Mini Shopaholic (35 page)

‘He wasn’t unreasonable, in the circumstances, but I was shaken, I must confess—’

‘Bonnie, stop right there.’ My voice is trembling with resolution. ‘Whatever you’ve done, whatever mistake you’ve made, whatever losses Brandon Communications suffer as a result … there is no
way
it was your fault. I won’t let Luke fire you. I’ll defend you to the hilt!’

I have a sudden image of myself squaring up to Luke in his office, holding Bonnie by the wrist and saying, ‘Do you
realize
what a treasure this woman is? Do you
realize
what an asset she is?’

‘Becky, dear, don’t worry! I haven’t made any mistake regarding Brandon Communications.’ Bonnie’s voice cuts into my reverie. ‘I’m afraid it’s to do with the party.’

‘The
party?’
I feel a sudden tremor. ‘What’s happened?’

‘As you know, today was the day I informed the company about Luke’s surprise. I sent out the group email and all went smoothly. People are very excited and pleased.’

‘Right.’ I’m trying to quell a growing panic. ‘So …’

‘I then realized that I hadn’t mentioned the group birthday card. So I prepared a second email, informing the recipients that the card was in reception and would be presented to Luke at the party. I was just spell-checking when I thought I heard Luke’s voice. In my confusion, I hastily sent the email and closed down my screen.’ She pauses. ‘I didn’t realize my error till later.’

‘Your error?’ My heart is pounding. ‘Oh God. You didn’t send it to Luke, did you?’

‘Yes, I’m afraid it went to Luke,’ says Bonnie after the briefest of pauses.

I feel a tiny flash of shock, like sparks in my head. Breathe in … breathe out …

‘It’s fine.’ I’m amazed how calm I’m being, like a trained paramedic. ‘Don’t worry, Bonnie. I’ll delete it off his computer and his BlackBerry. No harm done. Thank God you caught it, that’s all—’

‘Becky, you don’t understand. Luke got it because he’s on our General Contacts list.
That’s
where I sent it by mistake.’

‘General Contacts?’ I echo uncertainly. ‘Well … who’s that? Who’s on the list?’

‘Around ten thousand City analysts, pundits and national press. I’m afraid it went out to all of them.’

I feel another flash – but this one isn’t tiny sparks. It’s massive, crashing, overwhelming tsunamis of horror.

‘Ten thousand people?’

‘Of course I immediately sent a retraction and asked for complete discretion. But I’m afraid it’s not as easy as that. People have started responding. Birthday messages have started arriving for Luke. His in-box is full. He’s had fifty-six already.’

With a shaking thumb I jab at Luke’s inbox on his BlackBerry. As it opens up, a list of unread emails fills the screen.

Many Happy Returns, Buddy!

Wishing You a Good One

Happy Birthday and all the best from the marketing team at HSBC

I can hear Luke’s tread as he comes up the stairs. I want to gibber with panic. I need to hide the BlackBerry. I need to hide everything, squash everything away.

‘He’ll guess everything!’ I whisper in horror, ducking into the bathroom. ‘We have to delete them! We have to stop them!’

‘I know.’ Bonnie sounds fairly desperate, too. ‘But it seems people have been forwarding the email on. He’s getting messages from all over the place. I don’t know how we can contain them.’

‘But it’s a secret!’ I almost wail. ‘Don’t they
realize
?’

‘Becky.’ Bonnie sighs. ‘Maybe you’ve kept the secret for long enough. The party’s only two days away. Isn’t it time to tell Luke?’

I stare at the phone in utter shock. She thinks I should just
give up?
After all this?

‘Absolutely not!’ I retort in a savage whisper. ‘No way! I’m giving him a surprise party, OK? A
surprise
. I’ll just have to distract Luke so he doesn’t see any emails or anything.’

‘Dear, you can’t possibly distract him from his emails for two entire
days
—’

‘Yes I can! I’ll lose his BlackBerry, and I’ll deal with his laptop somehow … Get the tech guys to delete all the emails if they can. Keep me posted. Bonnie, I’ve got to go …’

‘Becky?’ Luke is calling from the bedroom. ‘Darling, are you OK?’

