Midsummer's Eve (9 page)

Five

N
ow I shall
do my utmost to paint an accurate portrayal of
my three bff’s, a
trio of diversity
,
my girlfriends. One is an incessant whiner, one has a slight speech impediment, and o
ne is, for lack of a better description
, a royal bitch.

We take turns going to each other’s homes monthly for our Monday night gab fests, and tonight is my night to host. I
had
prepared a chicken potpie, tossed a garden salad and created a divine concoction of chocolate pudding with whipped cream, nuts and cherries.

Let’
s start with the incessant whiner,
Mallory
(who
m
you’ve already met)
. Picture Drew Barrymore with Fran Dresher’s grating snivel. She is short with more curves than Jessica Rabbit, minus the boobs, and I must confess the girl is your classic nympho. Honestly, she craves sex like I craved chocolate when I still had a period, which I haven’t had since cervi
cal cancer marched into my life
causing my doctor to insist on a complete hysterectomy at age 41.

Mallory
only dates black men. All her intimate friends have heard her say at least once that just the thought of a white man’s penis makes her sick to her stomach. “They are so. . .so. . . pink!”

She began dating black men as nothing more than a way to piss her extr
emely overbearing
mother off and in the
process got hooked for life. It’
s amazing what dramatic changes t
he love of a child can bring abo
ut.
Mallory
has a bi-r
acial daughter who is now
the very center of
her onc
e intolerant mother’
s universe.

Bless her heart.
Mallory
is also ten
der hearted to a fault. She can’
t tolerate even the sugges
tion of hurting anyone’
s feelings. I have stood by and watched her spend her last penny to buy a ha
ndmade birdhouse, when she didn’
t even have a tree to hang it in, because an e
lderly man was
selling them.

Therefore
,
most times when I am lamenting my pain and angst
,
she tells me what she believes I need to hear in order to feel be
tter about my life in general. “
It will be alright, Eve
. He’
ll call. Just give him time to th
ink about it. Even though I can’
t stand him,
Adam
loves you. I know he does. He is just…well…beyond
stupid.”

Tammy
has a slight speech impediment. Any word that has an s is pronounced with a th. Picture Rosie O'Donnell with a lisp. She is tall with a fuller figure
and has a fondn
ess for Latino-
flavored men
.
She works in the accounting department of a large factory.

Her advice depends largely on
what mood she’s in. If it’s
a rotten mood
,
she will be quick to inform me that I should find someone else. “
Adam
couldn’
t
pothibly
have loved you and cheated with Chia like he did.” If she is having a cheerful day
,
she will dial his number and motion for me to pick up the other receiver just so I can hear his sweet Yankee voice.

Now on to my favorite royal bitch
.
Teri. Picture Pamela Anderson with brown highlighted hair and much fuller lips. Okay. One statement pretty much sums her up. Until a couple of years ago
,
she was a man. Yep. A man.
However
,
only the keenest and most perceptive eye would ascertain that now. She is decidedly female now, and has one of those
bodies to die for. Large firm
implanted breasts with nipples in the epicenter.
I would kill to have my nipples back in their epicenter!
Curvaceous hips, a tiny lipo sculpted waist, cheek implants, chin implant, buttock implants, laser resurfaced skin and all over laser hair removal, tattooed eyebrows and everything waxed, manicured and pedicured.

She had the final appendage removal a few years ago and was at last able to find the peace as a woman she had craved her entire life. The word that comes to mind most when describing Teri would be diva. You would imagine her walking a runway in Paris rather than being the gated community housewife that she is.

Her adv
ice to me is always
brutally honest. She tells it just like she sees it. No sparing anyone’s feelings with that girl. Hell
,
no. Not a chance. She has chewed my butt out on more than one occasion until it was left raw and bleeding over who she refers to as
that
spineless piece of human offal
,
Adam
.

The night I had found out about
Adam
and Chia, after pain pills had finally eased the ferocious pain and nausea of a migraine, Teri had stayed on the phone with me the better part of the night talking me through the heartbreak of betrayal to prevent me from doing anything stupid. I received flowers and a fruit basket the following morning, because Teri has the biggest heart
of anyone I have ever known. We’
ve
been
best
frien
ds for 15 years since we…she was a he then…
met in Cosmetology School.

Teri is now a very much in demand hairdresser in Charlotte
,
doing things with a head of hair that most hairstylist
s
can only dream of. While I, on the other hand, knew after only two months of work
ing in a hair salon that I wasn’
t cut out for a career of catering to the
wants and demands of the
public
,
and moved on.

