Miss Manners (13 page)

So, reluctantly, I did.

I have to admit, Arabella did look very well put together; a bit like a painting, in fact. Besuited and pristine, with her brushed barnet perfectly in place, she looked as if she was ready to start reading the nine o’clock news.

‘
Firstly,’ she began, ‘I would like to say that no matter what Gok Wan might say, a tracksuit is NEVER stylish! Not even when Madonna wears one. It’s not about social cachet anymore. It’s about knowing how to be stylish. People always want that. And, as my mother always used to say, “Every day is a style day, darling.”’ Arabella pirouetted to face the whiteboard. ‘Now, girls, fashion and style are two different things entirely. Fashion is what you wear. Style is how you wear it. Style is also a way to present your personality. You are what you wear, as they say. We’re going to focus on each of your personalities before developing your individual styles.’

I felt like a fish in a bowl, or, more fitting, a rat in a lab.

‘So,’ Arabella continued, turning to face me, her hand wafting in front of my face, ‘what does Phoenix’s style tell you about her personality?’

The girls stared at each other momentarily
. Then Pinkie, who looked as if she were trying to work out whether or not she recognised me, put her hand up.

‘
Trashy.’ A cruel, conceited smile spread across her face.

The girls were clearly amused, biting their lips and staring at the ground. Arabella then signalled for Genevieve to step forward and face the group.

‘And what about Genevieve?’ Arabella wafted a hand at Genevieve as if she were a delicate china teacup.

This time, Pinkie remained scornfully silent whilst another girl, Frunella Fudge, put her hand up.
‘Classy?’

‘
Well, as you can see,’ Arabella explained, ‘the grey tracksuit that Phoenix is wearing is shapeless and unflattering and the trainers complete the scruffy look. What this ensemble tells me about Phoenix’s personality is that she is disorganised and lazy.’

‘
What?’ I snapped angrily.

‘
Whereas Genevieve, on the other hand, has cultivated a simple yet sophisticated Parisian-inspired style with a classic beret, black dress and a pair of Mary Janes. What this ensemble tells me about Genevieve’s personality is that she is confident and mature.’

Genevieve smiled smugly in agreement, looking around at the other girls.

‘When it comes to style, I want you to think Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly and Jackie O. Now,’ Arabella turned to face me once more. ‘Do you own a pair of heels?’

‘
No,’ I replied blankly.

The girls, who were all wearing heels, stared at me as if I were the Anti
christ, muttering amongst themselves.

‘
You don’t own a pair of heels? But every girl needs a pair of heels.’

‘
Well, I’ve borrowed a pair of Jimmy Choos. They’re in my bag,’ I conceded.

‘
Well, what are you waiting for?’

I
hurried over to my rucksack, pulled them out, then ran back to Arabella.

‘
Walk, never run!’ Arabella shouted, scaring me nearly half to death. ‘Running is most unladylike. Now, please put them on.’

So
I did as I was told, taking off my socks and trainers then slipping on the Jimmys.

‘
As you can see, a pair of heels provides an instant facelift to any outfit. It can even make a tatty tracksuit look like an accident on purpose. Remember, shoes are for fashion, not function.’

After
almost an hour of deconstructing each of the girls’ styles in the how-to-dress session, we had lunch, then moved on to image management.

‘
Image, girls, is everything,’ Arabella announced. ‘So, what we’re going to focus on next is how to look good in photographs.’

Arabella walked over to the laptop and projection screen towards the back of the room
. As she spoke, she ran a series of celebrity shots on the projector, featuring gurning, drunkenness, bad dancing and knickerlessness. The group sniggered, hands covering their mouths of course (another one of the rules).

Oh man, lucky they don
’t have access to my laptop
.
Plenty of embarrassing photos!

‘
Okay, so now that we’ve taken a look at a few examples of bad poses, let’s take a look at the good.’ And with that, she streamed a selection of celebrities posing at a variety of events. The most popular was undoubtedly the left leg forward, chest out, hand on hip pose.

‘
This is a classic pose,’ said Arabella. ‘It instantly makes legs appear longer and thinner.’

Actually, it makes you look like you
’re dying for the loo
.

We then looked at poses to suit high
-profile events such as movie premieres, restaurant openings and charity galas.

‘
I want you girls to stand in a straight line facing the mirrors, ready to practise a few poses.’

Pinkie and Genevieve, or should I say
Tweedledum and Tweedledee, sashayed over, hands on hips, to stand at opposite ends of the line to each other. Each time Arabella announced an event, we had to strike a suitable pose. Pinkie and Genevieve were constantly attempting to out-pose one another, running though their range of expressions.

