Messy Beautiful Love (14 page)
On days like that I have to remind myself that I’m in love with a soul who is clothed in human flesh with the weight of the world heavy upon his shoulders. What would I do without him? Without those shoulders to lean on? I can’t imagine it for a minute, but doing so reminds me of how marriage is a gift that’s nothing short of incredible. So precious, yet so often tossed to the side.
To think that I came so close to losing him. How did I ever get to the place where I took him for granted? How could I have possibly forgotten the joy we once shared and who he was to my heart? I held a gem of great worth in the palm of my hand, and I was willing to trade it for a counterfeit coin.
What does it take to wake us up and make us realize what we have? If only we could all see the beauty of love before it slips away from our grasp.
I cohosted an online marriage series called “Revive Your Marriage.” It was a month-long challenge that encouraged women in different areas of their marriages. In response to the series, one participant, Nicole, posted an article on her blog along with this question: “If one day he didn’t come
home, would I have to live with regrets of how or what I did (or didn’t do) for him?”
Just three months later she wrote, “I’m not even sure that I have the words to say this. . . . On Thursday, December 13th, I received a phone call that forever altered my life. I got a call from my husband’s business partner saying that a tree had fallen on him while he was working. I hurried down to the job only to find that he was already with Jesus.”
A sobering thought, isn’t it? I was devastated when I read that. It could have been me; it could have been you; it could have been any one of us.
Life is too short to take our loved ones for granted, and Nicole realized that
before
he was gone. I asked her if I could publish her article that she wrote just three months before her husband, Chad, went to be with the Lord.
What if You Didn’t Have “One More Time”?
This is a topic near and dear to my heart. I could have easily lost my hubby to a work accident a little over a year into our marriage. While that opened my eyes to how short life can be, I still fell back into a pattern of selfishness after he healed. We had some very hard years
following that time. It always fell back to finances, which were frequently non-existent. We were aware that our fights almost always fell back to a money issue, but I think I also liked to fight because I had this insatiable desire to be right (and be in control).
My need to be in control (of everything) was causing me to base my treatment of my hubby on works (what he did for me or how he treated me). I’m not even sure when it hit me, but one day I had a realization.
If one day he didn’t come home, would I have to live with regrets of how or what I did (or didn’t do) for him?
For example:
• Would getting up to pack his lunch be a big deal?
• Would I long to rub his back . . . just one more time? (He has back issues due to the accident, and I too often gripe about this never-ending task.)
• Would I find the energy to “have fun in the bedroom” . . . just one more time?
• Would I drop what I was doing to help him with whatever . . . just one more time?
I have to be careful because these thoughts can cause me to fall into a state of constant worry that something will, indeed, happen to him . . . but keeping this perspective
has taken so much of the laziness or irritation that sometimes pops up at bay.
I cringe when I hear women griping about having to do this or that for their hubby. I just think, “What if he wasn’t here. What would you give to be able to do that for him one more time?”
I used to get so mad when my hubby didn’t act how I wanted him to or do what I wanted him to, but when you are just thankful for one more day with him; it makes the little things seem so unimportant.
Yes, I still occasionally whine about rubbing his back. I still grumble to myself when I pick his dirty clothes up off the floor or put his dog collar chargers away (for the millionth time) . . . but in my mind I constantly hear “be thankful for this stuff to do because it means he’s still here with you.”
Perspective is everything!
There will always be things that bug you about your spouse, but in their absence . . . would those things actually be that bad?
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Those words certainly put things in perspective for me. No, we don’t love our husbands merely because life is short and they might not be here tomorrow. We love them because we are
committed to glorifying God in our marriages. But the reality is still there—life is too short to take anything for granted.
Marriage isn’t a dress rehearsal for the big show. This
is
the show, and every line that we deliver dictates how the story will go. We have the choice to either sit around waiting for life to be everything that we hoped it would be or start making this life—the moment we’re in right now—a wonderful place. We can’t see today as a gift until we lift our eyes to the Giver. But the moment that we do stop in the midst of this busy world to give thanks, we see beauty.
Have you ever left something on the floor of your home, like a basket of clothes? And after stepping over it so many times you started to forget it was there? Maybe you haven’t—more than likely you’re a better housekeeper than I am—but I have. One day my daughter put a basket of clothes at the top of the stairs just outside my bedroom door. Several days passed before I stopped and said, “Oh, that’s where that purple sweater is!”
Unfortunately, we can be the same way with the people in our lives. Going about our work, day after day, we get so used to hurrying by that we forget to stop and breathe in the life around us and the people that God has given us.
The world is alive when we open our eyes to it. When we stop long enough to give thanks for what we
have
instead of complaining about what we
don’t have
, we’re able to breathe in the sweet scent of His blessings.
I tend to remember this most during the quiet hours of the night. After the kids go to bed, I get this sudden urge to sneak into their rooms and kiss their foreheads. And when Michael’s asleep, I snuggle up close to his pillow where I can smell him too. I’ve actually gotten used to his snoring, and most days I kind of like it because it reminds me that I’m not alone in the dark.
It’s surprising to discover all the little gifts you enjoy when you actually stop to consider them, isn’t it?
It’s natural to appreciate my husband when everything is going my way. It’s easy when things are coming together, and he’s going along with the flow. That’s when I usually start counting my blessings and telling myself what an incredible husband I have.
It’s not so easy on the days when
my
idea of how things should be done conflict with
his
. When things aren’t coming together the way that I hoped they would. On such days I’m not counting my blessings too quickly because I’m too busy counting my wants, my needs, and my desires.
