Messy Beautiful Love (9 page)
There’s a saying that goes like this: “The world doesn’t read the Bible; it reads Christians.” What are your actions saying? What does your marriage say about your relationship with the Lord? Is it something to be desired?
It might seem silly to think that your response to marriage could lead anyone to the saving knowledge of Christ. But the truth is that we don’t do the saving;
God
does. All that He asks is that we walk in obedience to Him. In doing so we are lights on a hill.
We live in a messed-up world where values have been tossed to the side. So many people barely know what Christianity is anymore. God has become whatever we
want
Him to be as
long as He serves our purpose and fulfills our lust for more of this world. Somewhere in the middle of all this mess, a searching heart finds a marriage that is blessed with beautiful love. A marriage that doesn’t conform to this world but is transformed by the wisdom of God so that it proves what is acceptable and perfect in His sight. Somewhere in the middle of all this mess, that person finds hope.
The wisdom of God is foolish to men, but who among men can hang the sun and the moon in the sky? Who among men can breathe life into man? We can’t even
begin
to understand the depth of the wisdom of God.
THE CHALLENGE
Pray for your husband, asking that God will equip him to lead your family. If you haven’t done so already, examine yourself to see whether there are areas of your marriage where you should step back so that he can step forward. Keep the lines of communication open for healthy discussion, but on those days when you can’t come to a united decision? Humbly step back, and allow his choices to stand.
I
T WAS
7:00
A.M., THE KIDS WERE DRAGGING THEMSELVES
out of bed, and Michael was in the kitchen searching for a spoon to go with his bowl of cereal. That man loves his breakfast, let me tell you!
Our cupboards are filled with oversized bowls because an average-sized bowl doesn’t cut it for him. Neither does an average-sized box of cereal. Michael goes for the biggest box he can find, and even
that
isn’t big enough.
From the sound of the clanking, the drawers slamming open and shut, and the occasional huff, I could tell that Michael’s search for a spoon wasn’t all that successful.
“Who ran the dishwasher last night?” he hollered from the kitchen. “I think it’s time we sat the family down for a meeting!”
It wasn’t so much his words as it was the tone of his voice that told me this wasn’t going to be the happiest morning for any of us. He was furious and not about to let this one slide. Out of fairness to Michael, I have to say that I agreed with his evaluation of the dishes. One of the kids had put a pan of scalloped potatoes into the dishwasher without bothering to scrape it first. When I pulled the “clean” pan out, it still had a layer or two of potatoes on it, only now they were washed, rinsed, and dried onto the pan. Worst mess I’ve ever had, which is pretty bad considering that I’ve seen a few doozies before. That morning every cup, fork, and spoon had a layer of grime on it. Everything needed to soak, which makes for twice the work that it was in the first place. Ugh!
I agreed that the dishes were in a sad state, but I wasn’t so agreeable with Michael’s attitude in general. Like anyone else, he can be a glass half-full kind of guy once in a while, but that morning he was a glass half-full of poison. Within minutes everyone was setting him off.
Graham couldn’t do chores properly, Nathaniel was in bed sick because “he’s been eating too much junk food,” and Madison was taking too long to get out of bed because “she stays up too late!” They were all important things to consider—and certainly talk about—but in a span of five minutes? It was
early, and I was barely awake. He plunked down on the couch with breakfast in hand and started in with one problem after another, barely taking a moment to breathe between thoughts, never mind digging into his cereal.
Wanting desperately to change the subject and get off on a better foot, I let seven little words slip out of my mouth and into the air: “Are you going to finish your breakfast?”
Grabbing his bowl, he rose from the sofa, stamped his way up the stairs, and hollered back, “You might as well just tell me to shut up! It’s the same thing.”
With that the house was silent. Even the Rice Krispies knew better than to snap, crackle, or pop. He was fueled by anger, and all I had said were those seven little words. Gently, I might add.
