Over the months Helen would get the exercise books out and flick through the pages, going over days she had enjoyed and days she had hated, and trying to decide what exactly â or rather who exactly â she was writing this for. She had borrowed the works of diarists from the library. Some of them were also writers, such as Louisa May Alcott and Beatrix Potter. Then there was Dorothy Wordsworth, sister of William, to whose notes and observations Helen decided the famous poet owed much, especially his poem âDaffodils'.
These diaries were fascinating because they revealed more about interesting people. Who would ever want to read about the daily life of a waitress? Helen wondered. What's so fascinating about endlessly clearing and wiping down tables, taking orders from the table d'hôte menu or pushing the more expensive à la carte? Or explaining tactfully to customers that you couldn't just order a cup of tea at the busiest time of the day and that you had to have a sandwich at least?
Even though Helen suspected that no one else would ever read her diaries, she had found the writing of them compulsive. So she had gone on writing with pen and ink in school exercise books even after she had bought herself a second-hand typewriter at the market in Portobello Road. The typewriter was for writing of a different sort altogether.
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16th July 1931
I've been in London for four months now. Dorothy has been as good as her word and looked after me. She persuaded Stefano to take me on as she'd promised. âGo on,' she'd said, âyou know how hard we northern lasses work,' and he had to agree.
I like working at Stefano's. Being a waitress is incredibly hard work but it's so interesting. Stefano is a pet lamb but Marina, his wife, is a tartar. Here in Greek Street the customers are a varied bunch, much more diverse than the clientele of the Cosy Café at home in Newcastle.
Living with Dorothy can be trying at times. She isn't the world's best housewife â or anywhere near. Sometimes I tease her, asking her what she will do if Mr Barker asks her to marry him.
âOh, I shan't have to do any cooking or housework,' is her usual answer. âI shall be living in a nice house in Pinner and I shall have a maid and a cook and someone to come in and do the washing and ironing.'
She makes a joke of it but a long time ago I suspected that Mr Barker, whom I've never actually met, is never going to make an honest woman of her because he is already married. But, even though we are the best of friends, I've never felt able to ask Dorothy about this.
Dorothy and I seldom go out together. She spends as much time as possible with Mr Barker and, in any case, we very rarely have the same days off work. So I explore London on my own. I bought maps and guide books just like a tourist. I go to look at interesting buildings, I visit museums and art galleries, I love the old markets, and I go to the pictures.
I've recorded all this in my daily jottings, but what I haven't admitted until now is that as I'm walking along busy streets I'm not just taking in the passing show. I know the Partingtons are here because I see pieces about Mrs Partington's social life in the society pages of the newspapers that customers leave in the café. I haven't found out where they live. They aren't listed in the telephone directories â there are so many for London â but it seems that you don't have to be if you choose not to.
So I go into the most fashionable shops and look at rich women buying clothes for themselves and their daughters. Elsie will be twelve years old now. Perhaps she no longer looks like a child but I'll recognize her. Of course I will. The question is, will she recognize me, and if she does what will I do? The likelihood of bumping into them in a shop like this is far-fetched, I know, but I spend hours imagining it might happen.
Could Joe and Danny have come to London? This is a place where they would be able to vanish if they wanted to. But why would they want to vanish? Why didn't they just come to me when they ran away from Haven House? What happened there? Whatever it was, didn't they know that I would have done anything in my power to help them?
But of course they didn't know that. How could they? What use had I been to them? I had allowed the family to be split up and the only promise I had given was that one day we would be together again. I don't blame them for not putting much faith in that. Wherever they are, I'm sure that Joe will take care of things. At least that's what I tell myself.
What if they aren't in London? What if they aren't even in the British Isles? They could have gone to Liverpool and made for America. That's one of my worst fears. I try not to think about it.
25th December 1931
The second Christmas without my sister and brothers, but I haven't had time to brood. Stefano kept the restaurant open and I was amazed at how busy it was. What sort of people would prefer to eat in a restaurant rather than at home on Christmas Day?
Well, some people have to work, Christmas Day or not. A lively bunch of girls from one of the theatres came in and ordered the full Christmas dinner. How on earth were they going to do their high kicks, Dorothy wondered, when they were full of turkey and roast potatoes, stuffing and plum pudding? All the while the girls were eating they kept glancing hopefully at a couple of serious-looking men at the next table. The men were dressed in pinstripe suits and they were obviously discussing business. Dorothy said they had an office in Wardour Street and were part of a film company.
Then there were some of the usual bunch of reporters, men and women who work in Fleet Street.
He
was there â Matthew Renshaw, they call him, he doesn't come in often. I think he works abroad a lot. Dorothy showed me a report in a newspaper that he had written from Berlin. It was serious stuff. Political. All about the Nazi party winning one hundred and seven seats in the Reichstag, that's the German parliament, and it was obvious from the way Matthew had written his report that he didn't think that was a good thing.
When he does come to the restaurant he looks as though he's got a lot on his mind. Even when he gives his order from the menu he barely glances at you. He's tall and not exactly skinny but looks as though he could do with a few more good meals. He wears a tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows and Dorothy says he looks like a schoolmaster or a socialist. His face is interesting rather than handsome, and a swoop of dark hair sort of flops over his forehead. Sometimes I wonder how much he can actually see through the lenses of those owlish glasses of his. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't recognize me if we met outside the restaurant and I try not to let this bother me. Why should it?