Whenever I’m in the zone of self-centered desire and pride, I hear a voice that beckons me without fail to let go of my selfish behavior. I’m offered a choice. Either I can be thankful to God in the moment, or I can hang on to my anger and make everyone around me miserable too. Thankfully, I’m learning that the moment I let go of my anger and humble myself before God, I find joy and peace that I would otherwise miss.
Believe me, it still happens. Just last night, we had planned to have a game night with the kids. After dinner was finished, the plates were washed, and we were ready to sit down and play, Michael decided to hit the treadmill first so he could get that out of the way.
Really?
I thought. Nathaniel goes to bed at 9:00, and it was already 6:30. I wasn’t impressed with that idea at all!
By the time he completed his ninety-minute workout and shower, I had lost my zeal for the one-hour game night. In other words, I was pouting. I told him that I was too tired to play and that I had some writing to do, which was true, but the bigger truth was that I was angry because things weren’t going my way. Perhaps I had a right to be angry. But I also had a choice, and I made the wrong one.
Recall this popular passage: “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do . . . See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men. Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thess. 5:11, 15–18). You might have applied it to the stressful situations in your life. Good. But have you ever considered that passage to be a vital ingredient for marriage? Being vigilant in the faith while edifying each other in love, striving for peace, and yes—giving thanks in good times
and bad
.
Although I should have communicated my frustration in love to Michael, I also should have chosen to be thankful to God for the time that we did have. I should have embraced the moment with joy instead of choosing to wallow in darkness.
Being thankful when you’re not
feeling
it is a way of showing God that you trust Him to handle the situation. It’s a way of showing Him that you’re willing to let go of your anger and frustration and turn the wheel over to Him. It’s also a way to exercise patience by trading instant gratification for long-term fulfillment.
The problem with most marriages today is that couples aren’t willing to trust God for their futures or walk the sacrificial path that leads to a deeper commitment. People want happiness, and they want it
now
!
The sad thing about happiness is that it’s fleeting. Things make us happy, people make us happy, and easy relationships make us happy. For a time. The moment our circumstances change, people disappoint us, or the relationship gets tough, we’re right back where we started—unhappy.
Joy and peace are quite different. Consider the life of Mother Teresa. She was a missionary for more than forty-five years with a vow to give wholeheartedly to the poor. Rather than opt for a comfy life, she chose a life of poverty, saying, “As to my calling, I belong to the world. As to my heart, I belong entirely to the Heart of Jesus.”
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I love that, don’t you?
This same woman who suffered much for the people collaborated on the book
The Joy in Loving: A Guide to Daily Living
. She found joy in the midst of poverty and pain because joy doesn’t depend on our surroundings. It springs up from within and moves its way out.
I’m not suggesting that you choose a life of poverty and pain (unless God calls you to it, of course). I am suggesting that wherever you are in your marriage, you choose to appreciate what you have today. You might not be out on a mission field feeding the poor, but if you’ve picked up this book, I’m guessing that you have a mission at home—to be the best wife that God has called you to be.
This evening I sat down with a friend. I admire her love for Jesus and can sense her undeniable joy. You’d love her too. She’s a joyful little thing with a bouncy ponytail and a spirit to match. I have yet to see this woman having a bad day.
I asked, “Bev, why do you think it’s so important that we pursue Christ in our lives?”
I loved her answer.
“Because God wants us to experience a small part of heaven here and now. Life isn’t just about the fact that we’re going to heaven ‘someday,’ ” she said. “He wants to indwell us
today
and shine in us now!”
Hallelujah, I’ll have what she’s living! Don’t you love it when friends sharpen you like that?
Most marriages are about who we are as a couple, not
who we are in Christ. But when we live in a Christ-centered relationship, we walk in the light of beautiful love. It’s popular these days for women to step out of their marriages on a mission to “find themselves,” like a channel changer that’s been lost in the sofa for years. But why are they lost in the first place?
The next time you’re standing in line at the supermarket, take a look at the magazine covers, especially the headlines. The words that pop up most often are
you, your, have, get, enjoy
, and
yourself.
See a pattern there?
We’re naturally self-centered, and when we give in to that self-centered attitude, we’re on a never-ending quest for more of what makes us happy. Those who are Christ-centered live from the inside out. Their joy comes from the Lord, and they seek to please others.
Reading Nicole’s words, I was blown away by the fact that God’s hand was upon her months before Chad’s passing. She wrote, “In my mind I constantly hear ‘be thankful for this stuff to do because it means he’s still here with you.’ ”
Not many of us get that kind of heart preparation. Or maybe we do, and we just don’t listen to the voice. If you did have that undeniable feeling that your husband might not be there tomorrow, what would you change? Stop and think about that a minute. What would you change today, and what would you miss tomorrow? Ralph Waldo Emerson encouraged us to “never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God’s handwriting.”
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THE CHALLENGE
The blessings we take for granted are gifts from the heart of a compassionate God who knows us intimately and cares for us deeply. Gifts can be anything from the smell of a newborn’s skin to the way that your husband smiles at you. Each and every blessing has been handcrafted by the Creator Himself. Get a little notebook, and start keeping a gratitude journal. Then take a few minutes out of each day to record your many blessings.
I
T WAS
N
OVEMBER
2, 1972.
Mom was at home unpacking our things, Dad was at work making concrete bricks, and I was settling into my new school. Not just
any
new school, this one had an underground tunnel, an old bell tower, and a fire escape that was more like a spiral slide.