I ring off, gaze at Luke’s BlackBerry for a heart-thumping moment, then quickly stamp on it, treading it into the tiled floor. There. Take
that
, ten thousand people all giving my secret party away.

‘Becky?’

I open the door to see him standing with a mug and plate bearing two slices of toast.

‘Are you OK?’ He peers at me in concern, then holds out his hand. ‘Can I have my BlackBerry back?’

‘I … broke it. Sorry.’

‘Jesus!’ He stares in shock at the mangled remains. ‘How the hell did you do that?’ He looks around the room. ‘Where’s my laptop got to? I’ll have to email Bonnie—’

‘No!’ My cry is so piercing he gives a startled flinch and tea slops out of the mug. ‘Forget your laptop! Forget everything! Luke …’ I cast desperately around. ‘I’m … ovulating!’

Yes!

‘What?’
He stares blankly at me.

‘Right now!’ I nod firmly. ‘This minute! I just did a test. They’re very specific these days. So we need to get down to it! Quickly! Minnie’s asleep, it’s just you and me in the house …’ I sidle up to him suggestively, take the mug and plate out of his hands and dump them on a shelf. ‘Come on, darling.’ I lower my voice huskily. ‘Let’s make a baby.’

‘Well, there’s a thought.’ His eyes gleam as I start to unbutton his shirt and tug it out of his trousers. ‘No time like the present.’

‘Absolutely.’ I close my eyes and run my hand down his chest in my most sultry way. ‘I am
so
in the mood.’

Actually, it’s true. All the adrenalin pumping round my body is getting me quite hot and bothered. I pull his shirt off completely and move closer, breathing in his faint scent of sweat and aftershave. Mmmm. This was a
very
good idea.

‘Right back at you,’ murmurs Luke against my neck. He’s obviously in the mood too, in quite a major way. Excellent. I’m good for a few hours. He won’t even think about laptops or BlackBerries. In fact, if I play things right, this will take care of things till morning. And then …

Oh God. I’ve got no idea. I’ll just have to think of something else. I’ve got plenty of time to work out a plan.

All I know is one thing. He’s having a surprise on Friday night, if it kills me.

NINETEEN

OK, it practically
is
killing me. It’s seven thirty the next morning and I’m totally sleep-deprived because every time I was about to drop off, Luke would murmur something like ‘I’ll just check my emails’ and I had to do my sultry nymphomaniac act all over again.

Which, you know, had its benefits. But now we truly are sated, both of us. I mean, really. We’re done. (For the moment, at least.) And I know Luke’s mind will be roaming. So far, I’ve managed to keep him confined to the bedroom. I brought us all breakfast in bed, and he’s sipping his second cup of coffee while Minnie eats a piece of toast. But any minute he’ll start looking at his watch and saying—

‘Have you seen my laptop?’ He looks up.

I knew it.

‘Um … Have you lost it?’ I prevaricate.

‘It must be around here …’ He pushes at the shirt which he discarded on the floor last night.

‘I expect so.’ I nod wisely. I secreted it out of the room earlier and stuffed it behind the bottles at the back of the detergent cupboard in the utility room. Then I propped an ironing board and overflowing basket of laundry in front of the cupboard door. He’ll never find it.

‘I need to get in touch with Bonnie and explain the situation …’ He’s searching the room with more energy. ‘Where the hell
is
it? I had it last night! I must be going fucking
demented
. Can I use your BlackBerry?’

‘Out of power,’ I lie smoothly. ‘I forgot to charge it.’

‘I’ll use your parents’ computer, then—’

‘They’ve changed the password,’ I say hastily. ‘You won’t be able to get in. More coffee, darling?’

The phone on the bedside table rings and I pick it up as naturally as possible.

‘Hello? Oh, it’s for you, Luke!’ I muster tones of surprise. ‘It’s Gary!’

