Mini Shopaholic (34 page)

‘Wait a minute.’ I cut her off in disbelief. ‘You’re saying you want
me
to go to boot camp? Luke, can you believe this?’

I turn to him, waiting for him to laugh and say, ‘What a ludicrous idea.’ But he has an anxious frown.

‘Becky, I thought you said you weren’t going to shop for a while. I thought we’d made an agreement.’

‘I
didn’t
shop for myself,’ I say impatiently. ‘I only bought a few essential clothes for Minnie. And they were all on sale!’

‘Your life is your own concern, of course,’ Nanny Sue is saying. ‘However, my worry is that Minnie may pick up your tendencies. She already has an advanced knowledge of brand names, she seems to have an unlimited amount of money to spend—’

This is the final straw.

‘That is
not true!’
I exclaim indignantly. ‘She only spends her
pocket money
. It’s all written down in a special book, which I showed you!’ I reach into my bag and produce Minnie’s pocket-money book. ‘Remember?’ I thrust it at Nanny Sue. ‘I mean, yes, she has the odd little advance, but I’ve explained to her she’ll need to pay it back.’

Nanny Sue leafs through the book for a moment, then gives me an odd look.

‘How much pocket money does she have?’

‘Fifty pence a week,’ says Luke. ‘For now.’

Nanny Sue has produced a calculator from her own bag and is tapping at it.

‘Then according to my sums …’ She looks up calmly. ‘Minnie has spent her “pocket money” until the year 2103.’

‘What?’ I stare at her, discomfited.

‘What?’
Luke grabs the book from her and starts flipping through. ‘What the hell has she bought?’

‘Not that much …’

The year
2103
? Can that be right? I’m trying to do frantic sums in my head as Luke examines the entries in Minnie’s book like the Gestapo.

‘Six dolls?’ He jabs at a page. ‘In one day?’

‘They were a matching set,’ I say defensively. ‘And they’ve got French names! It’ll help her language!’

‘What’s this?’ He’s already on another page. ‘Junior Dolce boots?’

‘She wore them the other day! Those little suede ones. You said how nice she looked!’

‘I didn’t know they cost two hundred
quid!’
he erupts. ‘I mean, Jesus Christ, Becky, she’s a little kid. Why does she need designer boots?’

He looks really shocked. To be honest I’m a bit shocked myself. Maybe I should have added up what she was spending a bit better.

‘Look, OK, I’ll stop …’

Luke isn’t even listening to me. He’s turned back to Nanny Sue.

‘You’re saying that if we don’t cure Becky, Minnie could turn into a shopaholic herself?’

I’ve never known him look so anxious.

‘Well, addictive behaviour is known to run in families.’ They’re both talking as though I’m not even here.

‘I’m not
addicted
,’ I say furiously. ‘And neither is Minnie!’ I snatch the pocket-money book from him. Nanny Sue must have added it up wrong. We
can’t
have spent that much.

Minnie has been hoovering her way efficiently through the shortbread biscuits on the coffee table, but now she notices the pocket-money book.

‘Pocket money?’ Her eyes light up. ‘Shops?’ She starts tugging at my hand. ‘Starbucks-shops?’

‘Not now,’ I say hurriedly.

‘Shops!
Shops!’
Minnie is tugging at my hand in frustration, as though if I just understood, I’d do what she wanted. It’s the same look Dad got in France, that time we wanted to buy an electric fan and all the French shop assistants stared blankly as he shouted ‘Fan!
Fan!
Electrique!’ and whirled his hands around.

‘Shops.’

‘No, Minnie!’ I snap. ‘Be quiet now!’

Minnie looks as though she’s racking her brain for another way to put it – then her face lights up.
‘Visa?’

Luke breaks off his conversation and stares at her, stricken.

‘Did she just say “Visa”?’

‘Isn’t she clever?’ I give an over-bright laugh. ‘The things children say …’

‘Becky, this is bad. Really bad.’

He looks so upset I feel a sudden clanging in my chest.

‘It’s not bad!’ I say desperately. ‘She’s not … I’m not …’ I trail off helplessly. For a moment no one says anything except Minnie, who is still tugging my arm, exclaiming, ‘Visa!’

At last I draw breath. ‘You really think there’s a problem, don’t you? Well, fine. If you think I should go to boot camp, I’ll go to boot camp.’

‘Don’t worry, Becky.’ Nanny Sue laughs. ‘It won’t be as bad as all that. It’ll simply be a programme of discussion and behaviour modification, based at our London headquarters, with a residential option for those from far away. We’ll be having workshops, one-to-ones, role play … I think you’ll enjoy it!’

