Montana Wild (22 page)

Nodding reluctant concession he relented. “I’ll wait, but it won’t be easy. Okay, get some rest. Sleep and we’ll talk in the morning.”

Jamie smiled up at him, nodding her head, knowing he would take this for agreement but she needed him to be satisfied for now. She reached up and kissed his cheek, lingering for a moment, savoring the taste and feel of his skin against her lips, then looked up at him one last time and left.

“Tomorrow.” He called behind her. Slow and deliberate she walked back to her cabin, concentrating on each step because she could not trust her legs. Once inside, she closed the door behind her and crumpled like a rag doll to the bare wood floor, consumed with the pain of her breaking heart.

What the hell was happening? Derrick said she was going back with him and Jamie had confirmed it . . . but then she clung to him on the ride back, crying. He needed to talk to her, but she looked exhausted and he didn’t want to push her. He was afraid he would push her in the wrong direction, away from him. At first light tomorrow he would be at her doorstep to get to the bottom of this, good or bad.

Sleep was impossible and he lay in bed for hours trying to logically think things out.
She doesn’t realize what she means to me. I have to come completely clean with my feelings and put everything on the table. I need to tell her I love her, and then let her make her decision.

Kevin knew he risked rejection but she was worth the risk. His heart told him she didn’t love Derrick, she loved him. He felt it and this is what kept him going tonight.

Jamie picked herself up off the floor and scolded herself once again. No time to feel sorry for herself now.
No time for your feelings, there’s plenty of time for that later
.
Focus
. She reached for her cell and dialed Derrick.

“Okay, Derrick, I’m ready. Tonight. It has to be now or never. Pick me up at the end of the drive at 11pm. Do not drive up to the ranch.”

“Okay, sweetie. Tonight at eleven. End of the drive. I’ll be there.” Derrick was all business.

“And, Derrick?”

“Yes?”

“Get us a flight out tonight, not tomorrow,” Jamie insisted.

“Done. See you at eleven.” And he hung up.

Jamie hung up her cell and looked around the room. Such happy times here she reminisced, then scolded herself.
Focus
.
Focus!
If she kept the goal in sight, she could do this. She showered and then packed her bags. She stripped the sheets, made the bed, and cleaned the bathroom, not wanting Consuelo to have to clean up after her.

Jamie placed the boots Kevin had bought her at the end of her bed. She decided to write him a note:
Thanks . . . for everything. Love, Jamie
. It took her quite some time to decide how to sign it, but in the end she had to go with what she felt, hoping he would have no bitter feelings but instead remember the good times they’d shared. She wished she could say goodbye to Ben, Rick, Tommy, Consuelo, and Hector but it was not meant to be. Wishful thinking, but she hoped they would all understand and remember her fondly.

Jamie still had Kevin’s jacket that he’d insisted she wear. She held it in her arms and inhaled his scent one last time. As she laid it on the bed, memories flooded back and at the last minute she retrieved it, folded it up, and stuffed it into her duffel bag. She needed that jacket to remind her that it had not been a dream, some tangible proof that she could touch, a piece of him that she could take with her.

Jamie had shed all her tears, there were none left. At 10:45, she carried her bag and in the blackness, walked softly down the dirt drive one last time. Hearing Jack whinny from the barn, her chest physically hurt from the pain inside but there was no medicine or bandage for this now. Hopefully, time would help heal her gaping wound. As she turned around slowly, she took it all in one last time. She was thankful for the ride and would not have missed it for the world.

Chapter 26

After a fitful night, Kevin woke before dawn, urgently needing to talk to Jamie. Hoping to get to the bottom of this, he headed out to the mess hall to make her a cup of tea in an insulated mug, then headed to her cabin. He sat on her stoop and waited . . . and waited. Finally he knocked on her door. No answer. He opened it, knowing that she was gone. Inside were her boots and a short note
. I guess she didn’t want to take any part of me with her
. A mixture of anger, sadness, and loss churned through him as his heavy boots led back to his place.

Hours later Ben knocked on Kevin’s door.

“Kevin?” Ben knocked again. They had an appointment that they were late for. Ben let himself in and Kevin was sitting at his piano, staring blankly.

“Kev? You okay?”

“She’s gone. Jamie’s gone. She went back to New York with Derrick,” Kevin stated matter-of-factly, barely audible.

“What? Are you sure? She looked like she hated that guy! That doesn’t sound like her.”

Rick came to the door. “What’s this?”

“Kevin says Jamie went back to New York with that shithead Derrick.”

“No way. Jamie wouldn’t do that. Nope, I don’t believe it.” Rick was adamant, shaking his head.

“She’s gone.” Kevin stated flatly. “Here . . . see, she left a note.” He handed it to Ben who read it and shaking his head passed it to Rick, “and the boots I bought her. Yep. She left, she left it all.”

“This doesn’t make sense, Kevin. I’m sorry but I know what I saw and that girl was crazy about you.” Rick kept shaking his head.

“I guess not crazy enough,” Kevin answered dryly. His gut had betrayed him. Maybe Jamie had loved him but, she loved Derrick more. Many women are attracted to bad boys and more excitement . . . he had heard that many times before.

