Ms. Sue Has No Clue! (4 page)

7
You Should Have Been There

“It's time for the Big Car Smash!” Ms. Sue shouted into her bullhorn.

“Car smash?” we all asked. “What's that?”

She didn't need to tell us the answer. At that moment, a tow truck came around the corner driven by our custodian, Miss Lazar. She was towing a junky old car. Miss Lazar put the car in the corner of the playground. Then she got out of the tow truck with a sledgehammer.

“One swing for one dollar,” she shouted. Then she took the sledgehammer, swung it over her head, and smashed the windshield of the car!

It was cool! Me and the guys all rushed over to get on line.

“Sorry,” Ms. Sue told us. “For safety reasons, only grown-ups are allowed to participate in the car smash.”

Bummer in the summer!

Smashing stuff up with a sledgehammer is cool. I can't wait until I'm old enough to smash stuff up with a sledgehammer. I will do that all day long. If you ask me, they should have a whole TV channel devoted to smashing stuff up with sledgehammers.

“Why would anyone want to damage a car on purpose?” asked Andrea.

“Because it's
fun
!” all the guys told her.

“I don't approve of violence,” she said.

“What do you have against violins?” I asked. Andrea rolled her eyes.

Just about all the dads—and a few moms—paid for a turn to hit the car with the sledgehammer. A few of them hit it over and over again. By the time they were finished, there was hardly anything left of the car. It was cool.

“It's time to play Toilet Seat Toss!” Ms. Sue shouted into her bullhorn.

Toilet Seat Toss is a lot like horseshoes, except that you toss toilet seats. So it has the perfect name. Instead of metal stakes in the ground, there were toilet bowl plungers. It cost a dollar to toss a toilet seat; and if you got a ringer, you would win a plastic bag with a goldfish in it.

I decided not to play that game.

“It's time for the beauty pageant!” Ms. Sue shouted into her bullhorn.

Everybody came rushing over to the stage. There was a curtain across the front so we could only see the contestants' high-heeled shoes. Ms. Sue asked everybody to donate a dollar to sponsor one of the contestants. Me and the gang pushed our way to the front so we would get a good view.

“I don't like beauty pageants,” Andrea said. “Beauty pageants disrespect women.”

“I agree,” said Emily, who always agrees with everything Andrea says.

“That's good,” Ms. Sue announced, “because there are no women in this beauty pageant.”

She pulled opened the curtain. Guess who was standing there?

Mr. Docker, Mr. Loring, Mr. Macky, Mr. Louie, Mr. Granite, Dr. Brad, Mr. Tony, and Mr. Harrison! And they were all wearing bathing suits and high heels!

“Aren't they lovely?” asked Ms. Sue.

The men paraded up and down the stage while this song “Isn't She Lovely” played. Everybody was laughing their heads off. I thought I was gonna pee in my pants.

Ms. Sue had us clap our hands really loud to decide which of the contestants was the most beautiful. The loudest applause was for Mr. Tony, so he won. I think it was because he has the most hair on his back. Ms. Sue put a crown on his head.

It was hilarious. And we got to see it live and in person. You should have been there!

After that, we all went over to the soccer field again, where Ms. Sue had set up a giant catapult that shot pumpkins across the field. People paid a dollar to shoot a pumpkin. Then we went into the gym and watched a game of donkey basketball. Yeah, with real donkeys!

There was also a dunk tank, a Dress Your Pet contest, a teacher tug of war, a mud-wrestling contest for parents, and a bug-eating contest. I went to all of them and spent almost all the money my parents had given me. I only had one dollar left.

The line on the giant thermometer kept getting higher and higher.

“We have now raised . . . four thousand dollars!” Ms. Sue shouted into her bullhorn.

Everybody went crazy.

8
Getting Desperate

Four thousand dollars seemed like a lot of money to me. But it wasn't enough. We were still a thousand dollars short of our goal, and we were running out of time. It was getting late in the afternoon. People were starting to leave the carnival. It didn't look like we were going to make it.

If we didn't reach five thousand dollars, there would be no new playground equipment. Mr. Klutz would not be spending a night in jail. Bummer in the summer!

“Don't go home, people!” Ms. Sue shouted into her bullhorn. “You need to buy a piece of duct tape first.”

“Why should we buy a piece of duct tape?” somebody asked.

“So we can duct tape Mr. Klutz to the wall,” Ms. Sue replied.

“Huh? What?” asked Mr. Klutz.

Ms. Sue grabbed a roll of duct tape and announced that for a dollar anyone could buy a piece and use it to tape Mr. Klutz to the wall.

“That sounds like fun,” said Ryan.

“Let's do it!” said Michael.

“I always wanted to duct tape Mr. Klutz to a wall,” said Neil the nude kid.