‘Hi Gary.’ Luke takes the receiver. ‘Sorry, my BlackBerry’s bust—’ He breaks off and gapes at the phone.
‘What?’
he exclaims at last. ‘But Gary …’

I sip my coffee demurely, watching Luke and trying not to smile. At last Luke puts down the phone, looking shaken.

‘Bloody hell.’ He sinks down on the bed. ‘That was Gary. I think he’s having a nervous breakdown.’

‘No
way
!’ I exclaim theatrically.

Good old Gary. I knew he wouldn’t let me down.

‘He said he needs to see me urgently, talk about the company, talk about his life, get away from the pressure. He sounded absolutely on the edge.
Gary
, of all people!’ Luke looks staggered. ‘I mean, he’s the last person I would expect to crack up. He’s always been so steady. He said he can’t face London, he wants to meet me at some remote place in the New Forest, for fuck’s sake.’

It’s a holiday lodge Gary goes to with his family. It’s got no phone signal, no internet and no TV. Gary and I had a little chat early this morning. He said he reckons he can keep up his nervous-breakdown act for the morning, and meanwhile we’ll come up with more plans.

‘You
must
make Gary a priority,’ I say seriously. ‘After all, he’s your right-hand man. I think you should go to wherever he says and hear him out. He might do something stupid otherwise,’ I quickly add as Luke seems to hesitate. ‘You don’t want to risk that, do you? Call Bonnie and see if she can rearrange your appointments.’

Automatically Luke claps his hand to his pocket for his BlackBerry – then remembers.

‘Oh, this is a bloody joke.’ Cursing under his breath, he reaches for the landline phone. ‘I don’t even know her direct line.’

‘It’s—’ I bite my lip just in time. Shit. I’m getting careless. ‘It’s probably more sensible to go via the switchboard,’ I hastily cover. ‘Look!’ I proffer an old Brandon Communications notepad, and laboriously Luke taps in the number, a deep scowl on his face.

I have to bite my lip hard so I don’t smile. He’s so
ratty
.

‘Hi, Maureen. It’s Luke. Can you put me through to Bonnie?’ He takes a slug of coffee. ‘Bonnie. Thank God. You will not
believe
the fiasco this end. I haven’t got my BlackBerry or my laptop, I’ve just had a crazy call from Gary, I have
no
idea what I’m doing—’ He breaks off, and I can see the ripples gradually calm on his face.

‘Well, thanks, Bonnie,’ he says at last. ‘That would be great. Talk to you soon. Have you got this number? OK. And … thanks.’ He puts the phone down and looks at me. ‘Bonnie’s going to bike another laptop over here while I’m seeing Gary. If you take delivery, I can pick it up on my way back to the office.’

‘What a good idea!’ I exclaim, as though this is news to me and I haven’t already exchanged about fifty emails on the subject. ‘Good thing Bonnie’s so efficient, isn’t it?’ I can’t resist adding.

Bonnie’s sending over a specially modified laptop which will be unable to access the internet due to a ‘server flaw’. The tech department have also disabled Luke’s email account and set up a dummy one. Bonnie’s going to fill it with enough emails to keep him busy and unsuspicious – but nothing else. Basically, we’re cutting him off from virtual civilization.

‘And she’s sorting out a car to take me to wherever the hell Gary is. It should be here in about twenty minutes.’ Luke looks around the room yet again, his brow furrowing. ‘I’m
sure
I brought my laptop back last night. I’m
sure
I did.’

‘Don’t worry about your laptop,’ I say soothingly, as though he’s a psychotic patient. ‘Tell you what, why don’t you get Minnie dressed?’

My BlackBerry has been vibrating with incoming calls, and as soon as Luke’s out of earshot, I grab it and answer without even checking the screen.

‘Hi, Bonnie?’

‘No, it’s Davina.’

I’m so focused on this morning’s events, it takes me a nanosecond to realize who it is.

