Mind of My Mind (21 page)

in here."

"Would you call her down?"

"Why?"

"I made Jesse sleep when I finished with him, but I could feel then how hungry he

was."

I froze with my sandwich halfway to my mouth. "Is he? And how do you feel?" I

didn't have to ask. I could read it from her faster than she could say it.

"Fine. Not drained at all. I—" She looked at me, suddenly accusing. "You know how

I should be feeling, don't you?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

I was surprised to realize how much I didn't want to tell her. None of them knew that

I could read them through their shields, that nothing they could do would keep me out.

They hated me enough already. But I had already decided not to hide my ability. Not to

act as though I were ashamed of it or afraid of them. "I read it in your mind," I said.

"When?" She was beginning to look outraged.

"That doesn't matter. Hell, I don't even remember exactly when."

"I've been shielded most of the time. Unless you read it just now while I was healing .

. . you were reading me then, weren't you?"

"Yes."

"You watched what I did, then came in here to try it on yourself."

"That's right. Doesn't it seem strange to you that you don't feel drained?"

"We'll get back to that. I want to find out more about your snooping. I didn't feel you

reading me just now."

I took a deep breath. "I could say that was because you were so busy with Jesse, but I

won't bother. Rachel, you'll never feel me reading you unless I want you to."

She looked at me silently for several seconds. "It's part of your special ability, then.

You can read people without their being aware of it. And . . . you can read people without

thinning your shield enough to have them read you. Because you weren't open just now. I

would have noticed." She stopped as though waiting for me to say something. I didn't.

She went on, "And you can read people right through their shields. Can't you!" It was a

demand or an accusation. Like she was daring me to admit it.

"Yes," I said. "I can."

"So you've taken our mental privacy as well as our freedom."

"It looks like I've given you something, too."

"Given me what?"

"Freedom from the parasitic need you feel so guilty about sometimes."

"If you weren't hiding behind Doro, I'd show you how much I appreciate your gift."

"No doubt you'd try. But since Doro is on my side, shouldn't we at least try to get

along?"

She turned and walked away from me.

Nothing was settled and I had one more strike against me. But at least I was starting

to learn to heal. I had a feeling I should learn as much as I could about that as quickly as I

could. In case Rachel tried something desperate.

Nobody tried anything for a while, though. There was only the usual arguing. Jesse

promised me he was going to "get" me. He was a big, dumb, stocky guy, blond, good

looking, mean—a troublemaker. But, somehow, he was the one active that I was never

afraid of. And he was wary of me. He told himself I was crazy, and he kept away from

me in spite of his threat.

People began to get together in the house to do something besides argue.

Seth started sleeping in Ada's room, and Ada, our mouse, started to look a little more

alive.

Jesse went to Rachel's room one night to thank her for healing him. His gratitude

must have pleased her. He went back the next night to thank her again.

Karl said "Good morning" to me once. I think it just slipped out.

Rachel told Doro—not me—that I had been right. That she could heal now without

taking strength from a crowd. In fact, she said she wasn't sure she still could draw

strength from crowds. She said the pattern had changed her, limited her somehow. Now

she seemed to be using her patients' own strength to heal them—which sounded as

though it would be dangerous if her patient was in bad shape to start with. Jesse had

merely eaten a couple of steaks when she let him wake up. Steaks, a lot of fries, salad,

and about a quart of milk. But Jesse was such a big guy that I suspected that was the way

he usually ate. I found out later that I was right. So, evidently, the healing hadn't

weakened him that much.

I kept to myself during those first days. I watched everybody—read everybody, that

is. I found that Rachel had spread the word about my abilities and everybody figured I

was watching them. They didn't like it. They thought a lot of shit at me when I was in a

room with them. But I almost never read them steadily when I was with them, talking to

them. I had to keep my attention on what they were saying. So it took me a while to

realize that I was being cursed out on two levels.

