Mine to Lose (25 page)

I’m freezing out here, but I’d rather
freeze alone than be warm and staring into Ryan’s oblivious eyes. Aunt Gertie’s
property is huge, and any other night, I’d be scared to be out here alone, but
the music and hundreds of people quell that. The property is lined with so many
trees, I doubt she’s identified all of them, but just beyond the place where
lights reach, one of my favorite places in the world waits for me.

When I was a kid, this swing was my
escape. Whether I was reading a book or hiding from my sister, the swing waited
for me and was exactly what I was looking for. It provided the best view of the
mountains in the distance, and the homestead where my mom and aunt grew up.
Tonight, it offers a view of the darkness and a sky speckled with stars.

I push on the seat to check its ability
to hold me, but the swing is as sturdy as it was when I was kid. I sit down and
push my toes into the ground until the swing is at an angle before lifting my
feet, setting in motion a rhythmic back and forth. The small jacket I brought
with me for the evening isn’t enough to keep the bone chilling cold away, but
I’m not ready to go back yet.

I hear the rustling of something behind
me, and I know I should be scared, but I’m not.

“You shouldn’t have come out here,” I
say, keeping my gaze fixed on the nothing ahead.

“You shouldn’t have walked off,” Ryan’s
voice answers behind me. “Mind if I sit?”

I don’t answer, instead scooting over to
give him room. The swing stops its creaking noise when he sits, but resumes its
song as we move our feet back and forth below. I’m a coward and I don’t know
where to begin, so I keep quiet.

“I asked Trey if you were okay, but he
suggested that I find you. Told me that I don’t deserve you because I let you
go,” he says, his voice giving nothing away. “What’s that about?”

I scoff and shake my head. “No idea.” I’m
shocked that Trey would say something like that, but then again, he’s full of
surprises.

We sit in silence for a few minutes
before he speaks again. “Is it me? Should I leave?”

“No,” I say, before I can stop myself.
“It’s me.”

“You used to be able to talk to me. But I
guess that’s before I screwed everything up,” he says in defeat.

“Ryan.” I close my eyes and realize now
is the time. I never planned on telling him, but it’s not fair to let him
wonder. “I have to tell you something.”

He stops moving his feet, causing the
swings rhythm to unbalance. “What is it?”

“I’m so sorry,” I say, closing my eyes
and bracing myself to share my heartache all over again.

“What are you sorry about? You did
nothing wrong. I should’ve never let you go. I just thought that our visits
kept getting screwed up and when we saw each other last-”

“Stop,” I say abruptly, tears welling in
my eyes. “Just stop.”

“What’s going on?”

I exhale a long breath and prepare myself
to say the words I never wanted to share with him. I don’t know how he’s going
to take it, but I need to say something. “I was pregnant.”

“What?” he says, his intake of air
ragged. “What do you mean?”

“When I surprised you in San Diego, I was
waiting in your apartment?” I wait for the pieces to come together before
continuing. “I went back home to think, like you wanted, but then we broke up. Several
weeks later, I realized I was pregnant, and I took a test to confirm. The night
you called to tell me that Mom was in the hospital, I was on a date with Trey,
and that night I told him. I knew that, no matter what, I was going to have our
baby, I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Em-” he sounds confused, but I don’t
want him to speak until he hears everything.

“Please, I have to get through this.” I
wait before finishing the story. “When Scott showed up, I wasn’t even thinking,
you know that; I reacted. It wasn’t until he kicked me in the stomach, I was
clutching where he kicked and all of my thoughts were of our baby. Ryan,” I
choke back a sob, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t protect our baby. When you came into
the room, I had just found out and I was heartbroken.”

He’s quiet next to me, and I wonder if he
wants to be alone or maybe he hates me.

I stand up to give him space and whisper
again, “I’m sorry.” I walk away, my head lowered, mourning all over again.

