Moonshine (10 page)

15

Shine

             
Turns out dying wasn’t in the cards for me. When I woke up inside the hospital and they told me that Moon had saved my life, I was pissed. I know it wasn’t the reaction people were expecting, but I couldn’t help it. I felt like he had no right putting his big Moon head in my business.

             
Then came day two and I could no longer be mad at him. In fact, once I stopped crying, I realized that I loved him even more. He saved my life. Now it was time to fix what he gave me back. I think. After all the medication left my system, I realized what a messed up thing I did and how lucky I really was. There are so many people that won’t ever get a second chance. I wonder how many of those people who actually kill themselves wish that they had another chance at life or that they could take it back. I have to get better. I would at least try, but this new chapter and new place scares the pants off me. Being alone with my feelings wasn’t something I was prepared for, but I didn’t have any time left. I was leaving for Peaceful Days Treatment Facility as we speak. I couldn’t even go home first. I agreed to go straight there as soon as I signed the release papers from the hospital.

             
Mom had my bags waiting in the car when I climbed inside. There were a lot of bags in the seat next to me, to be only spending ninety days. It felt like it was going to be an eternity.

             
When we pulled up in front of the building and I took a look around, it wasn’t what I was expecting. I thought it would look more like a hospital. It didn’t. It looked like a one story bungalow. It seemed rather low in its rise, and the color was a brownish green. It was very earth like and mellow, some might call it serene. I would consider a place like this more of a vacation spot, or at least I wish it was. Oh to be able to vacation away from your problems.

             
It wasn’t until I neared the entrance that I started feeling anxious. The whole trip there I felt ready to go. Then we get five feet from the door and I get cold feet. Immediately I wished I had my meds. I turned to look at mom with what I’m sure was a look of panic.

             
“I am scared. I feel like I need my anxiety pills. I don’t think I can go in.” I shook my hands out in front of me.

             
“The hospital gave you your medication before we left. You won’t be allowed to have anymore for a while. It is gonna be okay though. I’m right here with you and I’m not leaving your side until I know that everything is as it should be.”

             
I nodded because well, what choice did I have. I’d have to go in, regardless if I had a full blown panic attack or not. Hopefully, the very small dose of medication that the hospital gave me will keep the panicking to a minimal. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. Composure was what I needed, but not what I had.
Onward soldier,
I chanted in my head.

             
I let momma lead the way inside, and dad followed closely behind us. We were greeted by an older lady named Gerry who knew exactly who I was before I spoke. Maybe I had that look about me. You know the one that says “look at me. I hate life so much that I tried to off myself.” Sometimes I feel like it would help to scream those words, but you know how I like attention.

             
“Hello Shine. My name is Gerry and I am the R.A. I’m not even sure what that stands for. To me, it’s just a fancy name for Den Momma around here.” She chuckled and the plumpness around her stomach shook up and down. “I stay here at the facility around the clock. This door here,” she pointed to the door behind her. “That’s where you can find me, most of the time. I am in charge around here, and I expect to be treated kindly. That is, if you wish to be treated that way back, and if you want to be fed.”

             
I just nodded in understanding. She had more of a grandmother look about her. She had short and curly dark hair with several pieces of gray weaved in. Her skin was as dark as night and smooth. She only showed wrinkles around her eyes. I’d guess that she was much younger than what she appeared, but her gray hair and clothes said otherwise.

             
“We are a co-ed facility, and we currently have about eighteen patients. At times we can have as many as forty. Let’s just hope we don’t ever see this place full.” She continued down the hall and talked the entire way. She seemed nice from what I could tell, but I can imagine that her bad side would be brutal. She pointed her finger towards what appeared to be a TV room and all I could think about was the two inches fingernails that were pointy like a witch and the coat of dark red polish that lay on them. Creepy! “We run a very tight ship around here and I will expect you to follow all of the rules that’ll be given. This is your room.” She opened the door and we entered slowly.

             
“This is nice, Shine. Isn’t it?”  Mom asked as Dad sat the bag he had been carrying onto the bed.

             
Of course I was still yet to respond. I wasn’t sure what to think. The room was nice. It was small and plain, and that’s just how I like it. I knew that I would find a little peace in here as long as I could be alone, and the color was great. It was a pale green and the only thing on the wall was a dry erase board with magnets. It wasn’t too shabby.

             
“Here is a packet of rules and a list of everyday activities. It’s the same every day. There are three meals and the occasional snacks. You must attend meal time even if you don’t eat. There is a scheduled group session that takes place each day and you will be asked to participate at some point. You will also have a scheduled time where you meet with the doctor on a weekly basis. There is a lot to learn, but you’ll get the hang of things real quickly. Also, when it’s time for your medications, there is a nurse’s station at the end of the hallway to your right where you will be able to get them. She is also there if you feel sick and are in need of treatment. Don’t come to me. I don’t do well with the sickly types. That’s where my mothering stops.” She grinned at me. “As far as visitors go, they will only be able to visit on Sundays between twelve and six, unless it’s authorized by authority for another day or we have something special going on.”

             
“Okay,” I finally spoke, although it wasn’t much.

             
“I will leave you to get situated and if you need anything you just let me know. Also, before I forget. We have several members of staff here and you will get to know them all soon enough. One of them will be by in a minute to check your bags.”

             
“For what?” I asked.

