Mr. Right (18 page)

E
van

I never knew that waiting for someone to arrive could be so nerve-wracking. I never knew that I could feel such excitement and fear at the same time. I’d never considered myself an anxious person. Never thought that I could be someone who would have my feelings dictated by someone else, but waiting for Jess to arrive at the park so that we could talk made me feel nervous as heck. I wasn’t sure what she was expecting. I wasn’t sure what she was going to say. If she still hated me. If she never wanted to see me again after today. Maybe she hated me already. It had taken her over a week to respond to my message. A week that had left me feeling like I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life if she didn’t want to respond. I felt gutted inside, gutted and nervous and guilty as heck. I had no idea what she was going to say or how she was going to react. I had no idea what she was going to think. I had no idea what I even wanted. I mean, in my heart of hearts, I knew, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. How could I admit it to myself? How could I want something with her after everything I’d done? It also wasn’t in my nature to want a relationship. I wasn’t sure I was the sort of guy who could be a good boyfriend. I wasn’t sure that I was the sort of guy who could make her happy, at the end of the day. I wasn’t sure she’d ever really trust me. And why would she? I wasn’t a good guy. I wasn’t someone that I’d want her to date. Though I didn’t want her to date anyone else. It killed me to think that perhaps she was dating someone else. It killed me that maybe she’d kissed someone else. I couldn’t even think about her sleeping with someone else. I’d kill him. I sighed. My stomach was in knots as I stood there. I was annoyed at myself that I’d played the games with her. Killed me that I’d hurt her by saying I was dating other girls and texting other women as if she didn’t matter. The fact of the matter was that I hadn’t seen anyone else since I’d met her. Hadn’t wanted to see anyone. Hadn’t wanted to kiss another woman. Hadn’t even thought of another woman like that. But she wasn’t to know that. I could barely believe it myself, and I knew that Pierce was disgusted with me. But much in the way that I was disgusted with him. I couldn’t believe that we’d been friends for such a long time. I couldn’t believe that we’d been such assholes. Now that I was finally over those games, I realized how immature and hurtful we’d really been. I felt ashamed of myself and I felt ashamed that I’d taught my fraternity brothers those tricks as well. We were disrespectful to women and I couldn’t believe that I actually believed that now. I knew that no one else wanted to hear about it. I knew that Pierce thought I was a fool and he didn’t even know how badly I had fallen for Jess. He didn’t even know that a part of me thought that I might be in love with her, but that was because a part of me didn’t even want to recognize that as a possibility. How could I have fallen in love with this woman that I barely knew? It was like a punishment for being such a horrible human being.

“Hi.” Her voice, soft, was right in front of me. I looked up and stared into her big brown eyes.

“Hi,” I said back to her, feeling a wash of emotions in my stomach that I had never felt before. “How are you?” I asked her, staring into her eyes, wondering what she was feeling, feeling more insecure about meeting with a woman than I’d ever felt in my life.

“I’m good. How are you?” She gave me a small smile, the emotion not quite reaching her eyes, which I noticed looked bloodshot and red.

“Pretty good,” I lied, wanting to tease her and say something to make the situation less awkward but not knowing what to say. What could I say in this situation to make it better?

“Good.” She nodded her head and looked away. She was playing with her shirt and I could tell she was nervous. I wondered if she could tell how nervous I was as well. Wondered if she knew that I’d spent the last month feeling like shit and wondering how she was doing.

“You’re looking well,” I said to her as I looked over her body, my body feeling warm and my mind wanting to know if another man had touched her since she’d last been with me.

“Thanks, you too,” she said as she glanced at me again and looked me over. “You got a haircut?”

“Yeah.” I nodded.

“It makes you look younger,” she said and gave me a small smile. “No one would ever guess you were old enough to be Pierce’s dad, ever.” She laughed as she gazed at me and shook her head. “I honestly would never have guessed.”

“Yeah,” I said and I took a deep breath. “I need to talk to you about that.”

