Monkey (24 page)

‘You look as if you were going on a journey,’ said Monkey. ‘Tell me where you are going, and on what business, and I will let you go.’

‘My name,’ he said, ‘is Kao Ts’ai. Old Mr Kao has a daughter about twenty years old and unmarried. Three years ago she was carried off by a monster, who since has kept her as his wife, and lived with her here on the farm. Old Mr Kao was not pleased. “To have a monster as a son-in-law in the house,” he says, “doesn’t work very well. It’s definitely discreditable to the house, and unpleasant not to be able to look forward to comings and goings between the two families.” He did everything in his power to drive away the monster, but it was no good; and in the end the creature took the girl and locked her away in that back building, where she has been for six months and no one in the family has seen her.

‘Old Mr Kao gave me two or three pieces of silver and told me to go and find an exorcist, and I spent a long time chasing round all over the countryside. I succeeded at last in getting the names of three or four practitioners, but they all turned out to be unfrocked priests or mouldy Taoists, quite incapable of dealing with such a monster. Mr Kao only just now gave me a great scolding and accused me of bungling the business. Then he gave me five pieces of silver to pay for my travelling expenses and told me to go on looking till I found a really
good exorcist, and I should be looking for one now if I hadn’t run into this little scamp who won’t let me pass. There! You have forced me to tell you how things are, and now you can let me go.’

‘You’ve thrown a lucky number,’ said Monkey. ‘This is just my job. You needn’t go a step farther or spend an ounce of your silver. I’m no unfrocked priest or mouldy Taoist, I really do know how to catch monsters. You’ve “got your stye cured on the way to the doctor’s”. I’ll trouble you to go to the master of the house, and tell him that a priest and his disciple have come, who are on their way to get scriptures in India, and that they can deal with any monster.’

‘I hope you’re telling me the truth,’ said the lad. ‘You’ll get me into great trouble if you fail.’

‘I’ll positively guarantee,’ said Monkey, ‘that I’m not deceiving you. Make haste and lead us in.’

The lad saw nothing for it but to pick up his bundle and go back to the house. ‘You half-wit,’ roared old Mr Kao, ‘what have you come back for?’ But as soon as he had heard the lad’s story, he quickly changed into his best clothes and came out to greet the guests, smiling affably. Tripitaka returned his greeting, but Monkey did not bow or say a word. The old man looked him up and down, and not knowing quite what to make of him did not ask him how he did.

‘And how about me ? Don’t you want to know how I am ?’ said Monkey.

‘Isn’t it enough to have a monster in the house as son-in-law,’ grumbled the old man, ‘without your bringing in this frightful creature to molest me ?’

‘In all the years you’ve lived,’ said Monkey, ‘you’ve evidently learnt very little wisdom. If you judge people by their appearances, you’ll always be going wrong. I’m not much to look at, I grant; but I have great powers, and if you are having any trouble with bogeys or monsters in the house, that’s just where I come in. I’m going to get you back your daughter, so you had better stop grumbling about my-appearance.’

Mr Kao, trembling with fear, managed at last to pull
himself together sufficiently to invite them both in. Monkey, without so much as by-your-leave, led the horse into the courtyard and tied it to a pillar. Then he drew up an old weather-beaten stool, asked Tripitaka to be seated, and taking another stool for himself calmly sat down at Tripitaka’s side.

‘The little priest knows how to make himself at home,’ said MrKao.

‘This is nothing,’ said Monkey. ‘Keep me here a few months and you’ll see me really making myself at home!’

‘I don’t quite understand,’ said the old man, ‘whether you’ve come for a night’s lodging or to drive out the monster.’

‘We’ve come for a night’s lodging,’ said Monkey, ‘but if there are any monsters about I don’t mind dealing with them, just to pass the time. But first, I should like to know how many of them there are ?’

‘Heavens!’ cried the old man, ‘isn’t one monster enough to afflict the household, living here as my son-in-law ?’

‘Just tell me about it from the beginning,’ said Monkey. ‘If I know what he’s good for, I can deal with him.’