“Wait,” he calls after me as he gets to
his feet. I stop, feet away from him. “How did you do it?”

“What?” I ask, shocked by his accusatory
tone.

He clears his throat before speaking. “I
mean, alone? How did you go through all of that alone?”

“I wasn’t alone, Ryan. You didn’t know
what was going on, but you were there with me, holding me and consoling me.
Somehow being in your arms made the pain a little more bearable. You were with
me, even when you weren’t. When I took the test and it was positive, I was
shocked and scared; I didn’t know how you would take it, but I wanted that
baby. It was a piece of us and I wanted it so bad.”

“You should have told me,” he offers,
stepping forward and reaching out for me.

“There’s nothing that you could have done.
It hurt like hell. That bastard kicked me and bruised me, but it was nothing
compared to the pain in my soul when the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat.”

“You were pregnant. You had my baby
inside you, Em. I had a right to know, even if you thought it would hurt me, I
deserved to know.”

“Don’t you think I know that? But I
thought I was doing what was best,” I argue, finding myself feeling defensive
at his words.

“That’s not what I mean.” He steps away
and grunts, “Shit! None of this is coming out right. I’m just trying to say
that I wanted to be there for you. I never wanted to let you go.”

“Then why did-”

“Wait, let me finish, okay?”

“Fine,” I say, crossing my arms over my
chest, staring his silhouette down.

“I didn’t want to end things, it just
seemed like that was the direction we were heading. I figured if it was meant
to be, we’d just find our way back. But as soon as you hung up the phone, I
knew I was wrong. I kept calling, hoping you would return just one of my calls,
because I needed to make it right. I needed to take it all back. My last hope
was when I came to pick up my things. I had no idea you were living with Joss,
I was just as surprised as you were. You broke my fuckin’ heart when you gave
my ring back, but I deserved it, after what I put you through. Joss begged me
to wait and talk to you, but I heard what you said to her, and I knew I needed
to let you go.”

“Then why were you at the hospital?”

“Because it was where I belonged. I
wasn’t lying when I told Alex that I had family things to take care of.” He
reaches out his hand to me, waiting for me to give him mine. “You are my
family. I needed to be with you, even if you just needed a friend.”

My head drops in defeat, because that’s
what he’s been for me. He wraps his arms around me and mine grasp the shirt on
his back.

“I’m so sorry that you went through all
of that alone. I don’t know what I would have said, or how I could have made it
better, but at least I would have been with you.”

He walks me back to the swing and holds
me on his lap as I cry into his neck. It’s something that I didn’t know I
needed- to mourn with Ryan.

I’m not sure how long we’ve been sitting
outside in the cold air, but time doesn’t matter. We laugh, arguing about what
our kid would have been like, Ryan insisting it would have been a boy who would
have his looks and my drive. I insist our son, who I call Bean, would have been
a slightly awkward kid that would have grown up to be the best version of both
of us.

Somehow this conversation leads to us
arguing about names, something we never talked about when we were together. We
make fun of each other’s choices, because he chooses stuffy family names, while
I try to find unique ones.

When our laughter subsides, Ryan leads me
to a tree beside the swing and touches it gently before looking at me. “We
didn’t get to meet our baby, Em, and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you’ve gone
through this and I wasn’t there to help, but I want to be here now. If you’ll
let me.”

He takes a labored breath and exhales
before he speaks again, and I hear his voice strain. I reach for his hand to
squeeze it because I know this is hard for him. He just found out he lost
someone he never knew he had and I can tell he’s hurting.

“I know it won’t stop hurting right away,
but I think we need to be able to say goodbye.”

“I don’t know how, Ryan,” I admit through
my tears.

“What if we say this is our baby’s tree? This
belongs to Bean. There was no baby to hold, no one to bury, but this tree can
be the place we go to remember him.”

I have no words, speechless by Ryan’s proposal.

He continues, “I wish I could have met
you little man, but I promise you, I’m going to take care of your mom, and I’ll
make sure that she knows every day how much I love her.”