“Oh?” She cocked her head to the side and looked at me curiously. “What did you want to talk about? Not Pierce again?”

“No, well, kinda.” I made a face and she looked annoyed. I put my hand up and sighed. “It’s not what you think. I need to tell you some stuff.”

“Oh?” She licked her lips nervously. “What do you need to tell me??”

“This is going to be hard,” I said and let out a deep breath. “Shall we take a walk?”

“I guess.” She shrugged, looking confused. “If that’s what you want?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “It might come out easier.”

“Okay,” she said and we started walking in silence. I stared at the pebbles in front of me and wondered why it was so hard for me to bring everything up. I just needed to get it out.

“First off, I need to apologize for our last meeting. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry about the words that I said. I was mean and I hate that I was that person to you.”

“It’s okay,” she said softly, and I shook my head.

“No, it wasn’t. I read your email. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you didn’t matter. I’m sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t care. I’m sorry that I put you in that mental state.”

“It’s fine.” She shrugged. “It was my own fault. You were right. I needed to just start dating. I needed to put myself out there. I was too reliant on you and being with you and that wasn’t fair to you. That wasn’t fair to have those expectations of you. I’m sorry for wanting more from you than you were willing to give.”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be that man for you,” I said, starting to feel annoyed. “So are you dating someone now?”

“I’m going on dates, yes,” she said softly, and I felt my heart drop and I could feel my stomach churning.

“Oh?” That was not the answer that I’d wanted to hear. I wanted to ask what sort of dates and how serious. And what they’d done and if she cared about them. I wanted to know if she thought of me when she kissed them, but I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t really want to know the answers. I didn’t want to hear that she was kissing them and not thinking of them. I didn’t want to hear that she was interested in someone else. I didn’t want to know. Not if the answer was something that would make me feel like shit.

“That’s not why you wanted to meet though?” She licked her lips nervously, and I took a deep breath.

“No, it’s not. Want to sit?” I pointed to a patch of grass to the right of us and then looked over at her.

“Sure.” She nodded and we walked over to the grass and sat down and faced each other.

“So…” I said, and my voice drifted off.

“So…” she said, staring at me, her face a mask.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” I started again and then started to laugh. My frat brothers would not believe the guy sitting here on the grass with Jess. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t unsure of myself. I wasn’t uncomfortable. I was never at a loss for words. Especially not with women. I was the king with women. I had the gift of gab. I knew exactly what to say and when. I knew exactly what they wanted. My frat brothers used to come to me when they wanted help bagging a girl. I was the man. I had no idea when now I couldn’t get the words out at all. I had no idea why I felt like I was going to mess everything up if I said the wrong words.

“Yeah, it has.” She nodded and looked away from me.

“So, I need to tell you something really important,” I started again. “Something that might make you hate me even more than you already hate me. Something that might make you think I’m a jerk. Or a bastard. Or whatever. And you wouldn’t be wrong for having those feelings. I just want you to know that I’m ashamed of myself. Before I even say anything, before I tell you everything, I want you to know that I’m ashamed of myself. I regret everything, and if I could take it back I would. I truly would.”

“You’re scaring me, Evan.” She looked worried and I saw her playing with her fingers again. “What do you have to tell me? Are you dying?”

“No, I’m not dying.” I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then took a deep breath and looked at her. “Jess, I’m not Pierce’s dad. I’m not his real dad. I’m not his stepdad. I’m not related to him at all. I’m not even old enough to be his dad.”

“What?” Her eyes widened as she gazed at me. “What are you saying?” Her mouth fell open and she looked like she was about to have a heart attack.

“Pierce and I were fraternity brothers. I was a few years ahead of him.” I looked at her and made a face. “We were the typical immature drunk frat boys and we played a lot of games with a lot of girls with women and pulled a lot of tricks and pranks and well…” My voice trailed off. I wasn’t sure how to continue. I didn’t want to say the words out loud. I didn’t want to tell her
and we pranked you
.

“Well, what?” She blinked at me and I could see her thinking hard.