‘Davina?’ I can’t hide my surprise. ‘Hi! How are you?’

‘Becky! You poor thing! This is
terrible
!’ For one mad moment I think she means about the party nearly coming out. Then I realize what she’s talking about.

‘Oh, that.’ I wince. ‘Yes, I know.’

‘What
happened?’

I really could do without going over the whole thing again. I’d kind of managed to forget about it for now.

‘Well, my boss found out about the Shop in Private service.’ I keep my voice low. ‘And he didn’t like it. So I’m suspended and they’re going to do an investigation.’ To be honest, I’ve been so frantic over the last few days I’ve barely given the investigation a thought.

‘But you saved our lives!’ Davina sounds impassioned. ‘We’re all agreed, we’re not standing for it. We had a meeting yesterday, a few of your regular clients. Jasmine was the one who spread the word, then we all got on a group email …’

‘Jasmine?’
I’m quite taken aback at the idea of Jasmine rallying the troops.

‘We’re not letting this go. We’re going to take action. And that boss of yours will wish he never messed with you.’

She’s so fierce, I feel touched. By Jasmine, too. Although, to be honest, what on earth can any of them do? Maybe they’re all going to write a joint letter of complaint.

‘Well … thanks, Davina. I really appreciate it.’

‘I’ll keep you posted. But what I wanted to ask is, are you OK, Becky? Is there anything I can do? Anything at all? I’ve got the whole day off, so if you need to talk, if you want cheering up …’

I feel a wash of gratitude. Davina’s such a sweetheart.

‘Thanks, but not really.’
Not unless you can somehow distract my husband—

Ooh. My thoughts have stopped abruptly in their tracks. Davina’s a doctor, isn’t she? So she could maybe …

No. I can’t ask that. It’s too big a favour.

But it would save my life, and she
did
offer …

‘Actually, there is something that would really help me out,’ I say cautiously. ‘But it’s really massive …’

‘Anything! Just tell me!’

Davina is a
star
. By the time Luke comes back into the room with Minnie, the plan is in place. Both Davina and I have texted Bonnie; everything’s set. I hastily whip my BlackBerry back under the duvet and smile at Luke, just as the phone rings on cue.

‘Oh, hi Bonnie!’ I say innocently. ‘Yes, Luke’s here. Did you want him for something?’

I hand over the receiver – and this time I have to bite my lip even harder as Luke’s face becomes more and more aghast.

‘An emergency
medical?’
he expostulates at last.

Oh God, I mustn’t laugh. I mustn’t.

‘You can’t be serious!’ he’s exclaiming. ‘How can it be an
emergency
, for fuck’s sake? Well, tell them I can’t.’ I can see him getting frustrated. ‘Well, tell the insurance company to sod off. Well …’

Good for Bonnie. She must be acting absolutely implacably at the other end.

‘Jesus Christ.’ At last he crashes the phone down. ‘Apparently I have to have a full medical this afternoon. Some sort of insurance cock-up.’

‘What a pain!’ I say sympathetically.

Davina’s promised to give Luke the most full-on medical going. It’ll last at least six hours, he’ll be in a hospital gown, unable to use his laptop or a mobile phone and no one will be able to get to him.

‘This is the most fucking
ludicrous
day …’ He thrusts two hands through his hair, looking totally beleaguered.

Luke
really
isn’t used to things being out of his control. I’d almost feel sorry for him, if I didn’t want to giggle.

‘Never mind.’ I squeeze his hand fondly. ‘Just go with it.’ I glance at my watch. ‘Won’t your car be here any moment? Shouldn’t you get ready?’

As Luke is putting on his jacket, a text buzzes through on my BlackBerry and I surreptitiously click on it. It’s from Bonnie and it’s very short and to the point.

Becky. Have you seen YouTube?

OK. Just as I think everything’s happened that possibly can, something else does.

The marketing department at Foreland Investments have made a video in which everyone says ‘Happy Birthday Luke!’ to the camera and they’ve posted it on YouTube under the heading ‘Happy Birthday Luke Brandon!’

