Mindsight (18 page)

‘I’m sorry I’ve nothing to say to you.’

But I’d anticipated this and held up my hand. ‘There’s no need to be frightened, Mr Hillier. I’m out of prison and I hoped you might be able to help me. I can’t remember that night, and I thought if I talked to some of the people who were there, something might come back to me. I still have a son, you see, and I want to tell him the whole truth.’

He looked doubtful but no longer alarmed and stepped back to let me into the cramped hallway. ‘Oh …Well, I really don’t think I can help you, Mrs Glazier, but as you’re here …’ He gestured for me to go into the front room. The mantelpiece and the two brimming bookshelves were cluttered with framed photos, most of them of smiling youngsters. In the middle, a studio portrait of an attractive middle-aged woman – the dead wife, I guessed.

The room smelt of pipe smoke and bacon with a hint of something alcoholic. He lowered himself into an upright armchair, wriggling to straighten the crumpled cushions behind him. Then turned the music down, picked up his pipe and gestured to the sofa. It was covered in a tweedy material that pricked the back of my thighs through my thin trousers, so I sat on my hands and leaned towards him.

‘I was just hoping you might be able to press some buttons. You know, recall some details. It doesn’t matter how silly or irrelevant they seem to you. My therapist said anything can trigger a memory.’

‘And you still remember absolutely nothing?’ I shook my head. ‘The trouble is my own memory isn’t what it was,’ he said. ‘Also, to be honest with you, Mrs Glazier, it was a difficult time for me altogether. There was my wife’s death, the funeral and all that. And then I had to contend with the trial.’

‘I am sorry to bring it up again, but if there’s anything at all … ’

He sucked his pipe for a moment, then took it out and stared thoughtfully at the shiny mark left by his lips on the mouthpiece. ‘They told me there was no point in staying that night. She was in a coma by then, morphine-induced I suppose, and they assured me she would last another couple of days and I should go home.’

‘It must have been after two in the morning and the road was very dark, of course, only the cats’ eyes for light. And just a couple of miles from here, that nasty bend … well you know where it happened.’ I nodded, trying to see what was in his mind. ‘I was very far away in my thoughts, with Gloria in that bleak little room.’

His hand shook as he poked strands of tobacco into the bowl of his pipe. Then he looked down at it muttering, ‘Filthy habit, ’and tossed it onto the crowded little table beside him where it slipped down between a pile of books and a bottle of Scotch.

‘So, you didn’t hear anything?’

‘No, but there were the flames. Thought it was some idiot with a bonfire out of control. But then I saw the two of you, and the car against the tree.’

‘So Downes, Jacob Downes on the motor bike, got there a good while before you?’

‘That I couldn’t say, but by the time I arrived the car was already alight and there was no chance of helping the others … although at the time, I didn’t realise there were any others.’

I swallowed and forced myself to say it. ‘So you didn’t hear any … any screams, or anything?’

‘Oh no, nothing like that. I’d have gone to help if I’d even thought …’

‘You see, I sometimes think I remember screams.’ As my breath caught I saw his face contort too, and realised how awful this was of me. I couldn’t lay my guilt onto an innocent old man.

He stood and laid a hand briefly on my shoulder. ‘Cup of tea I think, eh? Nice and strong.’ I walked to the window and stared out as I listened to him potter in the kitchen. The sun had gone in, and a fresh wind was bothering the petals of the petunias. The lavender however stood stiff and unmoving.

‘No biscuits I’m afraid. Gloria banned them when I started to put on weight and it’s funny, but I never fancy one nowadays. Will you pour?’

I was tempted to tell him to get on with it, but I waited till he was sipping noisily at his tea. ‘I know you probably said all this at the trial, but I can only remember snippets. You were saying you saw Jacob Downes right away. Where was his bike?’

‘I really can’t remember. In fact, I thought at first he was with you. Then I realised he was a local lad, just another passer-by like myself.’

‘And he was helping me from the car?’

‘Well no, by the time I got to there you were on the ground and definitely unconscious. I’m sorry this isn’t much help but, really, I saw very little.’

Something he’d said struck me then. ‘You said Jacob Downes was local. Did you know him before the accident?’

He put down his cup and looked at me. ‘I’m not sure that’s relevant.’

‘I was wondering if you might know how I could contact him.’

