Mr. Right (16 page)

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Evan touched me lightly on the shoulder and I looked over at him.

“Nothing, why?”

“You went quiet.” His eyes looked down at my face and he looked concerned.

“I’m fine.” I shrugged. “I didn’t have much to say. You were busy texting.”

“I’m sorry I can’t stay over tonight. I have things to do.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Sorry, I’m a busy guy.” He looked annoyed. “I can’t be with you all the time.”

“I don’t expect you to be with me all the time. I barely see you.”

“I see you a lot. I probably see you more than I see most other people.”

“Cool,” I said and looked away from him.

“I told you not to get too invested in me, Jess.” He sighed. “I give you as much as I can.”

“I know and I’m not.” I jumped up off of the couch. “Do you want a drink? I’m going to the kitchen now.”

“No, I’m good.” He shook his head and I could feel his eyes on me as I walked out of the room.

I tried not to cry as I reached the kitchen. I tried not to break down. It was my own fault that I was hurt. It wasn’t like we’d had a great start. I’d never thought he was some great guy. I should have known that everything was going to be complicated. I mean, yes, it had been fun for a bit, but really what did that mean? I should have known nothing fun and exciting lasts for long. I mean, why would it? This is life and my life has never gone smoothly. And it’s not Evan’s fault I had fallen for him hook, line, and sinker. It wasn’t his fault he was all I could think about. It wasn’t his fault I now noticed all of the women that he hit on every time we were out. It was like bloody clockwork. Every time a girl walked by, his eyes would rush to them so he could check them out. Every single time. It didn’t matter what the girl looked like, but the prettier they were the longer his eyes would remain on them, and then he would look back at me like it was nothing, like he wasn’t ripping my heart. Like I wasn’t jealous of every single girl that he checked out. I pretended it didn’t make me feel inferior. I pretended jealousy didn’t strike through my heart every single time. It was my own fault. I deserved to be jealous and upset and insecure after what I’d done. I’d slept with my boyfriend’s dad. I mean, it wasn’t like I’d known at the time. It wasn’t like I’d known anything. But that didn’t excuse it. Because I had thought that Evan was Pierce’s friend and so even if I hadn’t known their exact relationship, I did know they knew each other. And even if they hadn’t known each other, it still would have been shady. I mean technically I cheated on my boyfriend, even though I’d never personally cared for Pierce in that way and hadn’t really considered him my boyfriend. I mean technically that didn’t count because I’d never alerted Pierce to that fact. And now here I was, scorned by Pierce and dating a man who drove me crazy and I couldn’t even say anything because I didn’t want him to think I
was
crazy. He hadn’t promised me anything. In fact our whole dynamic had been built upon a dangerous flirtation. Maybe he wasn’t even interested now that he had me and that danger was gone. Though it surprised me that he’d been willing to go through all of this just for some sex. I mean, I’d been his son’s girlfriend. In reality
he
was really the shady one. Though in reality he was the one I wanted. Badly. I think I know the exact moment I lost the upper hand in the relationship. I know the exact moment I realized that perhaps I wasn’t going to have a fairytale ending. It was really a simple thing. It shouldn’t have meant anything, but it did. It was when I saw him using a new handkerchief. I’d noticed that he’d been using the one he’d taken from me in our first meeting consistently. Every single time I saw him, he had that handkerchief. It symbolized something to me, made me think that perhaps I was someone special. And then, then one day I noticed him using a different handkerchief, one that had his initials monogrammed in navy blue in the corners. And when I saw that, my heart dropped. It dropped into my stomach and I knew then that I was much more invested in this whole thing than he was. I knew then that he meant something really special to me. Who knew that a handkerchief could make me feel so much? It was so hard for me to understand why he had stopped using the handkerchief I’d given him. But now I realized that it hadn’t meant anything in the first place. Much like everything else. I had built it all up in my head. All in my head. And now I was driving myself crazy. Because I was crazy. I was an idiot. And now I was paying the price.

“
T
hanks for making dinner
. It’s delicious.” Evan’s face looked relaxed as he ate the lasagna I’d made. I wondered if he’s just counting down the hours until he can leave and go and be with the other woman. I wanted to ask him why he’s here. What he wants from me. Why he’s playing me. But I don’t.

