Mucked Up (20 page)

Soon as I close the door, I realise that leaving the shed was a pretty crap idea cos there is a lot of stuff going on out here. On all sides of the oval, Year 12s are running over to the tree where the
HAGZ
are. Lots more are already there, standing round the tree laughing and throwing toilet paper and eggs up there.

I need to help Bris but I don’t know how to do it. Got no weapons, got no posse, got nothing. I could run over to Teachers’ Carpark and find a teacher. But nah, can’t go there, I can see Year 12s over there in stupid jester hats, standing round teachers’ cars and spraying shaving cream all over the place.

S’pose all I can do is run down the middle of the footy oval then get to Admin and try to get help there. Okay, that’s what I’m doing then. I’m not fit enough to jump the oval fence so I go under it, and now I’m running toward the middle with the pig in my arms but I’m not going fast enough because I’m already being chased.

Someone’s going ‘Oiiiiii’ and someone else is yelling ‘Mate, stop!’ They are getting close because the yelling is right in my ear.

‘STOP!’

Can’t run faster because I am so unsporty: the wrong leg goes in front of the other leg, and now I am tripping and falling to the ground. I don’t want to hurt the pig so I land on my back and now I am looking up at the sky with the sun in my eyes.

The pig is okay. It crawls off me onto the grass. But two Gangstas in Hoodies are looking down at me: they have scarves over their faces and one has the Weapon of Mass Sprayduction on his back and he is pointing the sprayer at my head.

At least I died bravely. Running away.

‘You’re Grassy’s mate, right? You brought the pig this morning.’

He is not shooting me with the sprayer.

The second Gangsta goes ‘Everyone reckons that you and Grassy in those sumo-suits was the funniest thing of the whole day.’

When I fell with the pig, its nappy came off and went over my face. So they can’t see who I am.

They think I am a mate of someone called Grassy and that I was one of the guys in the sumo-suits: ‘Uhhhhh … yeah … me and Grassy, haha.’

The first Gangsta pulls me up from the ground and I try and keep the nappy over my face with my other hand. It smells ploppy but I don’t care. ‘Why’d ya change out of your sumo-suit?’ he says.

‘Uhhh, got too hot.’

He looks at my T-shirt: ‘BOY, haha. That’s a funny
costume too, haw haw.’

‘Yeah … well … better go, lads, gotta get this pig back – to – its farm.’

The second Gangsta is looking at my clothes: ‘Wait up. How’d you get through Muck Up Day without getting a single mark on ya?’

The first Gangsta points his sprayer at my face. ‘Yeah, you don’t actually look like you’ve done any mucking up at all …’

Be a good idea to run now, Zurb.

‘… and that’s probably cos you’ve been stuck taking care of that pig all day and haven’t had any fun. Wanna have a go on the sprayer?’ He takes off the spray-pack and puts it on my back: ‘It’s bloody heavy anyway, so I’m tired of carrying it round.’

The second one says ‘It’s full up. We drank all these Staminades at lunchtime and worked up a pissload of piss then we pissed our piss into the spray-pack and topped it up with water.’

‘Awesummm.’ Hope I sounded impressed.

‘Go to the locker shed,’ says the first one. ‘There’s a kid there. Got him this morning with fish sauce and got him this arvo with piss. You can shoot him for as long as you want and he doesn’t even care haw haw.’

‘Yeah, we’re going to get some Asian chicks who are stuck in a tree,’ says the second one, ‘join us when you’re finished’ and they run off toward the tree with the
HAGZ
in it where everyone seems to be going.

I look down at the pig: don’t know how you keep doing it, but you saved my life again. I throw the nappy on the ground, hold out my arms, and the pig jumps into them. This is better: I got a weapon now. And I know where to find a posse now. And I think I can save Bris now. I’m running to the locker shed, with someone else’s piss sloshing around on my back.

He’s crying and sitting by himself on the ground outside the locker shed. His pants have got a hole on the knee and his shirt is pulled open in the front with buttons missing and a shirt pocket ripped off. His whole body is covered in wetness. Two schoolbags are there beside his legs.

‘… hhhHHH … Zurb?’

‘Flarping hell, they got ya again.’

‘Was getting my … hhhHHH … my bag from the locker shed and the Gangstas in Hoodies came and … hhhHHH … they sprayed me again …’

‘Why didn’t you run?’

‘Couldn’t, because I had my bag … and … hhhHHH … I also had your bag …’

That’s a true SCUM-friend. He got my bag out of the locker shed. That’s what slowed him down, that’s why he got sprayed.

His nose has powerful smell-glands and he can smell himself: ‘… I think … hhhHHH … they sprayed me with piss …’

‘It’s Staminade piss.’

‘That’s the worst … hhhHHH … kind …’

Even at his lowest point, he can fire off crackers.

‘Yeah, but Ravo, look what I got.’

He looks up: ‘… hhhHHH … a pig?’

‘No, dick-knuck!’ I turn sideways so he can see the spray-pack on my back: ‘The Weapon of Mass Sprayduction. We can spray them back!’

