Mindsight (29 page)

When Kieran tapped on the door I didn’t hesitate. I couldn’t face the next few hours alone with my thoughts. He could obviously see something was wrong. ‘Clare?’ He moved us gently inside bending to look into my face. ‘What’s happened?’

We stood together looking out of the window. The sunset was misty today, the faint streaks of colour like a spill of fizzy orangeade above the flat sea. ‘I’ve just heard something that could explain how I got hold of those pills. Seems someone close to me had been self-medicating and I could easily have stolen them.’

The coloured lights along the promenade flickered on: purple, red, blue, and green. Kieran put his arms around me and I leaned back against him. ‘So that could answer all my questions.’ I could feel his chest moving in and out very steadily as he thought, perhaps worried he might say the wrong thing.

Finally he said, ‘You don’t sound convinced.’

I pulled away from him and headed for the sofa. Kieran perched on the window sill, looking steadily at me. I said, ‘It just doesn’t feel right. None of it feels right. And stupidly I imagined if I got to the truth my memory would come back.’

He shook his head. ‘But I don’t think you have got the whole truth yet. I mean, what about that light? Maybe you still need to find out if there was another vehicle involved in the accident.’ He stood and smiled. ‘You’ll think more clearly when you’ve eaten. I’m too tired to go out, but if you give me ten minutes to clear up I can find us something to eat.’

As I walked upstairs a few minutes later, an ache, like a stitch after running, clutched at my side. I felt as if I was in some kind of dream and for the first time I noticed the tiny multi-coloured dots speckling the blue stair carpet. Kieran was right. Two people were at the crash site in that flash of memory. So either David Hillier or Jake Downes was lying, or both of them were. And, as for Alice, I needed to know if she really had the speed in her bag and if she realised I might have taken it.

Kieran’s door was ajar and he was talking softly on the phone. When I tapped he gestured for me to come in. But when he threw down the handset I realised something was wrong. He looked so different from the way he had only minutes before.

‘Are you all right?’

He ran his fingers through his thick, dark hair. ‘It’s my mum. She’s been rushed to hospital. Apparently she’s adamant I’m not to come up yet, but … ’

There was nothing to say after that and we sat at the table together, playing with the food, watching, as the lights in the town turned on and the stars emerged over the black sea to fill the darkness with a tinselly glitter.

He kissed me then, on my eyelids and my cheekbones, and pulled me to my feet. ‘Stay here tonight, please. I don’t want to be alone and you shouldn’t be either.’

In his bed, I held him and he lay, breathing steadily for a while, until we began to kiss and then to move urgently together. But even as our bodies joined I knew his thoughts, like mine, were far away.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Ringing jolted me from fiery dreams. It was still dark and I lay for a moment, confused about where I was. Then the ringing stopped, the light dazzled me, and for a split second I felt a memory stir again – so close, so very close.

‘Shit.’ Kieran dropped the phone and the bed shook as he leant over the side to reach it.

And the memory slipped away.

I closed my eyes, hating my hopeless brain.

Kieran’s voice was angry with sleep. ‘What? Right I’m leaving now. I’ll be with you in a few hours.’ He threw down the phone, letting it bounce off the bed onto the floor again, and began pulling on trousers and a sweatshirt.

‘Kieran? Is it your mum?’

‘Yes.’ Under the early morning growl his voice had a bitter note. ‘They’re doing an emergency operation.’

‘Shall I get you something to drink?’

‘No. I’ve got to go.’ He pulled his arm away and finished dressing. I lay back, not knowing what to say or do but, when he sat on the bed to tie his laces, he took an enormous breath, reaching behind to touch my hand. ‘I’d never forgive myself if I wasn’t there.’

‘What can I do?’

‘Nothing, except think hopeful thoughts.’ He brushed his face briefly against mine, his breath tickling my hair, and a moment later the door closed quietly behind him.

I lay there, wide awake, wishing I could have done something to help him. After a while I got up. It wasn’t even 6 a.m. but it didn’t feel right to be alone in Kieran’s bed. I switched on the living room light and I stood for a long while studying the photographs on the walls.

