Miss Brown Is Upside Down!

To Emma

My name is A.J. and I hate being smart.

If you ask me, being smart is dumb. When you're a smart kid, grown-ups expect you to be smart all the time. Then they get all upset when you do something dumb. But when you're a dumb kid, grown-ups expect you to be dumb all the time. Then when you do something dumb, it's
no big deal. But when you do something smart, they act like you're a
genius.

That's why my friends and I act dumb all the time. We want to lower the expectations of grown-ups. That's the first rule of being a kid.

It was Monday morning. We were in Mr. Cooper's class, arguing about which one of us is the dumbest.

“I'm dumber than you are,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.

“I'm dumber than both of you,” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.

“I'm the dumbest kid in the history of the world,” said Neil, who we call the nude
kid even though he wears clothes.

“I was dumb before any of you dumbheads were even
born
,” said Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.

We had to end the discussion. You'll never believe in a million hundred years who ran into the door at that moment.

Nobody! Why would you run into a door? That would be
really
dumb. But you'll never believe who ran into the door
way
.

It was Mr. Klutz, our principal! He has no hair on his head at all. But he did have a hat on his head, and on top of the hat was a big lightbulb.

That was weird. Mr. Klutz's bald head
already looks like a lightbulb. So he really doesn't need a lightbulb hat.

“Can anyone guess why there's a lightbulb over my head this morning?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“Because it didn't fit in your pocket?” I asked.

“A.J., you need to raise your hand,” said Mr. Cooper. “Don't just blurt things out.”
*

Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair, was waving her hand in the air like she had to go to the bathroom really badly. Andrea keeps a dictionary on her desk so she can look up words and
show everybody how smart she is. Of course, Mr. Klutz called on her.

“A lightbulb over your head means you have a good idea,” she said.

“That's right, Andrea!” said Mr. Cooper.

Andrea smiled the smile that she smiles to let everybody know that she knows something nobody else knows. Why can't a truck full of lightbulbs fall on her head?

“Do you want to hear what my good idea is?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“Yes!” said all the girls.

“No!” said all the boys.

I didn't want to hear Mr. Klutz's idea. Usually, when he has an idea, that means we have to learn stuff. Learning stuff is boring. If I was principal of a school, nobody would ever have to learn anything. I would let the kids have recess all day long.

But you probably want to know what
Mr. Klutz's genius idea was.

Well, I'm not gonna tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

“We're starting an exciting new program!” Mr. Klutz told us.

All the girls started whispering to each other and rubbing their hands together, as if we were going to get ice cream or something.

“You're going to participate in the Brain
Games!” said Mr. Klutz.

The Brain Games? I didn't like the sound of that. I hate using my brains. Using your brains means thinking. And thinking means learning. And learning isn't fun.

That's when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

A lady walked into our classroom.

Well, that's not the weird part, because ladies walk into our classroom all the time.

The weird part was that the lady walked into our classroom on her
hands
!

“I'm going to let Miss Brown explain the Brain Games to you,” said Mr. Klutz.

“Miss Brown is upside down!” I shouted.
*

“You need to raise your hand, A.J.,” said Mr. Cooper.

Then Miss Brown jumped up so she was on her feet like a normal person.

“You're probably wondering why I was walking on my hands,” she said. “
Anybody
can walk
on their feet. It's more creative to walk on your hands.”

“Miss Brown is an expert on creativity,” said Mr. Klutz. “She's going to be your coach for the Brain Games.”

“The Brain Games are a competition where you use your brains,” said Miss Brown. “It involves creative projects blah blah blah think differently blah blah blah create and explore blah blah blah . . .”

What a snoozefest. I had no idea what she was talking about.

“When I say ‘up,' I want you to think ‘down,'” said Miss Brown. “When I say ‘in,' I want you to think ‘out.'”

“This isn't going to be one of those
boring educational activities, is it?” asked Mr. Cooper.

Ewww
, Mr. Cooper said the
E
word!

“Oh no, the Brain Games are going to be
fun
!” said Miss Brown. “The kids are going to create their own vehicle, and they're going to build a bridge, too. Doesn't that sound like fun?”

“Yes!” shouted all the girls.

“No!” shouted all the boys.

“The Brain Games are sponsored by the Jiggly gelatin company,” said Miss Brown. “I'm sure you've all tasted Jiggly at home.”

“It jiggles, so you know it's good,” added Mr. Klutz.

I've tasted Jiggly gelatin. It looks like Jell-O, but it tastes horrible. My mother
gave Jiggly to me one time when I was sick. It was worse than the medicine.

“And here's the
big
news,” said Mr. Klutz. “Your class is going to compete against
another
school to see which third grade will be the Brain Games champion of our town.”

“Which school?” we all asked.

“Dirk School,” said Mr. Klutz.

WHAT?! No! Not Dirk School! Dirk School is on the other side of town. That's where the really smart kids go. We call it Dork School.

I didn't like the whole idea of the Brain Games. I guess I was making a mean face.

“What's the matter, A.J.?” asked Mr. Cooper.

“The Brain Games sound like a way to trick dumb kids into being smart,” I said.

“There's no way we can beat those Dirk jerks anyway,” said Ryan.

“Yeah, they're
way
too smart,” said Michael.

“You kids are smart, too,” said Mr. Klutz, “and I think you can win. Oh, by the way, there will be a prize for the school that
wins the Brain Games.”

“A prize?” asked Andrea.

“A prize?” asked Emily, a big crybaby who says everything Andrea says.

“A prize?” asked Alexia.

In case you were wondering, everybody was saying “a prize?”

“The school that wins the Brain Games,” said Mr. Klutz, “will get a trip to PizzaWorld Water Park!”

“WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

PizzaWorld is the coolest water park in the history of water parks. You get to go down a water slide on a giant slice of pizza. They have a tomato sauce log flume. The best ride is Cheese Mountain, a roller coaster
on a mountain made of cheese. And in the snack bar you get all the pizza you can eat.

“We need to choose a team captain,” said Miss Brown. “Are any of you in the gifted and talented program?”

Andrea's hand shot up in the air.

“Aren't you in the G and T program, too, A.J.?” asked Mr. Cooper.

I slinked down in my seat. I never wanted to be in the gifted and talented program. That's for dorks like Andrea. But Ms. Coco, our gifted and talented teacher, forced me into it.

“Okay, A.J. and Andrea will be the cocaptains of your Brain Games team,” said Mr. Cooper.

“Ooooo!”
Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea are cocaptains. They must be in
love
!”

“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

If those guys weren't my best friends, I would hate them.