It looked quite painful, actually.
You should have seen their fish faces and I-need-the-loo poses. Cringe.

‘
Shoulders back, chest forward, stomach in,’ Arabella chanted whilst pacing to and fro. ‘Diamanté, head forward. You don’t want a double chin now, do you?’

Whil
e we were posing and pouting, Murphy Richards, the publicist, and Ahmed, the photographer, burst into the room. Murphy, who had his back turned to the group, was speaking into two phones: one loudly, the other quietly.

‘
YES, PHIL, I AM AWARE THE SPREAD NEEDS TO GO IN TODAY. I TOLD YOU, I’M GETTING THE NAMES TODAY! Hi Susan, try the second drawer in the bedroom. It should be there. NO! I CAN’T SEND THEM TO YOU NOW! I TOLD YOU, I’LL HAVE THEM READ BY 5 P.M.!’ Hi, sorry about that Susan. If it’s not in the second drawer, try the kitchen drawer. Yes, Phil, it should be done by five. NO, SUSAN, THE SECOND DRAWER. NO, I’M NOT SHOUTING... I’m not shouting at you, Susan.’

As Murphy finally turned around, he found all the girls, frozen, staring at him in shock.

‘I’ve got to go,’ he said, panicked, ending both calls abruptly. ‘Sorry about that, everyone. I thought we were in the next room.’

Brie stood up like a blushing spinster.
‘Ah, girls, this is publicist Murphy Richards and photographer Ahmed Khan.’

‘
Ahmed, would you be so kind as to take a few photos of our girls striking a few poses so that we can review them a little later?’ Arabella asked.

As Murphy went to sit down awkwardly amongst the other tutors, who all gave him scathing stares, Arabella announced a list of events. But this time, instead of facing the mirrors, we had to strike poses for the camera, taking it in turns to be photographed around the ballroom.

‘Try the Look Away trick, girls. Look away from the camera, then turn towards it, breaking into a smile just before the camera clicks. This way, your smile will appear fresher, not frozen,’ Arabella suggested.

After about an hour of rehearsing poses and pouts, Arabella then critiqued the photos on the projector, which was
pretty cringe. I mean, in one photo, I looked like a gibbon on a trip.

‘
Okay, girls,’ Brie sang, tossing her Hermès scarf over her shoulder (I’d actually managed to learn a few designer names back at the
Couture
closet). ‘As it’s nearing the end of the day, it’s time I handed you over to Murphy Richards, who already represents Pinkie and Genevieve, but will be representing you all throughout the course of Miss Manners.’

Whil
e there were a few excited giggles and chatter amongst the girls, I just stood there silently expecting the worst.

‘
Hello, girls,’ he said, rolling his tongue. ‘I’m Murphy Richards (www.murphyrichards.com). I may have approached a few of you already. But if I haven’t, then allow me to explain. Throughout Miss Manners and all associated events, I will be representing all twelve of you individually, generating and managing all your publicity. Now, I have already arranged for each of you to have a photo shoot at
Couture
tonight. In fact, there’s a car waiting to pick you all up right now.’

The girls
cheered with delight. I, on the other hand, was nail-bitingly nervous. I had never done a photo shoot before.

‘
Brie will provide me with a list of all your new names, which will be printed along with today’s photos in the national press tomorrow.’

‘
No way!’ Posy danced like an overexcited puppy.

‘
Just think of me as your fairy godfather. Just one wave of my magic wand and Cinderella will go to the ball.’

Oh man, I really hope this
isn’t his tagline. The girls seem to like it, though.

‘
I hope you haven’t abandoned the Who Stole Pinkie’s Diary story, Murphy?’ Pinkie said spitefully.

‘
No, of course not, darling. In the light of recent events, it would seem that whoever did steal your diary and write that blog is standing in this room right now.’ Murphy glanced at me suspiciously from the corner of his eye.

The girls all looked at each other, shocked at first, then incriminatingly.

‘Well.’ Pinkie followed Murphy’s gaze, then stared at me. ‘Whoever doesn’t belong here is guilty of the crime.’

Everyone was
looking at me expectantly. So I said, ‘Innocent until proven guilty.’

‘
Look, let’s not point fingers at anyone. Right now, we have a photo shoot to do,’ Murphy announced, clapping his hands to break the spell.

Brie took this as her cue to wrap everything up.
‘Okay, girls,’ she chirped. ‘Please form two lines and follow me.’

As we stepped outside, a swarm of
paparazzi snapped away.

