G'Day USA

G’Day USA

Tony McFadden

Copyright © 2012 Tony McFadden

All rights reserved.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to
Amazon.com
and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author

For Dora. She made me a reader.

Disclaimer

This is a work of fiction and as such, the characters and situations in this book are entirely fictional.

Except for those characters whose names you recognize. They’re real, but the words coming out of their mouths are entirely mine.

Reader’s familiar with the Venice Beach area may notice some geographic discrepancies. Sorry. I’ve taken the liberty of adding some apartments and cafes to facilitate the flow of the story.

There really is a
Kevin Pollak’s Chat Show
at, not surprisingly, www.kevinpollakschatshow.com

I highly recommend you stop by and visit. It’s a blast.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Big thanks to my beta-readers, Gord, Kay, Kelley and Norm for their valuable input.

And thanks again to Syd Gill (www.sydgill.com) for another fantastic front cover.

Chapter One

Kevin Pollak looked into the camera. ‘If you’re just joining us, what the fuck? We started over two hours ago. Fix the clock on your iPhone. We’re having a nice chat with Ellie Bourke, one of the stars of the soon-to-be-released
Blood Thunder,
poster girl for Australian beauty and all around nice girl.’ He shifted into his impeccable Carson. ‘And so, Miss Bourke, we come to where you are now. On the precipice of international stardom.’

I smiled. I could barely believe it myself. And I was sharing it with Kevin Pollak on his weekly Chat Show.

Such as it was. Four of us in a small studio, a couple of cameras and a table and he
owned
the place.

He continued. ‘We saw early copies just last week. Loved it.’ He turned to the two cohorts to my left. ‘Jaime? Sammy?’

They both started talking at once, then Samm stopped and let Jaime talk. ‘I bawled my eyes out at the end. And don’t let these guys tell you any different. They did too.’

Samm shrugged. ‘What can I say? Excellent flick.’ He held up a finger. ‘You do know, of course, David Paymer stole another role from me. Once again I lost out to that bastard. I could have been one of those scientists.’

I laughed. It was a running gag with Sammy. ‘Are you serious? We could have been working together in this, too?’

Kevin interrupted. ‘That’s right. How did I miss that? Who did this dossier? They are fucking fired. You guys had two episodes of
Modern Family
together, am I right Samm?’

‘
Indeed. Ellie was in her second episode as the tutor and they brought my character back for a couple of shows.’

I had to pinch myself. Not much more than a year ago I was doing cattle calls and barely scraping by, ready to head back to Australia and now here I was, days away from the premiere of what promised to be as big as
Avatar
.

He tapped the table. ‘Earth to Ellie. You okay?’

‘
Hell yeah. I was just thinking about how much has happened in the last, what, sixteen months? Completely different world.’

‘
How different?’

‘
I had maybe $200 to my name, living in my car because I couldn’t go back in the guest house I was living in.’

‘
Because of the...’

He had the decency to not push it. ‘Yeah. Joel was killed in there. Killed by the guy who owned it. I was literally packed and ready to go back to Australia.’

‘
And now, I hear, you’ve got a nice place on Venice Beach, just down the road from Jaime and I.’

I nodded. ‘That whole area is a freak zone. A nice freak zone. Makes me feel normal. Very, very normal. The strangest part of my life now is that I actually own a gun. A cop friend suggested I have one and learn how to use it if I was going to be going out at all hours for movie work.’ I took a sip of ice water. My bladder was starting to announce it’s imminent need to void. ‘What’s the longest one of these “conversations” you’ve done?’

‘
Eddie Izzard held the record for quite a long time. What was the date, Sammy?’

‘
Would have been October 11, 2009. He’s an amazing actor. Two hours and thirty one minutes.’

‘
Right you are. And it didn’t feel a minute over a flat two hours. His record was smashed by Damon Lindelof.’

‘
Interview 117, 27th of June. Went an astounding two hours and forty-eight minutes.’ Either Samm had a fantastic memory or he had
imdb.com
open on his phone.

‘“
Conversation”, Sammy, not an interview.’ Kevin looked up at the clock. ‘We’re sitting at a bit over two-fifteen. Think you can break his time?’

‘
Only if you let me pee on the floor. I’m going to pop in about ten minutes.’

‘
Ah, well, we can’t have that.’ He steepled his fingers. ‘The gun. You really think you need one? Jaime won’t let me keep one in the house.’

I shook my head. ‘Like I said. Never used it. It’s been in the drawer by my bed for the last six months. The last time I took it out was during the shoot. We had gun training and I thought it would be good to get mine out and fire a few off at the range. Almost broke my wrist.’

Kevin laughed. ‘In deference to your bladder, it’s probably time to wrap things up. You ready for your Larry King? Do you want me to go over the rules first?’

Jaime interrupted. ‘Before you get to Larry King, can I ask a question? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.’