The picture of Kieran’s father – so frail and looking into the camera with sunken eyes that saw death approaching – kept me fascinated. I thought of my own dad, with his huge laugh, his expensive clothes, his enjoyment of all the good things in life. And his ability to smile at his wife and children while he lied to them. And yet I still loved him and hated myself for what I’d done to him.

I closed the door very quietly, crept downstairs, and let myself into my own flat, hardly daring to breathe – the last thing I wanted was to see Nic because I still wasn’t sure how she felt about me and Kieran.

Outside the windows the morning was grey and inside it felt bleak, but after I’d showered and dressed I took care with my make-up: I needed to look under control when Stella saw me. The flat was so chilly I shivered and had to scrabble around for a warm jumper. As I did so, the phone rang: Emily and Matt’s home number. And it was Em who spoke.

‘Hi, Clare, is it too early? Only I’ve been up most of the night with Lily and she’s finally asleep.’

‘No, it’s fine and I’m so glad you called. Are you OK now?’

‘Yeah, tired but very happy, just a bit weepy yesterday. Matt said he’d told you not to ring for a day or two so I thought I should call you.’

‘Well, I want to know all about Lily and the gruesome details of the birth, of course, but I have to go to work. Can we talk again later?’

‘OK, this evening if I’m still awake then. But, Clare, I gather Matt put his big fat foot in it and told you about Alice. I’m so sorry. You haven’t mentioned it to her have you?’

‘No, but is it true?’

‘Yes, sort of, but it wasn’t at the wedding. It was on my hen night. You know we all got changed at my place, well, her bag was on the floor and I kicked it over. It fell open and I had to shove everything back inside and saw the pills then.’

‘Did you say anything?’

‘Oh no, I mean she was the doctor so I guessed she knew what she was doing. And I wasn’t surprised because I knew she was working all hours at the hospital and didn’t seem to be coping well. You must have noticed?’

I hadn’t and once again I realised how blind I’d been to everything outside the bubble of my own little family. Emily was still talking. ‘But I know she wasn’t the only one who was on something. The situation at the firm was a nightmare just then.’

I wondered, but didn’t ask, if that applied to Matt too. ‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘If I pinched the stuff from Alice, or from anyone else, I’m still to blame. I just wish you’d told me before.’

I heard her sigh. ‘I did try to say something all those years ago. That’s when you turned against me. And afterwards, when you got out, I just wanted us to be friends again, like before.’ Something in her voice told me she was crying. ‘I’m a coward, I know, but I’ve always thought we should try to put it behind us.’

I looked at the clock; I couldn’t be late to work. ‘I know and it’s OK.’

I was about to say goodbye when a rush of words came from Emily. ‘You know, I’ve only been a mother for five minutes, but I’ve realised something of how you must feel. How important it is for you to find the truth for Tom. I looked at Lily this morning and I knew if I was in your position I wouldn’t rest until I’d answered all her questions.’

‘Thanks, Em, that helps.’

‘But I want to help properly. Don’t forget we’re close to where it happened and Matt grew up in Bramstone. He knows people from around there.’

I’d forgotten about Nic, and in the end we were both closing our doors at the same time. It was impossible not to hold the front door open, and then the gate, to let her manoeuvre the buggy through, and inevitable that we should walk together. There was a sea mist hovering over the town. The road was shiny with moisture, so we had to concentrate to avoid slipping on the steep slope.

‘Did I hear Kieran rush off in the middle of the night?’ she said when the road flattened out.

‘I expect so. His mum was taken ill.’

She smiled at me, expecting something more. Her eyes were as bright as always even in the dull light and I felt a rush of affection for her. It might be good to talk to her about some of it, about Kieran and me, at least. I was going to suggest we share a meal tonight when Molly threw her blue rabbit onto the road. I retrieved it but, as I tried to pass it to Molly, Nic grabbed it and shoved it into the bag on the back of the pushchair, shaking her head and giving a heavy sigh. Molly had managed to slip off her shoe and before I could reach her she’d thrown that too, giving a little giggle.