The old queen who had employed
me in his salon had an elderly clientele
and charged $8.00 a pop for a roller set and style. $8.00 mind you! And he took half of that for booth rent and supplies. This meant that if I listened to the demands of 10 finicky chattering little old ladies, arranged every last spit curl to their satisfaction, and applied an e
ntire can of Aqua Net
to each of their heads, at the end of the day I would walk away with the whopping sum of $40.00. Needless to say, after Uncle Sam took his cut, gas to and from work, and the occasional What-A-Burger, I was far removed from living in the lap of luxury.

While Teri moved to Charlotte and immediately got a job in one of the swankier salons, I enrolled at the community college for my Phlebotomy License. So I have my Cosmetology License and Phlebotomy License and end up scrubbing toilets for a living. Go figure!

So those are my three best friends. One only dates black men, one says there is nothing a man can do for her that her
silver bullet
can’t do, and one used to be a man.

“So, Eve, Eve, Eve…” Teri began.

Watch out!
Here it comes!

Stabbing a slice of onion and for once failing to complain about it being mixed in with her greens, she daintily laid it to
the side of her plate.
“
Please tell me that you are going to move on and not wait until Chia gets bored with that idiot you seem so fond of and h
e comes slithering back to you?”

Told you the girl was brutal. I chose to ignore the question
, since
she seemed to be baiting me.
Evidently, she had missed a few hormone injections.

Tammy
was busily trying to avoid any confrontation and picking what she referred to as chunks of red mush --tomatoes to you and me-- out of her salad. The group had a palate that was impossible to please and I had ceased trying years ago, leaving them to pick out the offending vegetables at will.

Teri couldn't tolerate onions, because they gave her heartburn and made her breath smell vile.
Tammy
cringed and swore that tomatoes gave her heart palpitations. And
Mallory
commenced to gag
ging
if you placed anything that resembled a cucumber in front of her. The salad contained a combination of all three. It was either that or put a head of lettuce on the table.

Finished with her salad,
Tammy
set the bowl aside, scooped out a healthy portion of potpie and asked the words she
had been dying to ask, “
You
thaw
Chia,
Mallory
. How
doth the
look?” At times it sounded like
Tammy
had lost her lisp and was speaking straight out of the Bible.

Mallory
stopped with her fork in mid air, positively loving the fact that she was privy to something the other two were still mercilessly in the dark about and bestowed upon me a most pitiful gaze. She shook her head and hesitated, unsuccessfully trying to convince us that for the first time in her life she had no comment, wh
en I knew her lips were positive
ly twitching to inform
Tammy
and Teri of Chia’
s exquisite beauty.

“
Don’
t
be silly.”
I insisted, even though my heart sank to the floor at the thought of
hearing
s
he looks like a frigging super
model
yet again. “Be honest.
” I couldn’t believe
I was
giving her permission to utter the awful truth.

“
She looks like a frigging super
model!” T
hen
Mallory
cocked an eye at
Tammy
and urged
her to please consider leaving some potpie for the rest of us.

“Bite me,” was
Tammy
's reply.

Teri seemed wholly confused by
Mallory
's description. “Now don
’
t take this the wrong way, Eve. But how in the hell did
Adam
get someone who even remotely resembles a super
model?”

“Same thing I asked.”
Mallory
burst out laughing,
then glanced at me.
“Sorry, Eve.”

“
I mean I know you loved him, but he
probably has any number of STD’
s with the amount of screwi
n
g around he does. By th
e way, did you ever get tested?”

“Not yet.”
I had
intended to though. I just hadn’
t gotten around to actually doing it.

“
Well, I am going to call in the morning a
nd make an appointment for you.”

“
I
’
ll call.
I'm due for a physical anyway.”

To be honest, now that I knew about
Adam
’
s rampant sexcap
ades, I had been lying awake
night
s
dreading what the doctor might tell me. I shuddered, remembering t
he nights of unprotected sex
.

Suddenly the mixture of cream of chicken soup, Vegall, and chunks of chicken topped with Bisquick, lost its earlier appeal. My appetite completely deserted me as visions of r
evenge danced through my head. “
I know this sounds extremely junior high, but I wish there was some way to get back at
Adam
. A way to make him hurt the way he hurt me. You know, just make him feel a little pain!”

“
T
hat shouldn’
t be too difficult.”
Teri grinned a devilish grin that we were all too well acquai
nted with. “
This potpie is delicious, by the way. It’s so nice to enjoy a…simple meal
for a change.” She cut
her eyes at
Mallory
, who had a proclivity to serve soul foo
d, such as hog jowls and chittlin
s, on her nights, albeit delicious soul food. “
I’
m sure if we put our heads together we could devise a plan to cause the imbecile some small portio
n of pain.”
It was obvious that the excitement of
getting even appealed to her. “
You could
always
hire a hit man.”