Today he didn't seem to notice what he was eating, even though he emptied his plate. I would have taken him seconds at no extra cost if only he had smiled at me.
As well as the workers there are the lonely people, who haven't got a proper home to go to, and there are a lot of people like that in London. They live in flats and bedsitting rooms in rundown houses that were once grand mansions with whatever possessions they have managed to bring with them. There are always rumours that some of them have smuggled the family jewels out by stitching them into their clothing. Particularly the Russians. Well, if they have, good luck to them. How else are they going to live?
All over Europe, it seems, there are people leaving their homes and walking for miles until they find somewhere safer to live. âDPs', Stefano calls them, Displaced Persons who just happen to be the wrong religion or race, even if their ancestors have lived in their towns or villages for hundreds of years.
Groups form like little social clubs and they come to Stefano's at their own special time on their own special day and discuss in their own languages the news from home. Stefano says that none of them will ever go home again and, what's more, it's going to get much worse before it gets better â if it ever does. From reading Matthew's report it would seem that he agrees with him.
Everyone was very jolly until they started singing and then people began to cry. Songs from their homelands, I suppose, which brought back painful memories. Marina was having none of it. âFor God's sake, this is Christmas Day!' she announced in that smoky voice of hers. âWe're supposed to be rejoicing.' She said that we would sing some proper carols and she persuaded, well, let's be honest, ordered, Stefano to take the lead.
What a surprise. Our boss has the most haunting tenor voice; his customers listened in amazement and Marina's purpose to jolly everyone up was defeated when people started to cry again at the sheer beauty of it.
Nevertheless everyone was agreed that we'd had a good time.
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The tips were generous and Dorothy, as the senior waitress, shared them out equally between the girls, even though she was entitled to keep a little extra for herself.
I got a taxi home. Dorothy has gone to some West End Club or other with Mr Barker. I wonder how he has managed to get away from his wife â I'm sure he has one â on Christmas Day. Perhaps she's an invalid and he dopes her to the eyeballs when he sneaks out of the house . . . Perhaps he murdered her a long time ago and he's hidden her body in the cellar of his house in Pinner . . . Do the houses in Pinner have cellars?
Oh dear, maybe I'm too full of the Christmas spirit to write any more. I only had one glass of red wine. Why am I feeling guilty? Perhaps it's because I've suddenly realized that in spite of the circumstances, I actually enjoyed myself today.
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15th October 1932
Dear Helen,
Well, here's my monthly report although I don't have much to tell you. Your aunt doesn't change. She still complains about everything and she is making no effort to help herself. In my opinion she could do a lot more than she does but she likes to play the martyr. Dr Salkeld calls on her every week â sometimes twice â and then sends in his bill, no doubt.
And there's the chemist, too. Whenever your aunt reads of some miracle potion or pill in one of her magazines, some newly discovered vitamin or other, she sends me along to buy whatever it is. Honestly, Helen, you should see her bedside table. And the smell of some of those bottles is disgusting. All they seem to do is make her fatter. My mam says lying around in bed or on the sofa all day and eating as much as she does will kill her rather than the stroke she had.
At least she doesn't interfere with the way I run the house. So long as I keep serving up good grub and doing the basic housework, she doesn't complain too much. Mind you, she keeps me on the hop, so now my younger sister, Louie, calls by when she can to run errands for me. I've got to be honest with you, Helen, when Louie calls she often stays to eat with me. I hope you don't think that's dishonest â particularly as your aunt doesn't know about it.
Well, Helen, that's it for this month. I look forward to your reply as ever. News from the big city and all!
As usual I end by saying there haven't been any letters for you. You know I would forward them if there had been.
Yours truly,
Eva
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Helen had saved the letter to read when she came back from work. She had lit the gas fire and it popped and spurted complainingly as she drew up the battered armchair to make the most of its grudging warmth. The restaurant had been busy but, as usual, Stefano had made sure the girls had a good supper before he locked up so all Helen wanted was a cup of tea before falling into bed. Even though Stefano had stumped up for a taxi, Dorothy had not come home. Again. Helen wasn't privy to where her friend went most nights or how she managed to turn up at work each morning and work as hard as ever.
Before going to bed Helen put Eva's letter into the old shoebox with the others. When they had started writing to each other Helen had asked how her aunt was and how Eva was coping and, somehow, this had developed into what Eva called her monthly reports. Do I care? Helen wondered. Do I really want to know how my Aunt Jane is, or am I suffering from guilt because she and I really are family? Was there ever a time when she and my mother were loving sisters, and did they share memories just as precious as those my sister and brothers and I have?
Eva never told her whether her aunt mentioned her. Perhaps Aunt Jane had decided to forget her, or perhaps what she said was too hurtful for Eva to report. Remembering how her aunt had called her a viper, Helen smiled. If that was still how she referred to her, Eva might think it tactful not to say anything.
Helen thought for a moment about what Eva had told her about Louie. It was wrong of Eva not to let Aunt Jane know and yet what harm could it do? Her little sister being there to help meant that Eva could devote more of her time to her mistress. But it must be on Eva's conscience all the same, Helen thought. Otherwise she wouldn't have told me.
She put the lid on the shoebox and placed it back on the shelf in her wardrobe. A little later when she climbed into bed a gust of wind blew a spattering of rain against the ill-fitting window and the curtains billowed out in the draught. She was tired enough but for a while she lay awake, fretting as she often did that there still hadn't been a letter from Joe and Danny. Was she foolish to hope that one day there would be?
Chapter Ten