I look over at him, unsure of what he’s
trying to say. He kneels down and touches the base of the tree before muttering
something else that I can’t make out. It’s a private moment between him and the
baby we lost, so I don’t pry. When he stands up, he walks behind me and wraps
his arms around my waist giving me strength to say goodbye. I think the hardest
part is letting go, something that up to this point, I haven’t done.

I turn in his arms and bury my head in
his chest, sobbing. “I can’t, Ryan.”

“I’m right here; you can do it.”

I nod in his arms and slowly turn around,
wiping my eyes. “Hey baby,” I whisper through my tears. “I’m sorry I never got
to meet you, but in the short time that I knew about you, I loved you more than
I thought possible. I have to let you go now, but you will always- always, be
in my heart.”

We stand there, holding each other in
front of our baby’s tree until my tears fade, and when they do, Ryan takes my
hand in his and walks me back to join my sister’s wedding. As we near the
entrance, I tug at his hand, prompting him to stop. He cocks his head to the
side, questioning my action, but when I raise my brows, my unspoken concern is acknowledged.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with
Ryan, if anything, but I have to talk to Trey. He’s still seated at the table
where I left him, and I feel guilty that I’ve been away so long. When I reach
him, he stands up to check if I’m okay, but he sees it.

“He found you?”

“Yeah,” I nod, “Why did you send him
after me?”

“Because, I knew it’s what you wanted.”
His smile is stoic as he looks down at me. His hand touches my cheek, causing
my breathing to stutter and my eyes well with tears. In a short amount of time,
he has come to mean more than I would have thought.

“You’re kinda perfect, Trey,” I say
through my teary smile, unsure how no one else has snagged him.

He pulls me close and places an innocent
kiss to my lips before hugging me. “Emogen Kane, you’re everything I never knew
I wanted, but you belong to someone else. But if he screws up, you call me.”

He reaches over to retrieve his coat from
his seat and kisses my cheek before walking off. I follow his path and watch as
he passes Ryan, patting his shoulder and saying something. Ryan smiles at me
and nods as Trey disappears.

I haven’t heard much from Trey since my
sister’s wedding, not that I expected to. We’ve exchanged a few emails, but
kept it pretty friendly. We’ve made plans to have lunch, but something comes
up. We try to reschedule, but I’m not sure he really wants to see me. I miss
our banter, but I guess this is the way it has to be. I still think that he and
Joss would get along really well, but that would be weird. At least
I
think it would be.

When he cancelled today, I roped Joss
into going shopping with me. Neither of us enjoys shopping, but we do love
being together. You would think that living together, we’d be tired of each
other, but our schedules keep us really busy.

“I’m hungry,” she whines. “Let’s scrap
this shopping bullshit and eat.”

“Well, when you put it that way, how can
I resist?”

She grabs my basket that has a few random
items, none of which I need, and pushes it aside. “What are you in the mood
for? My treat.”

“Whoa,” I tease, “what’s the occasion.”

“I met someone,” she beams.

“Italian,” I say before she interrupts.

“I don’t think so, but I could be wrong.”
I can tell she’s thinking, but I’m not following at all.

“What are you talking about?” I ask,
confused by her statement.

“Who knows, maybe he is Italian.” She
throws her hands up in defeat.

I stop walking and laugh so hard that it
hurts my stomach. “Please tell me you’re joking. I was talking about food.”

She doesn’t respond except with cheeks so
red, she could give Santa a run for his money. We walk a short way to a tiny
sandwich shop where she starts to tell me about the guy she met. Apparently
they haven’t even met, yet. Joss has no problems meeting guys wherever she goes;
her outgoing personality and good looks have always opened doors, but she’s never
given herself enough credit.

“I signed up for one of those online
dating sites,” she admits embarrassed.

“Why?”

“I’m tired of the creeps I keep meeting,
so I figured if I
want
something different, I need to
do
something different.”