Here’s the thing. Michael tends to skip a meal when he’s upset, which doesn’t help when someone’s feeling a bit cranky. His cereal was getting soggy, he had a long day ahead, and I sensed that eating was the best thing he could do. I knew that anything I said would set him off that morning. I could see that the anger in his face was hungry for a fight, and I was his likely opponent.
I tucked Nathaniel back in, got Madison and Graham ready for school, and went upstairs to our room. Walking into the bedroom, I noticed the soggy, untouched bowl of cereal was resting on his nightstand. Michael was in the shower getting ready for work, and I crawled back into bed for a nap.
Maybe I was tired, or maybe I just wanted to wake up and start the day over—either one sounded inviting to me.
Resting my head on the pillow, I got to thinking about how angry I was. Who was he to treat me that way? The old me would have marched into the bathroom and confronted him right then and there. Wait, back that up. He wouldn’t have gotten up those stairs without a good fight. I would have made sure of that!
I was angry at the way I was treated, and I had every right to be. Who wants to wake up to someone snapping at her? Who wants to face the day with a long list of complaints? Who wants to live in a house where she isn’t respected?
Years ago I would have reacted to his anger by lashing out at him, and we would have hammered things out right then and there. But the new me—the one who chooses to walk by the Spirit and live by the wisdom of God—took a different path that is paved with forgiveness and grace, a path that calls us to be tenderhearted and forgiving to one another for the sake of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Let me interject here that I don’t walk this path perfectly by any means. I’m a work in progress that’s stumbling through this life and making my way through it by
grace.
I definitely know how to make a mess of my life, and I’ve seen what choosing to live by my wisdom has done. This time I’m following His. Choosing God’s will for my marriage calls me to put down the weapons of warfare and pick up the instrument of peace, which is that of a kind and gentle heart.
It’s never easy to walk in humility or to exercise patience, but as it is with any exercise, the more we flex those muscles, the stronger we get. We have to dig into God, and if we’re feeling let down and discouraged, we have to dig deeper yet. In order to grow patient we must practice
being
patient time and again; but doing so is always difficult in the moment, isn’t it? Each time I fail, I’m reminded of how human I am and just how big the grace of God is.
Laying my head on the pillow, I closed my eyes, trying my best to relax. My heart was heavy and my spirit crushed. The pug had just found a spot next to my tummy when the bathroom door opened and Michael emerged. With eyes closed, I heard his footsteps move across the room and over to my side of the bed. Then sitting down beside me, he reached out for my hand.
Part of me wanted to hang on to my anger. A big part of me. I wanted to ignore him and pretend I was sleeping. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did and to feel the sting of my pain. But a small voice inside instructed me otherwise.
Sometimes that voice—the one led by wisdom—is quiet. It struggles to be heard over the cries of the flesh that wrestle against the Spirit within us. But if we truly want peace in marriage, we must walk by the Spirit in obedience to our Lord. Turning toward him, I opened my eyes and responded by squeezing his hand.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “You didn’t deserve any of that.”
Looking into his deep blue eyes, I could tell that he meant every word. He really was sorry that his anger had gotten the best of him. He was sorry that he had taken it out on me the way he had. And I loved him for telling me so.
That afternoon he called me from work to apologize yet again. “I love you,” he said, “and I’m so sorry about this morning.”
That evening he came down with the flu, and with that I realized why he had been so irritable in the morning. It wasn’t like him to be that angry or frustrated, but I imagine his body was wearing him down.
We don’t always know what’s going on in the heart of a person, and we can’t even begin to guess why he or she does the things that he or she does. But we do control what’s going on in our hearts and what
we
choose to do.
Ask the rest of the world how they handle their anger, and you’ll hear something like, “If he doesn’t like it, show him the door!” When marriages are broken, many people just toss them aside. Gone are the days when people stuck together because they believed that a marriage covenant was more than a piece of paper. Gone are the days when men and women stood by the promise they made “till death do us part.” And gone are the days when people knelt at the side of their beds, bringing their marriage before God in prayer.
I thank God every day for a husband who doesn’t live by the standard of this world. His testimony of humility and grace has drawn me closer to Christ than anything else has.