A sigh. ‘Look, Mrs Glazier, I can see how difficult it must be for you – the not knowing – but I doubt very much if Jake can help you any more than I can.’

Jake, not Jacob
, I leaned towards him. ‘I’m not looking for anything dramatic, Mr Hillier. I accepted long ago that the accident was my fault. It’s just … some tiny detail could be the key to unlocking my memory and helping my son.’

Another sigh. ‘I can understand that, of course, but from what I know of Jake Downes I doubt he’ll be willing, or even able, to help you. It’s true he was an ex-pupil from my school but, as headmaster, I didn’t know him well. I checked his records after the accident, just out of interest, and some of his teachers talked about him. Unfortunately, he was a very vulnerable young man. If I recall correctly, he lost his father when he was still at school and his mother was ill too, so he was in and out of foster homes. During the trial he seemed terrified of the police and it was clear, from the way they dealt with him, they knew him of old.’

His stirred his tea, the spoon loud against the china. ‘I’m telling you this in the hope you’ll give up the idea of contacting him.’

‘So you won’t help me find his address?’

‘I’m sorry, no, and I honestly don’t think he’d be any help to you.’

I gritted my teeth; it was hopeless. ‘Well, did he talk to you during the trial or when you were giving your statements to the police?’

‘No, they kept us pretty much apart. Didn’t want us comparing stories, I suppose. And he was obviously somewhat uneasy with me, as his ex-head teacher.’

I brought the image of Downes in the witness box to mind again. Thin, scruffy, and not too bright. Yes, that made sense.

I stood, and as he ushered me to the door, I could almost hear his sigh of relief. ‘Well thank you for your time, Mr Hillier.’ But I knew I couldn’t leave it there. ‘I can understand why you won’t give me Jacob’s contact details, but would you consider speaking to him for me?’

I touched his arm as he began to shake his head. ‘You could reassure him that all I want is to learn exactly what he saw. I certainly won’t be trying to get the police to reopen the case or anything like that. So it would just be a chat with me, by email if that was how he wanted it.’

I pulled a slip of paper from my pocket. ‘This is my address, phone numbers, and my email, if you do get in touch with him, or if you think of anything else yourself. ’

‘I’m sorry, but frankly I want to forget the whole incident. It might seem harsh to you, but I’ve had a good deal of tragedy in my life, Mrs Glazier, and I can tell you it doesn’t do any good to dwell on it.’

I decided to walk back to Emily’s, but I’d overestimated the distance and it ended up taking far longer than I expected. I tried her on my mobile, but her phone was engaged, so I hoped she was too busy to worry about me.

The sun had come out again and by the time I reached the cottage I was sweating. There was no reply to my tap on the front door so I walked round to the back, remembering the kitchen had a stable door. As I expected, the top half was open to let in the breeze, and I could hear Emily talking. She was still on the phone, but her voice was so shrill I stopped in my tracks. Better to wait till she finished and avoid embarrassment.

I told myself I stayed where I was because she might hear my footsteps, but in reality I was eavesdropping. I learned in prison that eavesdroppers may not hear anything good, but they can find out many things that will help them avoid trouble. Emily’s voice was quieter, but still audible, and still with a note of suppressed anger. ‘I told you, tomorrow … OK. I’ll see you on Saturday then, instead. Yes, me too … Phone me from the station. Bye. Yes, OK, bye.’

She made an odd little noise and I heard water running, but I stayed leaning against the wall. The caller was obviously Matt, but was the conversation about me? I’d told Emily I had to leave tomorrow, so was Matt staying away to avoid me?

When I thought I’d left it long enough, I crept back to the front door and tapped. Emily’s face looked a bit red, but that could have been caused by the heat. ‘Oh there you are, I was just about to send out a search party,’ she said.

She had made some sandwiches and we sat in the garden. The table was under a tree and there was a view all around of the wide fells, the breeze making it a little chill. Emily yawned.

‘Didn’t you sleep well?’ I asked. Had she heard me wandering around in the night?

‘Oh yes, like a log, but I’m always tired these days.’

I decided to risk it. ‘So how’s Matt?’ After Dad died, the firm had been taken over by a big American company, and Matt had been promoted rapidly. I had never been able to see him as a boardroom man, though. Unlike Dad, Matt always seemed like a real scientist, but when I’d seen him last he had actually looked the part of the successful executive.

