Memory of Morning (10 page)

Their obvious closeness killed my urge to approach Dr. Swan. It didn't kill it easily, believe me, but I had been working on fighting the attraction to him long enough for the habit of denial to keep me from doing anything foolish. I would see him tomorrow at the certificate test. That would be enough. I sighed.

"Oh, well," I said. I forced my attention to Dr. Heron. "You were saying?" I asked.

"We should marry."

Dr. Heron did not lower his voice. He was oblivious that there were people around us, some listening to his words. They would be gathering around, wishing us happy in a moment if I didn't do something about it. My parents would be summoned. Dr. Swan might even take notice of the situation.

"Come along." I led him to a secluded spot on the side of the temple. Once I was sure we were alone, I said, "Why are you giving me even more to worry about on a night when I'm already all nerves?"

I put my fingers over his lips. Soft, nice, lips, I grant you. "We have known each other less than a month, Dr. Heron. We have not even exchanged first names. I think it is a bit soon to discuss marriage."

He grasped my wrist to take my hand away. He did not let it go. "You are perfectly capable of thinking beyond the conventional."

"I am," I agreed.

But there are certain conventions I am perfectly comfortable with - otherwise, I would not have agreed to spend several months traipsing around Loudon in fancy dresses testing out my matrimonial prospects against those of other young women on the marriage market. I used this as an excuse.

"Our marriage would not interfere with out careers. Rather, it would enhance them. I intend to spend most of my time at sea. You have not yet decided on your course, but I believe you will also go to sea, though we should have a child first if you choose this option. We could work in a practice together after our retirement from the service should both of us survive so long."

I listened to all this through a growing buzz of blood in my ears and the sensation of wanting to jump out of my skin. Worries about the test - seeing Dr. Swan - now this. I was getting an enormous headache. If I mentioned this to Dr. Heron he would calmly take my pulse and prescribe a willow bark tonic.

I might not so calmly attempt to rip his face off.

I forced myself to take several deep breaths. I had fought for lives on rolling seas with cannon fire all around, in blood up to my ankles. I could deal with Danil Heron's very bad timing.

I told him the truth. "I like you. I believe you are a good person. I agree with your assessment of why we would make a good marriage. I will take your proposal under serious consideration. But I will not and cannot give you an answer at the moment."

I then turned around and walked away - all the way back to Lilac House. I have no recollection of the distance. It might have been miles. All I know is that I was wearing a pair of delicate brocade dancing slippers and the shoes did not survive the exercise.

I woke up with sore feet. But at least I had slept, and there wasn't a sign of a headache when I came awake. I was starving, but I was always hungry when I knew a battle loomed ahead. Star climbed on my chest and decided to give my face a thorough licking.

When I emerged from my bath I discovered Belladem and a housemaid in the process of packing our luggage. "Mother's orders," Bell said to my questioning look.

I didn't ask for further explanations as I had to dress and do my hair. I liked what I saw in the glass when I was finished, setting a professional tone without losing any femininity. "Perhaps I have a future as a dress designer," I said.

"As long as you don't try doing the sewing yourself," Bell said. "Get going," she added. "You can fall back on designing if you fail today's test. Which you will not."

She gave me a hard hug and then I hurtled down the stairs in search of every scrap of food I could find. Star bounded at my heels. Mrs. Lilac didn't allow dogs in her dining room, so I put Star's leash on her and handed her over to a servant for a morning walk.

My parents were seated at the dining table, a large stack of mail between them. Mother looked up from reading one of the letters as I came in. I paused and she gave me a thorough looking over, followed by a satisfied nod. Then I hurried to the sideboard for a plate of food.

Once I raided the chafing dishes and settled at my place, I asked, "Why are you leaving?"

"A letter from your Aunt Gwin," Father answered. "And now all is chaos."

Mother's sister-in-law was even more of a force of nature than Mother. Father avoided her whenever possible. So did Mother, come to think of it. The women were friends and kept up a busy correspondence. But tension grew between them when they spent much time together, as each was used to having things done her own way.

"Yes, the next few months of our being together will be
interesting,
" Mother said for me. "But Gwin and I are united in giving our children the best Season possible."

"No fighting in front of the children?" Father asked. Pleaded.

"We
children
are all adults now. We can take their bickering as a type of entertainment."

Mother nodded. "She claims to have found the perfect house to hold us all, and that it is large enough for us to entertain as well as pack in the whole Cliff and Owl menagerie. She needs us there to help with furnishings, decorating, and finding servants. So our quiet holiday is over. Bell is going to be so happy to get back to her Dwie," she added.

Which explained Bell's eagerness at the packing.