‘
No, no. Anything. I’m an open book.’ I had a feeling I knew where she was going with this.

‘
It’s about Bart Sweeney’s trial.’

Bingo. ‘Surprised you took this long to mention it.’

‘
We’re nothing, if not sensitive.’ Jaime smiled. ‘What do you think of the trial? How it’s playing out?’

I shrugged. ‘I haven’t been paying any attention to it. The guy’s an asshole, not fit to scrape the dog shit off my shoes. I understand there won’t be a death penalty option, unfortunately, because the evidence I provided to the police showed it was an accident. But since he killed Joel in the commission of another crime, drugging him for sex, the penalty should be pretty stiff. You know he actually broke the foot of a fellow actor to get him to limp properly for a role? The man was an absolute psychopath.’

Kevin slipped into his Peter Falk, right eye dancing independently of the left. ‘Oh, uh, just one more thing, before I forget, how did you nail the bastard?’

I couldn’t help but smile. He was dead on. ‘Found a recording on Joel’s phone.’

He dropped the Falk bit. ‘Yeah, I heard. But how did it happen that he was recording at the time? That was never explained. I always thought that was too much of a coincidence.’

‘
Joel kept an audio diary of every day.’ I sniffed and shook my head. ‘He wanted to be you, you know.’

‘
Be me? I’m already me.’

‘
You know what I mean. He wanted to emulate your career. The first fifteen minutes of the recording was him bursting with excitement about being on this show.’ Sad smile. ‘He never made it.’ I sniffed. ‘Bumming me out. Can we change the subject?’

Kevin looked at his cohorts. ‘Absolutely. Too much good stuff coming up in your life for you to keep it sad. Larry King?’

‘
Larry King.’

‘
Okay. Gather your thoughts while I explain this for our viewers at home. Here are the rules: Larry King is approaching his second century. Eventually he will reveal something on air we never wanted to hear. You need to do a poor Larry King impression, and I must impress upon you it must be poor, reveal a disturbing fact about Larry King, not yourself, and if you have a good city name to throw to, that’s even better. That’s your camera. When you’re ready.’

I leaned my elbows on the table, dropped my head and lowered my voice as much as I could. ‘
Ya know, mating kangaroos are as disturbing a sight as you would imagine them to be. Woolloomooloo, hit me.
’

Kevin slapped the desk. ‘Put down your pencils, we have a winner. Of course. Kangaroos. Woolloomooloo? That’s a place?’

‘
My dad lives there. It is a place.’

He collected his papers. ‘Fantastic. Now if you’ll sit there uncomfortably for a couple of minutes, I’ll wrap things up.’

‘
Go for it.’ I sat back. The bladder was getting insistent. He pulled it all together, announcing the interviewees for the next couple of weeks and then finished with his usual close:

‘
Thanks for watching and as always, get outta my face.’

After a two-second pause one of the voices behind the cameras said, ‘Okay, we’re clear.’

I exhaled a held breath. ‘Great. That was fun, really. Where’s the bathroom?’

Jaime pointed to a door behind the cameras. ‘Second on the right.’

When I got back, at least three pounds lighter, Jaime and Kevin were muttering to each other in a corner. They stopped when they saw me. ‘What is it guys? Something I said? If Sweeney tries to sue for what I said about him, he’ll be coming after me, not you. And I know where he hurts. Don’t worry about it. Or was it the swearing? We Aussies swear a lot.’

‘
So you haven’t heard the news?’ Jaime took me by both hands. ‘No, you couldn’t have. It just happened.’

‘
What happened?’

‘
Sweeney’s been released.’

‘
He got bail? Wait, no. That doesn’t make sense. The judge denied bail right up front. How? Did he escape?’

‘
Released. His attorney persuaded the judge to throw out the case this afternoon.’

‘
What? It’s a rock solid case. I should know. I built it.’

‘
That, unfortunately, is part of the reason it’s been tossed. They’re saying the evidence, most of it, anyway, came from you, and you were pissed off at him for hitting on you so much. Some other reasons also, but that’s the main one.’ Jaime pulled her hands back. ‘Ouch.’

‘
Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to squeeze. Oh, what the fuck is this place coming to? He better not cross my path.’ I scratched my head. An ideal day turned to shit in thirty-seconds. New record. ‘I’ve got to go. Thanks again for doing letting me do this. I know only a couple of hundred people were watching live, but it was still fun. I’ve got to get going. Some busy days ahead.’

‘
Well, you didn’t reach Sugar Ray Leonard numbers, but you were in the mid-four digits at one point. And the podcast will be watched by thousands more.’ Kevin surprised me by giving me a hug. I’m at least four inches taller than him. ‘Did he really break a fellow actor’s foot? Would have thought that would have come out at trial.’

I pulled away. ‘I didn’t find out until after the trial. Too bad. Would have been good to add a couple of nails to his coffin. He might still be in there.’