Moments in Time (25 page)

Forgiveness didn’t feel like something I deserved.

“I have to go after him.”

“You love him, don’t you?”

My throat felt like I’d swallowed a handful of sand. I nodded.

Jason dug his hands into his pockets and stared at his shoes, then his eyes met mine. “You want me to talk to him? I’ll tell him it was all me. It’s true.”

“It’s not. I’ll take care of it.”
I hope.
“And I really am sorry.”

“Don’t be. At least now I don’t have to feel like I never even tried.”

The sadness in his voice wrenched my guts even further than they were already twisted.

“I have to go.”

Jason rocked back on his heels. “You okay? You want me to walk with you?”

“No, thanks. I’m fine.” That was sort of true as long as “fine” meant “okay to make it home without wandering into the ocean.” Not even a hint of a buzz remained.

Jason gave a halfhearted wave, and I turned, unable to look at him anymore and desperate to get home. I needed to talk to Tanner. The sooner the better.

I knew I should go by Dorothy’s and get my bike, but that wasn’t my priority. As much as I loved it, I didn’t care what the fuck happened to it. I didn’t even feel like I deserved the damned thing.

Walking as fast as I could toward home, my mind wandered. When I was a kid and I fucked up, I’d wish I had superpowers so I could turn back time, like Superman or Hermione, and go back to fix whatever I’d done wrong. I’d never wanted that more than I did right then.

Tanner’s bike wasn’t on the rack and wasn’t up on the porch either. My stomach threatened to stage another revolt, but I breathed in through my nose and willed my body to settle.

Maggie was curled into the recliner, reading. Her brow furrowed when she saw me. Great. Someone else disappointed by me.
Just what I need.

“Have you seen Tanner?” I asked.

“Came and went. About ten minutes ago.” The puzzled look remained on her face.

“Did he say where he was going?”

“Nope. Didn’t ask. I assumed he was meeting you somewhere.”

“Why?”

She chewed her lip, and my stomach twisted more with each second. “He, um… well.”

“Maggie….” I pleaded with my eyes. I’d have gotten down on my knees and begged if it would have made her tell me where he was or what he said.

“He borrowed some condoms.”

M
Y HEART felt broken. Like it wouldn’t beat right. Like it might never be able to find its rhythm again.

Then my stomach won the battle we’d been waging. I made it to the downstairs bathroom just in time to puke what was left of my stomach contents into the toilet. Maggie’s feet thudded up the stairs. Thankful not to have her bear further witness to my humiliation, I rested my forehead on my arm, wanting to make sure I didn’t have to throw up anymore before I attempted to stand.

The sound of her trotting back down the staircase made me cringe. I flushed the toilet and turned on the water in the sink, trying to keep from trembling. Maggie knocked and opened the door at the same time.

“Mouthwash,” she said, handing me a bright blue bottle and a bathroom Dixie cup.

“Thanks.” I dried my hands and took the bottle from her, not sure if I was more grateful for the mouthwash or the fact that she had the decency to leave as soon as I took it from her.

The minty liquid succeeding in taking away the puke taste along with what felt like half the skin on my tongue. The burn gave me something to focus on other than thoughts of what Tanner was doing, pissed off, out, with condoms he’d needed badly enough to borrow them from his dad’s ex-girlfriend.

I couldn’t even look in the mirror. Feeling it was more than enough—a visual wasn’t necessary.

“You wanna talk about it?” Maggie said the minute I set foot in the living room. She’d curled back up in the chair but didn’t have the book this time, just an intent look on her face. She raised an eyebrow at my silence.

“Not really. Thanks for the mouthwash.”

“Anytime.”

I headed for the stairs but stopped with one hand on the banister. “Did he say anything else?”

Maggie shook her head. “Just grabbed a hoodie, asked for the condoms, and left. I take it you two had a fight?”

I wish.
“Not exactly.”

“You’re not gonna tell me, are you?”

Telling someone would only make it worse. The only person I needed to talk to was Tanner. Wherever he was.

It felt as if our room had moved to the thirtieth floor. My legs grew heavier with every step. The idea of sitting down in the stairwell was tempting. I didn’t really want to be in our room without Tanner. Not when he was the only thing I could think about. Not when he was probably in someone else’s room at that very minute, doing things that made me think twice about being more than a foot away from the toilet.