“I agree with Rick. Something’s not adding up here. She looked like she hated that dude. And I saw how she was with you too. Something’s not right.”

“I guess she had us all fooled. She was quite the New York actress after all. Well, what’s over is over. Let’s get to work.” Kevin stood up but felt lost.

Rick and Ben looked at each other, then followed Kevin out the door.

The flight back to New York was surreal. Derrick had chartered a private plane, one of the perks of his business. She hardly spoke to him the whole way home, she could barely stomach to even look at him. He tried to get friendly with her on the plane but she stopped any of that. Now that her friends were safe and out of the line of fire, she wasn’t timid about shunning any of Derrick’s advances.

He seemed to sense her fragile emotional state and didn’t push it. He dropped her off at her apartment with a promise of contacting her tomorrow. She reminded him that she had been away for quite some time and needed to regroup. Satisfied with this explanation, he instructed her to call him soon.

Jamie entered her apartment and stared at it through a stranger’s eyes. This apartment belonged to another person from another time. Like she had predicted, she’d left her heart in Montana and had a deep hole where it used to be, a hole that tangibly hurt. Jamie looked at her studio again without emotion. She felt dead inside. This place held no warm memories, no strong feelings. It hit her now how alone she was in New York. What the hell would she do now? She sat down on the bed and stared coldly about the room.

Kevin went about his business at the ranch. He sat at the piano for hours with no inspiration for composing music or lyrics. He was burnt.

Two weeks passed, and Kevin performed the necessary functions for the ranch. He abandoned his music for now, needing time off. He could write no words of love. His inspiration was gone.

The fire investigation looked suspicious, but nothing could be proven. His wounded truck sat outside his cabin, another victim of that period. He had lost interest in restoring it, didn’t even have it towed in for the mechanical repairs. In moments of weakness, he had called Jamie three times. She didn’t pick up but he left voicemails that she didn’t return. All he requested of her was one meeting or conversation. Finally she had texted him -
Quit stalking me
. Those words cut him . . . was that what he was doing? He needed to let her go, but his heart wouldn’t let him.

Kevin walked by the barn and heard Jack whinnying. He hadn’t ridden since that afternoon he’d gone searching for her. Jack’s soulful sounds pulled him in and the powerful stallion looked at him questionably. If Kevin didn’t know better, Jack was asking where Jamie was. Kevin stroked Jack’s nose and neck, “I know, boy, I feel the same way.” The two shared their emotional woes. Jamie loved this horse, why would she leave him so suddenly? Combine that with Kevin’s gut feeling and it didn’t make any sense. Ben and Rick were pretty good judges of character too. None of this added up.

Kevin saddled Jack up and rode him down that last trail. Memories flooded back and Kevin convinced himself that all was not as it seemed. And why had she signed her good-bye note
love, Jamie?
She would not sign it
love
unless she meant it, she was like that.
But did I really know her?
His gut still said yes. He could not rest until he was satisfied that her story was the truth and he believed without a doubt that she had no feelings for him. Didn’t he owe that much to himself and Jamie? Kevin’s heart was ignited with a hint of a spark that all was not dead. He rode Jack hard on the way back to the ranch, unsaddled, and brushed him down.

“We’ll get to the bottom of this, Jack. Thanks for waking me up.” Kevin patted Jack’s neck and went to find Ben.

“Ben! Ben, I need a huge favor.” Kevin searched and found him in one of the smaller barns.

“Okay, shoot.”

Kevin loved his friend like a brother but did not want to take advantage of their friendship.

“Okay, but hear me out before you say yes. Would you go to New York and check on Jamie? I know I sound lovesick but this whole thing does not add up.”

“Duh, Rick and I have been telling you that from day one.”

“I want to go but I’m pretty damn sure she’ll run from me again. You and she were tight. It might be easier for her to be straight with you. I called and texted her but her only response was one text accusing me of stalking her. My gut is telling me that she’s not okay and I need to make sure.”

“Of course I’ll go. I think you two are meant to be. But that may not make me an objective party.” Kevin loved this guy and slugged him on the shoulder to prove it.

Ben would fly out tomorrow.

As long as Jamie was back in town she needed to work, not solely for the money but to keep her head busy. Her company was delighted she’d returned and scheduled patients for her the next week. She was back in business so to speak, but her heart was not in her work or in New York. Jamie went through the motions of cleaning her apartment and buying groceries, but it was all mechanical. She did what she had to do to get by. Instead of the rush of mountain streams or pine trees rustling with the mountain breezes, her senses were assaulted with the roar of subway trains and taxi horns blaring. Inhaling automotive exhaust instead of pine-scented air, she navigated her way through the crowded New York streets. She had always loved the vibrant diversity of her city, but she now longed for the peace and tranquility of Big Sky. What a contrast!

Even though he’d left explicit instructions she did not call Derrick; she loathed the man. Her objective had been accomplished — to get Derrick out of Montana and away from the ranch. Now that she was in New York, she intended to stay as far away from him as possible. She could afford to be braver now that there was no one else to hurt. He was busy with finalizing the club and had left a couple of messages, but none of them sounded urgent. She was back at work and this was a great excuse not to be available.