             
“They have to check for weapons and things that can be used to harm yourself. They will confiscate your cell phone, any shoe strings, nail files, and any other materials or items that could be hazardous. As far as the cell phone goes, you will be permitted to use those during certain hours of the day. They stay locked up inside the main office until then.” She stood there silent for only a minute. “I believe I have told you everything.  Do you have any questions before I go?”

             
“No.”

             
“Okay, supper will be at six o’clock. I will see you then.” She left on a whim.

             
“She seems really nice.”

             
I rolled my eyes. “She’s a talker.”

             
“That she is, Baby.” Dad finally spoke. He hadn’t said a word since we left the hospital.

             
“I really wish you guys didn’t have to go yet.”

             
“We don’t want to go either, but we have to. The sooner we get out of here the sooner you will get better and come home.” Mom said softly as she wrapped me tightly in a hug. I had hoped she wouldn’t cry. “I forgot to tell you that I spoke with school and they have agreed to let you finish out the year through a home schooling program. You will be given assignments here for you to work on. I know that it’s not what you wanna hear, but I was certain that you would want to graduate and not go back to school for another year.”

             
“And you would be right, I don’t. Graduating sounds pretty nice and gives me something to work towards. Thank you.”

             
“I’m glad to hear you talk like that. Your welcome, now let’s get you unpacked.”

             
We kept our goodbyes short and sweet and they had promised that they would visit on Sunday. I let them go easily, and I was surprised. Being inside the bedroom wasn’t so bad. I could let them go from here, but what awaited me outside the door is what scared me. I knew that once I left the solitude of my room my anxiety would be back.

             
A lady named Ruby came by to check my stuff. She said hello, and she finally quit talking once she realized that I wasn’t going to talk back. She didn’t stay long and only snatched a few things. Once she left I realized it was the first time that I had been alone since the incident. I sat on the edge of the bed and left my feet on the floor. It was at that moment that the severity of what I had done finally hit me, like a ton of bricks. I was so stupid. With very few drugs in my system, I could actually think about things and I didn’t like it. The feeling of truth left a bitter taste in my mouth. I don’t want to feel. Feeling is what makes me freak out, and I’m not prepared. My heart rate started picking up and my breath was heavy in my chest. I could feel the attack starting to take over and the ringing in my ears was getting louder. The skin on my face felt like it was on fire and about to burn off. I shook my hands as fast as I could trying to regain control. I couldn’t shake it. I bolted off of the bed and straight out of the door. Someone caught me just as I barreled around the edge of the door frame. I was still having trouble catching my breath, and there was nothing to focus on except the pair of copper eyes staring back at me. His hands had a firm grip on my upper arms. He spoke but it took a long minute before I could understand what he was saying. Then it all started coming back into focus.

             
“Breathe… Just breathe… You are fine… You are not dying… Focus on my words, and take a deep breath… It will pass… You are looking better already. Just keep breathing.” His words were like butter. They melted on me, shielding me from danger. Have you ever met someone who you immediately had a connection with, but couldn’t understand why?

             
Once the tingling sensation wore off and I had regained my control, I noticed his hands still firmly placed on my arms. I immediately pulled away and stepped back. I blinked several times and looked down at the floor. My hand was still placed over my beating heart, but it was no longer erratic. Somehow, this stranger had effectively talked me out of my panic attack. I don’t know how or why or even who the hell he was. All I know is he helped me. “A man,” I whispered low. I was really talking to myself but he overheard.

             
“Yes. It would appear that I am a man. A pretty damn good lookin one too, I might add.”

             
A small smile started to form on my face. I didn’t want to show him though. He was very cute with his dark complexion and sandy brown hair, and when he smiled he had the cutest dimples a girl has ever saw. It was weird that I was checking him out. I had not done that or even wanted to since, well you know. Honestly, it’s super frightening doing it now with this mystery guy.

             
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m really sorry.”

             
“I get it. You’re sorry. No big deal. I’m Bradley by the way,” he held out his hand for me to shake. “Bradley James.”

             
I couldn’t shake his hand. I took an involuntary step back. No matter how comfortable I felt around him, or how sweet he seemed to be, there was no way in hell I was going to touch him. I just couldn’t. I lightly shook my head no. I wasn’t prepared to explain and I hoped that he wouldn’t ask.

             
“Listen, it’s cool.” He didn’t seem bothered at all. “You seem like you have it all together now, so let’s go eat.”

             
He started to walk down the hall, and I just stood there. My feet were planted in place and my mouth was left hanging open. What just happened? Was he serious? There wasn’t any question of my sanity or the crazy ass episode that I just had. I couldn’t comprehend it. Not since the accident has anyone acted normal around me. Maybe the reason he doesn’t think I’m crazy is because he is crazy too. Obviously, he’s crazy. I mean he didn’t even bat an eyelash.

             
“You coming?”

             
I didn’t respond but I followed him. At least if I was the newbie, it would help if I knew somebody. When we walked into the dining room, there were already several people there. I thought about turning around and going back to my bedroom without eating but I had to eat sometime, right? No time like the present.

“It’s like a band aid, j
ust rip it off quickly. These people all have their own skeletons. They don’t give a shit about yours.” My head snapped at his comment. It was harsh, but true. I guess I hadn’t thought about the others. I had only thought about myself and how they would react to me. Never once had I thought about them as if they had problems. I assumed I was the only one. Even with that in mind I still felt uncomfortable, and I had the sweaty palms to prove it.