More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (47 page)

We know of couples who have agreements that any decision to renegotiate the relationship will happen only when neither of them has any other partners. As long as one of them is in a relationship with someone else, the option of returning to monogamy is off the table.

SEEKING A CLOSED TRIAD

A very, very common chain of reasoning among male-female couples, usually where the woman is bisexual and the man isn't, goes something like this: "We want to open our relationship to new people. But if it's completely open, what will be left? If we don't set limits on how open it gets, what's to prevent us from just running around having a bunch of hookups? Can you really have commitment like that? It feels less scary to keep things more limited. And what happens if one of us finds a partner and the other doesn't? How can we keep from feeling jealous and left out?

"Aha! Maybe we can date together! If we present ourselves as a package deal, nobody will be able to come between us. We need a bisexual woman, of course, so she can have sex with both of us—and the thought of another man in the mix is uncomfortable anyway. That woman can be with both of us, so she won't come between us or make one of us feel left out. And we'll make it an exclusive triad. She'll be just with us, so we won't feel threatened by her other partners. That way, we will both feel safe and comfortable."

Couples looking for this setup are so common that they're a cliché among poly people. Very, very few such couples ever find such an imagined third person. (Franklin knows one couple who have been searching for that bisexual woman for more than forty years, without success.) These couples often join organized poly groups, but become frustrated and upset that their requirements are rebuffed. Many poly women do identify as bisexual, and more than a few are open to a man and a woman as partners, but experienced people almost always say no whenever a hopeful couple approaches. The couple usually offers an unequal balance of power, even when they believe they're offering equality; after all, they're the ones setting the terms of the relationship. (A term for this is couple privilege.)

So if you're the couple and those are your thoughts, know that you've chosen a difficult row to hoe and you will most likely never find such a person. Indeed, women willing to sign on to such a relationship are often called "unicorns," because they're about as thin on the ground as mythical horned horses. As reasonable as this idea sounds from your perspective, it is very unreasonable from her perspective. If you were her, think what the offer would look like. First, the couple says they want you to date both of them. Almost always, you will be expected to have sex with both of them, and you may also be told you can't have sex with one without the other there (because that might breed jealousy or resentment). And you will be expected to love both of them "equally."

From the start, you're put in a position where you have little voice. Your relationships have already been scripted. Alas, the human heart rarely follows scripts. It is rare for someone to be attracted to two other people in the same way at the same rate at the same time—in fact, we've never seen it happen. So you're likely to be more attracted to and more connected with one member of the couple than the other, and that's likely to create tension. For many couples, if you express more attraction for one person than the other, you'll be kicked out immediately.

Not everyone who's poly is an exhibitionist or likes group sex. Asking someone to have sex only in a group and only with two people is likely to come across as controlling, even to someone who
does
like group sex. All healthy relationships need some one-on-one time.

But let's say you agree and start dating them both—and, somewhere down the road, some sort of problem or incompatibility arises with one of them. What happens then? The relationship becomes coercive. You'll probably be told, "You
knew
we were a package deal. If you stop having sex with one of us or stop wanting a relationship with one of us, we will both break up with you." That puts you in the unenviable position of being told your only choices are 1) to continue having sex with or being romantically vulnerable to someone you don't feel close to; or 2) to have your heart broken.

As for the polyfidelity requirement, most of us come to polyamory because we reject the idea that being in a relationship means being forbidden to be with anyone else. Yet that's what's being offered in this arrangement. People who identify as polyamorous generally won't be excited about entering a restrictive relationship. Franklin has known several people who have dated both members of a couple under these circumstances. Without exception, they were badly hurt and say they would never do it again.

We're not saying polyfidelitous triads don't exist. All the ones we've seen, however, have formed when a member of a couple starts dating a new partner and then, some time later, that new partner develops an attraction for the other member of the couple. They formed organically, rather than being scripted.

The truth is, structure can never solve the problem of jealousy (as we talk about in chapter 8). Going to a polyfidelitous relationship can seem like a way to "ease in" to polyamory, but it's a bit like trying to ease into skydiving by saying, "I don't want to just jump out of the plane. That's too scary. So I'll climb out carefully, maybe sit on the wing for a while—to get a feel for what it's like, and get comfortable trusting my parachute." Not only will this not work, it will put you and your fellow skydivers in jeopardy.

If you don't trust your parachute, skydiving probably isn't for you. By "trust your parachute," we mean building the tools of communication and jealousy management, trusting your partner, and believing that she wants to take care of you even if other partners are involved in the mix…
before
you open up.

COUPLEHOOD AND IDENTITY

One of the problems that can arise in opening from a couple to polyamory is the competing expectations of monogamous culture and poly culture. Marriages are often portrayed as combining two lives into one. Society expects that couples do almost everything together. A spouse is often called "my other half." In extreme cases, this tips into codependence: each person becomes so dependent on the other that they're unable to express their needs as individuals or make decisions alone.

Yet when you're looking for a partner, very often it's who you are as an individual that makes you attractive. Couples who think of themselves as a unit aren't likely to be seen as attractive prospects, because it can seem as if there's no room for anyone else. If the two people think of themselves as one, where's the room to have and express individual, distinct relationships with each of them? Is a new relationship going to involve each member of the couple as an individual, or will it be required to address the couple as one entity? If the latter, what happens if a conflict arises within the couple, or between you and one member?

