Mindsight (27 page)

As soon as he was gone, the calmness I’d been feeling disappeared, and my brain began twisting and turning again until I felt it would burst. Had I betrayed Steve? And had I used Kieran to stop myself from thinking? To stop thinking about the fact that I knew why I might have been tempted back to drugs? About why my dad had kept his secret all those years? And, above all, to avoid facing the knowledge of how troubled Tom was and how angry with me he must be?

Because I knew it must have been Tom who’d taken the DVD and torn the place apart.

I pulled on my dressing gown and found Kieran coming out of the kitchen with a tray.

‘I was bringing it back to bed,’ he said.

But I walked over to the window. ‘Can we stay out here for a bit?’ I stood staring into the night. The hint of dawn had disappeared and a single light shone in the black absence of the sea: a boat moving slowly through the nothingness, night fishing.

He was behind me and, as I felt the warmth coming from him, I had a sudden memory of Alice on that first day here. Had it really been only weeks since then? I leant into his body, welcoming his closeness.

We stayed there as we ate the toast he’d made. Then I faced him again and he opened my dressing gown and began to kiss my yellowing bruises, one by one. But his lips on my skin seemed to light something inside and I didn’t want gentleness from him now. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back to the bedroom. We made love again, so fiercely this time that, at the end, we lay apart as if afraid to touch.

He slept for a while, but I was wide awake and as it became light I knew I must make sure I was fit to cope with work today. In the kitchen, as I made some tea, I saw Mr Hillier’s letter on the table. It hardly seemed possible that I’d only opened it last evening. I wiped away a smear of butter and took the letter back to bed.

Mr Hillier wrote:

*

Your visit made quite an impact on me, as did your letter. I was particularly moved by the note from your son, of course. It must be some considerable consolation for you to have such a loyal young man by your side and I do hope the two of you can begin to make a new life for yourselves. Believe me, Mrs Glazier, I have always felt a lot of sympathy for you. As a parent myself I know the terrible loss you have suffered was a far greater punishment than anything the law could inflict.

In fact I have managed to speak to Jacob Downes, by phone, on your behalf. Unfortunately he refuses to have any contact with you, which doesn’t surprise me. However I did persuade him to talk a little about that night. Mostly this was a repetition of what he told the court, but he said something several times that I’d never heard before and I think it might comfort you. His words, as precisely as I can recall them, were, ‘She tried to help them, really tried and so did I. So we didn’t do anything wrong.’

Of course you were unconscious by the time I saw you, but if what he says is correct, it seems clear that you were desperate to save your family, despite your own injuries. He probably still feels guilty that he couldn’t do more. That was certainly the impression he gave me.

It was kind of him, but it didn’t help much. I’d never doubted I would have tried to get to them if I’d been able. He’d added his phone number and email address so at least it looked like he’d be prepared to talk to me again.

Kieran stirred and reached out for me and part of me longed to fall back into his arms again. Instead, I passed him the letter.

‘Not much use is it?’ he said, when he’d read it. He lay back on the pillows and picked up the photo frame from the bedside table, studying the three faces. ‘This is Toby then. He looks a lovely lad too.’

He didn’t mention Steve, but I was very conscious of my husband’s face smiling out of the frame and suddenly I needed only to be alone. Bone-weary, I crawled from bed, knocking over my full mug. I left the tea to soak into the carpet and dragged myself to the bathroom, asking myself what the hell I was doing adding Kieran to the rest of my worries.

The phone rang. ‘Hi, Clare – Stella.’ I stared at the clock; it was only just after 7.30. ‘I’m ringing to say, take today off.’ Before I could tell her I was fine, she went on. ‘I happened to call Alice last night, and she told me about Tom. I’ve just spoken to her again and I gather he didn’t get back till all hours, so I can imagine you didn’t sleep much and you already looked done in yesterday.’

When I tried to protest again, she was firm. ‘I’m not arguing with you. You’ll be of no use to me anxious and exhausted. Have a day to sort yourself out. Harriet can do your shift.’

It sounded like an ultimatum, but I was too tired to care. There was nothing I wanted more now than to sleep, but that would have meant going back to bed. And to Kieran.