Whil
e Pinkie and Genevieve were soaking up all the attention, I tried to escape to the car, which turned out to be an enormous black Hummer. Brie, Arabella, Murphy and Ahmed were already inside, so I jumped in as quickly as possible, hoping I didn’t get papped.

This was less finishing school, more fame academy. In fact, with Pinkie and Genevieve around, it was more fool
’s academy.

13

Photo shoot

Once inside the Hummer one of the contestants, Lola Bentley, asked Genevieve for her autograph.

‘
Did you want mine, too?’ said Pinkie, a flash of jealousy in her eyes.

‘
No, that’s okay.’ Lola smiled before turning back to Genevieve.

It was pretty weird to think that Pinkie and Genevieve had actually been best friends once. I mean, they were like chalk and cheese. Size zero versions of Laurel and Hardy.

After arriving at
Couture
around ten minutes later, we were ushered to Level Six, where I bumped into Henry. Today, his thick, ice-blond hair was on show and he was wearing jeans with a grey vest over a white shirt. He smelled like fabric conditioner and talcum powder, and, for some reason, I had a major urge to hug him. Weird.

‘
Hey, Anna,’ he said charmingly. ‘How was your first day at the academy? I tried to call you earlier.’

‘
It was the longest day of my
entire
life,’ I said, which was true. It was also the strangest. ‘Name changing, styling, camera posing... the list goes on.’

‘
No kidding!’ he said, grinning.

‘
And now they’re making me do a photo shoot! Can you believe it?’

‘
What time do you finish?’

I checked my watch.
‘Well, it’s half six now, so I’d say around nine-ish?’

‘
Okay, cool. In that case, I’ll see you later, then.’ Henry smiled, his pearly whites gleaming.

Wow,
I never noticed how cute his smile was until now. Wait, stop it Anna!

‘
Sure,’ I said, then ran to catch up with the others in the studio.

What was wrong with me? Why was I suddenly acting so weird around Henry? Maybe it was due to the side effects of the long
est, weirdest day of my life?

Once we were all assembled in the studio,
twenty-six hairdressers and beauticians spent around an hour doing our hair and make-up, which made me feel like a model at a Milan fashion show.

‘
Hello, girls!’ Danko sashayed into the room, holding at least twenty outfits. ‘Exciting news!
Couture
will be doing a twelve-page feature (one page each) on you all, which will be printed on Wednesday! So, are you all ready for your shoot?’

Whilst the girls all screamed
‘Yes’ in unison, I noticed Sophie helping Sam Mills out with the accessories box. Once she’d caught sight of me, I decided to try and make peace.

‘
Hi, Sophie,’ I said, half smiling.

Sophie didn
’t respond. Instead, she checked her watch, then started talking into her Dictaphone. ‘Item seven hundred and ninety-two: six forty-two p.m. What is Passé doing in the fashion studio? If she’s a Miss Manners contestant, then I bet
she
stole Pinkie’s diary!’ Sophie raised her voice in the hope that Pinkie would hear the accusation. I’m sure I saw her make a note of this in her Book of Snitch, too. Sophie glared at me carnivorously before stomping off.

‘
Okay, girls. So, based on your measurements, I’ve managed to select a few gorgeous outfits for you to wear today.’ Danko handed out each outfit according to who he thought it would suit (not to mention fit; the outfits were teensy). Mine, which I just about managed to fit into, was an extremely beautiful House of Rena purple chiffon kaftan with a diamond-shaped Swarovski embellishment on the front. According to the price tag still attached, it was worth six hundred pounds!

Once we had all put on our outfits, we sat down to wait our turn. First up was Pinkie, who
had insisted on wearing a Loralie tutu prom dress. Ahmed was at the ready behind his camera, clicking away as Pinkie attempted to fit as many poses as was humanely possible into the space of five minutes.

Seriously, I
’ve seen fish pout less than Pinkie. Except I’ve never really understood why anyone would want to look like a fish?

‘
Thank you, Pinkie. That was beautiful,’ announced Danko, who then winked jokingly.

Pinkie pirouetted, then smiled maliciously as if to say
‘Beat that’ as she brushed past Genevieve, whose turn it was next.

Whilst Pinkie preferred to pay homage to Marilyn Monroe, Genevieve opted for the Jessica Rabbit look. She was wearing a red sequinned Ruth Tarvydas dress slashed to the thigh, which matched her lipstick. She reminded me of Michael Jackson
’s glove. Ten poses later and it was finally my turn.

Breathe in, breathe out
, I coached myself.