Emily stroked her stomach and we both contemplated the bump for a moment. ‘Thrilled about the baby, but not happy at work. He hates being part of a conglomerate and what he has is basically a desk job. They had to keep some of the people from Parnell Pharmaceuticals on after the merger and, of course, the money’s pretty good.’

I brushed some crumbs from my lap. ‘But it’s not Matt, is it?’

‘No, and that’s one of the reasons he’s going to all these conferences, trying to network with other chemists. What he’d love is a university post, but they’re few and far between these days.’

I looked across the fields, the blood beginning to drum in my temples. ‘I went back to Bramstone this morning.’

‘Oh, Clare, why?’

‘I hoped it might trigger something. Called in to see Mr Hillier too.’

She folded her arms, shivering slightly. ‘Who?’

‘The old chap – the witness.’

‘And?’

‘He couldn’t help.’

She stood, shaking her head, and began picking up our plates. I grabbed the cups and said, ‘Leave this, I’ll do it.’ But she carried on, letting out a small gasp of exasperation as she dropped a knife and tried, and failed, to bend for it.

I picked it up and followed her back to the house.

‘Look, I’m tired, I think I’ll go up for an hour,’ she said.

After she’d gone I went back into the garden. It was very quiet and my mind began to circle endlessly again. I asked myself what I was doing. I’d upset Emily, I’d hurt Lorna, and I was no closer to having Tom back with me.

Alice had always assumed I would come to live with them when I got out, but I’d been determined to be independent. I’d talked for hours to Ruby, building up a fantasy where Tom and I would live happily together. We would get a little cottage and put the past behind us to be a family again. It suddenly seemed ridiculous.

The wind was really blowing now and I realised I was very cold. It was the kind of bone-deep cold you feel when you’re ill, and inside, I huddled near the Aga, pulling my mobile out. I wanted only one thing – to speak to Tom.

‘Hi Mum. OK?’

Keep it light.
‘I’m fine. How’s it going?’ All I wanted was to listen to his sweet, gruff voice, to know he was there.

‘Yeah. But, Mum, have you found out anything? From Emily or Matt?’ His voice had the slight squeak I knew betrayed excitement.

I explained that Emily and I had talked and I’d visited one of the witnesses. ‘Mr Hillier was really kind, but it was difficult to get much out of him.’ Then, because I couldn’t bear to disappoint him, ‘But it’s good to be up here and maybe it will help my memory. The doctors say these things are often gradual. So I’m hoping … What about you? How’s the revision going?’

He was obviously reluctant to let the subject go. ‘OK. Good. But, Mum …’ Alice’s voice in the distance now. ‘Oh, yeah. Got to go. Music lesson. Will you call me as soon as you get back?’

‘Of course. Bye …’ The dialling tone cut me off and I sat feeling lonelier, more mixed up, than ever. The Aga, giving off waves of gentle heat, had warmed my hands and feet, but the cold stayed lodged inside and I wrapped my arms round my midriff, rocking myself slowly as if to thaw the block of ice trapped there.

By the time Emily
surfaced I had taken a hot shower and put on some make up and knew at least I looked normal. I’d offered to cook, but she suggested we walk to the village pub for dinner. ‘It’s a shame,’ she said, ‘but I had a call from Matt. He can’t get back tonight after all. So you won’t see him.’ She was taking a jacket from a hook in the hall and putting it on, not looking at me, as she spoke. I didn’t say anything.

In the pub, as we waited for our food, I found myself talking about Ruby and some of the others I’d met in prison. The kind of hopeless lives many of them had.

Suddenly Em was scrabbling in her bag. ‘Sorry, sorry …oh damn.’ She pulled out a tissue and blew her nose. ‘I’m so emotional at the moment, but it’s awful to think of what you’ve been through, all those other women too. I used to wish so much I could help somehow and – oh I don’t know.’

‘Well you can help me now by trying to remember even the smallest details about that day and the days around it.’

The barmaid called, ‘Lamb casserole and fish pie,’ as she clunked two plates onto the bar and I was forced to break off and collect them. Back at the table, Emily was pulling another tissue apart. I waited till we’d sorted cutlery and she’d begun to poke at her pie.

‘Emily?’

She sighed. ‘You don’t seem to realise I’ve been over and over it through the years. If there was anything that could excuse what you did, don’t you think I’d want to find it?’