Minor Demons (13 page)

Baal smiled.

“There we go. That’s the Leech I saw back in the death pit. You speak your mind and you care a great deal what you think about yourself. You remind me a little bit of myself. Even in feigned humility, your ambition takes precedence.”

“Well I understand what could have happened if I had screwed it up. I didn’t screw it up though. I was able to think on my feet. I have at least two deaths from the trial. I’ll bet the kids were pretty messed up after the crash too.”

“Yes I was just looking over the final numbers and the impact from your temptation of Bill. The mother in the other car died. Bill died. The driver of the Dodge Viper got away clean but the guilt ate at him for the rest of his life.”

“And the little kids?”

“I’m talking, Leech. Don’t interrupt me. This is the only time I’m going to say that.”

“Sorry, General.”

“The two boys were separated and raised in foster care. The seven-year-old was eventually adopted and turned into a Christian...”

Baal sneered at what he had just read and then continued.

“...The ten-year-old, however, was passed around from foster home to foster home until he had a foster father that drank and beat him. He ended up killing his foster father with a kitchen knife one night after he had passed out from drinking. He went to juvenile corrections and turned into a petty theft and small-time gangster.”

“So from your two initial fatalities, we can add one extended fatality and a small-time thug who eventually went to Hell. Not a bad pull.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Baal closed the folder and got up.

“Just between you and me, this will be enough to keep you in fourth. Andras will come close but he’ll stay in fifth. We can’t have a wolf conjurer taking away your spot.”

“Well I think it helps that I kicked his ass, too. Right?”

“Yes. That helps. We have to make it look like he came close though. His temptation trial went slightly better than yours did. Not good enough to take you from fourth, I think, but it has to look like he came close.”

“What about Lilith? Do you think I’ll knock her from third place?”

“Doubtful.”

Leech hung his head. Baal put his hand on his shoulder.

“There’s nothing wrong with taking fourth place, young one. If you remember the order the major demons were appointed, you’ll recall that a very badass demon ended up taking fourth place. Do you remember which one that was?”

Leech thought for a minute. Lucian. Cain. Vixen... and then...

“It was you, General. You were the fourth appointed major demon.”

“I was. Let me tell you a secret, Leech. I don’t fear Vixen. I don’t fear Cain. I fucking hate Lucian. In my own mind, I’m easily the first place pick every time.”

Leech smiled.

“I fucking hate Lucian too, General.”

Baal couldn’t help but laugh.

L
eech was swarmed by demons-in-training as soon as he exited the temptation trial but he held out his hand and signaled for everyone to clear him a path. He then limped to where Shadow was waiting.

“How’d it go?”

“Not terrible. Baal pretty much guaranteed I’ll hold my place.”

“Well maybe he is trying to recruit you after all. I’ve never heard of Baal guaranteeing anything to anyone. Interesting though, no one usually makes fourth place a minor demon right after the trials.”

“He told me that I remind him of him. That must be all it takes. Besides, he didn’t say he was looking for a new minor demon. Maybe he’s just thinking I’d be a good recruit someday.”

“How were your final numbers?”

“Two fatalities, one extended fatality and one low-level thief that ended up in Hell. Baal said it wasn’t a bad pull.”

Shadow looked impressed.

“He’s right. If Baal wasn’t running the last trial, I honestly think it would be a tossup between you and Andras for fourth though.”

Leech looked mildly annoyed.

“I beat Andras in the death pit.”

“Yes, you did. Do you know how many times a demon-in-training has been able to get a simulated human to summon him to earth, though? I’m not saying he’d take your place, I’m saying it would have been close.”

“Baal said the same thing. He’ll probably end up within a few points of me.”

Shadow and Leech noticed that everything had gone quiet around them. When they looked around, they saw Lilith entering the final trial.

“Holy Hell! Is it gonna be like that every time that piece of ass walks somewhere?”

Shadow expected Leech to comment but he realized that Leech had entered his dazed, drooling state. Shadow elbowed him hard in the ribs.

“Ow.”

Leech looked around to see what was happening.

“Shit man. Is it going to be like that anytime we see her?”

“What’s this ‘we’? I was fine.”

