Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart (13 page)

“Actually it’s about four in the afternoon and I will go home tonight and get some sleep.  Doctor Hadler was here checking you.”

“It’s only four?  He was?  Jeez, I’ve lost track of time and I don’t remember seeing him at all.”

“Well you’ve been pretty knocked out, you know.  The pills are strong.”

“Maybe I won’t take any more then.  I’ll get better faster.”

“Don’t try to be the invincible man, Jame.  Take your meds.  They’ll ease the pain.”

“Did I tell you I saw Michael?  He was walking towards me and he had a winter coat on and it was snowing.  What do you think that means?”

I think it means you’re a friggin psychic! But I didn’t say that out loud.

“I think you were dreaming under anesthesia, Jame.”  I held on to the news that Jack gave me.  He needed his rest and was in no condition to weigh out our choices. I hated not telling him and promised myself I would do it soon.

I vowed to do whatever I could to reunite Jame and our son because I loved them both forever and ever.

Chapter 31

The next day they had Jame sitting up and walking around.  Painfully, but he took it on like the athlete he is.  One lap around the floor the first hour.  Two laps around the floor the second hour.  Three laps…until I told him to go sit down.  He was pushing himself too hard.

“Cath, give me my cell phone, will you?  I want to make a few calls.”

Oh great, he’ll see all the messages from Jack. Oh well, now or never.

“Jame, before I do that, I have something to tell you. It’s good news. Jack called before you got out of surgery.  He traced Michael to Boston.  He found him, Jame. He found him!”

“Holy shit! Are you kidding me?  God bless Jack Masterson.  Boston? What else did he say? Man, we have to get up there.”

“Right now you’re not going anywhere. He said Michael lives and works up there.”

But Jame was grabbing his phone and redialing.  He got through to Jack right away.

They had a long conversation of which I only heard one side- a lot of Jame saying, “No shit! Really? What?” and smiling like he won a championship.  His enthusiasm was contagious.

After he hung up, it was my turn to ask, “What did he say? Tell me right now!”

“Come here, Cath. I want you right here.”  I went to sit in the chair next to his bed but Jame grabbed my arm and pulled me down on the bed next to him.  He grunted as he slid back making room for me.  He leaned his forehead against mine and grinned. 

“We found our son, Cath.  Our son. He’s so close!”  We hugged and kissed. What a long journey we’ve been on together. Is something good finally going to come out of all that had happened?

“Michael went to Boston College on a volleyball scholarship and played there for four years.  Jack’s trying to get videos of his games so we can see him.  He did an internship at one of the corporations in Boston and they hired him right out of college.  He still works there.”

Jame gave me another kiss. “Jack wants us to decide our next step.  Since it was a closed adoption, by law we can’t just walk up to him and say hi, we’re your parents.  Jack suggested that sending a certified letter from him to Michael’s work so he signs for it and we know he got it, saying that he has been contacted by Michael’s birth parents to locate him and ask for a meeting is the best choice.”

“Well he has the experience here, not us, so maybe that’s the best idea. Do you agree?”

“Yeah, even though my first inclination is to drive up to Boston and comb the streets looking for him.”

“I know, honey, but right now concentrate on getting better and we’ll let Jack do his work.”

Jame came home from the hospital a few days later, and with getting his strength back and follow-up doctor appointments, plus a few articles I had committed to, we got into a regular routine of living together and Jame’s recuperation.  He pushed himself hard to get better because he had a goal now- to see his son.

He put Michael at age 15 photo by his side of the bed so he would see it when he got up in the morning and when he went to sleep at night.

“Man, do you think I could be a good dad, Cath?”

“Well, since he’s 26 you missed all the mistake-making opportunities. But yeah, I know you’ll be a good dad.  However, we haven’t heard back from Jack yet so we can’t get our hopes up.”

“I know. I know.  What’s taking so long? Grrrr, I HATE waiting!”

We went back to Doctor Hadler a week later.

“Jame and Cath, I will get right to the information.  Jame, we got all of your melanoma with all its edges and we took more from the site, which is why your wound is so large.  It will heal and we will take your drains out today. It looks good.”

Jame and I looked at each other with a sigh of relief.

“However, the biopsy showed the melanoma traveled to the sentinel lymph node so additional surgery and chemotherapy will be required for us to try to get it all.”

Jame and I didn’t move.  Did we just hear him right?  There’s more?  It’s worse than we thought?  Jame’s not getting better right away?

And then I saw the champion in my love.  He sat himself straight up in the chair, looked directly at the doctor as he reached for my hand and said, “I’ll do whatever it takes to get better.  I have to meet my son.”

Jack called us at the end of the week.  Michael was suspicious about the certified letter and refused to sign for it.  Jack kept sending it to him at work until by mistake another person signed for it.  Michael must have read it then because he emailed Jack and told him he was not interested in meeting us and to stop bothering him.

Chapter 32

Jame refused to give up on anything.  He walked and tried to jog to get himself healthier and stronger for his next surgery.  They had to go back in for a lymph node dissection, which is going after other lymph nodes in the area that might also have melanoma in them and take them out.  It was another serious surgery and he wanted it as soon as possible.  He held out that Michael will change his mind and asked Jack to email our son again.

It was now June and Jame’s surgery was scheduled for next week.  We went through all the preparations again, making all our lists.  

“Don’t you think you should let your mother know how serious this is getting, Jame?”