I was settling in, though. I was learning not to be afraid of any of them. Not even

Karl. They were all older than I was and they were all physically bigger. For a while, I

had to keep telling myself I couldn't afford to let that matter. If I went on letting them

scare me, I'd never be able to handle them. After a while, I started to convince myself.

Maybe I was influenced by the kind of thoughts I picked up from them when they were

off guard. Sometimes, even while they were complaining or arguing or cursing at me,

they were aware of being very comfortable within the pattern. Jesse wasn't getting any of

the mental static that had used to prevent him from driving a car, and Jan didn't have to

always be careful what she touched—bothered by the latent mental images she had used

to absorb from everything. And, of course, Rachel didn't need her crowds. And Clay

Dana didn't need as much help from Seth as he had before he came to us. Clay seemed to

be getting some benefit from the pattern even though he wasn't a member of it. And that

left Seth with more time for Ada.

Everybody was settling in. But the others didn't like it. It scared them that they were

not only getting used to their leashes but starting to see benefits in them. It scared hell out

of them that maybe they were giving in the way ordinary people gave in to them. That

they were getting to be happy slaves like Karl's servants. Their fear made them fight

harder than ever against me. I could understand their feelings, but that wasn't enough. I

had to do something about them. I was fed up with hearing about them. I thought for a

while, then went to talk to Doro.

I had come to depend on Doro more now than I ever had before. He was the only

person in the house that I could talk to without getting blamed, cursed, or threatened. I

had all but moved into his room. So, one night, about two weeks after my transition, I

walked into his room, fell across his bed, and said, "Well, I guess this has gone on long

enough."

"What?" he asked. He was at his desk scribbling something that looked like ancient

Egyptian hieroglyphics in a notebook.

"Everybody sitting around waiting for something that isn't going to happen," I said.

"Waiting for the pattern to just disappear."

"What are you going to do?"

"Get them all together and make them face a few facts. And then, after they stop

screaming, get them thinking about what they can do with themselves in spite of the

pattern." I sat up and looked at him. "Hell, they're all telepaths. They don't have to be able

to go miles from home to get work done. And God knows they need something to do!"

"Work?"

"Right. Jobs, interests, goals." I had been thinking about it for days now. "They can

make their own jobs. It will give them less time to bitch at me. Rachel can have a church

if she wants one. The others can look around, find out what they want."

"If they're reasonable. They might not be, you know."

"Yeah."

"They might not stop screaming, as you put it, until they've tried to lynch you."

"Yeah," I repeated. I took a deep breath. "Want to sit in and see the blood?"

He smiled. "There might not be any blood if I'm there."

"Then, by all means, sit in."

"Oh, I will. But it will only be to let them know I'm acknowledging your authority

over them. I'm going to turn them loose, Mary."

I swallowed. "Already, huh?"

"They're yours. It's time you jumped in among them."

"I guess so." I really wasn't surprised. I had seen him working up to this. He couldn't

read my mind, but he watched me as closely as I watched everybody else. He questioned

me. I didn't mind. He let the others complain to him about me, but he didn't question

them about me or make them promises. That, I appreciated. So now it was time for me to

be kicked out of the nest.

"You'll be leaving if this works, won't you?" I asked.

"For a while. I'll be back. I have a suggestion that might help you both before and

after I leave, though."

"What?"

"Let Karl in on what you're going to do before you do it. Let him get over some of his

anger with you and see the sense in what you're saying. Then, if I understand him as well

as I think I do, he'll stand with you if any of the others threaten you."

"Isn't that just trading one protector for another? I'm supposed to be able to protect

myself."

"Oh, you can. But, chances are, you'll have to do it by killing someone. I was trying

to help you avoid that."

I nodded. I knew he was still worried that my killing might be a chain-reaction thing.

That if I took one of the actives, then, sooner or later, I'd have to take another. And

another. I had a feeling that, when he left, he wouldn't go any farther than Emma's house.

And from there, he'd keep whatever special senses he had trained on me.