Mr. Wonderful Lies (11 page)

“You don’t think you’re good enough.” His voice was so low I barely caught his words.

“What are you talking about?”

“What you just said, about women throwing themselves at me? Are you trying to tell me that you don’t think you can compete with them? That a sexy, attractive guy who loved you would be distracted or lured away by one of those women?”

I had been, but I hated the way he’d phrased it. As if I thought I was inferior. Did I think that? Was that why Ollie was safe? Because he wasn’t the type that would attract a lot of other female attention?

Horrified at myself and my thoughts, I turned away from Jared and pressed my hands against my flaming face. How could I think about Ollie like that? Friendly, understanding Ollie who maybe didn’t look like Jared, but didn’t deserve any less in the way of admiration.

“You see everybody else so clearly, Megan. Why can’t you see yourself the way I do?”

I barely registered his words. I was sinking into a well of self-doubt, wondering if I was following this path because I was falling in love with Ollie or because I was running from something else. How could everything I believed about myself be so wrong?

“Megan, turn around. Don’t hide from me.”

I thought about that day, in the cellar, when I’d been so frightened by the strange thoughts tumbling through my head concerning Jared. He was my friend. I didn’t have a lot of friends, that’s not the way I’m wired. Was anything worth risking that friendship with him?

His gentle grip settled on my arm, forcing me to turn and face him. I tried to keep my face averted, but he gently put his thumb beneath my chin, giving me no choice but to meet his deep, blue gaze. For the first time in forever, I allowed myself to really look at him.

Jared Walker is intense. There’s really no other word for it. At first glance he’s all rippling muscle and tanned skin wrapped into an athletic package that stands just shy of six feet tall. But if that’s all you see when you look at him, you’re missing some of the best parts. Like the way his eyebrows give life to his expressions, the elegant arches lifting in question or angling to show off his wicked sense of humor. Or the way he grits his teeth when he’s thinking and the muscles in his jaw jump around. And he has the sexiest mouth of any man I’ve ever seen, the kind of mouth you dream about kissing if you’re brave enough.

“I asked Anna to bring you to the gym that very first time, Megan,” Jared admitted quietly. “She talked nonstop about this wonderful friend she’d made, a straight shooter who always made her laugh and whose loyalty was just as stubborn as her personality. So I told her I had to meet this girl.”

I swallowed, my throat thick and fuzzy as I watched the emotions fly over his features. His hand shifted, his forefinger keeping me from looking away, and his thumb gently stroking the line of my jaw. Chills raced over my skin at the light contact.

“The first time we talked, I didn’t know what to think.” He smiled at the memory. “You weren’t like any other woman I’d ever met. It was obvious the gym thing wasn’t really your scene, but that didn’t stop you. You found what you liked about it and you were happy to share that with Anna and me. You insinuated yourself right into our lives and made things better when I hadn’t even realized how much they were lacking. Your sense of humor is incredible. You’re not afraid of anything and you’re always ready to help out a friend.”

How could he be so deluded? I was scared of everything! More than anything else right then, I was scared of him.

A shadow touched his face. “I’ve watched you go through some pretty bad relationships. For years I’d wish you the best of happiness and hope that I could at least be there if you got hurt. And there were a few times I stepped in when I thought things got out of hand. I kept thinking it was nothing that any other friend wouldn’t do.”

He was going to start in on hating Ollie. I suddenly realized that this was where he was going with this entire, lengthy, uncomfortable conversation. He agreed with Anna that Ollie was bad for me, and he was about to say so. That’s why Anna hadn’t showed up this morning. She was going to give Jared a chance to convince me that Ollie was Satan in disguise. Adrenaline began winding its way into my bloodstream. I was getting really tired of this argument.

Something shifted between us. I couldn’t have said what it was, but the atmosphere turned electric. Awareness crackled in the air, and Jared’s face grew tight with emotion I didn’t understand. My chest heaved, my heart pumping as if I’d run a mile on the treadmill. My palms began to sweat and I rubbed them restlessly against my jeans.

“You’re beautiful inside and out, Megan. You need to know that,” Jared murmured, closing his eyes briefly. “And I’ve wanted to do this for so long.”

Everything around us slowed as I realized he was going to kiss me. I don’t know when it became inevitable or why I didn’t try to stop him. I’d expected us to argue, but his lips descended on mine and I was swept away.

Heat built inside me, every inhibition falling away as Jared flooded my senses. His familiar scent filled me with comfort, shifting in my mind to blend with the spicy taste of his kisses. My hands had been hanging loose at my sides, but without conscious decision, my arms wound about his shoulders and my fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck. I pulled him closer, wanting more, needing him to fill me with something I didn’t understand.

