Mine to Fear (2 page)

Apparentl
y
not.

A woman approaches mother and me, hair
spelled bright fuchsia, twisted up too high atop her head with pink
and purple spelled butterflies flitting around it. Her dress is
spelled to sparkle in time with the music, and her make-up changes
every few seconds, each time to something more gaudy than the last.
“Waverly, you're back! Are you going to hold a party soon? No one
throws parties as grand as yours.”

I make some excuse, but my thoughts are on
the parties I held. Is she right? Were they really more garish than
this? What type of example did I set? The thought sends my stomach
churning as I disengage from the woman. Who did I used to be? When
did I change?

I want to be back at home, and my mom knows
it.

Mom pulls me forward. “We have to greet the
Queen at the very least. It would be rude to leave before
then.”

It's tru
e
, but being here has only made me more
frustrated with the frivolous behaviors of my fellow
countryme
n
when there are
women who can't breathe without their husbands' permission
back in Chardonia. The way everyone here flitters about
without a care, or at least cares that aren't life-threatening,
drinking and talking and casually casting their spells, makes me
long for a place that actually needs my help. Or someone to
punch.

When I don't respond to mother's statement,
she says, “I'm worried about you. Nothing has been the same since
you came home.”

Nothing seems the same as it did before.

“
I thought this ball might cheer you
up. You always loved them before,” she says. “When you told me you
accepted the invitation, I thought it might be the opportunity you
needed to return to your old self. I think I was wrong, though. Not
just about the ball but about more. This feeling, and the way
you've been since coming home, it goes deeper than socializing,
doesn't it?”

I wave randomly around the room. “All
this, everyone here, all the spells and extravagant things? It
seems wasteful after living with women who can't even go out in
public without a male chaperone. Who can't even make their own
choices without being punished because of the
m
.” And I need to get back to where I can do
some good. How do I convince my parents of that?

“
I suppose living in Chardonia would
change how you see things.” Her shoulders slouch like the weight on
them is growing too heavy. She has enough to worry about with Dad
and Zad
e.
I shouldn't add to
it. I'm just so restless, and the words keep popping
ou
t
.

“
It has changed everything,” I
say.

She dabs her eyes with her kerchief even
though there's no sign of tears. “Honestly, with your dad feeling
so sick when we left, I'm not of the mind for this type of thing
anyway. Let's pay our respects to the Queen and King and return
home.”

“
Thank you.”

As we make our way toward the thrones,
another woman stops me. “You're Waverly, yes?”

“
I am.”

“
It's such an honor to meet you. I've
heard all about everything you've done for Chardonian
women.”

Oh, she has, has she? It's funny that
she knows more than I've told anyone. Someone in
Sano
s, the rebel group,
must
have been talking, but even they don't know
everything
.

“
You're held in such high esteem,” the
woman continues. “What, with helping
the first woman
to duel in the Chardonian tournament.”

This is ridiculous. I did so little, and
everything they think they know about what I did is just a rumor.
They have no idea what it's really like. I've heard more than
enough. “I did nothing but teach her to make bubbles and color
nails.”

I storm away from the woman, fuming as
I head toward the Queen. What an inane country I belong
t
o
. They claim to want to
help the Chardonian women, yet all they do is parade around in the
spelled finery. No, I want out. I'm neede
d
out there.

***

Mom parks the motor
ca
r
.

“
This is one thing I did miss,” I say.
“It's such a refreshing change to be able to get places faster.
They don't even have windows in their carriages, Mom. And they
wouldn't let me ride a horse unless we were hidden from prying
eyes.”

Mom blanches. “They grow more barbarous
every time you say something about them.”

She would never survive without her daily
horse ride.

“
The girls were wonderful, though,” I
say, trying to point out at least something good since I did
nothing but complain about Chardonia on the way home. She's
probably sorry Zade didn't send me home sooner, so I'd have less to
complain about.

We wander into the house together and head
toward the study. “They sound wonderful the way you've described
them. It's amazing how they could turn out so good with such
terrible surroundings.”

I suppose I may have over-talked the girls.
Even if I've been hesitant to speak about anything else but
Chardonia up until this point, I haven't refrained from telling her
all about the girls I now consider my sisters. My heart aches from
missing them so much, each and every one of them.

It's too quiet here without the little ones
and lonely without the others.

The study is quiet as we enter. Dad is
pale and much too thin where he sits near the fire reading. Zade's
so much like him, but the resemblance has been worn by sickness. It
makes me ache for them bo
th
.

“
How are you feeling tonight, Daddy?”
I place a kiss on his forehead and curl up by his feet.

“
Dandy.” He does sound better than
when I first left for Chardonia. “How is the Queen?”

“
As graceful as ever.”

Mom sits on the arm of the chair and wraps
her arm around Dad's shoulders. Something about the movement
reminds me of Zade and Serena, and Lukas and Cynthia. It pierces my
heart with longing.

I stand, even though I just got settled. “I
think I'll do some reading.”

I take a step, but Dad stops me. “Wait a
moment, dear. Your mother and I have been talking.”

Perfect. The last time they said they'd been
talking like this, I ended up cleaning out the horses' stalls for a
month. Best nip that. “You've decided to buy me my own
motorcar?”

“
That may actually be preferable to
what we've decided.”

Lovely.

Mom shifts uncomfortably. It must be worse
than I think. I plop down on a nearby chair. “What is it?”

