Military Daddy (10 page)

“Why? Because I didn't think I needed help. I knew that my drinking had messed up my life, but I hadn't yet admitted that I couldn't control it. Admitting that we are helpless against alcohol is painful, but it is the only way we can gain control over the disease that is destroying us and those we love.”

As she spoke about her addiction and the suffering she had endured because of it, Shane found his respect for her growing by leaps and bounds. While he freely admitted that he found her attractive on a physical level, he faced the fact that he hadn't begun to see the true depth and inner beauty of this remarkable woman.

At her direction, members of the assembly stood and introduced themselves and began to talk about their personal journeys. The grandmother's name was Barbara and she had been drinking since she was twenty. She talked about how her husband left her and took their children and how she hadn't spoken to any of them in over ten years.

The woman with maroon streaks said her name was Nadia. She started drinking at the age of eleven. The day she turned twenty-six, she plowed her car into an empty school bus. The thought that it could have been full of children finally made her seek help.

The man in the suit hadn't been so fortunate. His name was Bill and his wife and daughter died in an accident that happened when he was driving drunk. Even then, he admitted, it took him another fifteen years to hit bottom and seek help.

Not everyone spoke. A few people passed without sharing. Two young men came in late. One of them waited only five minutes before hurrying out the door again.

As Shane listened to the stories and struggles of those around him, one clear thing took shape: all of these people had turned to God when everything else in life had failed them. Like Annie, they gave God credit for their healing and their strength. This was God presented not as some being above the clouds but as a vital presence. In his heart he knew he had been missing out on something important and he decided he wanted to know more.

When the time was up, Pastor Hill stood and faced the group. “Before we close, I'd like us to bow our heads and ask the Lord guidance for all of us here this evening.”

Shane bowed his head with the others as Pastor Hill began to pray. “God, I offer my heart and my soul to You. I am but clay, waiting for the master's hand to mold me into a vessel of Your purpose. Help me to do Your will. Only through You can I achieve victory over my addiction. Let me bear witness to Your loving power. If I stumble, do not forsake me. Guide me to help others in need the way I have been helped. May I do Your will always. Amen.”

Deeply moved by the words, Shane knew that he had to learn more about the faith shared by these people.

 

Annie helped herself to a glass of punch at the refreshment table and chided herself for being a coward. Shane had spent a long time talking to Pastor Hill at the back of the room, but he and Olivia were back in their seats with cups in one hand and cookies in the other. By visiting with several of her friends, Annie had managed to avoid making eye contact with him until now.

What had he thought of her story? Was he disappointed that she had wasted the education her parents had worked so hard to provide and drunk her way through college instead? Had he been repulsed by the knowledge that she had lived with several different men? Would he think she was an unfit mother now that he knew she had taken an overdose of painkillers and tried to end her life before she found God?

She drew a deep breath.
Wallowing in guilt and self-blame doesn't help. I have learned to live in the solution and not dwell in the problem.

Gathering her courage, she crossed the room and sat down by Olivia. “Well, what did you think?”

Olivia looked up, her eyes as wide a saucers. “Did you hear that woman say she started drinking when she was eleven? I couldn't believe it.”

“That's part of the reason your mother wanted you to come tonight. She wanted you to understand how dangerous a drug alcohol can be.”

“I almost cried when Bill talked about drinking to make it through his daughter's funeral.” Olivia looked around and lowered her voice. “And Pastor Hill—why would a minister need to drink?”

“Pastors are human, too. They have the same problems and burdens as—perhaps even more than—the rest of us. Alcohol seems to make those problems go away, but in reality it doesn't help. It only hurts. Part of our dependence is psychological, but a large part of it is physical. Our bodies process it differently. We truly can't stop after one drink.”

“But you stopped,” Shane chimed in at last.

“Yes, I did.”

Tilting his head to the side, he studied her for a long moment, then asked, “Is there a risk that your son or daughter will have the same disease?”

A
nnie tried to read Shane's face. “Are you asking if our baby will inherit my alcoholism?”

“That's a possibility, isn't it?”

“It is, but it's not the only possibility. Not every child of an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic.”

“How do you plan to deal with that risk?”

At his question, her heart sank. He wasn't asking how they could face such difficulty together, he'd asked how
she
planned to deal with it. In one sentence the child had become
hers
again. The pain of his withdrawal cut surprisingly deep, although she had known all along that something like this would happen. She wasn't perfect, so her baby might not be perfect.