Breathing in and out through my nose helped some. I opened the window wide, letting the night air rush into the room. Realizing I was still in my work clothes, I stripped and put on a fresh T-shirt and shorts. Sleep didn’t seem remotely possible, but I got into bed anyway.

I’d thought the bed felt huge when Tanner and I were both in it. Alone it felt immense. Bottomless. Endless. Like I could drown in it and never be found again. At that moment, that didn’t sound like a bad idea.

I stared at my phone, desperate to text Tanner. I wanted to know where he was, who he was with… things I felt like I’d lost the right to ask, given that he’d caught me with Jason. My stomach churned. I had to at least know he was all right. My hands shook as I typed
Are you okay?
and hit Send. Seconds later a phone buzzed. Not mine. His. It was on top of the dresser.
Shit.

I closed my eyes tight and willed myself to listen to the ocean. The breeze washed in and out of the room as the steady rustle of the waves came and went. None of it could block out my thoughts. Jason’s face moving closer to mine. His hands on me. How could I not have seen that coming? Tanner had. He’d been dropping hints all summer, and I’d been too damn busy worrying about him to see what was really going on.
I’m an idiot.

The front door opened and closed a half-dozen times, and I strained to listen each time—Maggie, Bryan, Dex—no Tanner. Fuck. It was nearly three in the morning. Wherever he was, I had the feeling he was spending the night.

My heart sank into my disgruntled stomach. They both seemed to be conveying their overall disgust with me for their treatment.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, willing away the headache that threatened to erupt behind my eyeballs.
Water.
A hangover might have been what I deserved, but it was the last thing I needed.

Moving with care to avoid the extra-creaky steps so I wouldn’t wake the whole house, I made my way to the first floor. The chimes on the front porch jingled, and I held my breath, hoping they’d moved because Tanner had walked by. No such luck. They sounded again, louder, and I felt the accompanying breeze through the open kitchen window.

Where is he?
My insides twisted around one another. I drained a glass of water, then rummaged in the cupboard until I found the Tylenol. My mind wandered through all the events of the evening as I downed the pills with a Snapple. Amy. Jason. Tanner. Everything swirled together, making me dizzy.

Fresh air seemed like a good idea. I tugged on a sweatshirt, gingerly opened the front door so it wouldn’t squeak too much, and headed for the beach.

It had been cloudy earlier, but the winds had blown enough to clear out the sky. Stars twinkled everywhere in the darkness, and the moon shone bright white, high and full in the night sky. Shadows from the tall beach grass danced along the sandy path as I made my way toward the water.

As I neared the first row of fences, my heart skipped a beat. There was a bike on the sand. The royal blue and silver frame glinted in the darkness. Tanner’s bike.

He’s here.

T
HE SAND shifted under my feet as I made my way toward him. My legs felt rubbery. It seemed possible I might actually shake apart before I reached him.

His shoulders tensed, but he didn’t turn around. I knew he’d heard me coming. Forcing myself to inhale, I took a deep breath in, then blew it out slowly and sank down onto the sand next to him.

“I’m so sorry, Tanner.”

He snorted out a breath, still not looking at me.

My chest ached. “I don’t even know what happened. Seriously. I saw you hugging Amy and I got upset, so Jason invited me over to his place to calm down. It didn’t even occur to me that anything would happen.”

“How is that even possible? The guy’s had a boner for you since day one.”

“I didn’t know. I mean it.”

“Well, then, you’re pretty fucking stupid.”

That stung. Largely because it was true. Tanner still hadn’t looked at me. He studied the sand, raking it with his fingers. I got on my knees in front of him, willing him to look up. I needed him to see it in my eyes. To see how sorry I was. To see that it was killing me to think I’d hurt him.

When his eyes met mine, I wished I hadn’t been looking. His brow was furrowed, eyes narrowed and rimmed in red. Shit. He’d been crying. I made him cry. Tears prickled behind my own eyes, making everything blurry, then superclear when I blinked them away. The knot in my throat felt like a giant ball of yarn, dry and scratchy and impossible to swallow.