Yet attempts to assert individuality can feel very threatening, especially to couples who have been together a long time. As scary as it may be, asserting individuality doesn't mean damaging your existing relationship. You were individuals when you met, and that worked out, didn't it? You can still be individuals while you maintain close, intimate bonds with your partner. Presenting yourself as a whole person who is closely connected with another and can become closely connected with new people too, rather than as half of a unit, makes finding new partners and developing new relationships much easier. And it helps prevent codependence.

WHEN NOT TO OPEN UP

There's never a perfect time to start a new relationship. Life is messy and complicated. It's rare that the merry-go-round of our day-to-day lives stops long enough to let someone aboard without a fuss. That said, some times are less opportune than others. Those times might include when your current relationship is unhealthy or when you have young children.

There's a snarky saying among poly folks, often delivered with an eye-roll: "Relationship broken? Add more people!" This expression is used to refer to people—often but not always in monogamous couplehood—who seek new partners to try to fix issues in their own relationship. Perhaps they're feeling bored or stifled. Maybe the sexual spark is gone. Perhaps they're having difficulty talking about their needs. Regardless, the solution (or so it seems) is to open up to new, exciting relationships, in hopes of turbocharging what's already there or fixing the broken bits.

Polyamory won't fix a broken relationship. We're not saying a relationship needs to be perfect before you open it to polyamory, but polyamory will put pressure on any weakness that exists. It is not a solution to relationship problems. Polyamory may make it easy for one person to escape an issue temporarily by retreating into the new shiny, but the issue will always come back—often worse than before. And once you have more partners, there are more people to be hurt.

There may be certain narrow exceptions. For example, we've known people with specific sexual kinks not shared by their partner who have started relationships with others who share those kinks. And if, as with Eve and Peter, monogamy itself is the problem with your relationship—if you are compatible partners but are chafing at trying to squeeze yourself into a monogamous mold—then polyamory might help. Generally speaking, though, polyamory will work best when any and all of your existing relationships are in good shape. People are not duct tape, something you wrap around the leaky pipes of your current relationship until you can get a plumber in to fix the problem for real.

FROM SWINGING TO POLY

Some folks who hear about polyamory confuse it with swinging, though it isn't really the same thing—at least not the lurid, Hollywood stereotype of swinging, where people throw lavish parties, drink champagne and have sex with all and sundry. Mind you, that's not the way most people who practice swinging go about it either; much swinging is a private affair, where a small group of people, often close friends, will get together and have sex. Long-term personal friendships can and do develop out of this kind of swinging.

An overlap does exist between swingers and polyamorous people, and many people come to poly from the (much larger) world of swinging. After all, sex and intimacy are closely linked, and many's the time a person in a swinging relationship has found himself getting attached to his partners. Sometimes things go the other way too: a person may be polyamorous and also enjoy casual sex. The difference between swinging and polyamory is largely a matter of whether sex or relationships are the prime focus, but some of the difference is simply in the different cultures that have developed around each.

Franklin has been peripherally involved in several swingers' groups in several cities. Many, though not all, swingers he's spoken to self-identify as monogamous. Often swingers are married couples who consider themselves emotionally fidelitous but sexually non-fidelitous. Quite a few swingers operate under the premise that they are free to explore sex outside their relationship, at least in controlled settings such as parties, but love and emotional intimacy are not permitted. This doesn't describe all swingers, of course. But it is a common theme among many swingers. We've met swingers who have operated under these conditions for years, and then…
wham!
They wake up one day to discover someone has fallen in love, and they have no idea what happens next.

If you arrive at polyamory from swinging, you'll likely find the transition a lot easier if your swinging didn't include the assumption of emotional fidelity. If it did start from that assumption, welcome! You'll probably find a lot in common with people in mono/poly relationships (relationships where one person is polyamorous and the other monogamous). Some of the challenges will likely be easier. You've likely already resolved at least some of the sexual jealousy that people in a mono/poly relationship may face, though many swingers deal with this jealousy by only having sex with others while they're together, and this may not be sustainable in a polyamorous relationship. Other challenges, like mourning and letting go of the desire for emotional monogamy, will probably be similar, and the same strategies apply to dealing with them. And, again, we highly recommend finding a poly discussion group where you can talk to other people who have already walked your path.

POLYAMORY AFTER CHEATING

Franklin has received dozens of emails from people looking for a path to polyamory after an episode of cheating. Often a person will cheat, and then after confessing or being caught will want to start a polyamorous relationship with the person he was cheating with. Some poly folks have a history of cheating in monogamous relationships, often because monogamy felt stifling, but they didn't know that non-monogamy was possible. When they find out about poly, they set out to build poly relationships.

Other people cheat on a partner, then try to transition that relationship to poly. We've talked to people who have made this journey from cheating to polyamory. It is possible, but it's a long and rough road and the success rate is not high. Moving from failed monogamous relationships into starting new relationships openly on a polyamorous footing is much easier than trying to rebuild a relationship damaged by cheating.

That's because cheating represents a profound betrayal of trust. It's the trust, more than the sex, that creates a hard path to polyamory. The cornerstones of ethical polyamory, as we've discussed, are consent and communication. Cheating undermines both, and it's nearly impossible to rebuild a relationship until trust and communication are restored.

There are many reasons why a person might cheat. Some people like the thrill of the forbidden, or the rush that comes with doing something they might be caught at. Some people cheat because they want to experience something new but don't know how to ask for it, or they believe it is not available to them. Some people want to experience multiple sex partners but don't want their partner to do the same thing—which, as you can imagine, is especially problematic from a polyamorous perspective. Others just fall in love but don't want to lose their partners or families, and they don't know that any other option exists.