“Yeah well I can’t help it. It’s that ass, Shadow. It’s so round and perfect and...”

Shadow caught Leech staring again and he slapped him across the back of the head.

“Stop looking at her, dumbass.”

“Sorry.”

Leech looked at the ground.

“Tell me when she’s gone.”

Shadow waited for Lilith to enter the final trial.

“She’s in now.”

“How do you think she’s gonna play it?”

“The sex angle, obviously. She’ll go for a large number of bastards born that’ll end up being raised by single mothers. Some will turn that shit into a good life but the majority of them won’t. It won’t bring in a huge kill count but she could take more down to hell overall than... well...”

“I get it. Lilith has me beat.”

“You’re just lucky you didn’t have to face her in the last trial. That fight would have been the shortest goddamn fight in the history of the death pit. You would have just stared at her while she closed her whip around your neck and sliced your head clean off.”

Leech opened his mouth to argue but then closed it and thought for a second.

“You’re probably right. How did you get past it? Was it sheer force of will or did you have some... help?”

“We’re not going to talk about that right now. Too many demons around. Yes though. I used it.”

“Well did you use it just now? You seem like you’re still immune.”

Shadow shrugged.

“Lingering effects I guess. I hope it stays as a permanent thing.”

“Can I borrow it sometime so I can get over her?”

“Maybe on the day I trust you again.”

Lilith’s trial ended with five women having abortions and an additional twenty five bastard children that eventually went to Hell. When Leech heard the numbers, it finally sunk in that he wasn’t moving up to third. As he hung his head and looked at the ground, he saw Valefor sneaking towards Shadow to grab his swords once again. Leech kicked him hard so he flew from his crawling stance to lying on his back. Leech pounced and brought a knife to his throat.

“What the hell were you trying to do?”

A large hand pulled Leech off of Valefor and he felt himself flying backwards through the air. A large hand of black mist caught him and set him down gently on the ground. Shadow helped him get up. When Leech saw who had appeared behind Valefor, he realized that Nightmare had thrown him. He pulled his daggers from his belt but Shadow waved him off and stepped forward.

“Are you here for round two of playing my bitch, Nightmare?”

“We’re actually not here for you, fog fucker. We’re here for the runt. I just thought it would be funny to have Valefor steal your weapons
again
.”

“Yeah and I didn’t let that happen, did I? Don’t come at Shadow again or I’ll kick your ass.”

Nightmare laughed and threw up his hands in mock submission.

“We’re not here to fight, little parasite. We’re here to let you know that someone passed you in the top ten.”

Nightmare stepped out of the way and Andras was standing there smiling.

“Actually, he didn’t quite make it. I’m holding my fourth place spot. Sorry to burst your bubble.”

“Oh but he did. Andras agreed to serve me after the trials and I had my father call in a favor to Baal. You’re in fifth and Andras passed you in the rankings. Not only that, but I’m about to kick little Ms. Shadow out of his spot as well.”

Shadow laughed.

“That’s a good one. You do realize that I beat the living shit out of you in the death pit twice, right? If the major demons think you deserve to take first after that kind of humiliation then I fear for the future of Hell. Not only that, but Leech forced Andras to submit
after
two back-to-back matches. If he can’t even take a half-strength Leech, I don’t think we have to worry about Leech losing his spot either. You’re talking to your superiors and you had better get the hell out of here before you make us mad.”

“That’s a pretty convenient threat to make when you know that...”

Nightmare paused for a moment and pointed at Baal.

“...I’m up next. Enjoy your spots while you can.”

Nightmare, Valefor, and Andras turned and left. Nightmare walked up to Baal and then entered the temptation trial.

“You should have killed him when you had the chance.”

Shadow raised both eyebrows.

“Excuse me? I’m pretty sure you had the same shot that I did Mr. Broken Throat.”

Leech couldn’t help but grin.

“Fair enough, Shady. Fair enough.”

––––––––

N
ightmare left the temptation trial looking pleased with himself. Baal announced the results.

“Eighty-six direct kills and then the man committed suicide.”

Nightmare looked over at Shadow as he was mobbed by fans and held up one finger. He mouthed the words “number one” and then pounded his chest twice with his fist.