“What do you know about this guy?”

“His name is Rhen, he moved to the area
about a year ago from Texas. He said he recently got out of a bad relationship
and quit the family business. I guess he needed a change.”

“So you’ve at least talked to him?”

“Yeah, we’ve actually talked on the phone
for the last two weeks, but I’m nervous about meeting in person. I mean, what
if his picture isn’t really him?”

“What if it is?” I counter.

“Then I want to marry him right away and
make lots of pretty babies.”

I laugh at her answer. “So he’s hot,
huh?”

“If that picture is really him? Yeah. But
why would someone that hot need to be on a dating site? I’m sure he has no
problem meeting women in the real world.”

I stare at her, waiting for her to find
the irony in that statement, but she doesn’t get it.

“He wants to meet me this weekend.”

“Are you going?”

She looks at me and bites the side of her
lip. “Look, I know Ryan is coming in town, and I know y’all need some alone
time, but I would love you forever if you guys came with me.”

“You want us to double with you?”

“No,” she shakes her head, appalled at
the suggestion. “I want y’all nearby, in case he’s lying or scary. Just to be
safe.”

“We’ll be there, but what if the picture
is him? What kind of sign are you going to give me to let me know everything’s
okay?”

“When I start making out with him on the
spot, you can leave,” she laughs. “Or maybe I’ll just subtly send you a text to
scram.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“I’ll make myself scarce the rest of the
weekend so you and Ry can have some alone time.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I assure her
with a smile. “I’d do anything for you, you know that.”

When we finished lunch, I talked Joss
into buying a new outfit for her date with Rhen. She found a cute low-cut
purple top that fit her perfectly and she splurged on a pair of brown high heel
boots to wear with her dark denim jeans. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so
nervous about a date, and I hope this guy is everything he claims to be. And if
he’s not, Ryan and I will be right there to whisk her away.

I grab the bag containing the two shirts
that I bought and head up the stairs to our apartment. I jump when I see a man
sitting on the balcony outside the door, until I realize that it’s Ryan.

“What are you doing here?” I ask when he
looks up at me with
that
grin.

“Waiting for you,” he answers, getting to
his feet. When I’m sure he’s ready, I leap into his arms, wrapping my legs
around his waist. The long distance thing is still tough, but the times we’re
together make it worth it. I give him my key, kissing him senseless while he
unlocks the door. He kicks the door shut behind us and returns my kiss until he
sets me on the couch back and pulls away.

“I need to talk to you,” he says as he
nods to the couch so I follow. He’s a little too serious for my liking, but he’s
here, so that’s a good thing.

“It’s Wednesday, I wasn’t expecting you
until Friday. Do I have you all to myself until then?”

“Well,” he starts, and I get concerned.

“What’s wrong?”

“Don’t freak out, okay?”

“Of course I’m going to freak out. You
just said
not
to, what the hell is going on?”

“I’m moving back to Denver,” he says slow
and easy.

“They transferred you back?”

He takes a deep breath and shakes his
head. “I quit.”

“You what? You’re joking, right? You
loved your job,” I remind him.

“But I love you more.”

“Ryan, that’s a sweet sentiment, but you
need
a job to live. What are you gonna do?”

“That’s why I’m here. I had a second
interview today with another firm. Better pay, and I get to be here with you. I
just figured it’s time I put you first.”

“Had?” I repeat. “So what does that
mean?”

“I got the job,” he says with a smile.

I let out a scream and climb onto his lap
to kiss him, but I slap his arm instead. “You lead with that you ass!”

He laughs and cups my face in his hands.
“Where’s the fun in that?”

“You know, Ryan,” I say as I get up from
his lap and look right at him. “Payback’s a bitch.”

“But you love me anyway,” he shouts over
his shoulder when I pass by. “Hey, I have my stuff outside in my car, can you
help me bring some of it in?”