He complied, arms sliding around my body and pulling me tight against his warm, supple frame. His mouth opened, tongue slipping between my lips to slide against mine in a maddening rhythm I couldn’t get enough of. He was warm and soft, fire and heat and desire all wrapped into one.

His hands moved. One tangled in my curls and the other slipped down my back to cup my backside, holding me powerless against him. My senses broadened, becoming slowly aware of other things as his tongue retreated from my mouth and his lips skimmed my jaw to the hollow beneath my ear. We fit so perfectly, my hips against his, a growing hardness between our bodies beginning to burn with the contact.

Jared kissed my neck, his mouth trailing wet kisses down the column of my throat. My head lolled back, my body demanding he continue and my brain too stunned to protest. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, but I wanted it, and him, more than I had ever known.

I don’t know what would have happened if my phone hadn’t interrupted us. Ollie’s Marimba shattered the mood and made me leap out of Jared’s embrace. I fumbled for the phone, unable to meet Jared’s eyes.

“Hey baby, I’m missing you,” Ollie purred in my ear.

Tears stung my eyes. What was I doing? Was I no better than Professor Jackass to be with one and then the other as if I were the player? “Hey Ollie, how was your trip?”

“It’s family, baby, you know how that goes.”

“Are you home yet?”

“No, not until late tonight, but I’m wishing I’d taken you with me. Nothing sounds better than a few hours in the car chatting live with Megan. Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?”

Jared stood half a dozen paces away, an unreadable expression on his face as he listened to my side of the conversation. I had to make him understand that this was a onetime thing, a mistake. I couldn’t let him think I was interested in him like this. He was my friend and I didn’t want to lose that. “Actually, why don’t I cook for you tomorrow night at my place?”

There was a short pause on Ollie’s end and then, “Are you sure?”

“Of course.” I wasn’t but I wasn’t going to tell Ollie and Jared that.

“That would be wonderful, Megan, really special. Thanks. What time can I come over?”

“Right after work?”

Another pause. “I’ve got a few errands to run after work. How about eight o’clock or so?”

“Sounds great. I’ll see you then.” I hung up the phone, aware that my goodbye hadn’t held its usual warmth and wondering if Ollie had noticed.

There was an awkward silence between Jared and me. The day’s brightness seemed to fade a little and the breeze took on a chill. I wondered if my mood could actually affect the weather or if we were just in for the usual lightning quick change.

“Megan.” There was an agonized look on his handsome face.

“Don’t,” I told him, holding up a hand. “Don’t make excuses.”

He took a breath to say something else, but I didn’t want to wait. I didn’t want to hear his explanations or his regrets. It was hard enough already when I couldn’t understand my own feelings. I didn’t want to know anything about his.

“I need to go.” I turned and walked blindly away.

I kept going, watching my Docs as they crunched down the gravel walkway and then turned onto the sidewalk. I kept my eyes down, seeing the pavement shift to blacktop and then back as I crossed streets on my way back to the safety of my townhouse.

How could things have gotten so out of hand so quickly? Worse still, how was I supposed to make them go back to the way they were?

If you aren’t a natural people pleaser, you won’t understand how difficult it is to have friction between you and your friends. I can’t stand to leave things unfinished or unsettled or to feel like the people who mean the most in my life are unhappy with me. It’s why I let Anna boss me around sometimes and why I always try to support my friends no matter what they do. And truthfully, it’s why I desperately want their approval. Making the people close to me happy is what makes me happy. It’s just the way I’m wired.

So, with that in mind, you might be able to imagine how horrible I felt after leaving Jared alone in the park. But I didn’t know how to fix that situation. I didn’t know what I could do to make it better. I didn’t even know what it was that had happened between us. How had we gone from discussing our life problems to kissing in the park?

I spent Sunday afternoon curled up in my overstuffed armchair with a thick blanket. It was my favorite place to think. Dressed in an old pair of yoga pants and an oversized hoodie, I stared at the faded wood floor and watched the strips of sunlight grow longer as the clock on the wall ticked off the minutes.

I felt wrung out and couldn’t understand how I’d gotten that way. Things were supposed to be better. I’d gotten through that damned anniversary and decided to kick start my life again. I’d taken the first step, reached out and met someone wonderful. Sure, Ollie and I hadn’t started out in the conventional way, but this wasn’t the eighties or even the nineties. You could order pizza online, why shouldn’t it be possible to meet your soul mate that way too?

Then there was Jared. Was I even ready to try and decipher that disaster? I’d always hidden behind my list of reasons he was undateable. I’d felt safe and happy in the knowledge that while he was way out of my league, we were still really close friends. Why wouldn’t I be happy with that? I knew him better by being his friend than any of the women he’d dated ever had. Was knowing him so well the thing that had blurred the line between friends and something more?

Around and around inside my head, like a carousel out of control that I couldn’t step off of. Ollie or Jared, Jared or Ollie. Was I even crazy to think that there was a choice involved?