I’m torn between being really, really touched, and really,
really
climbing the walls. I mean, YouTube, for God’s sake! Could they have done anything less discreet? Couldn’t they have waited till tomorrow evening to post it? Every time I watch it I have to have a squirt of calming Rescue Remedy afterwards.

By ten o’clock it’s already had 145 hits, only about ten of which are me. By eleven o’clock, when Janice and Suze arrive, it’s up to 1,678 – and to my disbelief, two
more
videos have been posted. One is from Sacrum Asset Management, in which ‘Happy Birthday Luke Brandon’ has been spelled out in paperclips on someone’s desk. The other is from Wetherby’s, where the whole marketing department sings ‘Happy Birthday’ to the camera.

‘That’s so
cool
!’ Suze gapes at my laptop in disbelief.

‘I know.’ I can’t help feeling proud. I mean, all these people must really like Luke to bother to do a video for him. But I can’t help feeling jittery, too. ‘What if he sees it, though?’

‘He won’t see it,’ says Suze confidently. ‘Why would he search on YouTube? I bet he never goes on YouTube. He’s too busy. It’s only tragic cases like you and me who are always online.’

I’m about to object that I am
not
a tragic case, when the doorbell rings and we all start.

‘That’s not him, is it?’ says Janice in a gasped whisper, clapping a hand over her heart.

Honestly. Janice does overreact. I hardly spilled my coffee at all.

‘Of course not. It’ll be the marquee guys.’

But it’s not them, it’s Danny. He’s standing on the doorstep, wearing a battered leather coat over ripped jeans and silver Converse, and holding a pile of garment bags.

‘Costumes, anyone?’ he says, deadpan.

‘Danny, you star!’ I seize them. ‘I can’t believe you did this!’

I peek inside one of the bags and see a flash of gold brocade, trimmed with twinkling lace. Oh my God. These will be perfect.

‘Well, I had to. Jesus. That mother-in-law of yours is like Stalin. She’s the worst boss I ever had.’ He looks around, haunted. ‘She isn’t here, is she?’

‘Not right now,’ I say reassuringly. ‘But Suze is. So beware. She’s still really furious with you about that photoshoot.’

‘Oh.’ Danny looks uncomfortable and takes a step away. ‘The thing with that is, Suze just didn’t understand the aesthetic. You have to remember, she’s not a creative person.’

‘Yes she is! She’s an artist! Look at her photo frames!’

‘Right.’ Danny tries a different tack. ‘Well, OK, she
is
a creative person, but she
totally
didn’t get the look I was going for …’

‘Yes I did!’ Suze’s voice rings out scornfully behind me. ‘I got “the look” perfectly! You stitched Tarkie up, Danny! Admit it!’

Danny looks at her silently for a moment. He seems to be considering his next move. ‘If I admit it,’ he says finally, ‘will you forgive me instantly, no questions, move right on?’

‘I …’
Suze hesitates. ‘Well … I suppose so.’

‘OK, I stitched him up. Love you too.’ Danny plants a kiss on her cheek and heads past me into the house. ‘Do you have any coffee? Janice!’ He greets her flamboyantly. ‘My style icon! My muse! What
is
that fetching shade of lipstick?’

‘He’s … impossible!’

Suze looks so infuriated, I’m about to offer her a squirt of Rescue Remedy. But a noise from outside attracts my attention. A big lorry is pulling into Janice’s drive. Its reversers are bleeping and a guy in jeans is beckoning it in. That must be the marquee!

OK. This party really is starting.

By four o’clock, the marquee is up in Janice’s garden. It isn’t decorated yet, but it still looks fab, all big and billowy. (My little gazebo is up, too, at the side. Elinor’s marquee guys haven’t stopped teasing me about it.) I’ll have to make sure Luke doesn’t catch a glimpse – but by the time he gets back tonight it’ll be dark, anyway. Janice wanted me to sew all the curtains together, but I think that would just be
weird
.