Enjoy
it?

She hands me a leaflet, which I can’t even bring myself to look at. I can’t believe I’ve agreed to go to boot camp. I
knew
we should never have let Nanny Sue back in the house.

‘The main thing is, Minnie’s OK.’ Luke exhales. ‘We’ve been really worried.’

Nanny Sue takes a sip of tea and looks from him to me. ‘Out of interest … what made you think she had problems in the first place?’

‘I never did,’ I point out at once. ‘It was Luke. He said we couldn’t have another baby because we couldn’t control Minnie. He said she was too wild.’

As I’m speaking, it hits me. He hasn’t got any more excuses! Result! I whip round to Luke.

‘So will you change your mind now about having another baby? You
have
to change your mind.’

‘I … don’t know.’ Luke looks cornered. ‘You don’t just rush into these things, Becky. It’s a big step …’

‘Everything in life is a big step!’ I say dismissively. ‘Don’t be a scaredy-cat.
You
think Minnie should have a sibling, don’t you?’ I appeal to Nanny Sue.
‘You
think it would be good for her?’

Ha. That’ll teach Luke. Two can play the Getting-Nanny-Sue-On-Their-Side game.

‘That’s a very personal decision.’ She looks thoughtful. ‘However, it’s sometimes helpful to discuss these things. Luke, is there a particular reason why you don’t want to have another child?’

‘No,’ says Luke after a long pause. ‘Not really.’ He looks very uncomfortable, I suddenly notice.

Why
is this such a sore point with him?

‘Of course, babies are disruptive little creatures …’ begins Nanny Sue.

‘Minnie wasn’t!’ I defend her immediately. ‘I mean, only a tiny bit—’ I break off in sudden dismay. ‘Is it because of when she chewed up those papers that time? Because she was
teething
, Luke, and you shouldn’t have left them on the bed, and you should have made photocopies—’

‘It’s not that!’ Luke cuts me with a sudden heat. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. That wouldn’t be a reason. That wouldn’t be—’ He breaks off abruptly, an odd, jarring note to his voice. His face is turned away, but I can see the tension growing in his neck.

What is
up?

‘I think there’s more to this than child behaviour, isn’t there, Luke?’ says Nanny Sue quietly, and I stare, agog. This is just like the TV show! ‘Take your time,’ she adds, as Luke takes a deep breath. ‘There’s no hurry.’

There’s silence apart from Minnie chomping another shortbread. I don’t dare move a muscle. The whole atmosphere in the room has changed and become stiller. What’s he going to say?

‘Having Minnie has been wonderful.’ Luke speaks at last, his voice a little gruff. ‘But I just don’t feel as though I could give the same intensity of feeling to another child. And I couldn’t risk that. I know what it is to feel abandoned and unloved by a parent and I’m not going to do it to a child of my own.’

I’m so gobsmacked I can’t even utter a sound. I had no idea Luke felt like this. None.
None
.

‘Why do you feel abandoned, Luke?’ Nanny Sue is using the soft, sympathetic voice she always uses at the end of the show.

‘My mother left me when I was small,’ says Luke matter-of-factly ‘We did meet in later life, but we never … bonded, you might say. Recently, we had a major disagreement, and as a result, I’m fairly sure we’ll never speak again.’

‘I see.’ Nanny Sue looks unfazed. ‘Have you made any attempts at reconciliation? Has she?’

‘My mother never gives me a thought.’ He gives a small, wry smile. ‘Trust me.’

‘Becky, are you familiar with this situation?’ Nanny Sue turns to me. ‘Do you feel that Luke’s mother never gives him a thought?’

My face flames and I make a tiny, inarticulate noise that doesn’t mean anything.

‘Becky hates my mother even more than I do,’ chimes in Luke with a short laugh. ‘Don’t you, darling? I’m sure you’re heartily relieved that we never have to see her.’

I gulp my tea, my face burning. This is unbearable. I’ve got about two hundred texts in my phone, all from Elinor, all about Luke. She’s done nothing this week except devote herself to giving him the best party in the world.

But I can’t say anything. What can I say?

‘I was brought up by a wonderful stepmother.’ Luke is talking again. ‘She really
was
my mum. But even so, that feeling of abandonment never leaves you. If I had another child, and it felt abandoned …’ He winces. ‘I couldn’t do that.’

‘But why would it feel abandoned?’ asks Nanny Sue gently. ‘It would be your child. You would love it.’

There’s a long silence – then Luke shakes his head.