“The world’s ugliest gorilla. You still think you can beat him, right?”

“Don’t stress it, Leech. I got this.”

While Shadow wouldn’t admit it, he was nervous. There were some situations where he didn’t think he could pull off a kill count of anywhere
near
eighty-six. As Baal motioned for Shadow to enter the final trial, he hoped that he had something to work with when he entered the small room that would decide his fate.

S
hadow looked over the file again and again. Crazy John. This old man had done some terrible things in his life, but he was trying to make up for it. He had stopped being evil. No more killing. No more stealing. He even went to church on a regular basis. Shadow wasn’t sure he had an angle to work here. As he reached the end of the file, he saw the only thing that gave him any hope at all.

Unstable. Borderline insane. Extremely susceptible to crazy thoughts.

Shadow thought he could use that but John barely had any friends or acquaintances left. The most people he ever came in contact with was his small city’s church congregation on Sunday. Even if Shadow could pull it off, he still wouldn’t reach a kill count of eighty-six. There was nothing to do now but get the largest death count his situation would allow.

Shadow threw the file back on the table. Before he rang the buzzer, an unexpected wave of rage overcame him. He flipped the table the file sat on and then hit the file in the air. Papers flew everywhere. When he was able to return his breathing to normal, he rang the buzzer.

“You made a mess, Shadow.”

“Just open the goddamn door.”

There was a pause on the other end and then the door swung open. Shadow stepped into his simulated earth. Crazy John was sitting on his couch reading Dracula. Shadow remembered something vague in the file about John enjoying history and good stories. Sensing that he had little time to waste, Shadow decided to use it.

“You remember reading some stories about the ruler that Dracula is based on. That might be fun to look up.”

John’s head twitched nervously toward the ceiling.

“God? Is that you God?”

Shadow hit his palm against his forehead. He left it there as Crazy John continued.

“I’ll do whatever you say, God.”

Shadow waited as John grabbed his iPad.

“I don’t remember the guy’s name, God.”

Shadow realized that John had some ability to realize thoughts and ideas that weren’t his own. It was probably a leftover effect of working with demons in the past. He was many steps closer to Hell than most. At least he could now speak to him directly and he would likely listen since he thought that Shadow’s voice was the voice of God.

“Vlad. His name was Vlad.”

“I’m sorry, God, but what was his name again? I can’t quite hear you.”

Shadow started to grow impatient with Crazy John. Maybe talking to him directly wasn’t going to save much time after all.

“Vlad the mother fucking Impaler, you idiot.”

John pulled up Google on his iPad and searched for “Vlad the mother fucking Impaler.” Shadow looked over his shoulder and realized how stupid and crazy this man really was. He placed his hand on the hilt of his angel’s blade to help him calm down. He was seconds away from just killing John. As the light rushed in, he felt himself calm to the point where he could move things along again.

“No, John. Just Vlad the Impaler. Search for Vlad the Impaler.”

John deleted “mother fucking” from his search.

“Good, John. There’s a story I want you to find. Pull up one of the pages on Vlad the Impaler.”

John touched one of the links and brought up a page on Vlad mythology and legends.

“Ok. Now I want you to scroll down until I tell you to stop.”

John swiped down several times and arrived quickly at the bottom of the page. Despite his attempt to remain calm, Shadow almost unsheathed his blade and slit John’s throat. The angel’s blade helped him calm down once again.

“Ok now you need to scroll up.
Slowly
. I’ll tell you when to stop.”

John obeyed and started scrolling up the page slowly. Shadow found the story he was looking for and told him to stop.

“Read it.”

“Vlad Dracula realized that beggars, the poor, the sick, and the crippled were becoming more and more common throughout Wallachia. Claiming that no one in his kingdom should go hungry and unnoticed, Vlad invited them to a great feast in Tirgoviste. When they arrived at the great feast hall, they were treated like honored guests and they ate and drank as much as they wanted. Vlad appeared and was honored by his guests. The poor, the sick, and the afflicted all loved him. He posed a question to them. ‘How would you like to never be hungry again?’ They responded that they wanted it very much. As Vlad left, he ordered that the hall be sealed and set on fire. None of them escaped the fiery death.”