Thank God, he came out already dressed. I pretended to be searching for something in the fridge, but he put his arms around my waist, his lips close to my ear, and I felt the thrill of his touch shiver through me again. ‘It’s no good, the cupboard is bare,’ he said. ‘But I’ve got bacon and eggs upstairs. Back in a minute.’

He must have left the door ajar because I heard, ‘Morning, Clare. Everything all right?’ and Nic stood in my hall, Molly in her arms. ‘Kieran said your boy got back all right.’

I tightened the belt of my dressing gown, feeling the heat rise in my face. ‘Yes. Thanks so much for looking out for him.’

She raised her eyebrows as Kieran ran downstairs. ‘Morning Kieran. Sorry I can’t stay for breakfast, some of us have to work.’ Was I imagining it or did she look upset? I told myself I must have been because as she went out the front door she gave a little laugh and shouted back, ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, will you?’

‘Well, so much for keeping it to ourselves,’ he said, as he put a pan on the stove.

Alice phoned when I was trying to eat a little of the breakfast Kieran had cooked, very conscious of his warm hand on my bare knee. I took the phone over to the window.

She said she was keeping Tom home from school. Following advice from Emma, the psychiatrist, she had said nothing much when he got back last night and he had gone straight to his room. ‘I’ve left him to sleep. Martha, our daily, will keep an eye on him and ring me if there are any problems and I can be home early this afternoon. I’ll talk to him then and let you know.’

I told her about Stella. ‘I’ve got the whole day free, so I’ll come over and try to speak to him myself, shall I?’

‘Best leave it, Clare. I’ve been through this kind of thing with him before.’

A surge of real anger went through me.
This was my responsibility.
I took a breath.
Be calm
. ‘But this is different. It’s all to do with what I told him the other day and if I avoid him now it’ll be like telling him I don’t care if he’s upset.’

Her voice was very calm too. ‘I just want to make sure he’s ready to hear what you have to say.’

‘I think I can manage.’ I wanted to tell her that Tom was my son and I knew how to talk to him, but of course that wasn’t true. I willed her not to argue because I was afraid of what I might blurt out if she did.

‘OK, Clare, fine. Just be careful will you?’

‘Of course I will.’ I made an effort to make my voice warmer. ‘And when you get home you can relax while I cook us all some dinner.’

She gave a small laugh. ‘That’s the best offer I’ve had today. See you later.’

I went straight to the bathroom to shower and dress, putting Tom’s crumpled list of questions in my bag, along with Hillier’s letter.

Kieran had washed up and was standing by the window in the living room. He turned and smiled. ‘How are things with Tom?’

‘Alice is keeping him home from school today. I’m going over to see if he’ll talk to me.’

He stretched and yawned. ‘I could do with some fresh air. I’ll drive you.’ My doubts must have showed on my face because he laughed. ‘It’s all right, I’ll make myself scarce.’

It seemed easier to go along with him and in the car I pretended to doze, wondering what the hell kind of mess my life was in. The trouble was, my anxiety about being in a car, especially on a country road like this, made it impossible to sustain the pretence for long. And I was soon sitting upright, one hand on my door, my foot pressing at an imaginary brake, as I looked out at the trees, the light slanting through their branches.

Gradually, our speed increased on the long straight road and I gripped the edge of my seat. As the trees flashed by, Kieran glanced over at me. I swallowed, trying to get a look at the speedometer, certain we must be going too fast. Then I saw a lorry approaching on the other side of the road and clutched at Kieran’s arm.

The car swerved and there was a blast from the lorry’s horn. It passed within inches of us as we slowed and bumped onto the grass verge. When we were stationary Kieran turned to me, his face twisted.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’

My breath was coming in harsh gasps that hurt my chest, and it seemed an age before I could speak. ‘I’m sorry, but you were going so fast.’

‘It’s a clear road and dead straight.’ He turned off the engine and, in the silence that followed, my breath began to steady itself, but I needed to get out into the fresh air. I bent over, certain I was about to be sick, but as I stood on the grass, with the quiet countryside all around me, my heart slowed and the churning in my stomach calmed.