‘Nah … hhhHHH … I’ve had enough… hhhHHH.’

‘Lissen Ravo, don’t spend your life hiding in a barn with a donkey! Live by your heart, fight with your heart!’ He’s looking at me weird, the bit about the donkey in the barn must’ve confused him. But I keep going ‘Come on, Ravo! We are SCUM and it’s TIME FOR REVENGE!’

He gets up, picks up his bag. ‘Nah, not feeling it, Zurb … hhhHHH … gonna go home … hhhHHH … Gran’ll make me a nice bath with marjoram and lavender bath fizz …’

He’s walking away so I try one last thing: ‘Brisley’s in trouble.’

He stops for a sec: ‘Brisley?’

‘Yeah, she’s stuck in a tree near the oval. She’s up there with the rest of the
HAGZ
. The Year 12s have gone to get them.’

He turns and starts walking back, his eyes all different: ‘Brisley needs help?’

‘Yeah, and if you want, I’ll let you have the Weapon of Mass Sprayduction and you can spray the Year 12s and save Bris yourself.’ I take the spray-pack off my back and put it on the ground in front of him ‘You up for it or nah?’

He stares at the spray-pack full of piss for a few seconds, thinking, thinking …

‘I’m up for it!’ He drops his schoolbag near my feet then grabs the spray-pack and flips it onto his back in one go. He looks all action-hero-ish with the pack on his back, his shirt kind of open so his skinny little chest bones show underneath, his nose poking out longer
and prouder.

He holds the sprayer bit and puts his finger on the trigger bit and points it in the air: ‘Got a spray-pack full of piss and
I AM PISSED OFF
.’

Which is the kind of killer line you hear in movies before the action-hero shoots up all the druggie child-killers who have stolen nuclear bombs.

Ravo runs off toward the oval and I run behind him with the bags and the pig, huff huff; when this is all over I am going to keep this pig, it is going to be my new pet at home and I will build a wooden box in my bedroom where it can sleep with me and I will make sure it has a joyful long life in a bacon-free Jewish household. Actually, we’re a half-Jewish household so we do eat bacon sometimes but we’ll only eat it when Sumo-pig isn’t watching or is asleep, that will be my promise.

When we get to the oval, lots of stuff is happening on the other side. Flarp.

Zombies in Army-Camo, Gangstas in Hoodies, Harry Potters with Supa-Soakers, Gorillas in Netball Skirts, Smurfs with Guns, Superspicy-Girlz on Scooters, an extra Superspicy-Girl who is filming with a camera, and a bunch of randoms who are not part of any of those groups and are just wearing like pyjamas or an arsey hat or face-paint.

They are all around the tree with the
HAGZ
in it. The tree is getting eggs and water and jizz and shaving cream, just about everything, chucked, sprayed, and shot at it. Wet toilet paper is hanging from all the branches. Wet streamers as well, and silly string all over the place. You can’t see any of the Hot Asian Girls in the tree but you can hear them screaming up there – I think Ji-Hyun (Jack) is screaming the loudest. The only one you can see is Bris – she is hanging upside down from the bottom branch. One Superspicy-Girl is trying to grab her skirt and pull her down from the tree but Bris keeps fighting and punching at her head.

‘
COMING BRIS, HOLD ON!
’ Ravo guns it round the edge of the oval like he’s got spinning-wheel legs, didn’t know he could move so fast. He’s got his Beast Mode engaged and Year 12s turn to look when he stops near the tree. The first Gangsta in a Hoodie says ‘Hey, you’re not Year 12.’

And Ravo says ‘Best believe it,
BITCHEZZZZ!!!
’

He presses the trigger of the Weapon of Mass Sprayduction and piss sprays out of it. Oh lawwwwwd, it is magnificent, he just fires that sprayer at the whole pack of Year 12s and they stand there all confused and freaked-out.

The second Gangsta in a Hoodie is yelling ‘
WATCH OUT
,
IT
’
S PISS
!’

A Harry Potter is saying ‘
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT
’
S PISS
?’

The first Gangsta in a Hoodie is yelling back ‘
BECAUSE WE PISSED IT
.’

A Zombie in Army-Camo is flipping out: ‘
OHH-GAWWWWWD IT’S PISS
!!!!’

A Smurf is screaming ‘
EWWWWW-WWWW
!’

A Superspicy-Girl is yelling ‘
MEGAN, DON’T GET ANY ON THE CAMERA, IT BELONGS TO RANGA’S DAD!
’

They all start running to get away and Ravo turns his body from side to side so the piss is going in lots of different directions and hits everyone: ‘
THIS IS FOR GETTING ME WITH VIETNAMESE FISH SAUCE
…
AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ME WEAR LOST AND FOUND PANTS WITH A POO STAIN
…
AND THIS IS FOR SQUIRTING ME WITH TOMATO
SAUCE
…’

Gorillas in Netball Skirts are running, Zombies in Camo are running, Smurfs and Mexicans and Harry Potters and Superspicy-Girlz are all trying to get away but the sprayer shoots long distances, gets them even when they’re far away.