If only he hadn't made her dream of more. Without even realizing it, she had begun to lean on him. Now she stumbled to regain her emotional balance. Biting her bottom lip until she could speak without crying, she laced her fingers together over the roundness of her belly.

“Annie, are you okay?” Olivia asked.

Swallowing hard, Annie nodded. “I'm fine.” She would be. With God's help, she would be.

She raised her eyes and met Shane's without flinching. “I'll face that risk by being honest. By raising my child inside a firm foundation of faith. And by making sure that the lines of communication always stay open.”

He nodded, but she had to wonder if he even understood. He wasn't a man of faith.

Olivia spoke up again. “If you don't mind, I'm going to grab a couple of cookies before we head home.”

Annie smiled at her. “Grab one for me, too.”

The door to the meeting room opened. Annie looked over and saw Crystal step inside. One look at her friend's apprehensive face told Annie that something was wrong. She shot out of her chair and hurried to her. “Crystal, we were so worried about you. Is everything okay?”

Shoving her hands in the pockets of her cutoff jeans, Crystal avoided making eye contact. “I'm fine.”

Concern for the younger woman prompted Annie to place a comforting arm around her shoulders. “What is it? What's wrong?”

“You're going to be so mad at me.”

Puzzled, Annie tipped her head to the side. “Why would I be mad at you? Because you missed the meeting?”

“No.”

“What then?”

“I kind of…loaned your car to Willie.”

“You did what?” She stared at Crystal in astonishment.

“Willie needed a car to get to this job interview to morrow,” she said in a rush.

“You loaned my car to someone without asking me? Crystal, what were you thinking?”

“It's our day off. We don't have to go to work, so I didn't see the harm in letting him take the car for a day. You aren't mad at me, are you?”

“Yes, I am. You should have checked with me first. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. You knew that.”

“Oh, man, I forgot about your appointment. I'm sorry, Annie. You and Marge are always talking about helping others in need. Willie needed my help. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do.”

Sighing in defeat, Annie said, “I know you meant well, but you're going to have to call Willie and tell him you're sorry but I need my car tomorrow.”

“That's kind of the thing—I can't. His job interview is out of town. He left right after he dropped me off here.”

“Left for where?” Annie couldn't believe what she was hearing.

Crystal cringed as she said, “Kansas City.”

“Kansas City!” The thought that she might never see her car again made Annie's knees weak. The old Ford wasn't much, but it was her most valuable possession.

Please, Lord, don't load anything else on my shoulders. I can't take it.
She sank onto the closest chair.

Shane came across the room to stand beside her. “Is everything all right?”

She pressed a hand to her forehead. “No, it's not. But I can handle it.”

Crystal brightened. “Hey, maybe Shane could take you to the doctor tomorrow.”

“Did your poor excuse for a car give up the ghost?” he asked with a grin.

Scowling at Crystal, Annie spoke sharply. “Not exactly, but it seems that it is temporarily unavailable. Shane has his duties on base, Crystal. It was nice of him to bring us here tonight because you didn't get home on time and didn't bother to call, but I'm not asking him to do more.”

“Yeah, I'm sorry about that. The time just sort of got away from me. Maybe Marge can take you—or one of the gals from work. Gina might do it. She's off tomorrow, too.”

“Do you know Gina's phone number?”

“Well, no.”

“Neither do I. And Marge has to work.” Annie tried to calculate the cost of taking a cab out to the free clinic but realized she didn't have a clue how much it would cost.

Crystal asked, “Can't you reschedule?”

“It takes weeks to get an appointment.” She hated to do it, but what choice did she have?

“I guess that leaves me,” Shane interjected, sounding excessively happy.

“I'll manage something. Can we go home now?”

Looking disappointed, he nodded. “Sure.”

She rose to say goodbye to Pastor Hill. A few minutes later she joined Shane outside. He stood waiting to open the car door for her. Crystal and Olivia were already in the backseat.

Stopping beside him, Annie tried to ignore the way her nerve endings came to life when he was near.

“Annie, I'm coming over to finish the roof tomorrow anyway. I might as well give you a ride to your appointment.” The husky tone of his voice sent her pulse racing.

Frowning, Annie couldn't help wondering why he was being so insistent. Had she jumped to the wrong conclusion earlier? Giving him the benefit of the doubt was hard. “Why are you going out of your way to help me?”

His eyebrows shot up. “Prenatal care is important. For your health, as well as for our baby. Why wouldn't I want to help?” Folding his arms over his chest, he said, “I don't get it. You accept help and support from people like Pastor Hill and from Marge, yet you act like my help is a bomb that will blow up in your face. Why is that?”