Derrick did stop over a few times unannounced, mainly to check on her and let her know that he indeed was in the picture. Once he saw that she was in her apartment alone, he seemed content to leave her be, for now. But he reminded her that her presence would soon be needed at the club as a face to the place. She told him that was not her scene, she was a nurse, but he was adamant. He even brought over one of his ‘associates’ to meet Jamie as if to prove she was real. One way or another she would avoid the club. For now though, he was too busy to bother with her.

Jamie got back into the work routine, visiting patients. She did always enjoy making home visits to the elderly and sick. At least she felt like she was making a difference and doing noble work, which was always good for the soul.

During work hours, she kept her cell on vibrate and when she checked it at the end of the day, she almost stepped in front of a bus as her heart registered the missed call and voicemail from Kevin. The wound was too raw to rip open again so she deleted his message without listening to it. Hearing his voice would have been pure torture and she was not strong enough yet.

A couple of days later, her phone rang and she recognized the number. Kevin again. Holding the phone in her hand, realizing it was him in Montana calling was agony . . . knowing his live voice was only a finger click away . . . but she couldn’t do it. Finding a nearby bench, she held the phone against her chest, close to her heart until it stopped vibrating, then wept uncontrollably. Quitting him cold turkey was the only way she would survive.

Every call from him was salt in the wound. Afraid she would weaken and eventually answer, she texted him a sharp, mean message. Her finger lingered on the send button for an eternity before finally applying pressure. With that one last tiny finger movement, she deleted the man she loved from her life.

Noah was due back in New York any day now. She had been avoiding his phone calls too because she didn’t want to explain her sudden departure from Montana and Kevin. Noah would think her crazy for not confiding in Kevin about Derrick’s threats. In fact, Jamie didn’t even inform Noah that she’d returned to New York. She had been sending him short texts now and then to let him know she was okay and feigning that an active life kept her from personally talking to him. Eventually she would confide in him, but it was too painful to talk about yet, even with Noah.

At night, in bed, she always thought of Kevin, though she tried not to. It hurt too damn much. He was such a good man and to think she had been so close with him, and that maybe, just maybe, he’d felt the same way about her. What must he think of her now? All these people that she’d come to love . . . what must they think of her coldly running out with no good-bye?

Sometimes, especially at night, the ache was too visceral and she would cry herself to sleep. When she awoke in the middle of the night and it was dark, it took a minute to remember where she was. Before her senses registered her location, she prayed to God that she was in her little cabin in the mountains of Montana.

Lying motionless, she would listen closely for the sounds of crickets, whispering pines, or horses stirring, but instead was greeted with the harsh reality of street noise, which started her tears flowing again. Her only comfort was Kevin’s jean jacket that she would wrap around her, closing her eyes and inhaling the remnants of his scent. The pain and the hurt she knew in time would fade, its intensity would decrease, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted it to. That would mean that it was so long ago and that reality would be more painful.

Jamie was out on the street, finishing her last patient visit of the day when her cell buzzed. Automatically she answered without thinking, without looking at the ID.

“Jamie?” A blast from the past. Her heart skipped a beat.

“Yes.” She couldn’t believe her ears.

“Jamie, this is Ben. How the hell are you, girl?” he asked in a spirited voice.

“I’m fine, Ben. How are you?” It was so good to hear his voice, but it flooded her with memories that hurt.

“I’m good. Listen, I’m in New York City for some business.”

“You’re where?” Jamie couldn’t believe her ears.

“I’m here in New York City and I’m hoping we can get together for dinner. Are you busy tonight? Can we meet?”

“Oh, Ben. Wow! Are you alone?”

“Yep, all by myself.”

He had taken her by surprise and of course she wanted to see him, but she needed to reason this out. Thinking of the consequences, she decided that it would be worth the risk. Surely Derrick wasn’t watching her so much now that she was back home, she convinced herself.

“Sure, Ben. Where and when?”

“How about 7ish? There’s a place called Chevy’s. I’ll get the address and text it to you. It’ll be great, Jamie. See you then!” He hung up.

Jamie couldn’t believe it. Just thinking about seeing Ben raised a mixture of feelings that overwhelmed her.
Go for it
, she told herself,
enjoy it for what it is
. How complicated could it be, meeting a friend for dinner? Ben and Jamie had been close. She tried to oversimplify things because oh, she wanted a link back to that past life. Jamie looked at her watch. She had time to go to her place and change.

She was surprised at her nervousness but not at her eagerness to see Ben. Funny how she’d only known her Montana friends for a short time but they were embedded in her heart forever. As she entered the restaurant she didn’t need to look for Ben. He jumped out of his chair and made his way to her in a split second. He was medicine for her soul. She disappeared into his strong arms and he spun her around. Jamie was sad when he released her from his affectionate grip. They sat down and looked at each other.

“How are you, Ben? You look wonderful!” She was not lying.

“I’m good. How are you?” Ben asked looking her in the eye.

“I’m okay,” she answered him, lowering her eyes to the table. The waitress came over and they ordered drinks.

“Really, how are you? You look like you’ve lost weight. Aren’t you eating?”