I went after the shoe as Nic kicked the brake of the pushchair. Her, ‘Molly for goodness sake,’ came through gritted teeth and when she crouched to put the shoe back onto Molly’s waving foot her voice was sharp. ‘You’d better go, Clare. Don’t want you to be late for work as well.’

I left her struggling and headed away. And as I walked I thought better of talking to her about Kieran. After all, I still didn’t know how she felt about us getting together.

On the way home I got a text from Ruby. She must have borrowed an illicit mobile:

Hey you, guess what. I’m out soon. Wish me luck!

I texted back:

Great news, call me.

But somehow I knew she wouldn’t. She’d told me there was no way we could still be friends on the outside and I knew this was her way of saying goodbye. I kept looking at her text for a long while, wishing I could call and speak to her. I doubted I would have survived inside without her and she said I had helped her get through it too.

But Ruby told me over and over that when we got out it was time to move on. ‘I want to forget about this place and everything in it,’ she always said, and after a while I could see she was right. By the time I came to leave I was determined to build a life outside for myself and for Tom, and in order to do that I had to make a fresh start.

The phone rang. ‘Mum?’ Tom’s voice was anxious. ’Are you all right, you sound funny?’

‘I’m fine, just a bit breathless because I’m walking home from work and it’s uphill.’

We talked for a bit as I headed back to the flat, soothed by his voice and his stories of school. ‘And, Mum, I’m in a cricket match next week after school. Can you come?’

I let myself into the flat. ‘I’d love that. Just hold on while I take off my jacket.’ It was difficult to keep my tone light, I was so happy he wanted me there. ‘I haven’t forgotten the put-you-up, by the way. I found a good one on the internet, so I’ll get on with ordering it. Want to make sure it’s here by the time you break up for the summer.’

‘And Alice was talking to Emily about the new baby and they said you might be able to take me up there for a visit.’

I was just absorbing this when he asked, ‘Have you heard from Mr Hillier?’

I’d hoped we could avoid that today, but at least I had one positive thing to tell him. ‘Not yet, but Matt may be able to do a bit of digging around up there while he’s on paternity leave.’

When I rang off I tried Kieran’s phone. No answer, so I sent him a text to tell him I was thinking of him and wishing his mum well.

Then I fired up the laptop to order the put-you-up bed. And there was an email from David Hillier.

Dear Mrs Glazier,

I did manage to see Jake Downes for you and eventually got him talking. First of all, your memory was correct: there was another car there before Jake arrived. He claims to have no idea if it contributed to your accident, however the driver was apparently anxious not to get involved and begged Jake to say he was the first on the scene. It was only after he’d given his evidence that he understood that lying under oath was a crime.

As I told you, he’s been in trouble with the law quite frequently and is terrified of the police. So he panicked when he realised how much he had told me and refused to say any more. He is still adamant that he won’t talk to you and seems convinced you are out to get him.

However I made him promise to come and see me very soon and, if he does so, I will try to get whatever additional information I can. Although he was considerably shaken by our conversation I’m hoping it’s done him good and that what he said may help you and your son.

With very best wishes,

David Hillier

*

I sat back in my chair, almost unable to breathe, my brain reeling. So that flicker of memory was right and a flash of headlights must have been partly to blame for me losing control. The other driver didn’t want to be involved, which in the early hours of the morning, meant it was quite likely he had been drinking. The car must have been coming towards me, so it had to be heading for Bramstone because the road went no further. That meant the driver was probably someone from the village. If that was the case, Mr Hillier would know him, so would he tell me even if Jake had identified the person? I needed to talk to Jake myself.

I replied to the email.

Please tell Jake I don’t hold any kind of grudge against him for what he did. He must have been in an impossible situation. If he will agree to speak to me I will make sure he doesn’t suffer for it.

I had made some strong coffee, and just swallowed a mouthful, when Emily rang. We talked for a while about Lily and the birth. Emily sounded tired, but with the kind of delirious happiness I remembered from the early days after the twins were born.