Everyone, including Sophie, was staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to slip up. As Genevieve leered and Pinkie jeered, my mind went blank and I couldn
’t remember any of the poses. So, I just stood there, scared stiff. And when I’m scared stiff, I need the loo. Suddenly, I remembered the I-need-the-loo pose!

A
s soon as I struck a pose, I was blinded by a series of continuous flashes. It was an epileptic’s worst nightmare.

‘
Okay, well done, girls!’ Danko said, clapping. ‘We have two writers in today, Henry Biggins and Sophie Brown, who will be interviewing you.’

I looked over at Henry, who
gave a little wave from the corner of the room.

‘
So,’ Danko continued, ‘I’m going to split you up into two groups. Group A will be interviewed by Henry and will consist of the following girls: Phoenix Valentine, Posy Fairweather, India Knight, Saphira Gold, Diamanté Richards, Lola Bentley and Genevieve de la Croix. Group B will be interviewed by Sophie – that’s Frunella Fudge, Medina Lake, Kendra MacMillan, Mimi Monroe, Darcy Dixon and Pinkie Mortimer.’

Phew! At least I wasn
’t going to be interviewed by Sophie
.

‘
So, first up from Group A is Phoenix and from Group B, Frunella.’

As well as neve
r having done a photo shoot, I’d never been interviewed, either. So, naturally, I didn’t have a clue what sort of questions to expect.

As I sat down, Henry smiled, then whispered,
‘Hello... Phoenix.’

‘
It’s not funny. I have no choice. So you’d better not start calling me by that ridiculous name!’

‘
I won’t. I promise,’ Henry said, crossing his fingers. ‘Phoenix.’ He grinned cheekily.

I pulled a face.
‘Okay, so what’s the first question?’

Henry picked up his notebook
and flicked through the pages. ‘What would you do if you won Miss Manners?’

I sat there for a moment, looking blank. I didn
’t have the faintest clue how to answer the question.

‘
Should I tell the truth or lie?’ I asked him.

‘
Well, that depends on whether you’re answering as Anna Borgström or Phoenix Valentine,’ he said.

I thought carefully for a moment, trying to
come up with the ‘perfect’ answer.

‘
Okay, so, answering as Phoenix Valentine, I would work with UNICEF to tackle the issue of gender discrimination by building more schools and supplying more female teachers in countries like Afghanistan, where parents won’t allow their daughters to be taught by men. All girls have dreams and the right to realise those dreams.’

‘
Good answer,’ Henry said, raising his eyebrows. ‘I probably would’ve just said “world peace” or something along those lines.’

‘
But, as Anna Borgström, I probably would’ve said something like “so I can rub it in Pinkie’s face”.’

Henry lau
ghed. ‘Okay, so next question: what is your favourite pair of shoes and why?’

Shoes? The only pair of shoes I really wore
were my trainers. I was crap when it came to naming designers and stuff. So, I just lifted my foot and read the label underneath the heels I was wearing.

‘
Jimmy Choo,’ I read, before putting my foot back down again, ‘because they make me feel like a... princess.’ I smiled, then added, ‘But, as Anna, I’d say my five-year-old Puma trainers, because I can actually walk in them.’

‘
I also felt like a princess in a pair of Jimmys,’ he joked. ‘Anyway, speaking of princesses, which Disney princess would you be, and why?’

‘
Um... probably Cinderella because she gets to wear a gorgeous gown, go to a ball and find her Prince Charming.’

Henry laughed.

‘Answering as Phoenix Valentine, remember?’ I reminded him.

‘
Okay, so, next question: wouldn’t you agree that there are similarities between you and Cinderella?’

‘
Yeah, but minus the Prince Charming.’

Henry
’s expression suddenly became a bit more serious. He leaned in a little closer. ‘What are you doing after lessons tomorrow, by the way?’

‘
If I tell you, you’re not going to print it, are you?’ I joked.

Henry shook his head and laughed.
‘It’s just that I thought we could go and do something a little different? You know, something that is in no way related to either
Couture
or Miss Manners,’ he said, twizzling his pen nervously.

Wait a sec, was Henry asking me out on a date?

‘What did you have in mind?’ I asked.

‘
It’s a surprise!’ he said, his eyes widening and teeth glistening.

‘
Tell me. I don’t like surprises,’ I admitted.

‘
Meet me at six outside Covent Garden station, then you’ll find out.’

My heart began beating loudly in my ears, drowning out the voice in my head that kept saying
, ‘Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.’

I nodded
. ‘Okay. I’ll see you at six tomorrow, then.’ I smiled, stomach somersaulting, then stood up to let the next girl have her turn.