‘That’s the trouble. My fear, if you like.’ His voice is suddenly very low and husky. ‘I don’t see how I could have enough affection to be split so many ways. I love Becky. I love Minnie. I’m
done.’
He turns to me suddenly. ‘Don’t
you
feel that? Haven’t you ever felt afraid you might not have the capacity to love another child?’

‘Well, no,’ I say, a bit baffled. ‘I just feel like … the more the merrier.’

‘Luke, this is a very common fear,’ says Nanny Sue. ‘I’ve known many, many parents express this worry before having a second child. They look at their first, beloved child and all they can feel is guilt that there won’t be enough love to go round.’

‘Exactly.’ His brow furrows deeply. ‘That’s exactly it. It’s the
guilt.’

‘But each of those parents, without exception, has said to me afterwards that there
is
enough love. There’s plenty.’ Her voice softens even more. ‘There’s plenty of love.’

I feel a sudden pricking at my eyes.

Oh, no way. I am
not
going to let Nanny Sue make me cry.

‘You didn’t know in advance how much you would love Minnie, did you?’ Nanny Sue says quietly to Luke. ‘But that didn’t stop you then.’

There’s a long pause.

My fingers are crossed tightly, I suddenly realize. Both hands. And my feet.

‘I … guess not,’ says Luke slowly at last. ‘I guess in the end you just have to have faith.’ He looks up at me and gives a tentative smile, and I beam joyfully back.

Nanny Sue is the cleverest expert in the world, and I
love
her.

It’s an hour before we’ve said our last goodbye to Nanny Sue, promised to stay in touch for ever and finally got Minnie into bed. Luke and I tiptoe out of her bedroom, lean back against the wall and look at each other silently for a moment.

‘So,’ says Luke at last.

‘So.’

‘Do you think we’ll have a boy or a girl?’ He pulls me towards him and I sink into his arms. ‘Do you think Minnie wants a brother or sister to boss around?’

I can’t believe he’s talking like this. I can’t believe he’s so
relaxed
about it. Nanny Sue is such a genius. (Apart from the shopping-boot-camp bit, which looks hideous and I’ve already decided I’ll have to get out of somehow.)

I close my eyes and lean against Luke’s chest, feeling suddenly warm and blissful. The party plans are all sorted. Luke wants another baby. Minnie’s a lovely, intelligent child. At
last
I can relax.

‘We’ve got so much to look forward to,’ I say happily.

‘Agreed.’ He smiles back, just as my phone rings. I see Bonnie’s ID and extricate myself to answer.

‘Oh hi!’ I say in a friendly but guarded tone. ‘I’m just with Luke—’

‘Does he have his BlackBerry on him?’ Bonnie interrupts in a really un-Bonnie-like way.

‘Er … he’s just switching it on, actually,’ I say, turning to look at him. (He turned it off while Nanny Sue was here, which just shows how much he respects her opinion.)

‘Take it from him. Find an excuse! Don’t let him see it!’

She sounds frantic, and I react instantly.

‘Give me that!’ I snatch the BlackBerry out of Luke’s hand just as it starts buzzing and flashing. ‘Sorry!’ I quickly cover with a laugh. ‘It’s just … my friend from work wants to talk about different BlackBerry models. You don’t mind, do you?’

‘Don’t let him look at his computer either!’ Bonnie’s voice is in my ear. ‘Nothing with emails on it!’

‘Luke, could you make me a cup of tea?’ I say shrilly. ‘Right away? In fact … I’m feeling a bit ill. Maybe you could bring it to me in bed? And some toast?’

‘Well … OK.’ Luke gives me a slightly strange look. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Bathroom!’ I gasp, heading away. ‘Just make the tea! Thank you!’

I hurry into our bedroom, grab his laptop off the desk and hide it in my wardrobe, then turn breathlessly back to the phone. ‘What’s up, Bonnie?’

‘Becky, I’m afraid a short while ago …’ She’s breathing fast. ‘I made a rather significant mistake.’

A mistake?
Bonnie?

Oh my God. The strain has got to her. She’s messed up some piece of work and now she’s getting me to cover up her tracks. Maybe she’ll ask me to fabricate evidence or lie to Luke or delete emails off his computer. I feel simultaneously touched that she trusts me enough to ask me … and remorse that I’ve driven her to such a state.

‘Were you upset by Luke telling you off?’ I demand. ‘Is that why you made a mistake?’

‘I was a little flustered this afternoon,’ she says hesitantly, ‘yes.’

‘I knew it!’ I clutch my head. ‘Bonnie, I feel so bad about what happened. Was Luke really angry with you?’