Then Kieran was behind me, solid and warm, holding me close and whispering that he was sorry too. ‘I should have thought. You’re bound to be scared of speed. I just enjoy putting my foot down but I promise, never again.’ He turned me towards him for a long kiss, until a hoot and a shout from a passing car had us pulling apart. Laughing, Kieran gave the driver the finger. ‘Come on, before we get arrested.’

After that, he drove sedately, smiling over at me every so often. Finally, he put his hand on my knee. ‘I realise this is difficult for you, and that’s fine. I just want you to know I can wait and I’d love to help in any way I can. Or I can keep out of it if that’s how you want it.’

I had no idea how to respond with anything more than a, ‘Thank you,’ but he seemed happy enough with that.

‘You know earlier, when you got upset about my speeding?’ he said. ‘I wondered, for a minute, if you’d had one of those memory flashes.’

‘No, nothing like that. I was just scared.’ As I watched his neat brown hands on the wheel, my skin quivered to a different memory: the memory of his touch. Then I forced myself to think, not about him, but about what I needed to do for my son.

‘I know Tom’s never going to be happy until I can tell him I’ve remembered everything, but what if I never do?’

He didn’t answer for a moment, concentrating on the road as another car overtook us. ‘Well, I suppose you could always tell him you
have
remembered.’

‘No, I promised I wouldn’t lie to him.’

‘Even if it’s for his own good?’

I had nothing to say to that and, as we reached another stretch of straight road and his speed increased, I couldn’t stop my hand clutching at my seatbelt. He glanced over, said, ‘Sorry,’ and slowed down.

‘You see, I’m pretty sure the light I keep seeing in my dreams is a real memory, and it has to be another vehicle on that corner. So why won’t my mind let me remember it properly?’

‘Well, you were under the influence, so maybe you were so out of it that the light was all you ever registered.’

It was very possible, but … ‘Oh, I don’t know. I just wish I could speak to Jacob Downes myself. I’m sure he must know something. Either it was his headlight, or he saw another car. And why do I seem to see another figure with him?’

He said nothing for a while, then, ‘Well, when Mr Hillier arrived you could have been half conscious. Just enough to be aware of his presence and of the two voices.’

That made as much sense as anything else.

As we pulled into the drive of Beldon House, Kieran whistled, ‘Nice place, bit different to the two up two down I grew up in.’

‘But you were happy there, weren’t you?’

‘Yeah, we were. It was great until Dad got ill.’

I thanked him, feeling awkward again, but when he leaned over and gave me a light kiss it felt completely natural. ‘Good luck. See you later,’ was all he said.

When I’d introduced myself to Martha, she said she’d banged on Tom’s door to tell him she was here, but had heard nothing. I went up and knocked, ‘Tom, it’s Mum. I’m coming in to talk to you.’ He was out of bed, but still in his pyjamas, sitting on the window seat that overlooked the driveway. He must have seen me arrive.

He shuffled his feet and looked down, speaking in a strangled voice. ‘I’m sorry about last night, Mum. Alice said you were worried. She shouldn’t have told you.’

‘She had to. I’m your mum and I need to know these things. Besides, she thought you might have come over to me.’ He was scraping at the carpet with his foot and I forced myself to go on. ‘Where were you all that time?’

‘Just round here, walking. Went to the park for a while; kicked a ball about for a bit too.’

‘A very long bit.’

‘Yeah, but that’s all.’ He looked up at me, ‘Honest, Mum.’

‘Have you apologised to Alice?’

‘Not yet.’

‘But you will as soon as she gets home?’ He nodded. ‘We were so worried about you, both of us, and Alice says you’ve done it before. Why, Tom?’

‘Dunno.’

‘So what now?’

‘’Spect I’ll be grounded for the week.’

‘And you know you deserve that, don’t you?’ He shrugged, but it seemed best to leave it there. ‘Look, I know all this is very difficult for you and I’m sure I’m doing everything wrong, but I am trying. Will you promise to talk to me or to Alice when something upsets you in future?’

He looked out towards the road. ‘OK.’

‘OK, what?’

He turned back with a hint of a smile. ‘OK, I promise.’

My knees felt suddenly weak and I sat on the warm, crumpled bed. How on earth could I ask him about the break-in without setting him off again? The heat didn’t help. ‘Can you let in some air?’