I rasped out the only thing I kept thinking. “I love you.”

Tanner’s expression turned darker. “Do you?”

“Of course I do.” How could he question that? After all the stuff we’d done together. After all we’d been through.

“Well, you sure as hell didn’t act like it tonight.”

“That was just one minute of bad judgment. A mistake. It doesn’t mean—”

“It doesn’t mean what?” He was angry now, his voice low and rumbly. “Doesn’t mean I saw you with another guy’s tongue down your throat and his hand on your dick? Do you have any idea what that felt like for me? It felt like my fucking guts were being ripped out. It was humiliating. And painful. It sure as fuck didn’t feel like
love
.”

“Oh God. I’m sorry.”

“I would never do that to you. Do you hear me? Never. If I wanted someone else, I’d have the decency to tell you and end things between us first.”

“Tanner, you have to believe me. If I wanted someone else, I would say so. I never want to do anything to hurt you. I didn’t know Jason thought of me that way. When he kissed me, I was more shocked than anything else, and I swear that’s all it was, just a kiss.”

He turned and looked out toward the ocean. His hair fluttered in the breeze, and he looked so unbearably sexy. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold him, to run my fingers through his hair and kiss him and tell him how much I loved him. But it seemed like I might have lost my right to those privileges. Like he didn’t want those things from me anymore.

My heart hurt so bad I thought it might cramp up and stop beating altogether. I’d ruined everything. I couldn’t even look at him for fear of what I’d see. I closed my eyes tight. “I can’t lose you.” I wasn’t even sure I’d said the words out loud, but Tanner sighed, so I assumed he’d heard them.

“What do you want, Collin? Seriously, do you even know?”

That took no thought whatsoever. I opened my eyes. “You.”

Tanner shook his head, eyebrows knitted together again.

“I’m serious,” I said. “
You.
You’re all that matters to me. You’re all I think about. I’m so fucking worried about losing you, I do stupid shit like get jealous of all the other people who want you, and I’m so damned stupid I don’t even see it when someone’s interested in me. But you. You’re the one thing in my life I never question. I never doubt how I feel about you.”

“So does that mean you still want us to be together?”

I couldn’t believe he asked me that. “Of course I want to be with you. I love you.”

Tanner’s gaze lifted to meet mine. The dark brown was glassy as he searched my eyes.

“Do you realize that tonight’s the first time you’ve said that to me since the night of the accident?”

“Said what?”

“I love you.”

Wait. No. That’s not possible. Is it?
I struggled to remember another time. Tanner had said it to me a bunch.
Have I really not said it back? Ever?
My heart sank into my stomach. I hadn’t. I’d thought it eight million times a day, but I hadn’t said it out loud.

“I’m sorry.” My voice cracked. “I’ve loved you every fucking second since then. I didn’t know I wasn’t saying it. I didn’t realize.”

“How can you not realize something like that?”

I shrugged. I didn’t have a good answer. “My family never said it. I mean, like,
never
. Only in general statements like ‘We’re a family, we love each other.’ You were just supposed to take it on faith.”

“Well, that kinda fucking sucks.”

“Yeah, I guess it does.”

“I’m not like your family, Collin. I don’t want to take things on faith or assume anything. You need to tell me what you’re feeling. Not just now—all the time. I don’t want to guess and find out later I was totally off base.”

The back of my nose tingled, and my eyes prickled as I willed myself not to cry. I rested my elbows on my knees and rubbed my forehead, kneading the balls of my hands against my eyes. My legs had cramped from kneeling on the cool sand. Tanner shifted, and my stomach rolled over.
He’s getting up. He’s leaving. He’s done with me. I’m closed off and fucked-up and fucking cruel. And he’s had enough.
The cool breeze caught the wetness on my fists, making them feel ice cold. Then Tanner’s hands gripped my shoulders.

He hadn’t left. He’d shifted to his knees in front of me. His hands slid to my neck, fingers sinking into my hair as he pulled me upright. Even on our knees, we were the same height. My arms hung limp at my sides. I wanted to touch him but wasn’t sure if he wanted that anymore. My hands ached, still balled into tight fists.