Military Daddy (14 page)

 

Two days after the wedding, Annie lay on the hard exam table at the clinic with only her bulging tummy exposed for her first sonogram. She was more excited than worried. After all, the baby was moving all the time now and Dr. Merrick had assured Annie that this was merely a precaution. The speckled ceiling tiles overhead were decorated with several colorful posters of babies sleeping in giant flowers. They were cute, but Annie was much more interested in the small black-and-white image wavering on the sonogram screen.

Shane, looking nervous, sat by Annie's side and held her hand.

The sonogram technician, dressed in pink scrubs with blue baby footprints scattered across her top, chatted constantly as she readied her equipment. “My name is Becky and I'm going to be doing your sono. Is this your first child?”

“Yes,” Shane answered before Annie could, then sent her a sheepish grin. It was clear he was excited about the prospect of seeing his son or daughter on the machine's small screen.

“It's my first pregnancy, too,” Annie replied, giving his hand a squeeze.

“All right, I'm going to put some gel on your stomach and it's going to be cold,” Becky warned.

Cold and icky, Annie would have said. Static crackled as the wand made contact with Annie's skin.

“How far along are you?” Becky asked, typing on the keyboard of the machine.

“I'll be exactly twenty-one weeks tomorrow.”

Becky arched an eyebrow as she looked at Annie. “You sound positive about that.”

“We are,” Annie and Shane said simultaneously, then grinned at each other.

“What are we looking at?” Shane asked.

“The lunar landing?” Annie suggested, turning her head slightly. She certainly couldn't make a baby out of the streaky image. Suddenly a rapid, faint knocking sound came out of the speakers.

“Is that her heartbeat?” The awe in Shane's tone made Annie's heart turn over. His grip on her hand tightened.

“Yes, it is,” Becky said.

“Why is it so fast?” he asked.

“Babies normally have a heart rate of one-twenty to one-sixty beats a minute. Girls run slightly higher than boys. Your little one has a pulse of about one-eighty. That's a little fast, but maybe he or she is just excited to be on TV.”

Annie lifted her head to see the screen better. “Does that mean it's a girl?”

“We'll get to that question in a few minutes if you want to find out, but first I have a few measurements to check. Ah, I see a foot.” Becky pointed to the center of the screen, where the wavering gray image took shape.

“I see it.” Shane moved closer, his voice brimming with pride and exhilaration.

Her baby's foot. Annie couldn't find the words to describe the feeling coursing through her. A second later it hit her. This was love—overwhelming in its intensity—and it took her breath away. She met Shane's gaze and saw the same raw emotion on his face.

Their child—conceived with utter carelessness—brought a joy more powerful than anything Annie had known in her life.

As Becky moved the wand over Annie's stomach, she kept up a running conversation about what she was doing and pointed out various parts of the baby's anatomy. Annie listened with only half an ear. The rest of her was tuned in to the sound of her baby's heartbeat.

Closing her eyes, she thanked God for the blessing He had given her. It was one she didn't deserve. It took several long minutes before Annie noticed that Becky had fallen silent.

Glancing at the young woman's face, Annie felt her heart freeze, then begin to pound with painful intensity. “What's wrong?”

Pressing the wand more firmly into Annie's stomach, Becky avoided looking at her. “I just need to get a few more pictures of something here.”

“Everything is okay, isn't it?” Shane asked.

Becky chewed her lower lip, then said, “I'm having a little trouble getting the measurements I need. I'm going to have Dr. Merrick give it a try. He's better at this than I am.”

Annie didn't believe her. Looking at Shane, she saw he didn't, either. And she saw something else. She saw fear in his eyes. Her heart sank as panic welled up like bile in her throat and threatened to choke her.

“I
t's going to be okay,” Shane said quietly.

Sitting in a chair beside him in Dr. Merrick's office, Annie desperately wanted to believe Shane, but she couldn't. Trying to think about anything but what could be wrong, she glanced around the room. The small office contained only a desk with a computer and two gray filing cabinets sitting side by side against the wall. Over them hung several framed documents detailing Dr. Merrick's credentials. On the other wall hung several photographs of a little boy and a little girl.

Annie rubbed her hands up and down her arms. “What's taking him so long?”

“I wish I knew.” Shane's knuckles stood out white as he gripped the arms of the chair. Annie's hands were ice-cold. She struggled to keep her composure. This couldn't be happening. Her baby was going to be fine.

God, why are You doing this to me? I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong, You know that. Please let my baby be okay.