“Uh, okay, I guess,” said Mr. Klutz.

Duct taping the principal to a wall sounded like a weird idea to me. But a whole bunch of people lined up to buy a piece of duct tape. One by one, they put their tape on Mr. Klutz and attached him to the wall of the school.

Soon he was almost completely covered with duct tape. All you could see were Mr. Klutz's mouth and his bald head popping out over the top. He couldn't move. It looked like a turtle was taped to the wall. I had to admit, it was pretty hilarious.

“Now throw Nerf balls at him!” shouted Ms. Sue. “Fifty cents per throw!”

We threw Nerf balls at Mr. Klutz until none of us had any money left.

“We raised another three hundred dollars!” announced Ms. Sue. She put the money into the money box and raised the line on the giant thermometer.

But we still didn't have five thousand dollars. We were seven hundred dollars short. People put away their wallets and started packing up their stuff to go home.

“Wait!” Ms. Sue shouted into the bullhorn. “I have an announcement to make!”

Everybody stopped what they were doing. I looked at Ms. Sue. Alexia looked at Ms. Sue. Mr. Klutz, who was duct taped to the wall, looked at Ms. Sue. Everybody was looking at Ms. Sue. You could hear a pin drop. 

Well, not really, because nobody brought any pins with them. 

Ms. Sue reached into her purse and pulled out her checkbook.

“I'm writing a personal check for seven hundred dollars,” she said.

“What?!” said Mr. Klutz. “You're going to donate your own money?”

“No,” Ms. Sue replied. “The money will come out of my daughter Alexia's college fund.”

WHAT?!

“Gasp!” everybody gasped.

“Mom!” yelled Alexia.

Ms. Sue wrote out a check and went over to give it to Mr. Klutz, who was still duct taped to the wall.

“Don't do it, Mom!” shouted Alexia. “I want to go to college someday!”

“I really don't think it's a good idea for you to raid Alexia's college fund,” said Mr. Klutz.

“The new playground equipment will be enjoyed by hundreds of students,” said Ms. Sue. “The college fund was only for one.”

“But she's your daughter!” shouted Mr. Klutz.

“College isn't for everybody,” said Ms. Sue.

“Your mom is weird,” I whispered to Alexia.

“I told you she goes overboard,” Alexia whispered back.

“She falls out of boats a lot?” I asked.

“No! I already told you! She gets carried away.”

Ms. Sue wanted to put the check in Mr. Klutz's pocket, but he was covered with duct tape. So she tried to stick it in his mouth.

“No! I refuse to accept that check,” said Mr. Klutz, closing his lips so she couldn't put the check in his mouth. “We don't need the playground equipment.”

“Please!” Ms. Sue begged, trying to pry his mouth open with her fingers so she could put the check in it. “Take my daughter's college fund! Don't you care about children?”

Mr. Klutz refused to open his mouth. 

Well, that was that. We weren't going to reach five thousand dollars. That meant no playground equipment. No night in jail for Mr. Klutz.

Finally, Ms. Sue gave up trying to stick the check in Mr. Klutz's mouth. She ripped it into little pieces. Then she fell to her knees and began to cry. It was really sad. Alexia went over to give her a hug.

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

But I'm not going to tell you what it was.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

9
A Surprise Visitor

At that moment, a long, black limousine pulled up to the playground. Everybody stopped to look at it. The door opened. A guy got out.

“Mayor Hubble!” everybody shouted.

Yes, it was Mayor Hubble. He used to be the mayor of our town. But then he got caught stealing money from people and had to go to jail.

“To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?”
*
asked Mr. Klutz, who was still duct taped to the wall. “I thought you were in jail.”

“I got time off for good behavior,” said Mayor Hubble.

Then he reached into his limo and brought out a giant piece of cardboard. It must have been the size of a surfboard.

“WOW,” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down.

“I'd like to make a small donation to the carnival,” Mayor Hubble announced. He handed the giant check to Ms. Sue. She looked like she was going to faint.

“You're giving us . . .
a thousand dollars
?” Ms. Sue said. “I . . . I don't know how to thank you, Mayor.”

“No need to thank me,” said Mayor Hubble. “I feel that it is very important to support our schools, and blah blah blah community blah blah blah children blah blah blah blah blah blah America . . . blah blah blah . . .”

He went on like that for a while. Everybody was crying with joy and taking pictures of Ms. Sue holding the big check. Mayor Hubble went through the crowd passing out buttons and bumper stickers, shaking hands, making peace signs, and kissing babies.

“Hooray for Mayor Hubble!” everybody started shouting. “Mayor Hubble saved the carnival!”

“How do you think he fit that check in his wallet?” I whispered to Ryan.

“He must have a
really
big wallet,” Ryan whispered back.
*