More Letters From a Nut (18 page)

Dear Odor Eaters,

I want to join ODOR EATERS ANONYMOUS. I have heard that your organization does wonderful things for those that can’t control their foot smell.

My feet smell so bad, I am forced to eat out by the garbage dumpster area when dining out. What can I do? Please help me. Does eating garlic, onions, mango sauce, and old bologna affect your feet smell?

When are the meetings? Can I get a ride? I have a Ford Fairlane. But I may buy a Mercury Topaz.

Please send me all information regarding Odor Eaters Anonymous. I mean I want ALL information; as much as I can get. Don’t hold back.

Also do you make corn holders? I have corns on my feet that I understand you make a colorful corn holder for. Do these need to be installed by a professional, or can I attach them myself? Please send me a picture of your corn holder. Thank you for writing back with information for me.

Thank you for caring about the feet stink of others.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Combe

incorporated
White Plains, N.Y. 10604-3597
Telephone: (914) 694-5454
Fax:(914)694-6320

October 7, 1996

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for your letter concerning
Johnson’s Ultra-Comfort ODOR-EATERS Insoles
. We were very pleased to learn that you are interested in our product.

Odor-Eaters combine cushion-soft latex foam with millions of tiny particles of activated charcoal which actually trap and remove odor and perspiration from the feet, the socks and the shoes. The remarkable purifying and filtration properties of activated charcoal is the secret which makes Odor-Eaters so highly effective. This purifying and filtration property is the same principle which was used in the Apollo spaceship and is used in the nuclear submarines to keep air pure.

There is no stereotype person that may have foot odor. We are enclosing a pamphlet, “Save your feet …” which may answer some of the questions you have concerning foot odor. It also contains some valuable store coupons for future purchases of our
ODOR-EATERS
line of insoles.

Your continued interest in
ODOR-EATERS
is greatly appreciated.

Very truly yours,

Stephanie Medina

Consumer Affairs Consultant

Dear Wedding Planner,

My intended wife and I want to be married at your chapel on September 29, 1996.

We have a fantasy. We want to consummate our marriage in the chapel office immediately after the wedding ceremony. We will be in there for approximately 45 minutes, maybe an hour.

We will only touch your desk, couch (or 2 chairs), and, of course, the floor. We are clean people, no diseases. We will not leave any mess in your office and we WILL put down a plastic protective spalsh over your desk, couch, etc. Nothing will be messed.

Naturally we will compensate you for our consummation. Money is not the issue here. It is our desire to wed and consummate our marriage as one ceremony.

Please let us know what the charge would be to have our ceremony climaxed in your office. We are willing to pay what is necessary for this service. You can schedule us any time of the day or evening so we won’t disrupt your business.

Please write and tell us how much for your wedding package on September 29, 1996. Thank you very much. I look forward to a speedy reply so we can make our wedding plans immediately.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

August 28, 1996

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for your inquiry of Aug. 22, 1996.

Enclosed find a “Package Price List” stating our services in the chapel. None of these include the chapel offices for consumation of marriage purposes.

There are many hotels downtown nearby the chapel where you can book your lodging. Our limousine driverwill return you immediately after your wedding ceremony for your consumation of marriage.

Should this be satisfactory with you and your bride, call and schedule your wedding.

Yours Truly,

Betty Williams

GENERAL MANAGER

BJW/dw