Midsummer's Eve (22 page)

“Diet Pepsi and a Snicker bar,” I said.

“Mountain Dew and a Zero bar,”
Mallory
added.

“For cryin
g out loud, this isn’t a
frigging
restaurant where you all place separate orders from the menu. Just come in and pick out what you want.” As she slammed the door and was walking off in a huff, she called over her shoulder, “I should have known you cretins wouldn’t have the decency to all ask for the same thing.”

By the time we reached the beach even Teri was singing along to
Rumor Has It
.

We checked into the Patricia Grand Hotel choosing a suite with an ocean view. I leaned over the balcony rail, filling my lungs with salty sea air and knew this, at long last, was where I would begin the healing process. Water, sand, the sea, and plenty of nightlife surrounded me.
Adam
who?

“Stop ogling all
the studs from afar and get your suits on so we can gaze upon their lean, mean, hard bodies up close and personal,” Teri called from the bathroom.

I turned just in time to see her stuffing, and by stuffing I mean the same way you would a turkey, her jugs into what looked to be a bathing suit top that a woman with 32B breasts would fit comfortably in. Surely she wouldn’t go out in public wearing that. . . that. . . thing. Even the most casual observer would have to notice that the top was several cup sizes too small for her. I’m sure there were indece
nt exposure laws here. Good grief
, would she be arrested? Would parents race to shield their innocent ch
ildren’s eyes when she waltzed
across the sand?

Now I knew why Teri always slowly glided when she moved. I had always assumed it was just for effect, so no one would miss her abundance of beauty. Now I realized that wasn’t the case at all. She had to move slowly. If she ever moved too fast and those things got to swinging, especially unfettered as they were now, there would be hell to pay for all concerned.

Searching for any good in the situation I was happy to notice that at least her nipples were fully covered. I was extremely grateful for that small concession on her part. I glanced over at
Mallory
and
Tammy
and they were watching the X-rated fashion extravaganza with eyes bugged out and jaws dropped as well.

“What?” Teri asked and laughed uproariously. “For the love of God, you all act like you haven’t ever seen a set of tits before!”

“We haven’t. Not lik
e those anyway,” I cried
. “I think you have scarred us for life.”

“Well, get used to them. Because I didn’t come to the beach to cover these bad girls up.”

And she didn’t cover them. Not once while we were there.

Tammy
,
Mallory
and I put on our suits and followed her to the beach. We wouldn’t have gotten any more attention if Angelina had been hotfooting it across the sand with Brad and Shiloh in tow. Every eye was on Teri who looked spectacular in her bikini, even though the entire suit could have fit into a thimble. I was in a constant state of unrest wondering when one of her boobs was going to spill out of her top resulting
in chaos on the Grand Strand.
Mallory
looked just as curvaceous with her ghetto booty spilling out of her bottom.
Tammy
and I had sensibly chosen tankinis. I had given up showing my stomach years ago.

The
trio
took their chairs and laid them directly under the scorching sun, while I
wisely
placed mine under the shade of a wide rented umbrella. I fought dreaded wrinkles on a daily basis and wasn't about to lie in the sun and invite them to march in formation across my face. Not as long as N
eutrogena continued to make their
wonderful tanning mouse anyway. I took a deep breath of salty air and let it out slowly. This felt so good!

         
“Would you look at that?”
Mallory
almost purred as an extremely well built black man jogged down the beach with another fellow whose very next
call should be to Jenny Craig. “Look at those dreads.”

“Yes, dreadful aren’t they?”
Teri shuddered.

“Hell, no!”
Mallory
laughed, rising to jog toward them and immediately strike up an animated conversation with the contrasting duo. The girl certainly didn’t lack for confidence. With an ass like that, who would? She waved to us, and left walking between them.       

We watched her laughing and flirting outrageously with the men until they were out of sight.

“I
gueth
we won’t
be
theing
her again until check out time
Thunday,
”
Tammy said wit
h a slight tinge of jealously. “
Lucky her, I don’
t
the
a
thingle
Mexican.”

“Just keep watching,” Teri said. “
There isn’t a town in North Carolina that hasn’t been overrun by Mexicans. Not that that’s a bad thing,” she held up her hand suddenly remembering who she was talking to. “I’m just saying that a gaggle of them will surely happen along soon.”

Then Teri turned her evil eye to me. “What about you, Eve
? Any prospects?”

“Not that I can see. Just a bunch of family men,” I said to pacify her for the moment.

“
I am so glad that I’m
happily married and don’
t have
to do the whole man hunt thing.”
Teri claimed, all the while peering over her Oakley’s at a handsome man splashin
g in the nearby surf. Teri wasn’
t known for strictly adhering to her wedding vows.

“Now that is a physique!”

“
Too bad you are
tho
happily married,” Tammy reminded her
, while looking forlornly up the beach
for anyone with a hint of Latino blood
.

“Tell me about it,” Teri groaned while slathering her voluptuous body
with oil. “
But always remember, Tammy. What happens in Myrtle Beach stays in Myrtle Beach.
Anyway, it’
s 2:00 now. We can lie in the sun for two more hours and then we must go to the mall.”

“Whatever for?” I asked. It would require an act of Congress for me to leave this idyllic setting and enter a crowded mall.