“You don’t think you’re moving in here do
you?”

“Just for tonight,” he says.

It takes us three trips to get everything
out of his Jeep, but he said the rest would be coming in a week. He’s already
lined up a new place to live, so he’ll stay with me, for more than the one
night he claimed.
I can’t believe he’s back.

“Hey, we have to chaperone Joss’ blind
date Friday night,” I shout to him from my bedroom. He’s in the kitchen calling
an order for takeout when she comes in with her bags from shopping.

“Ordering pizza, pepperoni alright?” he
asks her as she passes.

“Perfect,” she answers, distracted with
her bags.

“Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Sweet,” she yells from her room. “So you
already know.”

“Know what?” he asks, confused by the
lack of information.

“Oh hell, Em. You didn’t tell him
everything?” She stops in the middle of the room and sees the boxes of Ryan’s
crap. “What are you doing here? It’s not Friday.”

“Nope. Wednesday,” he offers. “And before
you ask, no, I’m not moving in, but I am moving back.”

I walk out of my room and she looks over
at me and smiles. “Welcome home, Ry! It’s about damn time.”

“Thanks.” He smiles at her. “So what’s
the deal with this guy?”

I roll my eyes and laugh going back to my
room so she can give him the details of her latest catch.

* * *

“Ryan,” I whine, “I thought we got
everything out last night.”

“I had a few things at Dean’s place, and
since Cam’s moving in with him, he needed me to get it out. Besides, you’ve
been asleep all morning.”

“You have to admit, you’re exhausted,
too.” I don’t think either of us went to sleep until after two when we heard
Joss come in. Rhen was everything Joss hoped he was, and she shooed us away the
first chance she got. I was still worried and waited up until I knew she got in
safely, so sleeping until nine doesn’t feel like
all morning
to me.

“C’mon, the sooner we do this, the sooner
you can get back into bed.”

I drag myself out from between the sheets
and put my slippers on and grab a coat before following him outside. His Jeep
is parked to the side of the building, and I silently curse him for leaving it
as far away as possible. I don’t know how much he had at Dean’s but if it’s
anything like what he arrived with yesterday, there won’t be much room left in
the apartment.

“I left the passenger side unlocked, so
we can grab stuff from both sides,” he says, as he walks to the driver’s side.

I get to the door and open it, and a
folded piece of paper falls out and lands near my feet. I look at Ryan, but he
doesn’t see it, so I bend down to pick it up and open it up.

My heart skips a beat, and my body
flutters in a strange way when I read the words.

I’m
the guy in the Jeep, standing behind you and I think you’re the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen. I don’t think I can live without you.

Marry
me?

When I turn around, Ryan is down on one
knee, holding my ring in his hand with a heartbreaking smile on his face. The
last time he proposed, it was flashy and over the top, and as much as I loved
it, it wasn’t us.

This
is us.

He pulls out his wallet and hands me a
tiny piece of paper that’s worn and folded. I’m careful when I open it, so as
not to tear it, and in my hands is the note that started it all, the one I left
on his Jeep years ago. I had no idea he even kept it, but the evidence is in my
hands.

“You’ve had this all this time?” I ask,
as a single tear rolls down my cheek.

“No one had ever done anything like that
to me before, I thought it was pretty damn cool. I hoped you’d call, and when
you didn’t, I thought it was a fluke. But that night that you came up to me,
all cocky and sexy, I knew I wanted to get to know you better. You’re the best
thing that ever happened to me, and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it.”

“I love you so much,” I say to him,
handing back the note from his wallet.

“So is that a yes?”

I shake my head no, and his smile fades.
He slowly drops his hand, reeling from my action and runs his hand through his
hair.

“It’s a hell yes!” I finally answer when
I feel he’s suffered enough.

“You could have just said that,” he says,
his smiling returning as he stands up and kisses me.

But I remind him between kisses,
“Payback’s a bitch.”

THE
END