“
We're so glad to have you home,” she
says. “We missed you so very much.”

And that's one of the reasons I haven't
snuck back to my almost-sister’s yet despite the overwhelming
desire to run off. “I know.”

“
But you're not happy,” Daddy
says.

I force a smile. “I am happy. I missed you
both so much.”

“
But we're not enough. You miss your
brother and new friends.”

Sigh. “It's not that you two aren't enough.
It’s only that they need me more.”

“
We know, and we love you so much.
Love having you home, love spending time with you, love only having
to worry about the life of one of our children. It's been a good
week. But we know there's greater things out there for you.” My
heart pounds. “This isn't where you want to be, or where you need
to be. Zade and Chadwick had good intentions, but they were wrong
to send you home.”

Are they really saying this? Is this really
leading to what I think it is?

“
Your notes sounded like things were
hard, but you knew how to handle them. How to help your friends and
the other Chardonians. To make things better. Without that, well,
sweetie, you now seem to be floundering.”

“
Just look at you,” Mom says. “You're
already perking up just at the mention of it.”

Guilt pricks me at the fact, that this is
what makes me happy and not my parents. Despite that, the drive to
help is too strong to pretend otherwise. “What are you both
saying?”

“
We'll miss you dearly, but if you
wish to return, you have our blessing.”

I bounce from my seat and wrap them both in
a hug, unable to contain my excitement. “Thank you! Oh, thank you
so much. I will do my best to stay as safe as possible. I
promise!”

Plans are already forming in my head
regarding what I need to pack and do before leaving. I never
thought I'd be so happy to return to such a vile place.

“
There's just one thing,” Dad says.
“We need you to deliver a message to Chadwick.”

“
Why Chadwick? Can't I give it to
Zade?”

“
I thought you'd be happy to have a
reason to talk to him.”

I shrug. Interactions with Chadwick
are hard enough as it is. What's more, I plain just don't want to
interact with him if I don't have to
.

“
The fact is, Zade is already
overworked.” Stress lines Dad's face. How hard is this on him,
having Zade, and soon me again, in Chardonia? “Chadwick can do as
much, or even more than Zade in some cases, since he's not in the
spotlight.”

A message to Chadwick it is. I just don't
know how I feel about it.

***

As I'm frantically throwing things into my
pack, I'm making a mental note of what I'll need. I can't take much
since I have to carry it all, but I should be able to pack the
basics. If only the Grand Chancellor hadn't closed the borders,
this would be so much easier.

“
Going somewhere?”

I whirl around to see Tawny standing in my
doorway, hands behind her back.

“
As a matter of fact, I am. I'm going
back to Chardonia.” I grab an extra pair of shoes and throw them in
my pack. “And don't try to talk me out of it like everyone else has
done. Zade's already sent three notes telling me not to go, even
though he knows better than anyone how desperately I'm needed.” No
word from Chadwick, though. I'll have to talk to him at some
point.

“
I'm not going to talk you out of
it.”

“
Good.”

“
I'm going to try and talk you into
taking me with you.” She pulls a pack out from behind her
back.

My frantic movements come to a screeching
halt.

“
You can stop looking like I've grown
an extra head,” she says.

That knocks me back into reality. “I don't
know. It sort of feels like you have.”

She snorts. “Mom and Dad thought so
too.”

“
They know and are fine with you
coming?”

“
I wouldn't say fine.”

I snap my fingers. “Under no circumstances
will you be coming with me without their permission. Even with
their permission, I can't imagine having to take care of you.
You're one of the heirs to the throne.”

“
Oh, I have their permission. They
just aren't fine with it.”

“
Well, that makes me feel better.”
No
t
.

“
Please let me do this,
Waverl
y
. I need to do more
than just sitting through yet another useless meeting. I need to
make a difference, too.”

I should probably try harder to dissuade
her. Chardonia isn't a place to go on tour, especially not for an
heir to the throne. But there's a glint of determination in her
eyes. I doubt I could stop her even if I tried. She'd find another
way to go, and it wouldn't be with someone who knows what it's
like. Besides, if the Queen has given her permission, who am I to
argue?

“
A two-headed person may be just what
I need for this trip,” I say, happy to have a friend
along.

“
Does that mean I can join
you?”

“
It does.”

Zade is going to kill me. Serena just might
do the same.

“
I
understand
now why we couldn't bring our trunks.” Tawny is almost out of
breath from our journey up the mountainside. Though in all
fairness, she's done a fantastic job so far. How does a princess
stay in such good shape? From exercising more than I, a
non-princess
.

“
Hard to decide what to bring when you
have limited space, though.” I scan the area until I see the rock
with an 'S' etched into it. “It's just over her
e
.”

“
Thank the Quee
n
.”

“
You thank your own
mother?”

She shrugs. “People's words rub off on
me.”

I stop near the entrance. “You have to
promise never to reveal the locatio
n of
the secret entrance into Chardonia
.”

“
Of course not. I'm very good at
keeping secrets.” I suppose an heir to a country would have to be.
“I'll even do the promise spell.”

It's not really necessary. I do trust her,
but if she's offering, I'm taking.

“
All right then,” I say. I think of a
tie, binding us together in this secret, both a physical tie and a
mental one. A bond that will keep the secret safe between the two
of us. I let the spell out in a soft pink. She reaches out, and we
shake hands, the pink spell encompassing our touch. Once complete,
I pull my magic back in.