The office door opened and Dr. Merrick came in at last. “I'm sorry to keep you waiting, but I wanted to get a second opinion on what your sonogram was showing us and do a little research.”

He sat down at his desk and faced them. “I've sent a digital copy of your sonogram to a colleague at Children's Mercy in Kansas City, and unfortunately he concurs with my diagnosis.”

“What's wrong?” Annie asked the question, but she knew in her heart she didn't want to hear the answer.

Dr. Merrick folded his hands together. “There isn't an easy way to say this. Your child has a rare condition called congenital cystic adenomatoid malformation. We call it C-CAM for short. It is a birth defect that occurs when one or more lobes of the lungs develop into fluid-filled cysts instead of normal tissue. The result is that your baby has a large tumor inside her chest, and it's growing.”

“It's a girl?” The thrill of knowing she carried a daughter couldn't offset the dread filling her mind.

“This tumor is treatable, isn't it?” Shane asked.

Hearing the desperation in his voice, Annie bowed her head and fought to keep from screaming. This couldn't be happening. She wanted to wake up from this horrible night mare.

Please, God, let me wake up!

“Treatment depends on the size of the tumor. Many small ones don't require intervention, but in this case we can already see that the baby's heart is being compressed to the point that it isn't pumping blood adequately. With a tumor this size, the child can't survive.”

“No!”
The cry tore out of Annie throat. “Don't say that! There's some mistake!”

Shane reached over to take her hand, but she jerked away from him.

The doctor said, “I wish that were true. I'm very sorry. This isn't an inherited condition. You don't need to worry about it reoccurring with your next pregnancy.”

“But I want
this
baby,” Annie whispered. “Can't you help us?”

The man's silence spoke louder than any words. Annie's throat closed up, and tears poured unchecked down her face as the terrible truth sank in.

 

Shane's heart ached for Annie's pain. She seemed to shrink into a ball of agony before his eyes. He wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know how. The knowledge that their daughter was going to die numbed his mind.

None of his military training had taught him how to deal with such grief. He looked back at the doctor. “Is there any chance at all that the baby can survive?”

“I don't want to give you false hope. In a very few cases the cysts stop growing and the baby can survive until it is mature enough to be born and undergo surgery to remove the tumor. It isn't likely in this case because we can already see signs of heart failure in the fetus.”

“But there is a chance?” Shane snatched onto that thread of hope with grim determination.

“I'll recheck a sonogram in a few days. That will tell us for sure if the tumor is still growing. The only other option would be fetal surgery. You'd have to go to a specialized center for that. I think the closest one would be Houston, but the baby may already be too sick.”

Shane glanced at Annie. She sat silent in her chair, her head bowed in defeat. “This fetal surgery—it's been done in cases like this?”

“A very few, and not all have been successful.”

“And we can have it done in Houston?”

“Among other places. But, Mr. Ross, there are other things to consider. Fetal surgery is risky for the mother. Many times the babies die anyway. Even if it is successful, Annie would need to stay in the hospital for weeks to be monitored for premature labor. She has no insurance, she has a minimum-wage job. You yourself are being deployed overseas in a few weeks and won't be there to support her.”

“You don't know how strong Annie is,” Shane said.

“I'm afraid I can't recommend fetal surgery as a course of treatment. I see from your records that this wasn't a planned pregnancy and that you two aren't married. An unwanted pregnancy places a terrible strain on a couple at the best of times. I see men and women trying to cope and failing all the time. They suffer and their children suffer. Doing nothing and letting nature take its course may be the best thing for both of you.”

Annie's voice quivered as she asked, “Did I cause this? We were drinking the night I conceived. Is that the reason this happened?”

Shaking his head, Dr. Merrick said, “We don't know why these things happen. I'm sorry, Annie. This may sound cruel, but given your history of alcoholism, this may be a blessing in disguise. In time, you can continue to make a better life for yourself without the added burden of an unplanned pregnancy.”

On a practical level what the physician said made sense, but Shane's heart wouldn't allow him to stand by and lose the very reason his life had taken on a new meaning. Annie and the baby were everything to him. God had given him a gift unlike anything he had ever expected or deserved. He couldn't—wouldn't—give up without a fight.

“We want you to find a specialist in Houston to see us,” he insisted.

“Don't you think Annie is the one who should make that decision?”

Annie smoothed her hands over her stomach. “How will it happen? I mean, what can I expect? How will I know when the baby is…”

Dr. Merrick sat back in his chair. “Sometime soon, the baby will stop moving. Once that happens, labor should begin in a few days. If it doesn't, we can induce labor with drugs and deliver the fetus that way.”

