Mind of My Mind (22 page)

"Is Karl alone now?" he asked.

I checked. "Yes, for a change." Karl had been screwing around with Jan, of all

people. He couldn't have found a better way to disgust me.

"Then, go to him now. Talk to him."

I gave Doro a dirty look. It was late, and I was in no mood to hear the things Karl

would probably say to me. I just wanted to go to bed. But I got up and went to see Karl.

He was lying on his back interfering with the thoughts of some sleeping local

politician. I hesitated for a moment to find out what he was doing. He was just making

sure that a company he and Doro controlled got a zone variance it needed to erect a

building. He had a job, anyway. I knocked at his door.

He listened silently to what I had to tell him, his face expressionless.

"So we're here, we belong to you, and that's that," he said quietly.

"That wasn't my point."

"Yes it was. Along with the fact that we might as well find some way to live our lives

this way and make the best of it."

"All I want us to do is settle down and start acting like human beings again."

"If that's still what we are. What do you want from me?"

"Help, if you can give it. If you will."

"Me, help you?"

"You're my husband."

"That wasn't my idea."

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. This wasn't the time to fight with him.

"Doro will back you up," he said. "He's all you need."

"He's putting me on my own. He's putting us on our own."

"Why? What have you done?"

"Nothing, so far. It's not punishment. He just thinks it's time we found out whether we

can survive without him—as a group."

"Whether you can survive."

"No, us, really. Because, if things go bad, I'm not about to let the others get me

without taking as many of them as I can with me." I took a deep breath. "That's why I

want your help. I'd like to get through this without killing anybody."

He looked a little surprised. "Are you so sure you can kill?"

"Positive."

"How can you know? You've never tried."

"You don't want to hear how I know, believe me."

"Don't be stupid. If you want my help at all, you'd better tell me everything."

I looked at him. I made myself just look at him until I could answer quietly. "I know

the same way you know how to eat when you're hungry. I'm that kind of parasite, Karl. I

suppose you and the others might as well face it the way I have."

"You . . . you're saying you're a female Doro?"

"Not exactly, but that's close enough."

"I don't believe you."

"Oh yes you do."

He stared at me silently for a moment. "I didn't want to believe you could read me

through my shield either."

"I can. That's part of my ability, too."

"You have enough abilities not to need my help."

"I told you why I need you."

"Yes. You don't want to kill."

"Not unless somebody is stupid enough to attack me."

"But if hunger is what you feel, how can you avoid doing something about it

eventually? You'll have to kill."

"It's more like having an appetite—like being able to eat but not really being hungry."

"But you will get hungry. It seems to me that's why we're here. We're your food

supply. You're gathering people the way Doro does. It just isn't as much work for you as

it is for him."

"Yeah," I said softly. "I've been thinking things like that myself. They might be all

wrong. But even if they aren't, I don't know what to do about it."

He turned his head, stared at a bookcase. "Short of committing suicide, there's not

much you can do."

"And I'm not about to do that. But I'll tell you, as mad as these people make me

sometimes, it would be almost as hard for me to kill one of them as it would be for me to

commit suicide. I don't want their lives."

"For now."

"And I don't want anybody forcing me to change my mind. Because, if I do, I'm not

sure I'll be able to control myself. I might kill more of you than I mean to." I got up to

leave. "Karl, I'm not asking you to make up your mind now, or promise me anything. I

just wanted you to know there was a choice to make." I started for the door.

"Wait a minute."

I stopped, waited.

"You're closed, shielded all the time," he said. "I don't think you've unshielded once

since you did it for me after your transition."

"Would you if you were living with people who wanted to kill you?"

"What if I asked you to open for me? Just for me. Now."

"Why?"

"Because you need me. And because I need to see the truth of what you're telling

me."

"I thought that was settled."

"I've got to see it for myself, Mary. I've got to be certain. I can't . . . do what you're

asking until I've seen for myself that it's necessary."

I read him, saw that he was telling the truth. He was angry and bitter and he didn't

like himself much for even thinking about siding with me. But he knew it was his best

chance for survival—for a while, at least.

I opened. I was more worried about accidentally taking him than I was about what he

might find out. I was a little touchier about his rummaging through my memories than I

had been before, but I put up with it. He didn't go after anything more than verification of

what I had told him. That was all he cared about.

"All right," he said after a moment.

I shielded, looked at him.

"I'll do what I can to help you," he said. "And heaven help both of us."

Chapter Seven

MARY

Winning Karl over gave me the courage to get right to work on the others. I called

everybody together in the living room at around ten the next morning. Karl came in with

Vivian, and Seth Dana came with Ada and Clay. Vivian and Clay didn't really have to be

there, of course, but it didn't matter to me that they were.

Karl had to go and get Jan. She said she wasn't about to take orders from me. I

figured we'd have this meeting and then, if she still felt that way, I'd show her how gentle

Doro had been with her.

