Mrs. Lizzy Is Dizzy! (3 page)

Wednesday was Crazy-Hat Day. Usually we’re not allowed to wear hats in school. We were at recess one day and I asked everybody why.

“Hats might spread germs,” Andrea said.

“Maybe the teachers are afraid we
would hide stuff in our hats,” said Ryan.

“Like what?” asked Michael.

“Like a mouse,” said Neil.

“Who’s gonna hide a mouse in their hat?” I asked.

“A few years ago,” Neil said, “I heard about some kid who hid his mouse in his hat and brought it to school.”

“So just because some weird kid hid his mouse in his hat, that means
nobody
can ever wear hats in school?” I asked. “That doesn’t make sense. What if that kid hid his mouse in his pants? Would they say we can’t wear pants to school? Would we have to come to school in our underwear?”

“Nobody hides mice in their pants, Arlo!” said Andrea.

“Well, nobody hides them in their hat either,” I told her.

Anyway, for Crazy-Hat Day I wore a hat with a little propeller on the top. Michael wore his football helmet. Ryan wore a pirate hat. Neil the nude kid wore an army helmet with leaves attached to it. Andrea wore a hat with pieces of fruit piled on top of it. Emily wore a stuffed animal on her head. Everybody had on crazy hats.

The only bad thing was that it was raining outside. That meant we had to have
indoor recess, in our classroom. Bummer in the summer! Indoor recess is no fun at all because we don’t get to run around.

Mr. Granite told us that Mr. Klutz was going to come and keep an eye on us while he went to the teachers’ lounge to eat lunch. He said we should be on our best behavior while he was gone. So as soon as he left the room, Ryan and I got up and shook our butts at the class. Most of the kids laughed.

My friend Billy who lives around the
corner told me that the teachers’ lounge is a secret, magical world where the teachers play pin the tail on the donkey and swim in hot tubs and watch big-screen TVs. But when I went in there once, the teachers were just sitting around eating lunch. I think maybe they heard I was coming so they quick got rid of the hot tub and the TV so I wouldn’t know they were having so much fun.

While we were waiting for Mr. Klutz to show up, guess who came into our classroom?

It was Mrs. Lizzy!

She was holding an accordion and wearing one of those green Robin Hood hats with a feather sticking out of the top.

“Hi boys and girls!” she said.

“Hi Mrs. Lizzy!”

“Did you wear that for Crazy-Hat Day?” asked Emily.

“No,” she said. “I always wear this hat on Wednesdays.”

“What are you going to teach us today for recess enrichment?” asked Michael.

“Today I’m going to teach you how to yodel,” Mrs. Lizzy said.

“Yodel?” I asked. “What’s that?”

“Yodeling is a kind of singing,” said Little Miss I-Know-Everything. Andrea keeps a dictionary on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is.

“That’s right, Andrea,” said Mrs. Lizzy. “Yodeling was developed in Switzerland as a way for people to communicate on mountain peaks. It sounds like this….
Yo-de-lay-hee-hoo
!”

I never heard anybody sing like
that
before. It was the weirdest kind of singing in the history of the world.

“I can even yodel with my mouth closed,” said Mrs. Lizzy. Then she started yodeling with her mouth closed.

“Mrs. Lizzy, is it really important for us to learn how to yodel?” asked Andrea.

“Sure!” said Mrs. Lizzy. “What if you were on a reality TV show and you had to yodel to win a million dollars. But you didn’t know how. And because you didn’t know how to yodel, you didn’t win a million dollars. That would be a shame. That’s why it’s so important for kids to learn how to yodel.”

Mrs. Lizzy threw back her head and started in yodeling. It sounded like this….
*

Yodeling is weird. Mrs. Lizzy sounded like my dad when he gargles in the morning. We were all giggling and poking each other with our elbows so we wouldn’t laugh.

While Mrs. Lizzy was in the middle of
her yodeling, you’ll never believe who walked into the door.