“It’s not that serious yet and no, I don’t want her here.”

Okaaaay. End of that discussion.

Erin and Kaitlin were wonderful.  They were home after their semester, although Erin was leaving soon to go back to Rutgers for summer photography courses that she couldn’t squeeze in before.  Kait worked as a nanny for a family who took her away on lots of vacations, so many nights it was just Jame and me.

We were sitting snuggled together on the back deck one evening and Jame turned to me very seriously.  “Cath, I wonder if you’re wondering why I haven’t brought up us getting married in a while.”

“I’ll ‘fess up. Yes, I have wondered.“

“I wanted to wait until after this next surgery and see what comes out of it.  And then I want to really do something to convince Michael to meet us because I want him here when I marry you.”

“Oh, Jame, it’s all so jumbled up. The next surgery scares me and I can’t imagine what you’re thinking and feeling about it. I am disappointed that Michael doesn’t want to meet us, but he is entitled to his choice.  And we don’t have to get married. I’m content with the way things are.” 

“Oh yes, we’re getting married, Cath.  I wanted that when we were in high school.  I
promised
that when we were in high school.  It’s taking me a very long time to make good on some of my promises, but that is one I am committed to keeping.  I want to be your husband and I want you to be my wife.  I want us to be together forever. “ He wrapped his arms around me so tightly. “I don’t ever want you ever to doubt me again.”

“Oh Jame, I don’t doubt your love and commitment.  I feel it every second of every minute.  My life is complete now with you in it.  I do want Michael here to be part of us, but we have to accept that that might not happen.  We made our decisions long ago and this is the consequence.”

Jack called to report that Michael never answered his email.  Jame worked out harder and harder. He was driven by a need even I couldn’t understand.  He was dealing with his demons of all the decisions he made and the life he had lived.  Nothing like staring cancer in the face to bring you to your knees.

Both girls wanted to be with me during his next surgery.  They had gotten very close to Jame and had an emotional stake in the outcome too. We sat and talked and looked at the clock.  Then talked some more.  Drank a lot of coffee, nibbled on some food, and prayed a whole lot.

Finally Doctor Hadler came out, looking weary and serious. My heart dropped.

“I’m sorry to tell you, Cath, but we found more than a half a dozen affected nodes. One to three is a better prognosis.  This many is very serious.    I wish I had better news.  I’ll be around to see him tomorrow.  Either I can tell him or you can.  There is chemotherapy and immunotherapy we can try.  We’ll talk more tomorrow.”  He patted my arm and left.

I sat stunned as Erin and Kait began to cry softly.  I picked up my phone and called Jack.

“Please email Michael and tell him his father has very serious cancer and that’s why he’s been trying to connect with him.  Ask him if he could find room in his heart to make a man’s dream come true.”

“Who’s Michael?” Erin sniffed and wiped her eyes and nose.

“Yeah, I thought Jame didn’t have any kids,” Kait added.

I told them the entire story of Jame and me and Michael.

Chapter 33

“Hey honey, wake up.” I stroked Jame’s brow and push his lock of dark hair away from his eyes.  He stirred a little but the morphine they had given him really knocked him out.

I sat back down in the chair alongside his bed and held his hand.  The same hand that first held mine back in ninth grade. I didn’t want to think much about anything. It was too difficult and too heart hurting.  This love of my life was back with me but for how long?  Oh God,
pleasepleasepleaseplease
. That’s all I could pray over and over again.

“Cath?”  Jame slurred it a little.

“Yes, sweetheart.  I’m right here.” I gave his hand a squeeze.

“Come closer.”  He tugged feebly on my hand.

“I’m here,” I said as I kissed his cheek.

“Will you marry me?” He gave a shadow of a smile and tried to open his eyes.

I lay my forehead on his and kissed his eyelids and nose and mouth.  “Yes, my love, I will marry you.”

The morning took way too long to come around.  I sat up in the chair holding his hand, sleeping in fits and starts. Long, dark nights in a hospital room are the pits.

“Hey Cath, you look like something the cat dragged in.” His sleepy eyes and grimace of his mouth belied the teasing tone of his words.

“Yeah, well you look worse than me, so there.  It ain’t easy sitting up all night taking care of a lazy good-for-nothing.”

He smiled at that and then asked what I had been dreading all night.  “How’d I do?”

“Oh, Jame.  It’s not so good, sweetheart.  Not too good.”  I held in my tears.  He didn’t need to see that now.

He rolled his head away from me.  “Shit.” And then he closed his eyes.

Dr. Hadler came in later when he was less groggy and explained some more about his choices in dealing with what was now advanced melanoma.  He would have his office send over pamphlets outlining the different protocols, their effectiveness and side effects.  It would be a hard road but it could help.

After he left, Jame slowly sat up in bed.  He gestured for me to come over and sit with him.

By now the tears were threatening and he put his arms around me and let me cry.  He remained stoic and solid, holding me tightly, my rock, my soul mate.

“Ok, that’s enough.  That’s all the crying allowed for today.” He lifted up my chin and mopped up my tears with the blankets.  “We have a wedding to plan. I wasn’t too drugged up not to remember that you said you would marry me.  This surgery is over, now on to the wedding!”

I went from crying to laughing quickly.  What an amazing man.  And he was mine.

“Ok soon-to-be-husband, what do we do first?”