‘We’d never had any trouble with ghosts or goblins or monsters on this farm before,’ said the old man. ‘Unfortunately I have no son, but only three daughters. The eldest is called Fragrant Orchid, the second Jade Orchid, and the third Blue Orchid. The first two were betrothed from childhood into neighbouring families. Our plan for the youngest was to marry her to someone who would come and live with her here and help look after us in our old age. About three years ago a very nice-looking young fellow turned up, saying that he came from Fu-ling, and that his surname was Hog. He said he had no parents or brothers and sisters, and was looking for a family where he would be taken as son-in-law, in return for the work that he did about the place. He sounded just the sort we wanted, and I accepted him. I must say he worked very hard. He pushed the plough himself and never asked to use a bull; he managed to do all his reaping without knife or staff. For some time we were perfectly satisfied, except for one thing – his appearance began to change in a very odd way.’

‘In what way ?’ asked Monkey.

‘When he first came,’ said the old man, ‘he was just a dark, stoutish fellow. But afterwards his nose began to turn into a regular snout, his ears became larger and larger, and great bristles began to grow at the back of his neck. In fact, he began to look more and more like a hog. His appetite is enormous. He eats four or five pounds of rice at each meal, and as a light collation in the morning I’ve known him to get through over a hundred pasties. He’s not at all averse to fruit and vegetables either, and what with this and all the wine he drinks, in the course of the last six months he’s pretty well eaten and drunk us out of house and home.’

‘No doubt,’ said Tripitaka, ‘anyone who works so hard as he does needs a lot of nourishment.’

‘If it were only this business of food,’ said the old man, ‘it wouldn’t be so bad. But he frightens everybody round by raising magic winds, suddenly vanishing and appearing again, making stones fly through the air and such like tricks. Worst of all, he has locked up Blue Orchid in the back outhouse, and it is six months since we set eyes on her. We don’t even know if she is dead or alive. It is evident that he’s an ogre of some kind, and that is why we were trying to get hold of an exorcist.’

‘Don’t you worry,’ said Monkey. ‘This very night I’ll catch him and make him sign a Deed of Relinquishment and give you back your daughter.’

‘The main thing is to catch him,’ said Mr Kao. ‘It doesn’t so much matter about documents.’

‘Perfectly easy,’ said Monkey. ‘Tonight as soon as it is dark, you’ll see the whole thing settled.’

‘What weapons do you need, and how many men to help you?’ asked Mr Kao. ‘We must get on with the preparations.’

‘I’m armed already,’ said Monkey.

‘So far as I can see, all you’ve got between you is a priest’s staff’ said the old man. ‘That wouldn’t be much use against such a fiend as this.’

Monkey took his embroidery needle from behind his ear and once more changed it into a great iron cudgel.

‘Does this satisfy you?’ he asked. ‘I doubt if your house could provide anything tougher.’

‘How about followers ?’ said the old man.

‘I need no followers,’ said Monkey. ‘All I ask for is some decent elderly person to sit with my master and keep him company.’

Several respectable friends and relatives were fetched, and having looked them up and down Monkey said to Tripitaka, ‘Sit here quietly and don’t worry. I’m off to do this job.’

‘Take me to the back building,’ he said to Mr Kao, grasping his cudgel. ‘I’d like to have a look at the monster’s lodging-place.’

‘Give me the key,’ he said, when they came to the door.

“Think what you’re saying,’ said the old man. ‘Do you suppose that if a key was all that was wanted, we should be troubling you?’

‘What’s the use of living so long in the world if you haven’t learnt even to recognize a joke when you hear one?’ said Monkey laughing. Then he went up to the door and with a terrific blow of his cudgel smashed it down. Within, it was pitch dark. ‘Call to your daughter and see if she is there,’ said Monkey. The old man summoned up his courage and cried, ‘Miss Three!’ Recognizing her father’s voice, she answered with a faint ‘Papa, I am here.’ Monkey peered into the darkness with his steely eyes, and it was a pitiable sight that he saw. Unwashed cheeks, matted hair, bloodless lips, weak and trembling. She tottered towards her father, flung her arms round him and burst into tears. ‘Don’t make that noise,’ said Monkey, ‘but tell us where your monster is.’

‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Nowadays he goes out at dawn and comes back at dusk, I can’t keep track of him at all. He knows that you’re trying to find someone to exorcize him; that’s why he keeps away all day.’