Nobody, because if you walked into a door it would hurt. But you’ll never believe who walked into the
doorway
.

It was Mr. Klutz!

Mrs. Lizzy looked at Mr. Klutz and stopped in the middle of her yodel. Mr. Klutz looked at Mrs. Lizzy. I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Ryan. Andrea looked at Emily. Everybody was looking at each other. We were all afraid that Mr. Klutz would be mad. It was so quiet in the class, you could hear a pin drop.
*

“Was somebody yodeling in here?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“Yes!” said Ryan. “Mrs. Lizzy is teaching us how to yodel so we can win a million dollars on a reality TV show.”

“I
love
yodeling!” said Mr. Klutz. “In my younger days, I spent a year in the Swiss Alps. I yodeled all the time.”

“You yodeled all the time for a year?” I asked. “Didn’t you get tired?”

“Not at all,” he said. “I love to yodel.”

And then he started in yodeling….

Mr. Klutz started dancing around, clapping his hands, and slapping his knees while he yodeled. We all got up and started dancing around, yodeling, clapping our hands, and slapping our knees. Then Mrs. Lizzy joined in, yodeling, dancing, clapping, and slapping her knees.
Then
she started hitting Mr. Klutz’s head like it was a bongo drum while she yodeled. It was a real Kodak moment.

Does stuff like that happen at
your
school?

Thursday was Crazy-Shoes Day. Neil the nude kid had on army boots. Emily wore her mother’s bunny slippers. I put two old shoe boxes on my feet. Everybody came to school with crazy shoes.

During recess Mrs. Lizzy came to the playground again. She had tennis rackets
strapped to her feet.

“Did you wear those for Crazy-Shoes Day?” we asked her.

“No,” Mrs. Lizzy said. “On Thursdays I always wear tennis rackets on my feet.”

Mrs. Lizzy is dizzy!

“What are you gonna teach us today?” asked Ryan.

“Today I’m going to teach you how to make fart noises with your armpits,” Mrs. Lizzy announced.

What?!
This lady was
cool
!

I already knew how to make fart noises with my armpits.
All
boys know how to do that. But Mrs. Lizzy was
really
good at it. She could even change notes! She played “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on her armpits. It was amazing. You should have been there!

The girls were not impressed with Mrs. Lizzy’s musical-armpit ability.

“That’s gross!” Emily said.

“Why would anyone
ever
need to know how to do that?” asked Andrea.

“Well, what if you were locked in a room,” Mrs. Lizzy asked Andrea, “and you were tied to a chair. And you couldn’t escape no matter how hard you tried. If you could make a fart noise with your armpits, somebody might hear it and send help.”

“Couldn’t I just yell and scream to get help?” Andrea asked.

“Not if they tied a rag over your mouth,” said Mrs. Lizzy. “That’s why it’s so
important for kids to learn how to make fart noises with their armpits.”

“I still say it’s gross,” Emily said.

“We’re not doing that,” said Andrea.

“I just hope you never get locked in a room and tied to a chair with a rag over your mouth,” Mrs. Lizzy told the girls.

Mrs. Lizzy taught the guys and me how to play “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on our armpits. For some of the notes she used the backs of her knees. It was cool. Then Mrs. Lizzy said she had to go but told us to keep practicing our armpit farts if we wanted to get really good at it.

“We will!” we promised. We started practicing right away.

Emily and Andrea said it was gross. They went off to go play on the slide. That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.

“Hey, any time you want girls to go away,” I told the guys, “all you have to do is make armpit farts!”

“You’re right!” Ryan said. “As soon as we started making armpit farts, they left!”

“A.J., you’re a genius!” Michael told me.

“No wonder you’re in the gifted and talented program,” said Neil the nude kid.

I should get the No Bell Prize for figuring out how to get rid of annoying girls. That’s a prize they give to people who don’t have bells.