And Doro had to get Jesse and Rachel. They were shacked up in Jesse's room now,

like they meant to stay together for a while. They were sure as hell together in their

opinion of me. In fact, they were so close together and they hated me so much that I knew

if I had to take anybody, it would probably be one of them. And the way they had been

acting for the past few days, I didn't see how I could get away with taking just one.

Neither of them was going to sit by and watch the other killed.

That bothered me. I realized that their feelings for each other could be used against

them—that, for a while at least, I could control one by threatening the other. But,

somehow, I didn't want to do that. I'd try it if I had to, rather than kill them both and make

myself a liability to Doro, but I hoped they wouldn't push me that far.

Once they were all in the room, with Doro sitting by himself off to one side, I made

my speech. Doro told me later that I was too blunt, too eager to threaten and challenge.

He was probably right.

I told everybody that the pattern was a permanent fixture binding them to me. It

wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't going anywhere, and they weren't going to do anything

to me. I told them I could kill them, would kill them if they pushed me, but that I didn't

want to kill them if I could avoid it. I told them to follow the feelings I knew they were

suppressing and accept the pattern. Get themselves some new interests or revive some old

ones, get jobs if they wanted them, stop sitting around bitching like kids. I spoke quietly

to them. I didn't rant and rave. But they still didn't like what I had to say.

And, of course, except for Karl, they didn't want to believe me. I had to open to them.

I had thought that might be necessary. I hadn't been looking forward to it but I was ready

to do it. First, though, I did what I could to throw a scare into them.

"Look," I said quietly. "You all know me. You know I'll do whatever I have to to

defend myself. Try anything more than reading me now, and you've had it. That's all."

I opened. I could see that they were moving cautiously, trying to find out whether I

had the power I claimed before they made any move against me—which was intelligent

of them.

I had never opened my mind to anyone but Karl before. I had only the memories of

the others to tell me what it was like to open to more than one person at a time. They had

never done it deliberately. It was just that they couldn't stay shielded all the time, the way

I could. Their shields cut off their mental perception totally. In a way, for them, shielding

was like wandering around wearing a gag, a blindfold, and earplugs. None of them could

put up with it for long. So sometimes they picked up things from each other. Sometimes

two or three of them picked up something from one. They didn't like it, but they were

learning to live with it. Doro had said that in itself was more than he had dared to hope

for. Actives had never been able to live with it before. He said it seemed much easier for

my actives to keep out of each other's minds than it had been for earlier generations. He

gave my pattern the credit for that. Maybe my pattern deserved the credit for the way I

was able to accept them all into my mind, too. Like them, I didn't enjoy it. But I wasn't

nervous or afraid, because I knew I could defend myself if I had to, and I knew none of

them meant to try anything—yet. I was just uncomfortable. Like I'd suddenly found

myself stark naked in front of a lot of strangers, all of whom were taking a good look.

At least it was easy to keep track of them and know who was getting what. I hadn't

been sure it would be with so many. But I spotted Jesse the moment he decided to do a

little snooping into matters other than the truth of what I had told them.

I reached out and contracted the muscle of his lower leg into a tight, hard knot.

I had taken Rachel's advice and been working on my own to develop whatever

healing ability I had. I was still a long way from being ready to call myself a healer, but I

had learned a few things from viewing my body and other people's bodies from the

inside.

And I had read medical books and I had read Rachel. I found that I learned best,

though, by watching people who had things wrong with them—seeing how their bodies

healed, understanding what had gone wrong in the first place. If I could understand it, I

could make it happen.

A few days before, I had gotten a bad cramp in my leg.

So now Jesse had a bad cramp in his leg. He yelled, more surprised than hurt—

although it did hurt. And, of course, he snapped his attention away from me like a

released rubber band.

It was a very quick, very easy thing, to cause a cramp. By the time the others realized

I had done it, I was finished and paying attention to them again. They dropped away from

me almost all at once. Almost. Rachel hung on, shaped her thoughts into words for me.

Don't think you can ever handle me that way!

Of course not, I sent back. Unfortunately for you, the only way 1 can handle you is by

killing you.

She dropped away from me mad and scared and ashamed of herself for being scared.

As she broke contact, Jesse stood up. His cramp had faded away normally, since I

hadn't done anything to prolong it or make it worse. I could have used his own muscle to

break his leg. He didn't seem to realize that. He started toward me.

Karl got up quickly, stepped in front of Jesse. A distance runner facing a football

player. They made a contrast. Karl spoke just as Jesse was about to knock him out of the

way.

"A question, Jess," he said quietly. "Only a question. What do you imagine you'll do

when you reach her—aside from letting her make an example of you, I mean." And he

stepped out of Jesse's path and sat down again. Jesse stayed where he was, glaring first at

Karl, then at me.

"One woman," he said bitterly. "A woman, for Godsake! The biggest damn thing

about her is her mouth! And you're all going to let her tell you you're serving a life