“Glad you like it.”

“It’s great. Maybe one of the best lasagna’s I’ve ever had.”

“That sounds like a lie.” I laughed, though the comment warmed me. I wish now that the saying about food being the way to a man’s heart was true.

“Would I lie?” He says as he stuffs another forkful into his mouth. “Actually don’t answer that.” I stare at for a few seconds wanting to ask him what he wants from me. And what he wants me to say? What does he want from us spending time together? But I don’t. I’m scared of the answer. I’m scared that it’ll confirm to me that I should walk away. And I’m scared because I don’t think that I can.

“What no answer?” he said and then I watched as he put his fork down on his plate and cleared his throat. I stared at him, with my eyes burning into his. My stomach started to do flip-flops and I could feel myself growing cold. Colder than I’d ever been before in my life. There’s a cold before the heat. There’s a heat before the burning. And then it all goes cold again. My body changes temperatures and I feel numb. He’s sitting across the table from me and all I can think about is the fact that he doesn’t love me like I love him. In fact, he doesn’t care at all. I know he doesn’t care. I know he will never care. I know that my heart is destined to remain broken forever and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this feeling. I don’t feel like there will ever be a brighter day. I feel as if I’m going to be forever broken and I don’t know how to get over it. He’s the love of my life. When I look into his eyes, I feel at home, I feel a sense of kinship. I feel something that I’ve never felt before. Yet, somehow he doesn’t seem to feel it. He doesn’t get it. Or me. He will never get me or love me the way I love him and that makes me doubt absolutely everything about myself. There are days I wake up and I just want to die. There are days that I feel I will never be able to live the life I want if he can’t reciprocate my feelings. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense to me. He’s all I’ve ever prayed for. He’s all I’ve ever wanted, and yet, it’s not enough. I’m not enough. Sitting across the table from him, pretending that I’m okay, is killer. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to shed so many tears. It makes me want to beg him, plead with him, grab him. I just want to know why? I just want to understand. I know the only way I’m going to get over this and him is to cut him out of my life completely. I know the only way my heart will heal will be if I never see him again. I can’t see him. I can’t touch him. I can’t smell him. I can’t talk to him. It’s all too much. It’s too hard. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to survive without him in my life, but I don’t know if I can keep on living like this, with him dictating every emotion in my body.

“What are you thinking about?” His words interrupt my thoughts and I look up at him with a small smile.

“Not much, you?” I said, hoping my voice wasn’t going to crack. “Just waiting to see what you were going to say.”

“Just thinking about how I’d love to take a trip somewhere.”

“Oh?” I said, wondering if he was going to mention taking me on the trip with him. I could feel my heart starting to rise. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the moment.

“Yeah, I feel like I need a break.” He nodded. “Someplace for me to just relax.” He grinned. “A relaxation vacation.”

“Aww, I see. Sounds nice.” My heart dropped again. It didn’t seem like he was making a suggestion for the both of us.

“Yeah.” He nodded again. “You should try it sometime. You might find you like it as well. Might make you feel less stressed out.”

“Yeah, I will,” I said, trying to look normal. “I’m not stressed out, by the way.”

“Well, you seem to be stressed out.” He gave me a look. “Maybe a vacation will do you good.”

“Yeah,” I snapped, “I will think about it.” I was starting to feel angry, at both him and myself for letting him put me through this.

“Hey, no need to snap my head off.”

“I’m not. It’s fine. I’m just tired. Maybe you should go soon.”

“Are you asking me to leave?”

“Yeah, I kinda am,” I said, looking away from him, starting to feel cold again. I didn’t want to feel this feeling. I didn’t want to feel this hurt. I didn’t want to feel this emptiness. I was sitting here with him, but I felt like I was alone. I felt like I was the most alone I’d ever been in my life. So, so alone. I just wanted him to leave so I could go to my room, lock the door, and cry my eyes out. I had to not see him anymore. I had to cut him out of my life for good. I felt a stabbing in my gut at the thought. How was I going to do this? It would be like ripping a piece of myself out. I didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t know if I could, but I knew I had to. I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t continue staring into his big blue eyes and wishing he would feel something different for me. It was never going to change. And I was fool for thinking it would. I was a fool for thinking I would ever mean anything real to him.