“Jess,” I said and sighed, “I don’t know what…” My voice trailed off again.

“So this was a game to you?” She frowned. “All of this? Everything has been a game from the beginning?” She ran her hands across her eyebrows and rubbed her forehead. “From the very beginning? So you’ve never been Pierce’s dad? You being in the apartment that day? Flirting with me? Was that part of the setup? Was that when it started?”

“That was part of the setup.” I nodded. “That wasn’t when it started, though.”

“That wasn’t when it started?” Her voice trailed off. “What? When did it start, then?” Her eyes widened. “It started at the club, didn’t it? When he came over to me?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and pursed my lips. “I’m sorry.”

“But Linda…” Her voice trailed off. “How did you get his mom to pretend you were the dad as well?”

“Linda was a paid actress,” I said softly. “I’m sorry, Jess.”

“This whole thing was a sick joke. This whole thing. Oh, my God.” She looked at me with a hurt expression. “I can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t believe this whole thing has been a lie. This whole time. How could you do this to me? I thought I was in love with you. I thought you could be the one. You had me questioning everything about myself. You had me thinking I was going crazy. You had me in tears. You had me thinking that I was a really bad person. How could you do that to me? How could you do that to any human being? How could you just not care?”

“I do care about you, Jess. It killed me inside, but I just didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to tell you that we’d lied. It just all felt like it was too much and that it was too late. I didn’t want you to hate me. I didn’t want you to think I was a horrible man. I knew I was playing with fire and I told myself that it was okay. I told myself that we both knew the score. And if we were both on the same page, it would be okay. I told myself that we could have fun and neither one of us would get hurt.”

“But I did get hurt. You crushed me, Evan. You made me feel like shit. You made me feel like I almost ruined a family. You made me feel like some sort of sicko. And then you just ditched me and made me feel like it was all my fault. How could you do that to me?”

“I’m so sorry, Jess. I don’t know what to say. It was all fucked from the beginning. I messed up. I’m an asshole. I know that. I’m a jerk. I deserve to be hated. I didn’t want for you to fall for me. I knew I wasn’t good enough for you from the beginning. I knew that. I knew that I could never be the man that you wanted me to be. I wanted to make sure that you left me. I wanted it to be on your terms. I wanted you to feel empowered. But I think I ended up hurting you more. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I played those games. I’m sorry that I made you think I was seeing other women. I never met another woman. I never dated another woman. I was doing that so you would get mad and hate me. I wanted you to hate me. I needed you to hate me. I needed for you to walk away because I was scared.”

“Scared of what?” Her voice was tinged with sarcasm and hurt.

“I was scared of getting hurt.”

“Hurt by who?” She was getting angrier. “All you cared about was getting laid and tricking me. Ugh, when I think of all the bullshit you put me through. All those conversations? How could you? I just don’t get it. How could you?”

“Jess.” I moved closer to her. “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to make you feel bad in any way. You have to know that. Yes, in the beginning, I didn’t care. I didn’t know you. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was just playing a game with my friend. A game we always played. That was my life. You have to understand that. It was never personal to you. And then I got to know you and I realized you were special. Really special. And I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Okay.” She shrugged. “Is that it? Any other lies you want to tell me about, or can I go?”

“You want to go?”

“What else do we have to say, Evan?” She shrugged again. “Alyssa was right about you. You’re just an asshole.”

“I’d like to think I could change her mind about that,” I tried to joke, but Jess didn’t laugh.

“What else do you want, Evan?” She glared at me.

“I’d like to think that we could move past this?”

“You want to be my friend?” She burst out laughing hysterically. “Are you fucking kidding? Do you really think that I want to be friends with you? Do you think that that’s ever going to happen? You played me. You make me feel sick to my stomach. I want nothing to do with you.”

“Jess.” I grabbed a hold of her hand, my heart beating fast, and I knew that I had never felt more worried or scared in my life. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get that.” She pulled her hand away from me. “Hopefully you won’t do this to another girl in the future.”