“Because that's the way my relationships with men have all ended in the past. They disintegrated when I needed them the most.”

He leaned toward her so abruptly that Annie took a step back, but all he did was pull open the door. “I'm not one of those men, Annie. I'm not going anywhere.”

Gazing into his eyes, she finally understood that what he said was true. He wasn't going to abandon her. She had been unfair to him from the start. She slid into the front seat of the car as the defensive wall she had built around her emotions crumbled, leaving her feeling weak and uncertain. He closed the door before she could think of what to say to him.

 

On the drive back to Marge's house Shane worked to rein in his anger. Teaching one of the unit's horses to fly would be easier than getting Annie to trust him. He had tried taking small steps to build a rapport with her, but each time he thought he was making progress, she retreated back into her shell like a startled turtle.

In spite of his words to the contrary, he had to wonder if he possessed the fortitude to stick with it. She didn't want him involved with their baby. Having parents at odds with each other had to be hard on a child. Would he only make life harder for his son or daughter by insisting Annie in clude him?

Crystal and Olivia were unusually quiet. Annie sat beside him staring straight ahead. He would have given a month's pay to know what she was thinking. Pulling up at a red light, he took the opportunity to glance over at her. She met his eyes and gave him a shy smile. Softly she said, “You're right and I'm sorry.”

His annoyance dissipated, to be quickly replaced by remorse. “No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I need to stop forcing you into situations that make you uncomfortable.”

“True, but you do have a way of getting a girl's attention.”

“Is that good or bad?”

“Good, I think.”

From the backseat Crystal said, “If the light gets any greener, you'll have to mow it.”

Sending Annie a sheepish look, he shifted into gear and stepped on the gas. It took only a few more minutes to reach the house. As Olivia and Crystal went in, Annie hung back. When the others were out of earshot, she said, “Can I talk to you for a few minutes?”

Suddenly nervous, he shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “Sure.”

“Shane, if you truly want to be involved with this baby, I'm not going to object any longer.”

“Really? Thank you, Annie.”

Nodding, she folded her arms across her middle. “I understand that you'll be overseas when I'm due to deliver, but I'll make sure that your name goes on the birth certificate.”

“I'll put in for leave. There's a chance that they may let me come back then.”

“That would be nice. I guess we can work out more of the details after he or she arrives.”

“Details?”

“Visitation, holidays, summers when he's old enough. Details like that.”

“Right.” Hearing it put into words made it all sound so cold. Yet it was exactly what he had been fighting for. Now that he had it, where was the satisfaction?

“You don't sound happy.”

“Of course I'm happy. I'm grateful, too. We'll make it work, I promise. This baby is going to know that he has two parents who love him.”

“Or her.”

“Or her,” he agreed with a smile.

“So I'll see you tomorrow?”

“Bright and early. I want to get the roof done before I have to leave for our ride in Maddox the day after tomorrow.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“Four days this time, but we've got a lot of appearances booked for the summer. It's our heavy travel season.”

“Don't show up too early tomorrow. It's my day off and I intend to sleep in.”

“How does ten sound?”

“About right.”

“What time is your appointment?”

“Two o'clock at the free clinic over on Maple.”

“I'll get you there. If what's-his-face doesn't get your car back to you tomorrow night, I'll leave you mine.”

“No, I can't—”

He silenced her by placing a finger on her lips. “I'm not good at taking no for an answer. You need to get back and forth to work, and I'll be on horseback for three days. You might as well use my car.”

She pulled his finger aside. “I started to say that I can't drive a stick shift.”

“Oh. Well, we aren't taking the mules and the wagon with us. Maybe I could talk the captain into letting you use them.”

“Ha-ha! Your offer is deeply appreciated, but I'm sure I'll have my car back.”

“And if you don't, I'm leaving mine with you. You need transportation. I'll teach you how to drive a stick.”

“I think I'd rather send Olivia to collect the mules.”

“That works, too.”

“Thanks for everything, Shane. I mean that.”

“It was my pleasure, and I mean that. The meeting tonight opened my eyes to a lot of things. I admire you—and all the people there—for your bravery and your faith. The courage you displayed talking about your addiction showed uncommon valor.”

He cupped her cheek with his hand. “You are something special, Annie Delmar, and I mean that, too.”

Leaning in slowly, he waited for her to draw away or turn aside. When she didn't, he gently kissed her.