“Are you upset with me?”

“No, why would I be upset?” I just stared at him blankly.

“If this isn’t working out for you…” His voice trailed off and he looked at me uncomfortably.

“Is it working out for you?”

“Do you regret dumping Pierce for me?”

“What do you think?” I snapped, annoyed, wondering if it was always going to come back to Pierce.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “But you seem unhappy with me.”

“My being unhappy has nothing to do with Pierce.” I sighed, my voice getting louder. Was he being deliberately obtuse?

“Do we have an underlying issue here?” He pursed his lips and his eyes narrowed as he looked at me. I could feel my body alternating between hot and cold. Did he really not get it? “If we do, maybe we need to change something,” he continued.

“Change what?” I could hear the slight panic in my voice.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “But you want me to leave?”

“I don’t get you, Evan. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know how you feel. I don’t know what this is.”

“Do you think I’m leading you on?” he said, his eyes boring into mine in a cold way. “Do you think I’m playing with your feelings?”

“No.” My face went bright red and felt incredibly hot.

“Because I don’t want you to think that. You know where I’m coming from.” His voice sounded cold and mean, and I was starting to feel hate towards him.

“I know where you’re coming from and I know where I’m coming from,” I said. “This is just for fun, I know that.”

“Do you really, though?” His eyes searched mine and his face looked slightly red.

“Yes.” I bit down on my lower lip and looked away for a few seconds. I didn’t understand how we could go from loving to contentious in mere hours. I didn’t understand the game he was playing with me.

“Look, I have to go.” He looked at his watch. “I have plans tonight.”

“Sure you do.” I stood up and walked towards the doorway. “Bye.”

“Really, Jess?” He walked over to me and stopped. “It’s going to be like this?”

“Just go,” I said as I walked to the front door. I could hear him walking behind me, but he didn’t say anything. “Just tell me one thing,” I said to him as I opened the front door.

“Yes?” His face looked sad, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to hold my tears back for another second.

“Have you been going on dates while you’ve been seeing me?” I asked softly. “And are you going on a date tonight?”

“What are you talking about?” he asked, sounding annoyed.

“I looked at your phone when you were texting today. I saw the screen. I saw the photo. I saw the text.” I shrugged.

“You invaded my privacy?”

“Not on purpose.” I shook my head.

“You were in my personal space and you read my personal text messages?” he snapped.

“It wasn’t like that.” I shook my head. “You’re twisting it.”

“I don’t appreciate you in my space and business, Jess.” He sounded angry.

“Really? You’re going to twist this on me and make this my fault?” My jaw fell open. “Are you joking?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Answer my question,” I snapped. “Are you dating other women?”

“
We’re
not dating, Jess,” he said in an angry voice. “I can do what I want. But to answer your question, yes, I have been on dates.”

“I see.” I stared at him, all blood draining from my face, all emotion leaving my heart and I felt like I just wanted to die. Having it all confirmed made me feel sick to my stomach. I truly was a fool.

“You should be dating as well,” he said as he looked at me. “Go on lots and lots of dates.”

“I’m going to. I’m going to go on plenty of dates and I hope to meet a nice guy,” I said, my heart breaking. “Bye.” I stared at him and then the doorway.

“Bye,” he said slowly as he walked through the door. I slammed it behind him and ran to my bedroom, fell on my bed and started crying immediately. I couldn’t believe the words he had said to me and how shitty he had made me feel. Worse than that was the fact that he didn’t even seem to care that he’d been cutting and hurtful. He didn’t seem to care that he was breaking my heart. How could he so nonchalantly tell me to date other guys? I hated him. Absolutely hated him. I whipped out my phone and sent him a long text message.
I hate you. I never want to see you again. I don’t consider you a good friend. Or a possible boyfriend. You don’t deserve to be in my life. I’m over this bullshit. I’ve wasted my energy investing in this situation. I’ve been an idiot. I hate you so much. I’m done.