

John opened the back door on his side for Horatio.
"Okay, buddy, hop right in. Guess who came to visit us? Sarah! And you know what that means. That means she's riding shotgun today!"

Why did people have to sound like such idiots when they talked to their dogs? Even the parents of preschoolers had more dignity, at least most of the time.

Horatio got in and immediately tried to jump the gear thingee between the two front seats of John's Acura.

John gave his leash a tug.
"Block the opening with your arm so he can't get through, but casually, as if you're simply claiming your turf."

"
Casually?" I said. "I only have one good arm left."

John shut the back door and jumped into the driver
's seat. I fought the urge to cut and run before he started up the car.

Horatio sniffed the air,
then let out a growl, low and mean, like he was gargling rocks.

John turned the key in the ignition. I moved my hand to get a better grip on the back of his seat.

Horatio lunged at my arm block and nipped me right above the elbow.

"
Ouch," I yelled.

"
Don't say
ouch
," John said. "And don't show any anxiety. Just grab the leash and make a correction. And keep your arm in block position."

I couldn
't believe it.
Don't say ouch?
Talk about giving Horatio a free pass to behave like a canine barbarian.

"
You're joking, right?" I finally said.

"
No, I'm not joking. I've been knee deep in research all week."

I let out a puff of air.
"How about if I just walk? I can meet you guys back at the condo." I crossed my fingers as I said the last part, since there was no way I was going back to John's condo if this was the kind of night I was in for.

As soon as I got safely out of the car, I
'd call my brother Michael and see if I could still catch a ride home with him. Or if he'd already left, I'd jump on the train and make him pick me up at the Marshbury station. Assuming I could find the nearest subway and get to the train station from here.

Horatio must have seen me cross my fingers because he lunged and snapped again, his teeth grazing my flesh and coming together with an ugly snap. I hoped he
'd chipped a fang. 

John put the car into park and reached back and grabbed Hor
atio's leash. He gave it a quick yank and said, "Horatio, down." Calmly, as if we didn't have a four-legged psychopath in the backseat. Then he turned his Heath Bar eyes to me. "I know this is hard, Sarah, but you've got to trust me. It's important for us to get this right."

I sighed. By the time we got back to John
's condo, my arm was shaking, but Horatio was still in the backseat.

"
Round one goes to me, I'd say," I whispered to Horatio as John got out and opened the back door for him.