Just imagine the effect of your testimony on the world when you’re walking in obedience to Christ. Marriage is a symphony of grace orchestrated by an almighty God, reflecting His love to mankind. One can’t help being drawn to its beauty.
But we have a choice. We can live by the standard of this world, which is characterized by selfish ambition and pride, or we can choose God’s standard for marriage, which is perfect in every way. Sure it will still be messy at times because we’re growing and learning, but when we yield our hearts to God’s will, we experience His incomparable blessing on our marriages. That’s a beautiful thing.
Every day we’re given a choice to either walk by the wisdom of God or yield to our sinful desire. Do we have a right to be angry? Absolutely, but we must handle our anger in a way that is pleasing to God and conforms to His will.
Here’s a letter I received from a reader who was frustrated with change, but more importantly with the disappointment that came with it. I offered her encouragement by reminding her that while we’re called to exercise love, we also have a Savior who we should call on.
Dear Darlene,
I believe in submitting to my husband because the Bible tells me to. I do understand that and I embrace it. I
have a confession, however, and maybe it’s just me? I don’t always feel like submitting to him. In fact some days I’m only doing it because I feel that it’s my Christian duty as a wife. I feel terrible because I know that I should enjoy submitting to him, but I feel like my flesh is at war with my spirit.
And there’s more. My husband and I recently had a disagreement. After talking things out with him we came to a unified decision, which was good. The problem is that he changed his mind without telling me and chose to handle things his way.
I don’t really need to go into the details of what happened because it’s all said and done now. The problem is that I’m angry at the way things turned out. Do I have a “right” to be angry? Or should I stifle those feelings for the good of my marriage?
I’ve prayed about it, but I can’t shake this feeling of hurt and frustration. I’d like to talk to my husband about it, but I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do or if I need to let go and move on.
I hope you can help.
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Thank you so much for your letter and for sharing your heart with me. You talked about whether or not you had a “right” to be angry. Here’s the thing. God knows that we’ll definitely get angry from time to time. The Bible says to be angry and sin not. Here’s a great passage of Scripture in its entirety:
You heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Eph. 4:21–27
NIV
)
When I look at that passage, I see that while God understands that we will get angry, we are to guard our
thoughts in the process so that the devil doesn’t get a foothold. Satan loves to get his foot into the door of our marriages any time we leave it open a crack!
You said, “I don’t always feel like submitting to him. In fact some days I’m only doing it because I feel that it’s my Christian duty as a wife.”
I can’t help being reminded of our Savior’s walk to the cross. Remember in the garden just hours before His death He prayed, asking that this cup (the suffering) be removed from Him: “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42).
And so we see that He lived to please God. He wasn’t living to please Himself or mankind. He was submitting to the plan of salvation because of His obedience to the Father. We submit to our husbands to reflect the covenant between Christ and His church.
I think that the core of your question was, should I talk to my husband about this or let go and move on? I see a few things in here that can guide us through these frustrating times (and remember that we all get frustrated). We must be careful to guard our hearts and our minds from the temptation to sin in our anger.
Notice the part that says, “speak truthfully to your
neighbor.” Communication is so important in a marriage, and the best way to keep the lines of communication open is to approach our husbands with humility and grace.
Was he wrong? He might very well have been. I don’t know the entire situation, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have the wisdom to judge his actions. But I do know that we can’t accept another person’s imperfections until we have mastered the lesson of understanding our own. Until we see what God’s grace and forgiveness have done for us.
A good rule of thumb for keeping our thoughts in line is to line ourselves up with Paul’s lesson on love: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Cor. 13:4–7
NIV
).
And let’s not forget the power of prayer or use it as a last resort. We don’t have the ability to change another person; people have enough trouble trying to change themselves. The truth is that God is able to do abundantly more than we ask or think.
We don’t always have to understand how or why things happen the way that they do. Our job is to leave our burden in His capable hands and do our best to walk in truth.
Blessings,
Darlene