‘Not a word more!’ said Monkey. ‘Old man, take your darling back to the house and calm her down. I’ll wait here for the monster. If he doesn’t come, it is not my fault, and if he comes I’ll pluck up your trouble by the roots.’

Left alone, Monkey used his magic arts to change himself into the exact image of Blue Orchid, and sat waiting for the
monster to return. Presently there was a great gust of wind; stones and gravel hurtled through the air. When the wind subsided there appeared a monster of truly terrible appearance. He had short bristles on his swarthy cheeks, a long snout, and huge ears. He wore a cotton jacket that was green but not green, blue but not blue, and had a spotted handkerchief tied round his head. ‘That’s the article,’ laughed Monkey to himself.

Dear Monkey! He did not go to meet the monster or ask him how he did, but lay on the bed groaning, as though he were ill. The monster, quite taken in, came up to the bed and grabbing at Monkey tried to kiss him. ‘None of your lewd tricks on old Monkey!’ laughed Monkey to himself, and giving the monster a great clout on the nose sent him reeling.

‘Dear sister,’ said the monster, picking himself up, ‘why are you cross with me today ? Is it because I am so late?’

‘I’m not cross,’ said Monkey.

‘If you’re not cross,’ said the monster, ‘why do you push me away?’

‘You’ve got such a clumsy way of kissing,’ said Monkey. ‘You might have known that I’m not feeling well today, when you saw I did not come to the door to meet you. Take off your clothes and get into bed.’ Still suspecting nothing the monster began to undress. Monkey meanwhile jumped up and sat on the commode. When the monster got into bed he felt everywhere but could not find his bride. ‘Sister,’ he called, ‘what has become of you? Take off your clothes and get into bed.’

‘You go to sleep first,’ said Monkey. ‘I’ll follow when I’ve done my duties.’ Monkey suddenly began to sigh, murmuring’ Was there ever such an unhappy girl as I ?’

‘What are you grumbling about?’ said the monster. ‘Since I came here, I’ve cost you something in food and drink, that I own. But I’ve more than earned what I have got. Haven’t I cleaned the ground and drained ditches, carried bricks and tiles, built walls, ploughed fields, planted grain, and improved the farm out of all knowing ? You’ve good clothes to wear and all the food you need. What’s all this childish nonsense about being unhappy ?’

“That’s not it at all’ said Monkey. ‘Today my parents came and made a fearful scene through the partition wall.’

‘What did they make a scene about ?’ said the monster.

‘They don’t like having you here as their son-in-law’ said Monkey. ‘They say you’ve got an ugly face, and they don’t know who your father is and haven’t seen any of your relations. They say you come and go no one knows when or where, and it’s bad for the credit of the house that we don’t know your name or anything at all about you. That’s what they said, and it has made me miserable.’

‘What do looks matter?’ said the monster. ‘It’s a strong man they need about the place, and they can’t say anything against me on that score. And if they think so ill of me, why did they accept me here at all ? As for who I am, there’s no mystery about it. I come from the Cloud-Ladder Cave at Fu-ling, and because I look a bit like a pig they call me Pigsy – Pigsy Bristles; next time they ask just tell them that.’

‘Confiding monster!’ thought Monkey. ‘It needs no tortures to get a confession from him. Now we know where he comes from and who he is. It only remains to catch him.’

‘They are looking for an exorcist to drive you away’ he said to the monster.

‘Go to sleep’ said Pigsy, ‘and don’t worry about them any more. Am not I strong enough, with my nine-pronged muck-rake, to frighten off any exorcist or priest or what-not ? Even if your old man’s prayers could bring down the master of all devils from the Ninth Heaven, as a matter of fact he’s an old friend of mine and wouldn’t do anything against me.’

‘He’s done more than that’ said Monkey. ‘He has called in the Great Sage, who five hundred years ago made turmoil in Heaven.’

‘If that’s so’ said Pigsy, ‘I’m off! There’ll be no more kissing tonight!’

‘Why are you going ?’ asked Monkey.

‘You don’t know’ said Pigsy. ‘That chap is terribly powerful, and I don’t know that I could deal with him. I’m frightened of losing my reputation.’ He dressed hastily, opened the door, and went out. But Monkey caught hold of him and making a magic pass changed himself back into
his true form. ‘Monster, look round,’ he cried, ‘and you will see that I am he.’