“Why
,
to get an outfit for you to wear to the club tonight, of course.” She rolled her eyes as if it should be the foremost thoug
ht on all
our minds. “Eve, did you bri
ng a single ensemble that doesn’
t hang on you and resemble a muumuu?”

She had a good point. “Well no, but it
doesn’
t matter since I am not man hunting either.”

“Yes
you are! And trust me, you are going to look the part if it kills both of us! And then we are going back to the room to color your new growth.” She lowered her sunglasses and peered over the top of them with squinted eyes. “You have at least three inches of gray going on up there, Granny. How did you miss
that
when you passed a mirror?

“I didn’t miss it.” Stevie Wonder couldn’t mis
s it. “I just really could care less about my roots
.”

She removed her shades and pointedly glanced at my bikini area and said, “Thank God, you took my advice and bush hogged that briar patch before you left home.”

Tammy
found this extremely funny and almost fell out of her chair laughing. When she had calmed down enough to speak she said, “There
ith
a gift
thop
on the
firth
floor of the hotel. I
thaw thum
cute
thundrethth
in there earlier when I went to buy a
Pepthi
.”

“Did she say she saw some cute sundresses in a gift shop
when she went to buy a Pepsi
?” Teri asked, not bothering to conceal the fact that she was asking me to translate. At my no
d she enthusiastically said, “I’
ll be right back.” Then
she was gone, with her triple D
’
s bouncing.

“Why
doth the alwath
pretend like
the dothn’t underthand
me?”

“That’s just Teri. And it would take far greater mind
s than ours to decipher hers
.” I wasn’t about to tell her that even I frequently had to repeat her words over and over in my head to interpret their meaning.

Teri returned about an hour later. “I found the perfect dress and shoes for you, along with a few
things for me. You will
absolutely love them!” She paused to ogle a handsome father jumping in the surf with his daughter. “Come on, let’s go color your hair. It’s a good thing I brought supplies. I was afraid you would try to prance around Myrtle Beach looking like Betty White, and I was right.”

Thank God she had thought to bring hair color supplies, which I desperately needed! But, oh boy! Would I ever be a candidate for
What Not to Wear
with the clothes she had chosen for me? I had no doubt that the neck would be slit to my navel and the hem would fall slightly short of covering my butt cheeks. Oh well, at least my hair would be gorgeous.

We remained on the beach until 6:00, making frequent trips to the poolside bar for my all time favorite drink
,
Bloody Mary. By the time
Mallory
came sashaying back, looking flushed and satisfied, my head was spinning, I was sunburned, and my vision was slightly blurred.
Tammy
wasn’
t feeling any pains either, so Teri drove the Jeep to the Calabash restaurant for a fabulous seafood supper.

“So spill.” Teri said to
Mallory
once we had filled our plates with flounder, oysters and shrimp, deviled crab and lobster from the buffet and were seated in our booth.
“Did you do one or both
?”

“How can you ask me something like that?”
Mallory
actually had the grace to blush while cracking a lobster. She dipped the succulent meat in butter and moaned in pure bliss as it touched her lips.

“I’m guessing you had plenty of practice at perfecting that moan today. Just a
nswer the
question and don’
t even bother trying to play some coy debutant, because we both know
you will fail miserably.
Meryl St
r
eep would have to dig deep to pull off that performance,” Teri was anxious for the juicy details and totally ignored her lobster.

Mallory
threw back her head and laughed. “Both.” This she confessed with a satisfied smile. “How could I do one and not the other? You know his feelings would have been hurt.”

“Together or
theparately
?”
Tammy
inquired while sucking a raw oyster, which reminded me of nasal secretions, out of its shell with apparent relish.

“
Tammy
, I can’t believe
you ask
ed
me that!
”
Mallory
was deep in thought as she dug through her salad, always alert for an offending cucumber. “Do you honestly believe I would be a willing participant in a threesome?”

Teri almost choked on her
un
sweet
ened
tea. “
Three would just be an appetizer for you
, Mallory
. Just answer the damn question!”

“Fine then, if you all must live vicariously through me. We had a most entertaining threesome,” the nymp
het finally admitted
.

“You should have called me,” Teri deadpanned. “I could have shown you the true meani
ng of entertainment. Although I’
m sure the heavier of the two shed copious amounts of sweat and grunted like a farm animal during his
entire performance. That couldn’
t have been pleasant.”

“Did either of them have any outstanding features?” I asked, knowing that
Mallory
was diligently searching for a man wh
o did. For quite some time “humongous
” had been her word of the day.

“Heck no, just average. At least Tyrick, the cute one, was average.
I couldn’
t re
ally bring myself to look at the heavier one
, naked. But he felt about average.”

Tammy
and I were left speechless.

After the meal it was back to the room to shower for the club. Teri had chosen a pink
,
floral, cleavage revealing sundress and pink flip-flops, which looked surprisingly cute on my rail thin body. Unfortunately, the dress announced the fact that my chest was almost completely flat now.

“Honey, you either need to gain some weight or call Charlotte Plastic and schedule breast implants.” Teri was quick to point out. “Talk about fried eggs.”

“Screw you, Teri. And your milk jugs!” Though it was a thought that I had been seriously considering lately.