Jared had accused me of having what amounted to an inferiority complex. Was that why I’d chosen to meet someone online? Had I been hoping they would see the person inside first before getting a good look at the whole package? Was that really what I’d done?

My hands clenched involuntarily and I stared at them, thinking back over the years at the relationships I always found myself getting in and out of. I dated solid, steady, pretty average-looking guys. Anna was the one who dated the flashy, tall dark and handsome men who looked like they’d just walked off the cover of GQ.

Why was that? Sure, Anna was a shameless extrovert and beautiful to boot. But did that really bother me? I was almost the opposite, shy, quiet and introverted without any desire to be the center of attention. I didn’t want a flashy guy. I just wanted someone who loved me. I didn’t want to spend my whole life feeling as if every other woman in the room was staring at my guy. I didn’t need that kind of trouble.

It hit me all at once like a sucker punch. Just because a guy looked like a flashy extrovert didn’t mean he was. Jared was trying to tell me that he was tired of people thinking that’s who he was. He wanted to be loved for who he was inside, not what people saw when they looked at him. Jared was sexy and attractive, but he wanted someone different, someone like…me.

* * *

Sunday nights at the gym aren’t crowded. I parked my car in a spot right outside and pushed my way through the front doors, still uncertain why I was there. The desk was deserted and Jared’s office was empty. I was glad. Any excuse to put off contact between Jared and me was a welcome one.

I pushed my way into the locker room while trying to settle on one of the million or so reasons I’d given myself for being there. It was warm inside, familiar. I spun the combo on my locker and set my hobo bag on the shelf. I stared at the jumbled assortment of workout clothes, waffling back and forth. Which would it be; the dogged numbness of the treadmill or the cool kiss of the water in the pool?

Part of me wanted to find Jared, to demand an explanation for what had happened earlier in the park. The rest of me wanted nothing to do with any explanation, afraid that I might not like it. So, going with the majority of my emotions, I dug my swimsuit out of the pile.

I glanced furtively around the empty locker room even though I didn’t see or hear anyone. Shucking out of my clothes with as much speed as I could muster, I grabbed at my swimsuit and pulled it on. If you’ve ever tried to put on a bathing suit quickly you know it’s not an easy job, but I managed. My distaste for being naked in a wide-open locker room sometimes conflicts with my laziness about lugging my stuff back and forth to a dressing room.

Just as I settled the straps on my shoulders, Hungry pushed her way into the locker room. I could not have been more relieved. Of all the people I wanted walking in and catching me trying to stuff myself into my bathing suit, Hungry was at the bottom of my list. Reaching for my towel, I gave her a once over from the corner of my eye. She was dressed in street clothes, but what struck me as odd was that she was alone. I almost never saw her without Desperate.

I can safely say that Hungry has never looked at me in anything that might be construed as friendliness, but there was a decided chill to her expression that evening. Her pinched face and dark eyes were almost hostile. Something else about her that evening struck me as odd until I realized that her blue contacts were gone, replaced with rimless glasses. I honestly thought the switch was rather flattering to her, but she didn’t look as if she’d welcome my opinion on the subject. Not even bothering with the pretense of a polite nod, I exited the locker room for the natatorium.

The warm, humid air embraced me when I entered. I set my towel on a deck chair and kicked off my flip-flops. The blue water was unbelievably inviting, especially in light of the inner battle my head had been waging with my heart all day. I wanted this respite from my personal life. I needed it.

Technically we’re supposed to wear a swim cap in the pool. Men aren’t required to, just women. Anna and I have told Jared multiple times that this is sexist, as some men use more hair product than any woman, and most of them are in the process of going bald, so they lose more hair too. That argument usually gets a grin out of him, but he never enforces the rule, so it’s sort of a moot point anyway.

I could care less about the swim cap thing, except that trying to stuff all of my long, curly hair into a tiny piece of rubber is like trying to fit an elephant in a Prius. Of course, swimming with my hair loose doesn’t work either, if I ever want to comb it again, so over the years I’ve settled for a braid and left it at that. It only took a few moments to plait my hair before diving into the 10 foot end of the pool.

I can still remember the very first time I went under water as a little kid. It was terrifying and fascinating all at once. The muted noises and the liquid freedom that comes with the water are intoxicating. I felt as if all of my worries and insecurities were left above the surface. Reaching out my arms and kicking my feet, I propelled myself through the cool water until a burning sensation in my lungs forced me up for air. Settling into my usual pace, I began a series of freestyle laps.

When I lost track of how many times I’d crisscrossed the pool, it occurred to me that I’d been slacking off on my swimming lately. The trembling in my muscles and the lightheaded sensation were dead giveaways. I knew why. I’d been spending a good chunk of my time chatting online or on the phone with Ollie. It was always that way when I was deep into a relationship. It had been the same during my eight-and-a-half-month relationship with Professor Jackass.