"You know I can't come to Loudon just yet. And Alix isn't home."
And I have more important things on my mind today, why am I chattering about this?
Because the family is more important than the individual, I suppose, even today.

"You needn't worry that we'll miss your certificate examination," Father said. "Not for the world. We are very proud of you, Megere."

Part of the examinations involved defending the actions and lessons noted in the medical journal I kept during the voyage. Dr. Swan would be among a group of doctors involved in the questioning. This part of the test was open to the public in a viewing gallery above the examination room. I had watched one such exam of a total stranger when I was a recruit awaiting my own ship assignment. I hoped I could be as calm and lucid as the woman I had observed.

"I am glad to hear it," I told father.

He and Mother gave me looks that made me glow with pleasure at their pride in me.

Well, I'd better not disappoint them today. I stuffed down my plateful of toast and eggs before I said, "Excuse me for hurrying out, but I have to go dissect a body now."

I could hardly wait.

"On a full stomach?" Mother asked. "Child, you amaze me. And in such a pretty dress?"

After the autopsy I would be performing surgery before those judging me, probably on one of the patients I'd been treating at the War Casualties Home. I might even be performing a necessary surgery I had scheduled myself.

Chapter Thirteen

There was a crowd of Cliffs overhead, filling most of the seats in the gallery above, along with Dr. Heron and a pair of young doctors taking notes as I had two years before. Frankly, I was more relaxed about all this than I thought I would be. Not actually
relaxed
of course, but the nervousness had faded as the day went on. The best part of the day for me was that I had barely noticed being closely observed when I amputated a man's arm and the surgery itself went very well for him. As for the test part, I had concentrated on setting up the operating theater to my satisfaction, making sure that I and my assistants were as clean as possible, that the instruments and bandages were sterile. I concentrated on keeping my patient alive, in as little pain as possible, and as safe from fresh infection as could be managed. None of the other parts of the day really mattered compared to being a surgeon, whether I walked away with the certificate today or not.

But I really did want it.

Seven men sat at a long table. I recalled that only four had been at the test I'd attended two years ago. I stood behind a lectern in the center of the room. I resented this as I'd been working much of the day, and my feet still hurt from last night's long walk. I didn't see any reason why I should have to remain standing for however long this was to go on. I didn't allow myself to pout about this injustice for very long.

Dr. Swan was there, as expected. We exchanged a slight nod, but his cool expression showed nothing. Three other surgeons were also attending. Admiral Glass was also seated at the table, old, frail, the lenses of his eyeglasses as thick as bottle bottoms. I wanted to offer him a pillow and a warm posset, the poor old dear. I was not happy to see the cleric that had already questioned me seated with a pen and large pad of paper before him. He seemed prepared to take copious notes. There was yet another admiral at the table, the lean, bearded man who had been sneering in the shadows of the cleric's office. At least he wasn't sneering at the moment, but he did look bored.

There was far too much gold braid in the room for the likes of me. This was all very worrying.

When the exam got under way, the questions came from the doctors, and concentrated on what I had learned over the last two years. It became a back and forth professional conversation. Even when my mistakes were brought up, I wasn't ashamed to admit to them, and to explain what I had learned from them. Not that there weren't a few instances of embarrassed wincing and guilt at a truly stupid choice or two.

He went on before I could answer. "I have never been comfortable with the notion of allowing women to enter the surgical profession. The more I think about the Navy's medical policy of late, the more reservations I have."

He glanced toward the cleric. The cleric had stopped writing and started smirking. He nodded encouragingly at the old admiral.

"Do the gods really approve of women moving away from their traditional places? Is it right for ladies to be exposed to the gruesomeness of battle? This policy is most worrisome. The idea of it troubles me more every day." He finally actually looked at me. "You seem to be an excellent doctor. I read your case notes on treating an officer's diabetes. Good job, Dr. Cliff. That is the sort of work a woman doctor should pursue."

I said, "Thank you, sir." But that is all I did say.

No one else said anything, either. After a considerable uncomfortable silence the medical questioning continued. I cannot say how long this went on, it certainly seemed like days to me.

Admiral Lord North's blue eyes met mine, cold as arctic ice, with no recognition in them at all. I grabbed hold of the lectern to support myself at this point. If I looked as shocked as I felt the room was going to erupt in laughter at any moment.

"Please answer the question, Dr. Cliff," someone said.

I tried to remember what had been said by Lord North in that rich, lilting voice of his while I reeled in shock. Something about honey? Surely he hadn't called me honey, had he? I did my best to focus. "Sir?"

"You are a strong advocate of the use of honeyherb, are you not?" North repeated the question.