Annie sprang to her feet. “I can't…I'm sorry.” With one hand pressed to her lips, she hurried out of the room.

Rising, Shane started to follow her, but Dr. Merrick stopped him by saying, “Give her a little time alone. I know this has been a shock to both of you.”

Shock didn't begin to cover the emotions he was going through. It had to be so much worse for Annie. If he hadn't been so self-centered and thoughtless the night he met her, none of this would be happening. There had to be a way to save his child. “I want you to find a doctor in Houston that we can see.”

“Very well, I'll see about a referral, but I think you're only looking at more heartache if you get your hopes up.”

“Maybe, but I need to know I've done everything I can.”

“Leave your phone number with my receptionist and I'll give you a call as soon as I hear something.”

“Thank you.”

After leaving the small office, Shane gave his number to the woman at the desk and went looking for Annie. He found her leaning against the hood of his car, looking lost and forlorn as she wiped away her tears with the back of her hand.

He enveloped her in a hug, holding her close and trying to offer some comfort. She stiffened in his embrace and turned her face away. “Take me home, please.”

Shane pulled back but kept his hands on her shoulders. Lowering his face to try and meet her eyes, he said, “Dr. Merrick is going to find a surgeon in Houston for us.”

She wouldn't look at him. “Just take me home.”

“Annie, please. Don't give up.”

“God is punishing us. We sinned and He is taking my baby away because of it.”

“You don't believe that.”

She looked at him then. Her eyes were dull and devoid of hope. “Yes, I do. I've led a terrible life. I should never have expected to get off scot-free. I'm sorry now that I told you about the baby. I should have kept my mouth shut. If I had, you wouldn't be suffering, too. I can't get it right. No matter how hard I try, I can't make good decisions.”

“Don't blame yourself for this.”

“Take me home.” Her words were barely audible.

“I'm angry at God, too. You don't deserve this. Our baby doesn't deserve this, but I don't believe God would punish an innocent child for our indiscretions.”

“Why couldn't God take me instead?” Her voice was little more than a whisper. “Why? Why let me love this baby and then steal it back? Our baby is going to die, Shane. Nothing else matters. Nothing.”

He could feel Annie retreating further and further away from him, and he didn't know how to counter it. Sick with grief and rising fear, he shook her shoulders. “Listen to me, Annie. We're not going to give up without a fight.”

“I can't fight. Not anymore. Not this, too. Let go of me. I'll walk home.”

She tried to pull away from him, but he held on. “No, I'll drive you.”

Perhaps talking to Marge would help Annie regain her perspective. He opened the car door. Annie hesitated but then got in. Moving around to the driver's side, Shane got in, as well. Starting the Mustang, he managed to make the drive to Annie's home, although when he pulled up at the curb he wasn't certain exactly how he had gotten there.

After pulling his key from the ignition, he paused with his hands on the wheel. Annie started to get out, but he stopped her by taking hold of her arm. “I know you're hurting, Annie. I'm hurting, too, so don't shut me out. I love you. We'll get through this together.”

 

Annie recognized the numbness enclosing her. In some tiny corner of her mind she knew that when it wore off, the pain would be unbearable. There was only one way to keep the pain at bay. She had lived in an emotionless fog for years. Drinking would keep her numb.

Who would blame her? God had betrayed her. What could He do that was worse than what He had already done?

He could take Shane away, too.

All her hopes and daydreams of a life with Shane turned to ashes on her tongue. The baby would die soon. Just thinking the words shredded her soul.

Shane would leave for Germany in a few weeks. Without the baby to hold him, there would be no reason for him to come back. She'd be alone again with no one to care if she lived or died. No one to love and be loved by.

It's not fair!

She wanted to scream it to the heavens. It was bad enough that God was making her wait and watch as her child perished. She couldn't stand the thought of waiting and watching Shane's love wither, too. A clean break would be less painful for both of them.

“We aren't together, Shane. You wanted to be included in your baby's life. Now there isn't going to be a baby, so you can stop pretending I matter.”

He reached out and turned her face toward his. “Of course you matter to me. I haven't been pretending. I love you, Annie.”

“Then I guess I've been the one pretending.” Her voice broke, but she didn't care as she pulled out of his grasp.

“Don't do this,” he begged. “Don't push me away.”

“I'll let you know…when…when it's over. Until then, please leave me alone.” Pushing open the door, she got out and hurried into the house as a new round of tears began to fall.