I stopped swimming, turning over and floating on my back in the pool. There were eight lights hanging overhead, huge bulbous things leftover from the old apartment building days. I’d teased Jared once about cleaning them by filling the pool with Windex and just dipping them in. Now I squinted my eyes to make them blur together in streaks while I bobbed aimlessly in the water.

Why did I do that? Why did I allow my relationships to take over my life? Professor Jackass had been obsessed with museums, and while we were dating, I had visited every single museum in the St Louis area, and there are a lot of them. We even have a Dog Museum. I’ve been there twice.

On the flipside, Professor Jackass had never come to the gym with me. I couldn’t even remember if I’d even asked him. Why not? Why wouldn’t I want to do the things with my significant other that I did all the time with my friends?

I sank farther into the water, wondering if Ollie liked to swim, or take walks or ride a bike. Would he do those things with me if I asked him to? Did I want him to do those things with me? Why wouldn’t I if I were seriously considering a long-term relationship with him? How come all of this stuff was so damned complicated?

I pulled myself to the edge of the pool and heaved out of the water. I flashed back to Jared’s graceful exit from the pool the other day and chuckled out loud. I’d never be that coordinated. Water seeped out of my suit and ran in rivers from my braid. I left a trail of drips all the way over to my towel.

I wrung out my fat braid until it was a few pounds lighter before drying my face, shoulders and arms. Then I wrapped the fluffy white towel around my body. The towels had been one of Anna’s most emphatic suggestions for Jared about the locker room renovations. He’d taken her advice, though I don’t think he totally understood the draw of a great big fluffy towel.

My feet found their way into my flip-flops and I headed for the steps. I felt better. I didn’t have all the answers; I wasn’t stupid enough to think that I ever would. And I didn’t have a clue as to what I was supposed to do with this strange thing that had happened between Jared and me. But I knew I had to talk to him. And I needed to talk to Ollie as well. I needed to nail him down and get some answers about what we were going to become if we continued to be a couple.

My teeth were chattering by the time I managed to slip out of my swimsuit and pull on my clothes. Not even the radiant heat in the tile floor could alleviate the chill that settled into my bones. Not in the mood to tangle with my messy hair, I ignored my braid. Pulling on my sweatshirt, I left the hood up and grabbed my hobo bag. I wanted nothing more than to go home, take a warm bath, and snuggle into bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a book. Tomorrow would be soon enough to deal with everything else in my life. I needed a night to relax and get myself together.

The gym was empty. The huge round clock on the back wall read ten minutes to eight. I hadn’t realized it was so late. I glanced around instinctively for Jared, knowing he’d be getting ready to close and not sure if I wanted to see him or not.

I’d almost made it to the front doors when I heard voices. Curious, but not wanting to be obvious, I slowed my steps and looked around from the anonymous safety of my oversized hood. A woman’s sob caught me completely off guard and I pushed my hood back and dropped any pretense of indifference.

Jared’s office was located right behind the front desk, his door only a few steps away from where I was standing. Shifting to my left, I could see him inside with someone. It took me a moment to recognize Hungry. Stunned to find them alone together, I didn’t even bother to feel bad about my eavesdropping.

“You can’t mean that, Jared!” Hungry was trying to reach for him.

Jared stepped back, holding up his hands. “I told you it was over.”

“But I left to be with you!”

“Don’t you put that on me, Gillian, you had other reasons, and you know it. I told you long before you left that there was no chance.”

“But the other day…” She pressed her hands to her mouth. “You asked me.”

“That’s my job, Gillian. I didn’t do it out of a personal interest in you.”

“Because of her? Is that why? That’s when you stopped loving me! When she came here!”

Her accusation brought me forcefully aware of my intrusion. My heart was thundering in my chest so loudly that I was shocked they couldn’t hear it. Hungry, whose name was apparently Gillian, had mentioned to her friend the other day that she thought Jared was coming around. Was this what they were arguing about? Was Gillian the woman Anna had been hinting at with her growing pains speech? Gillian? Had Jared been seeing her all this time even when he’d been kissing me in the park just hours ago?

Every ounce of peace I’d gained from my swim drained out of my mind and body. My muscles clenched and my throat closed as I fought the urge to cry like a baby. What the hell was wrong with everybody?

“Well screw you, Jared Walker!” Gillian and Jared were still having their little lovers’ spat. She flung a pile of papers at him and stormed from the office. I froze as she stopped about two feet from where I was standing, her angry face scorching me with its intensity.

“Oh perfect, at least now the cat is out of the bag,” she snarled. “Aren’t you just the luckiest bitch on the planet? Does it make you feel special that high and mighty Jared Walker can break up a marriage and then throw away his prize just because precious little princess Megan arrives on the scene?”